For the third morning in a row I run to the bathroom and throw up, my head hanging over the bowl, my eyes on the white tiles beside the toilet. "Fuck" I whisper. "Please not that" I beg as I realise this may not be a sickness bug, but that my period was late.
The sight of the unopened box of tampons beside my vanity was all I can now see, a visual I didn't need, a baby, no no no no.
I sit up and wipe my mouth and I stand and pace a little trying to work out the dates. I have been here for four weeks, staying at my mamas, but I am due to go back to my dads and find out where I go for my mission, next week.
Oh god no, he would find out, he would be so disappointed in me.
I take the stairs slowly, dragging my feet a little, mama and Willa are talking animatedly in the kitchen, it's a weekend and they are preparing to go to the community centre where Willa coaches the little ones on a Saturday.
I appear in front of them and they both stop laughing about whatever it was they were talking about. Willa releases Mamas waist from their embrace and they both turn "what's wrong" Willa asks.
I hesitate a moment "I think..." I begin "I think I need to go get a pregnancy test" I confess.
My mamas hand shoots up over her mouth.
"Oh" Willa says a little taken aback and in true Willa style she comes over and wraps her arm around my shoulder with a squeeze "I'm sure it's nothing but I will run out and get you one, okay little bird"
"Okay" I squeak and she runs out of the house leaving me and my mama stood there a little frozen to the spot.
"When was your period due" she asks me removing her hand from her mouth.
"Last week" I confess.
"Okay" she says taking a deep breath "you know if it's positive Harps your dad will obviously find out and you won't be able to go to the mission"
I nod "yeah mama I kind of knew that" I confess sarcastically.
"Baby I know I'm sorry ... I'm a little thrown I've gotta be honest" she says and she walks over and wraps me in her arms " whatever happens we are here for you and we support you okay"
"I know" I say holding tightly. "I love you"
"You too my baby" she says kissing my forehead. "I guess it's time to find out if my baby is about to have a baby" she says taking a deep breath "Harper I'm not even forty... I'm too young to be someone's grandparent" she says sitting on the stool beside me and feeling a little dazed by the thought.
"Atleast you will be young and fun... people will
Think it's yours and Willas" I return with a nervous laugh.
She hides her head in her hands and laughs nervously too "lord"
***
Three sets of eyes observing the pink test upon the bathroom counter, nervous glances shared as the seconds tick by slowly.
"Should we be seeing a line by now" Willa asks.
Mama nods "yep"
"Good I'm not pregnant" I remove my eyes and walk back into the bedroom "thank god for that" I say falling dramatically back into the bed "it must just be the stress keeping it at bay"
"It's coming" Willa calls.
I sit bolt upright, my stomach filling with worry.
"what" I call back.
Mama appears in the doorway holding up the test and I squint seeing the two lines and a tear falls down my cheek "no" I whisper "no mama" I beg and she walks over and encases me in her embrace whilst stroking my hair.
Willa comes in and wraps her arms around us both.
"It's going to be okay" my mama whispers "we got you okay... we got you both" she whispers.
***
When I got off of the plane in Utah, my dad was waiting for me with open arms, my little brother Benjamin, named after him of course, was stood by his side, he's three years old and my dads twin.
"Harper" Benjamin calls and he runs and jumps into my arms, catching my belly at an angle. I panic internally as I move him onto my hip. It's been a week since I learnt of the little life in my belly and although the thought petrified me, I also felt extremely protective of it already. They were created in such a bad way, no love, no joy, no happiness and now I felt a strong desire to protect them, to have them safe, for them to be happy, for them to be good, everything their moment of creation was not, and if I could eradicate Max from this child's life, I would.
"Hey Harps... how is my beloved only daughter... are you excited to find out your mission placement tonight" he asks excitedly wrapping his arms around me.
I take a breath, a slow inhale and exhale and I try and remind myself that this would probably have to be a quick ripping of the band aid situation because I was not going on a mission, I was not about to leave for two years, in two years I would have a one and a half year old, oh god, that thought was terrifying.
My dad was about to be so disappointed in me, I thought to Willa and made myself stiffen my upper lip because if she could survive her Exile, and her fathers abandonment of her, than I could survive this. Even if he reacted terribly, I still had my Mama and Willa, they were already incredibly supportive and told me I could move in there. I didn't know what was about to happen but this day was one of those big ones in life that you don't forget, marked on the Calendar in your mind, an x marks the spot.
"Dad I need to talk to you about that"
He loosens his embrace and looks at me, his brown eyes studying me "why" he asks cautiously and he takes Benjamin from my hip and throws him up on his shoulders "let's walk to the car"
I wheel the luggage along behind me. I didn't know if I should even leave the airport, was there much point? I could be on the next plane home if this all went to hell. I should tell him now, shouldn't I?.
My dad buckles Benjamin into the car and turns to grab my case to put in the trunk but I reach out and stop him, my hand on his "dad wait can we talk first" I ask.
He is a little thrown "can't we talk in the car" he asks.
I shake my head "no let's just talk before we go... please"
He leans against the car, crossing his arms "what is this about" he asks a little seriously.
I nervously fumble with my hands "dad I have something to tell you and I know it's not great. I know you will be so disappointed in me but it's my reality now and I need you to try and remember that, that I can't change it" I confess.
He unfolds his arms and wraps one around my shoulder looking quite worried "Harps what on earth is it"
I gulp and look back into his eyes "dad... I'm pregnant" I confess more bluntly then expected.
He looks at me like he's trying to make sense of that and is completely overwhelmed "Harper" he says but he can't find his words and he removes his arm from my shoulder and strokes his face with his palm "How can you be pregnant" he asks me a little sterner.
"Dad it was one time and it was a mistake and I'm so sorry I never meant for it to happen" I say flustered.
He holds up his hands "who is this boy" he asks me " are you going to marry him" he adds "is he from the church"
I shake my head "he's not from church"
He shakes his head and mutters agitatedly "well you will marry him"
"it's the only way" he adds.
I shake my head and tears fall down my cheeks "I will not. Dad he's not a nice person" I say wiping tears away.
My dads not listening to me anymore he's pacing and planning a wedding out loud whilst I stand and shake my head watching him.
"Daddy I'm not going to get married" I state again.
He turns and looks at me, his face awash with concern "Harper it's the only way to fix this mess"
I wipe the fresh tears that have fallen "daddy I don't need you to fix anything. I will live with mama... you don't need to make this go away... I'm not ashamed of this baby" I confess as I place my hand on my stomach.
He shakes his head "Allie is being quite supportive I expect. I bet her and Willa are quite happy... they get a baby together... but it's yours" He looks agitated and angry "don't expect to keep it. Allie has wanted another child for so long she will be probably have it off of you before it's been placed in your arms"
"That's an unforgivable thing to say" I return and I reach for the extended bag handle and pull my luggage back to the revolving doors.
"Harper" he calls after me but I keep on walking.
I didn't have the energy to listen to my dad unravel. I wasn't about to be told what to do or how to be. I would never accept a fate I didn't choose for myself. I chose to keep this baby inside of me, and in doing so I accepted our fate as one, me and you Wren, me and you, and nobody, and I mean nobody, was about to manipulate my life. I was back in control and I would never let that control slip away again, not for my dad, not for my family and not for my friends.