Onism; The awareness of how little of the world you'll experience; the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.
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Unknown: Happy birthday Ivy, and you know what they say; sometimes old habits never die.
This is another one of those 'I need a cigarette' moments, because I really do. It's not coincidence and I'm not stupid either, I know who it is.
"Hey, you okay?" River nudges me.
"Uhm, yeah, I just- I need to take a breather outside real quick. I'll be right back." I hop up from my seat and grab my jacket from one of the other chairs where I left it and make my way towards the back door.
Once I slip outside and move to the side of my house, I grab my lighter and pack of cigarettes out of my pocket. I pull one out and slip the pack back in my pocket before bringing it up between my lips and lighting it.
Drawing a slow breath in, I immediately feel less tense.
Sometimes old habits never die.
I don't know what his plan is or what he's trying to do, considering I haven't done shit to him, but he definitely planned this.
Maybe to mess with me, taunt me, I don't really know.
But there's a possibility he'll leave me alone if I figure out what the fuck he wants. But I don't want to go anywhere near him.
I slide down the side, sitting on the grass now. It's really chilly out tonight and it's only going to get colder considering it's the middle of November.
I hear the door and then I hear light footsteps getting closer. Letting out a breath when it's River who rounds the corner.
He sits down next to me with his legs out in front of him as mine are to my chest.
"I find it kind of cool we became close so fast." He says after a moment.
"Same." I put my cigarette out in the ground and set it next to me before turning my head to face him and resting it on my knees.
I know I do it a lot sometimes, but I love just looking at him. Seeing him here next to me calms me in way I've never felt before.
"I think I could be a writer with the amount of thoughts going through my head right now." He says while still looking forward.
"What are they?"
"I don't know how to say them."
"I get that." I reply softly.
"You look really gorgeous right now." He says, his eyes flitting over my face.
My lips twitch up as I try to suppress my smile because he definitely has already seen me blush too much in the past week.
"Are you staying the night?" I switch the subject.
"If it's an invitation then yes."
I wipe my legs as I stand up and reach a hand out to him, to which he gladly takes and gets himself up.
We make our way to the back door and through the house, our hands still interlocked.
My mom isn't in the kitchen when we enter again, so I assume she is either back in her room or in the living room. Judging by the noise coming from T.V in the living room, I'll go with the latter.
"Want another piece of cake or something else to eat?" I ask him and I place another piece of cake on my plate.
"I'll have another piece of cake, your mom wasn't lying when she said it was good." He explains while I place another piece on his plate.
"Do you guys want to watch a movie with me, I have popcorn?" My mom offers when she steps into the kitchen.
"Up to Vee," He points at me.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to sit and watch a movie with them, it might help distract me.
"Sure, why not." I shrug.
We both grab our plates and follow my mom back to the living room where The do-over is paused on the T.V. I've already seen this movie before, but it wouldn't hurt to watch it again.
"This movie is good." River says as plops down on the couch next to me. We both move to sit in a criss-cross position at the same time causing me to turn my head to him as he does the same.
I narrow my eyes as he does the same. "Stop doing that." I point my fork accusingly at him.
"Doing what?"
"That."
"I'm not doing anything."
"Well, you're doing something."
He scoffs, "Crossing my legs is not a crime Vee."
I'll show him a real crime.
Stop.
"It is when you do it at the same time as me."
"And why is that?" He asks before putting a piece of cake in his mouth.
"Because it's creepy." I defend.
"Stop acting like fucking kids and watch the movie." My mom speaks up from the left of me, completely cutting off our conversation.
"That was a little agressive." I mumble under my breath.
"I agree." River nods to himself.
I glance at him again to see him still sitting in a criss-cross postion and his cheeks are now puffed out because his mouth is now full of cake. A smile overtakes my lips before I can help it, but I'm not complaining.
River glances at me then faces the T.V again before doing a double take since he caught me staring at him. I physically hear him swallow about half of the cake in his mouth before he mumbles a, "What?"
"Just got a little something right there." I whisper as I point to the corner of my mouth to indicate he has a dot of chocolate at the corner of his mouth.
"Oh," He mumbles before wiping it away and turning the opposite direction. His cheeks tinge a light pink and I would tease him if my mom wasn't next to us trying to watch the movie.
He finishes the rest of his bite and I see him glance over at me a few times to see if I'm still looking. Once he sees that I am, he faces me with a frown on his face. "Watch the movie, not me."
"This is more entertaining." I tease.
He scoffs, taking another bite of his cake as I do.
I shake my head and face the T.V again, watching the rest of the movie.
We occasionally laugh, cuss out the characters, or watch in silence. Before we know it, the popcorn bowl is empty, as are our plates and the credits are rolling.
"That movie never gets old." My mom says, getting up to put the popcorn bowl in the sink.
"That I can agree on." River says as if they haven't agreed on almost everything tonight.
I shut off the T.V and follow River to the kitchen where we place out plates and forks into the sink.
"Alright, well I am going to bed so don't do illegal things. Goodnight, love ya." My mom says as she ruffles my hair and heads for the stairs.
I groan and fix my hair, jokingly giving her the finger behind her back.
"Saw that!" She shouts from the top of the stairs.
I scoff, "She did not." I mumble to River.
"Heard that too!"
"Go to bed and stop using your mom senses!" I yell back up to her. When she pulls the mom shit like that, it kind of creeps me out. She has like eyes in the back of her head as she says.
River just chuckles as he closes up the cake so it doesn't go bad.
"What now, Knight?" I ask him as he stand across from each other in the kitchen.
"I have an idea." Is all he says as he grabs his coat off the chair to put it on and goes to slip his shoes on.
I follow even though I have no idea what we are doing or where we are going.
Once we're both dressed for the outside, he opens the door and ushers me out first. He closes the door behind him, grasps his hand in mine, then starts walking.
"Jesus, it's cold." I mumble, fully zipping up my coat.
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We're laying down at the park, on the grass, on our backs. I am paranoid that a bug will crawl out of the ground and into my ear, but I push it aside as River and I lay side by side, hands intertwined.
"Do you believe in love?" He asks after a moment.
I open my mouth to reply, but shut it just as quickly. It's not that I don't believe in love, I just don't believe it's for me.
Out of my peripheral vision I see him turn his head to look at me, expecting an answer, but I face the stars as I finally reply.
"I believe in it for other people, but not myself."
"Why?" He asks, his voice merely above a whisper.
"I don't really know," I sigh. "I guess I like seeing other people in love, knowing they're happy, but I don't think anyone could love me. I think maybe I'm just a detour in someone's life where I'm here, we learn lessons or they learn just a little thing from me and they move on." I answer, my voice barely above a whisper as well.
He doesn't say anything after a moment so I glance at him just to see him looking at me, or through me.
"You're a loveable person, Reeves." I think my heart cracks a little, maybe even shatters, I'm not really sure.
Every time he opens his mouth, he says something that makes me hate myself a little less.
If that makes sense, I'm not sure on that either, maybe he broke my brain.
"Do you believe in love?" I ask him this time.
"Yeah, but I think I'm scared." He admits.
"Scared?"
"To fall in love." He clarifies.
"Why are you scared to fall in love?" I genuinely asked. If anyone deserves love, it's him.
He sighs, faces the dark sky again, his shoulders slouch down a little. "Falling always gets you hurt."
"Not if someone is there to catch you."
"Yeah, but how long will they be able to hold me?" He asks, and a small frown makes its way to my face.
I'll hold you.
"I think if I hit the gym, I'll be able to." I joke. He breathes out a laugh, looking at me with a smile on his face.
I look in his eyes and see so much emotion swimming in them, so pure, so raw.
I could look at his eyes all day.
"I've never stargazed before." River says after a moment.
"Really?" He nods.
"So what made you want to do it now?" I ask.
"You."
Oh.
We're silent after that, basking in the bright stars above us on a night that isn't so chilly.
I have a lot I could say right now in my mind, but I don't know how to say them. Nor do I think it's the right time to say them.
I don't know why, or what it is but every time I look at him I just get overwhelmed he exists. In way where he's just so prefect to me that I can't believe he's lying right next to me.
Like I look at him and I want to say everything that's going on in my mind, I want to talk, I want to hug, I just want to be here. Next to him. With him.
I sigh and slightly move my hand to pinch his arm.
"Ow." He says, grabbing onto his arm. "What was that for?" A small frown is on his face as he rubs the spot I just pinched.
"I just wanted to make sure you were real." I shrug.
His frown slowly morphs into a lazy grin as he looks at me. "Of course I'm real, gorgeous. Shocked I'm too perfect?" He asks, in a joking way not knowing that that is actually the case.
"Yes." I admit.
Then he pinches my arm and I now realize that it kind of hurts. "Ow."
"Just making sure you were real." He mocks.
"Mhm, bet you were."
Unexpectedly, he rolls himself over then props himself above my body, our face just inches apart.
"There's another way I can make sure you're real." He says.
"Yeah? What would that be?"
"This," He says before leaning down and capturing my lips in his.
I don't know if I want to kiss him all the time because he's a great kisser, or I love being that close to him.
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a/n: this is not what i had planned for this chapter at all but i wanted it to be cute and i also wanted to get something out for you.
I'm also not sure if you noticed, but before this book came out n i posted a snippet of the "why are you scared to fall in love" scene and it was originally gonna be ivy saying the answer but i changed it to river instead. lol.
also, again, i'm very sorry for taking so long to update. i just couldn't write or something and i hope this is good bc i'm really tired while writing this. and i wanted something out bc i will be working on my school work tomorrow. yay. (not)