I sit out in the yard, on the lounger, wrapped in a blanket with a cup of warm tea in my hands. It was five am when I woke up up in Teddy's embrace and although I felt like I never wanted to release her, it is not the time to let those thoughts consume me.
I have one job, to bring my daughter into the world, in the happiest and healthiest space, her mama should be focused solely on her, and I would be.
"Hey" Willa greets appearing from the back door with a steaming mug of coffee. I can smell it before she even gets close, another weird symptom of pregnancy, super sensory powers.
"Yesterday Allie couldn't get you up for love nor money and today you are up with the birds" she says sitting on the lounger beside me, dressed in her casual, coach sportswear for work, her hair pulled up in a pony tail.
I sip from the tea and we both watch the birds fly about in the trees. "I couldn't sleep... Wren is already waking me with the dawn before she's even appeared, and Teddy decided the couch wasn't the bed for her last night and slipped into mine... she is so hot blooded I woke up sweating"
"I remember that from our camping trips... she's like a little hot water bottle isn't she" and she smiles "even as a three year old she always ran hot"
"I forget sometimes that you've known her that long" I say.
"Yes ... the Tedmeister and I go way back... way back to the start" she says nursing her coffee and pointing at a little bird that comes down to the bird feeder "isn't that beautiful" she whispers.
I look on and sigh, it was. "Do you think Jay will last" I ask.
Willa looks to me with the sudden change of topic. "No" she says confidently "they never do".
"Why do you think she does that... never settles on anyone" i ask.
Willa looks out over the yard in thought "I'm not sure where it came from, because her family are wonderful, she's had great role models for parents, they are still in love after forty odd years. I kind of hope it wasn't me" she whispers that last bit and I frown.
"Why would it be anything to do with you" i asks curiously.
Willa turns back "I don't know... I know she loved Morgan and I, and it came as quite a shock when we ended... she could never understand why I couldn't change my mind on kids and just go back to her. I think that perhaps made her reevaluate her ideas on love and commitment. She seems to cut anyone loose before they fall for her, and she them, like she would do just about anything to avoid what Morgan and I went through. So I can't help it, to wonder if it was us that shadowed her adult view of relationships"
"Willa I don't think that can all be on you"
I place my hand on her arm as she looks a little solemn at the thought. "Teddy sees how happy you are with Mama... you are literally the happiest and most in-love couple I know. You are wonderful role models for us, surely that is a case of true love and having it find a way, and to commit to the one you love and be quite blissful."
"True" she says leaning across and hugging me "I love you Harps" she says before releasing me with a smile "and you little bird" she says looking at my swollen belly.
"I think you may have popped over night" Willa gasps as I move the blanket aside.
We both look down and laugh "I think you are right" I say standing up and running my hand down my stomach, a curve most definitely visible under my vest. I can't help the grin that fixes to my lips, a grin I would hold onto all day.
"I see her later for the anatomy scan" I remind her.
Willa nods "Yes, do you want me to come with you" she asks.
I shake my head "Mama is coming, don't worry"
"Okay, well just call me if you need me. I'm at work but you know I can leave in an emergency"
I nod "Let's get some breakfast" I suggest.
Willa jumps up "yes let's feed you both" she says kindly taking my arm and walking me back in.
***
Mama and I walk into the drug store and open up for the day. I hadn't seen Teddy before we left, she was still sleeping, that girl could really sleep. I was sure it was a little travel fatigue from her time away.
"Hi" Ethan calls as he enters the store. "How's my favourite little dancer" he asks and I realise he means Wren. I turn and run my hand down the bump and his eyes widen "did you stick a cushion up there" he asks.
I laugh "no she just had a growth spurt over night... or rather... I did"
"Incredible" he says appreciatively observing the bump. "I was reading up on prenatal care last night and you do know you should be on vitamins right" he asks me seriously.
I frown "why are you looking up pregnancy care" I ask.
He looks a little embarrassed when it's put like that "sorry I know that sounds a little strange. I just wondered what you were going through and wanted to educate myself so I can help in anyway"
I am taken aback, in a good way, he took it upon himself to look up pregnancy, to see how he can help, to educate himself?! Where did my mama find this boy.
"That's really... nice of you" I add taken aback, and he walks over to take his jacket off and replace it with the white coat.
Mama comes back out and runs her hand down the back of my hair as I sit at the register "How are you feeling about the scan" she asks.
I look up to her behind me "fine"
"I can't wait to see her" I confess as the excited grin appears again.
"The anatomy scan is so important because..." and as Ethan reels off a scientific reason for the scans and the issues it can pick up, me and mama look to each other quite surprised.
"Ethan" my mama says walking over to him and stopping his little lecture "we don't need a run down of the ins and outs. Harper knows that stuff already, but it's kind of you to tell us"
"Sorry Allie" he says finally taking a breath.
"How do you know all that" she asks him curiously.
He smiles nervously " I looked it all up... I just wanted to know what Harper would be going through" he confesses sweetly.
Mama turns with her back to him and her lips turn down into an adorable frown as she reveals how sweet she found that reply, she's swooning for me, her hand to her chest as she passed me "I can't deny that's cute" she whispers as she goes. "Come on then Ethan let's get this day moving... I have a grandchild to see soon"
***
After a few hours of work I look back up to the clock, I've been watching it tick slowly by. We are an hour away from meeting the little lady, my tummy flips with the excitement, my cheeks hurt from the grin I can't remove.
The commotion in the back has me excuse myself, momentarily, from the lady at the till who is leant halfway over the counter with a handful of shampoos.
I peek through the back door and mama is furious. "What's wrong" I ask entering the back space.
She turns and looks to me upset "the drug delivery is late... I can't leave here until it's in... which means if it doesn't show in ten minutes I'm going to miss the scan" she says deflating.
I frown "oh" I say disappointingly. I had so wanted her with me to hold my hand, although chances were everything was fine, there was always a percentage of pregnancy's that had things change at this scan, a diagnosis, a problem, a defect among a million little things and it did of course scare me to consider sitting there alone and receiving such news.
"I called Willa but she's had to go out of town on a school trip for the day, they had a teacher stay home sick so she filled in" she says flustered and a little panicked.
Ethan observes us quietly while he helps with refills and he looks up and catches my worried frown and he smiles gently "I will go with you" he offers looking to my Mama "if that's okay to leave" he asks her.
She nods "of course... but Harper would that be okay..." she asks.
I hesitate, I don't know, I didn't know him that well. "I'm going to call Teddy actually Ethan if you don't mind... she's like my oldest friend"
He nods and looks slightly disappointed but tries to hide it with a caring lift of his lips "okay" he says softly "well I'm here if you need me" he adds.
I look back to mama "It's okay mama I know you wouldn't miss it if it was up to you"
She takes a deep frustrated breath "I would never" and she looks back to the refill she's currently working on. "Love you Harps"
"Love you too mama" I say walking back out front to a very annoyed customer who has now been stood here for a few minutes "gosh I'm sorry" I say taking the shampoo and ringing it up for her.
She snatches it out of my hands after paying and sulks off "gee sorry" I say and I reach into my pocket for my cell and dial Teddy but it goes to voicemail. I try again and it's the same.
Oh, no!
I type away quickly;
Teddy, Mama can't make the scan she has to wait for a delivery and I don't want to go alone...please come?! It's at eleven. Please call me as soon as you get this. X I need you!!
***
My cell remained silent, no replies from Teddy and now it was time to go. I couldn't do it alone and my mind wondered back to Ethan, the curious boy would have to do. "Buckle up Wren this is going to be interesting"
"Ethan" I say popping my head around the back door.
He and mama turn instantly "yeah" he asks.
I smile "would you escort this rather pregnant girl to her anatomy scan"
He looks excited and fumbles with his coat buttons "yes of course"
My mama smiles at him and back to me "send me a picture as soon as you get out and if they let you will you video call me" she asks.
I nod "of course" as Ethan rushes over and we walk out the front, locking up the store as we left.
He takes my hand, a rather intimate thing for a new acquaintance to do, but it seems friendly, he's excited to help, and he guides me to the truck and helps me up, a slightly more awkward thing to accomplish now I had a bump.
"I'm not going to get back in this truck in another week you know" I observe.
He laughs "I think you may be right" he mused as he shuts the door and rounds the car.
***
"Where is the damn phone" Teddy curses checking the entire house for the third time, she had been up a couple hours, saying goodbye to her sisters who returned home today, but she only noted it's absence an hour ago and now she was flustered and cursing.
"Where are you" she groans, tongue under her teeth as she concentrated on deep diving in the couch, her fingers wiggle down the deep cushions and she feels it, the metal exterior, she digs into the couch sending cushions flying as she finally grabs it and turns to sit among the chaos on the floor.
She flips it round, her breathing a little off from the exertion of her search.
Missed calls from Harper, a message, she clicks it open and reads it, sent half an hour ago.
"Noo nooo noo" she shouts out loud jumping to her feet and grabbing her car keys, wait... not car keys, her motorbike, shit she got here on the bike.
She grabs her leather jacket and throws it on, reaching for her black helmet and running out the door. She straddles the bike, places the helmet over her wild curly hair and pulls it down, flicking the visor down. She jams the key in before kickstarting the engine, it roars to life and she takes off, probably far too quickly and heads to the medical centre they went to last time "please let me make it" she begs as she roars down the street.
***
"Here she is" The female doctor says with a smile and I look up to the screen, my eyes wondering over the fully formed and absolutely adorable side profile of you, miss Wren.
"Hi" I whisper.
Ethan squeezes my hand and I look to him wide eyed and beaming and he returns the look "she's got your nose" he says happily "I wonder if she has your hair" he says cheerily.
The Dr runs the scan over her little head "she definitely has hair" she observes turning the screen to 4D.
My mouth drops open with a slight cry of awe. Wrens little face pops up, her lips are squished together, her cheeks are already rounded, her little nose, Ethan is right, looks like mine and a tear rolls down my cheek.
"Hi" Ethan and I both say together quite unexpectedly.
I look back to him and he also looks overcome, "this is ... incredible" he whispers.
"Isn't it" I return and I look back to the screen "can I video call my mama" I ask.
The Dr nods "sure why not if she's happy to watch quietly"
"Ethan hand me my phone please" i ask and he does and I dial the family group chat, videos pop up, faces, and eager smiles.
"Show us" mama begs.
I turn the screen for them to see as the rest of the 4D scan is shown.
"Look at her little hands" mama whispers "balled up in fists under her chin just like you" she says.
"She's perfect" Willa acknowledged from the back of the school bus she was on.
"We love her" Mary and Erica whisper.
"Okay guys I will click off now ... but thanks for coming to the opening night of Wren Jameson" I say playfully.
"See you soon" mama says.
I smile and hand the phone back to Ethan.
The rest of the scan is fine, no problems and when we leave we are both a little delirious from smiling. Ethan wasn't family but he really was amazing back there and it was as if something stirred in those intimate moments back in that room, something I didn't probably want to feel.
"Harper" Teddy calls and she is there by the entrance, stood by her bike, we walk over to her but I can tell she's upset. "I'm so sorry" she says placing the helmet on the bike and coming and wrapping her arm around me "I couldn't find my phone and then when I got here you had gone in" she looks to Ethan, irked by his presence "did you go in with her" she asks.
He nods "yes it was incredible, we saw Wren in 4D I've never seen anything like it" he confesses happily.
Teddy looks pained by that "I wish I had seen her... I'm sorry I let you down" she says softly and she releases me and moves away from us back to the bike "I will see you later" she says and she is completely dejected, she looks so unlike herself.
"Teddy wait please don't go" I beg and I take out the roll of scan pictures and hand her one of the 4D images of Wren, her little face, her hands balled up under her chin, lips pouting.
She takes it and looks at it eagerly, her lips lifting instantly, her dimples deepening "she sleeps just like you" she says admiring every detail. "Thanks for this" she says holding up, and she slips it into her leather jacket over her chest and into the pocket. "I will cherish that" she says and she puts her helmet on and takes my hand with a squeeze "I really am sorry ... I knew I wasn't the best person for you to rely on but clearly I'm useless... and Ethan here" she says pointing across the car space "is not" she admits regretfully "See you soon Harps... Miss you already" she confesses and before I can reply she pushes down the visor and kickstarts the bike, the loud roar echoing through the car park as she waves and takes off.
"She doesn't like me does she" Ethan asks coming to stand beside me as we watch her leave up the street.
"It's not you she dislikes right now, it's herself. I wish she wouldn't" I say out loud.
He looks to me curiously "shall we get back to the store"
I nod, my eyes still focused on the horizon Teddy had disappeared into. "Let's go"
The entire way back I am still beaming at the pictures in my hands. Ethan is non stop chattering about the ins and outs of the scan, it was like he took his own field trip today and it is endearing to hear him talk about Wren with such joy. My mind though, it flutters with images of Teddy when I gaze out of the window. I didn't like it when she was so hard on herself, you can't always be perfect and I wish she would realise that, she hadn't hurt me today, she had tried to get there, it wasn't her fault but I knew she would dwell on that, like she hadn't kept her word to me, and now she would leave. I knew she wouldn't be there when I got home tonight, she would have returned to the city, most probably to Jay so she could keep herself occupied.
The sooner Teddy realised she was enough, as she was, and that she didn't always need to be the one who saved everyone, to be perfect, the better off she would be.
Stop running from it Theodora ...because fate has a way of finding you... and placing you right back where you are meant to be.
And it did didn't it, repeatedly until it was all so very obvious, perhaps a little late?...