I peek into Harpers room, she is lying on her side, her alarm buzzing and bleeping beside her but not a flicker of her waking. I smile and admire her, my baby, all grown up, her hand tucked under her cheek like she slept when she was herself a baby. I walk over and sit beside her, my hand running through her auburn hair, her eyelashes flutter and her hazel eyes slowly register me sat beside her "mama" she groans with annoyance.
"Your alarm has been angrily screeching for ten minutes my darling daughter, have you lost your hearing"
She rolls over, her leg flung over the outside of the sheet and her vest creeping up her torso, the slight swell of a bump finally appearing below her small waist. I smile, she looks exactly like I did at the same point in my pregnancy, next month she would not recognise herself.
"Harper" I poke "it's time for breakfast... I will see you down there" I say leaving her to stir.
***
"Babe why are you in such a funk" Jay asks running his hand up my naked back as I sit on the edge of the bed. I gulp, his hands run around my waist, cupping my breast, squeezing and leaning in to kiss my shoulder "come back to bed" he says softly, his large lips leaving a trail of kisses up my neck.
I close my eyes and try and let myself loose, to leave the nagging feeling behind but the moment my eyes close I can't help but see her, Harper with someone else and I jump up. Jays hand falls away "babe what is it" he asks again.
I pull on a t shirt "I just don't feel like a morning quickie... let's go down for breakfast" I ask trying desperately to get out of this room.
I can't be fucking Jay when my mind is whirling with Harper and a pharmacy technician. Why did I keep coming back to this.Harper had been with other people before and I hadn't cared?! Wait... had she?! Shit she hadn't, this was my first taste of it. Someone liked her, perhaps was with her now and looking at her like I do, seeing the beauty of her and deciding to pursue her, and perhaps she would like him too. Demi was right though I should leave her be. I was most definitely not the one for her. I had a hard time committing to a pot plant let alone a human being, and a human being with a baby no less. I should stop this now and just try and push it down.
I'm sure it would settle eventually, the way I looked at her, the way she curled around my heart and squeezed it every time she was close, why did her smile make me warm? Her lips make me weak? Her flesh make me flush? Her laugh make me joyful? Why did it feel like Harper was much more to me than a friend, and yet had never been before.
That damned kiss.
If I was the person she deserved I would be so curious to discover the answers to my questions, but she was sweet, pure, kind, loving and loyal. She desired someone similar, someone who could offer her stability, and that was not me.
I was as she described me herself, impulsive, driven, intense, and living in a whirlwind. I had dates for weeks but never entertained a relationship beyond a month. Jay was currently living on borrowed time, although I genuinely liked him. I was not the settling down type of girl. I was far too busy to fall in love, perhaps a little scared too, my high school counsellor may even tell you I ran from it a little, never let a person settle there inside of me, cut them loose when they got too close and she was probably right. The counsellor was wrong on one thing though, I hadn't, never, let a person settle there, because Harper was settled there right now, with her feet up and using my heart as a foot stool. She had well and truly moved in, it was so slow I didn't even notice her sneak in there, not until recently and now I couldn't get her out. Harper Jameson had changed the locks, and not even a legal serve of papers forcing her to leave would do the job, she was illegally squatting in my heart.
Harper for your own good, it's time to get out of there.
***
"So this is it" my mom says opening up the store.
I look around at the large pharmacy, the whole back wall dedicated to the pharmacy side of things, and the front, a drug store, lots of things ranging from food to pregnancy tests, condoms and tampons. My days before this baby popped out were about to filled with glorious brain numbing retail work, something I had done many times before, of course not my chosen career, working with kids was, kids who needed more support in school. I would get back to my career when Wren was old enough to leave my breast for a day and eat food instead.
"It's great mama" I say as she looks around proudly and shows me the ropes.
"Hey Mrs's Jameson" Ethan calls as he arrives right on time.
"Hi Ethan" she calls back.
I turn around and he smiles "hey Harper" he adds.
I smile back "hi" I reply and he pulls his jacket off and places it over the counter, pulling his white coat on instead.
I hold my hand over my mouth trying not to laugh at how he looked. He clocks my reaction and smiles jovially, turning in a circle "don't you think it suits me" he asks.
I nod "it does..." I say impressed.
He didn't look half bad. I sit down on the stool behind the register and start doodling on a piece of paper as we await the first customer, mama is out back getting things ready.
Ethan walks behind me to get to the door and looks over my shoulder to my doodling "who is Wren" he asks catching me off guard and so close to my ear. I jump back a little "sorry" he apologises stepping back out of my space.
I turn and look back to him "my daughter" I confess. I didn't know Ethan but I wasn't ever going to hide my child if someone asked.
"Oh" he says quite taken aback. "How old is she" he asks as he buttons up the coat slowly, his eyes returning to mine.
I pat my tummy "four months in the oven" I say with a smile.
His eyes widen with shock "you don't look pregnant"
"Well, I assure you it's not just a burger... there's quite the little person in there and last night... I think I felt her for the first time" I confess with a smile at the thought of it. I hoped tonight she would let me know with a larger kick to the bladder.
"Wow" he says completely awed, his mouth a little open but smiling, he's amazed.
"Well congratulations Harper... and your boyfriend?" He asks me curiously.
I shake my head "no boyfriend... she was quite the accident and the gift given back in return for my V card" I say bluntly but trying to lighten the delivery of my predicament.
"Oh right" he says "gosh that must have been quite the shock" he adds and he actually looks empathetic. "So he's not around then" he asks.
I shake my head "no and he never will be" I confess and he nods but you can tell it bothers him.
"I'm sorry that happened" he says as if he reads my mind and I try and hold back the way he makes me feel there for a moment, like I was safe enough to confess the entire thing and he would hear me, and let me.
"Thanks" I say quietly and I turn back to the doodle as he goes out the back.
Ethan appeared to be everything that Max was not, and I would be lying if I didn't say he intrigued me, but Max had shaken my confidence in myself for judging a persons character.
***
"Honey I have to go and deliver some paperwork to the college for Ethan, you want to come with me and wait in the car or-"my mama asks.
Ethan butts in "I can drop her home" he interjects.
My mom looks to me "that okay Harps, what do you want to do..."
"I can go with Ethan"
She smiles and kisses my head. "You will be home an hour before me and it will be good to get off of your feet. Go feed that baby something" she suggests and she lets me go and locks up.
"Come on then" Ethan says walking across the parking lot to his truck. He opens up the passenger door and holds out his hand "I will help you up" he says with an endearing smile. I take his hand. I note how wonderful he smells as he pushes me up and I slip into the raised seat. "Are you in my lady" he asks with an English accent.
I look back to him amused "I am" I reply as he shuts the door and runs around to jump in beside me. He is so excited you would think we were off to Disneyland.
"Are you always this cheerful"
He starts the car and throws his bright blue eyes over me "only when I have a beautiful girl in my car"
"Said every serial killer ever" i retort and he lets out a deep laugh. "You are funny" he observes as if it was quite the surprise.
"So Ethan... do you have a girlfriend, or perhaps a boyfriend" I ask and I ask it this way to see his reaction, is he accepting of those that are lgbtq, you can always tell by this reaction with men, are they comfortable to even discuss it.
"No boyfriend... currently" he jokes "but I broke back mountained with a guy once in the desert... we were high on psychedelics and I've never felt the need since... to be clear there was never penetration... but man we held each other like we were Rose and Jack on the titanic. Loved him for a whole twenty four hours... I wonder what happened to that dude" he trails off with a smile on his lips and I can't help but laugh, a loud and hearty laugh.
"And girlfriend... no not at the moment... but I kind of feel like she's close" he says winking at me teasingly.
"Oh...she's not" i retort.
He playfully swats my knee "stop flirting with me" he says jovially and before you know it we are laughing all the way back to the house and as he helps me down at the end of the drive I can't help the way he makes me smile. "Thanks for the drive home" I say letting his hand go as I put two feet back on the floor. "Oof" I say frowning and clutching my belly.
"Whats wrong" he asks concerned.
I grab his hand automatically and place it on my stomach "you feel that" i ask and we both look at each other a little wide eyed, our mouths both open in awe.
"Shes dancing" he says and he smiles and looks down at my stomach before returning his gaze to me, his breathing a little unsteady as his eyes drift from mine to my lips, his hand still firmly pressed to me.
"Harper" comes a voice from the house and I turn snapped out of my daze to see Teddy, hands on hips eyeing us with quite the suspicion on her perfectly sculpted eyebrows.
Ethan is still staring at me but soon looks to Teddy who is striding up the pathway towards us "Hands" she says to him and he looks down and whips it away.
"The baby was kicking" he says as if he has to give a reason he was touching me.
Teddy looks to me a little thrown "wait what... she's moving?" she asks excitedly and she places her hand on my stomach and bends down.
"Well she was" I confess as Teddy looks disappointed and stands back up.
"You never told me" she says and I wonder why she is acting so put out by that, it's not as if she's been here to tell.
"I should go" Ethan says and we both turn back to him almost forgetting he was there.
"You should" Teddy says rudely.
I whack her shoulder lightly "rude" I chastise.
She shakes it off. "I meant...in the nicest possible way... you should" she says and she looks at me apologetically. "Sorry"
"Hey wait a minute" Ethan says coming back round the truck "aren't you Theodora Nomikos" he asks.
She nods "the very one" she says with a smile now replacing her frosty reception moments ago.
"Oh my god I love you" he says wide eyed and excited "We have your poster up at my gym" he says before realising that was a little inappropriate.
I bet it was the woman's health one where she was wearing a sports bra on the front cover, a basketball spinning on one finger.
I had that one myself.
"Oh man that final dunk of the championship...right after the dance... spectacular... I hear you may be up for an award in the new year for your performance" he asks and she nods.
"That's right... most valuable player of the season" she says proudly and I smile and look to her quite proud myself.
"The fact you got Rookie of the year a few years back too... you are the one to watch" he says.
"Thanks" she replies politely.
Ethan looks to me and smiles "see you at work in the morning then Harper... and your little dancer too" he says looking at my belly with a wave.
Teddy looks from him to me and studies my features as he leaves and starts his truck.
"What is it" I ask turning to find her gaze still upon me.
"Is that the Pharmacy dude" she asks, and I nod as we turn to walk back up the drive.
"Looks like you may have succumbed to his charms already" she says nudging me as we walks side by side.
I frown "Not that it matters but I haven't actually" and as we approach the door Demi opens it and I walk to the stairs and disappear for a moment to shower and change. Teddy's question bothered me. It wasn't the question necessarily but the words, I had fallen for Max's charms and now that phrase made me a little sick to the stomach.
***
Demi's eyebrows shoot up as Harper passes her and disappears up the stairs seemingly hurriedly and she looks back to me judgementally "Theodora if that wasn't the most ridiculous display of 'hands off my girl' I've ever had to witness... she isn't yours" she reminds me.
"It wasn't meant like that... I worry about her after what happened.I don't want anyone hurting her again" I reply honestly running my hands through my hair and letting out a long breath "did it really come off like that"
Demi shakes her head "not entirely" she replies quietly "to those who know... yeah"
"That's just you" I remind her and I pretend to zip my lips.
She rolls her eyes at me "just remind yourself next time that Harper can hold her own and if she likes him, let her. I don't see you settling down anytime soon Ted... and you know it"
I nod and look around "where is everyone" I ask and Demi grabs an apple.
"Willa took Erica and Mary out to get supplies for their trip home, they are all out after the trip camping over the weekend. Callie is on the internet stalking her 'five' from college"
"Ooh Luke" I ask and she nods.
"Apparently he's more of a six now" she assures me and we both head off to tease her and get a better look.
***
Our last dinner with the group was outside, Erica grilled, Mary sat with her hand pressed to my belly the entire night determined not to miss her first feel of kicks before she left. Mama sat with Calliope trying to talk her out of a mid life crisis and Demi and Teddy were thick as thieves opposite, talking about Demis husband and of course Jay Jones and what a good catch he was. I try not to listen to the boy chat and focus on Mary, she is like a grandmother to me, she is so wonderful, she knew my own grandmother, Helena, and I love her stories of her, how alive she was in her mind, it made me feel a little closer to her.
"Oop" Mary calls out suddenly her eyes widen and her hand pressed excitedly harder against my belly "there she is" she says and everyone stops what they are doing and clambers over each other to get to my poor little belly, soon covered by a thousand hands. Everyone is silent, a thing to accomplish with this group and as Wren flits about kicking and punching everyone starts to "ooh" and "ahh" and everything in-between to feel her there inside.
"Wow" Mama says kissing my forehead "I love her so much already Harps"
"She's a little firecracker" Mary observes "and of course she would be with the women who went before her... her ancestry is full of fierce and incredible women"
Willa nods "agreed... but I think she's actually practising her dribble techniques"
"Oh that's most certainly a slam dunk she's just pulled off" Teddy nods before she looks up to me lovingly from where she is sat on her heel. "I can't wait to get her a ball"
"Maybe let her figure out her hands first and how they exist" Mama says stroking Willa's cheek tenderly.
"Okay everyone off" I beg and I sit back as they all fall away. "The zoo is shut and I'm wiped I'm going to bed" I say going round the table and kissing everyone, wrapping my arms around the ones who sit "I'm going to miss you all when you leave tomorrow"
"And us you Harps" Calliope says with a smile.
I get to Teddy who is stood by the door "night" I say.
She reaches for my hand "I am sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to be rude I am just protective over you"
"It's okay, I think Ethan was way more into you by the end of that conversation. I should think he forgot instantly how you looked at him like you would tear his arm from his body "
"Did I?" She asks quite taken aback.
"No" I say smiling teasingly "but the fact you thought you did says it all...no?"
"Harper..." she says "must you tease"
"Yes.... With you... always" I return playfully.
I open the door and head up the stairs away from her, and as I go I realise how flirty that came across and curse myself.
***
I read three chapters of my book in bed before my eyelids got heavy. I reach over and shut off the light and fall into a sleep pretty quickly.
The knock at the door, it filters into my dream, knock knock ... "Harper"
My eyes flick open and I turn to see Teddy in the door way, in bed shorts and a sports bra "can I share with you" she asks.
I lay my head back down and lift the sheet, she shuts the door, the light leaving with it.
She slips into the sheets, pulling them around herself beside me. "Are you okay" I ask her raspy with sleep.
She lays on her side. I can see her eyes on mine, she seems a little off "what is it" I whisper and she visibly gulps.
"I just didn't want to sleep alone" she confesses. "And the couch is not as comfy as Willa sells it to be"
"Okay" I whisper "well night" I say turning over and looking at the wall.
Teddy's presence beside me made me feel overwhelmed, the sweet scent of her, her warmth, I wished I could curl up against her.
My belly rolls, literally like Wren somersaults and I let out a gasp.
Teddy sits up "what" she says worriedly.
"feel" I say reaching back and pulling her arm around my body, her hand pressed to my belly as she shuffles up behind me. Its then when I feel the flesh of her stomach press to the flesh of my back as my vest has slid up, that I realise my error and I close my eyes and bite my lip, fuck.
Wren enjoys the quickened beat of my heart and it feels as if she is raving for a few moments. Teddy smiles against my shoulder, and as her mouth closes it is as if she catches me there with a kiss. Then we lie there together, our bodies in this beautiful embrace, Wren under our palms and it's as if neither of us wants to say a word or move an inch and have this end... and it didn't because when I finally wake up in the morning her arm is still there, wrapped around me, her warm breath against my skin as she sleeps behind my shoulder.
I smooth my fingers over her hand at my belly and close my eyes "I love you" I confess quite guiltily, knowing she is asleep.
Why did I have to love the one girl who was completely out of my league and unattainable... I'm sure there was an answer to that, I'm sure a therapist would love to tell me. Luckily I had a girl right under my hand who was coming in under five months now, to dance away with my heart and until then I would have to suck it up and survive Teddy... and her boyfriend.