"This is good. This is great." Amelia let out, moving from the bathroom to the wardrobe, at the attending's lounge. "I don't have to sneak out, I don't have to sneak in... when I want sex, I can just come over. Well, as long as the kids are asleep."
"Amelia." Helena shut her eyes with a chuckle, a light blush taking over her cheeks.
"Can you stop it?" Maggie requested, as Meredith simply snacked on some cereal, on the couch.
"Why would I want to stop it when I can just do this whenever we want?" Amelia smiled, bending down slightly to press a kiss to Helena's lips, who had a few articles in front of her, sitting at the table.
"Ok... this is- I'm just gonna... ok." Helena decided, grabbing the article nearest to her and lifting it up to read, clearly flustered.
"You're flashing your money after going to the ATM, we get it. You're sex-rich. It is not polite to brag in front of people who are sex-poor." Maggie complained. "Lena doesn't brag. Lena is polite. Be more like Lena."
"Yeah, I don't really do sex talk?" The shorter woman let out. "Not about my sex life anyway. I'm all for hearing if anyone wants to share." She shot Meredith a glare.
The blond was still to tell her sister she'd hooked up with the man Maggie had taken an interest to.
"Nope. Nothing to share." The blond simply let out, almost hiding behind her bowl of cereal.
Just then, everyone's pagers went off, Amelia reading out. "Multiple MVCs coming into the ER."
"Hey, Pierce, I got a valve replacement." Riggs let out, opening the door, as Helena got up from her seat and piled up all the paperwork. "You got the ER?"
At that, the woman took a moment to answer, her mouth falling open. "Yep. I can cover the pit."
"Good. Shepherd, Campos. Grey." He let out, leaving the room.
"Was that normal?" Maggie asked.
"Very normal." Helena comforted. "Now, ER. Let's go."
——
"Kara, I need you to try and slow your breathing. Can you try to do that for me?" Helena requested, as she put some gel on a pregnant's woman stomach. The girl had been involved in a car accident, during a funeral procession.
"Oh, God, is he alive? I can't even feel his little kicks." She hyperventilated, as the fetal surgeon furrowed her brows, focusing.
"He may be less active from the pain meds we gave you, ok?" Owen suggested, as Helena began the ultrasound.
"Please, just tell me, is he..."
"Oh, Kara, you hear that?" Helena smiled in relief. "That's a strong, stable heartbeat. It means he's ok."
"Films are back." Jo announced, as Amelia entered the trauma room.
"Hey, do we know where the deceased guy was put?" She asked.
"What?" Kara breathed out. "Who else is hurt? Is everyone hurt? Did I kill anyone?"
"Oh, you were the driver?" Helena furrowed her brows, covering the woman's belly after sipping away the gel.
"I was late for the funeral. I came around the corner and there they were. The whole procession. I ran right into them. It was me." She sobbed.
"It was an accident." Helena nodded.
"I'm sure they'll understand." Owen agreed.
"Not my family. They don't understand me. I haven't even seen any of them for almost ten years." She cried. "Dad, maybe. But mom? Julian and Morgan? God, I never should have come back. I just wanted to tell my dad that I loved him." She sobbed.
"Hey, Kara. It was an accident. You didn't mean to." Helena nodded. "We're going to take you to CT now, ok? Your pelvis is fractured and there might be some bleeding, the risk is minimal for the baby."
"Ok, ok." She exhaled.
——
"I'm just staying, working in the clinic, loosing privileges, I'm all for it. But accusing Alex of a felony?" Helena let out. "Not that I can blame DeLuca, he did beat him up really bad..."
"Yeah, he did." Owen nodded.
"But then again, you did punch a cardio attending in a hospital hallway and no one said a word." She shrugged, as they entered the CT viewing room.
"Wait, apples and oranges." He requested, raising a hand. "Riggs and I, it was personal."
"Well, just apples. He though Andrew was hurting Wilson. It was also personal." Helena argued, as they sat down. "I mean, if you want to 'apples and oranges' this, it'd be more plausible to argue yours was a single punch."
As Jo finished putting the patient in the machine, she walked back into the viewing room, announcing. "Shepherd just paged. The mom's ok."
"Good." Helena sighed, turning on the microphone. "Kara, we just got the word, your mom is fine."
"Ok, thanks." She nodded.
"So, you and Shepherd? You're... a thing?" Owen asked, pursing his lips, as he set up the computer.
A bit uncomfortable that she was talking to Amelia's ex, Helena chuckled, awkwardly. "Uh, yeah. We are."
"Huh." He let out.
"Huh?" Helena furrowed her brows, tilting her head in confusion.
"No, I mean, as long as you're both happy." He shrugged, thought there was something off about his tone. "It's none of my business."
"Good." She nodded, pursing her lips together, a bit thrown off at the tone he continued to use. Clearly, it wasn't curiosity or concern, it was something else entirely.
"I just didn't think Amelia was... I didn't know she was interested in that."
"In... women? In me?" Helena blinked rapidly, uncomfortable and a little surprised. "Well, yes, I think it's clear she is, now."
——
"Ok, so, she seems stable." Helena let out, walking out of the patient room with Jo and Hunt. "Jo, can you monitor her?"
"Sure." She nodded, walking away.
"But you and Amelia. It's not official, right?" Owen asked, as they walked down the hallway.
"I mean, we're... we're seeing each other. It's not anything too serious yet, we haven't... no, I guess is the answer." She explained, with a shrug, moving the fix the necklace around her neck. "Look, I know she's your ex and everything, and I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, o-or if you still have feelings for her, but-"
"I'm not uncomfortable." He let out, defensively.
"Great." Helena smiled, glad to dissipate some of the tension.
"I just think she deserves more." Hunt blurted out.
At that, Helena halted, furrowing her brows. "Excuse me?"
"She deserves more than just 'seeing you'. Than just... sneaking around with you to have sex." He pursed his lips together.
"Ok, Hunt, I don't know what idea you got, but I didn't impose any sort of casual relationship on Amelia. This is something that we're both comfortable with for right now, and-" Helena's eyes hardened at the insinuation.
"Well, I'm just saying I'd be ready to marry her. Right now, today, if she asked me. I'd marry her." Hunt let out, with a shrug. "Can you say the same thing?"
"Look, I don't know if you interpreted my consideration for your feelings as something else, but I did not, at any moment, invite you to question me or my relationship. Nor did I request an opinion." Helena raised her hand, placing it in front of herself. "You're out of line, here."
"Because I don't think you can. I don't think you're ready to give her want she needs." Hunt argued.
"Well, how about you take a second to consider that maybe what Amelia needs is not to be rushed into a relationship o-or a marriage?" The pediatric surgeon whispered, though her tone was one of a yell. "Maybe what she needs is a slow, stable and healthy relationship, not to be thrown into a life long commitment on a whim? Because I think your confusing your needs for hers, here, Hunt. Or maybe you should have considered asking her what she wants, instead of assuming. Because I did. And what we both want right now is to take it slow. So you have no business commenting on that."
"Taking it slow towards what, exactly?" Owen scoffed, shaking his head lightly. "You can't give her children, you can't give her a marriage in the church. Even if you wanted to, since you've already had all that: the marriage, the kids... All you can do is trap her into babysitting your girls, trap her into a relationship with a widowed mother of two. You can't build a life with her, you can only really play house. And if you can settle for that, great, but you're being selfish in trapping her into that, too."
"Don't you dare!" Helena snapped. "Don't you dare tell me that because I'm a widow I am giving her any less of what she deserves. Don't you dare insinuate that my daughters would be any sort of burden, or any sort of inconvenience. And don't you say that because I can't get married in the church my eventual marriage with a woman would be any less valid. And, may I remind you, we could have children, if we chose to. You're a doctor, you should at least know that much. And, may I emphasize, could. Because I can get my head out of my own ass for long enough to not simply assume that anyone I am with automatically has to want children. Or choose to ignore them when they make it clear they don't. But then again, not everyone can avoid being self absorbed to that degree." Helena spat out, the two facing each other in the middle of the hallway. "And might I remind you, Amelia broke up with you. I don't think that would have happened if you really had such a good idea of what she wanted, or even if you were simply any good for her. If you are jealous or whatever this is, you deal with that in private." Helena looked around to the small crowd that had formed, stopping in their tracks to watch the altercation. "None of us should be forced to watch a middle aged man throw a temper tantrum because he's somehow convinced himself he has any say in other's relationships."
——
After monitoring Kara closely, the fetal surgeon had to go into surgery, as both the baby and the mother began showing signs of distress.
Having had to page cardio, as the woman heavily flatlined, Helena now scrubbed out of surgery with Riggs, Jo staying behind to close.
"Did you hear about the miracle lady in the ER?" The man asked. "MI coded her for 40 minutes, then dead for 20 more, the she sat up." He imitated a zombie sound, slightly raising his hands not to break the sterile field. "Awake and alive." As the younger doctor simply kept vigorously scrubbing her hands, he asked. "Hey, Campos?"
"What, sorry? Sorry, I was... what were you saying?" She shook her head.
"What's up with you?" He furrowed his brows.
"No, nothing. No, I'm good. It's just... look, we've lost people. Both of us, we've lost people. Do you think..." She sighed, attempting to phrase her question correctly. "Do you think it's unfair to anyone that might have a relationship with us, that we've been through what we have?" Helena asked, looking at him. "A-and I know that being a widow doesn't make me any less able to love, t-that's not what I'm asking, I'm just... I have two kids already, and a dead husband and a whole lot of other baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. Is it unfair to ask for anyone to... to deal with that?"
At that, he fell into silence for a moment, then shrugging. "I think that you're never going to move on, truly. You're never going to just forget about Mark just like I'm never going to forget about Megan. But I also don't think you should. I don't think it's... baggage, not any more than a failed relationship or any other past experience. And I'm not saying that will always be easy for the other person to understand or for you to remember, I'm not. You just need to find someone that is as willing to at least try as you are."
With a nod, Helena nodded, as she cleaned her nails. "You're right. Thank you."
"Any time." Riggs let out. "So, did you hear about the 60 minute code that came back to life?"
At that, Helena's jaw fell a bit open. "You're kidding? That's... we have a case of Lazarus Syndrome? Here?!"
"I know, right? How many registered cases do we even have, in the world? Like, 50?" He asked.
"38, actually, since 1982." She nodded. At the man's questioning look, she explained. "I am a curious person and I have a pretty high IQ, it happens. Do we know how bad the deficits are?"
"Pierce is doing a cardio assessment now. It could be a miracle." He suggested.
"Unlikely." She shook her head, grabbing a towel to dry off her hands. "I believe the best in people, but I know better than to believe the best in life."
"Do you ever have that dream? The miracle dream?" Riggs asked, shaking his hands and then grabbing a towel himself. "I'd roll over in bed and there she was, asking me to go make coffee. So real."
The scrub room fell into silence, Helena throwing her towel in the assigned bin. Then, she let out. "That morning, I said I was happy. So happy that I wanted to just stay home to have a family day, a happy day. So I'd do that. We'd have breakfast together and then I'd drop the girls off at Mer's and drive Mark and Derek to the airport myself, so they wouldn't have to leave the car there. And I wouldn't take any stupid shortcuts, because I would rather sit in traffic than risk being late, no matter how much the boys insisted. Then I'd drop them off, I'd tell Mark that I love him, and later I'd watch his talk at Hopkins on the internet and be crazy proud of him." Helena sighed, grabbing the door handle as she prepared to leave. "It would be as simple as not taking a shortcut, or having me drive them to the hospital, or them leaving a couple minutes earlier or later, and they'd still be alive. It would be that simple. If any tiny detail was changed, Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan would still be alive. So I know better than to believe the best in life."
——
"Ok, the girls are down." Helena smiled, slipping into her bedroom. In her bed, Amelia watched some TV, wearing one of Helena's t-shirt.
With a smile, Amelia patted down the place next to her in bed. "Good. Get your ass in here."
With a giggle, Helena hopped onto the bed, putting her legs under the blanket. "What are we watching?"
"Uh, I don't know. I was thinking horror?" The neurosurgeon suggested.
At that, the younger girl shook her head. "No. Nuh-huh. We're not doing that. We tried it once, I hated it. I hate being scared. It's not happening."
"Oh, come on." Amelia tried. "I promise not to jump scare you this time."
"No. Not happening. If you want a true crime documentary, you know I'm fine with those, but no horror." The brunette insisted, pulling her hair up into a pony tail.
"You do understand how contradictory that sounds, right?" Amelia teased. "That you're fine with hearing about all these murders but not with some creepy doll?
"Ok, I'm fine with hearing about scary things, I just don't like when they try to make me feel scared." Helena suggested, grabbing the remote from Amelia's hand. "Now, give me. We're watching 'The disappearance of Madeleine McCann'."
"Fine." Amelia accepted, resting her head against the headboard.
As Helena searched for the documentary on the TV, however, she nibbled on her bottom lip, deciding whether to bring what had been bothering her up. She stopped for a moment, putting the phone down to look at the other woman. "Amelia."
"Helena?"
"D-do you... this thing, the taking it slow. I like it. But we are... we're taking it slow towards something, right? We're- we're going somewhere?" Helena asked, furrowing her brows.
"Of course we are!" Amelia nodded, her brows furrowed in confusion. "Why wouldn't we be?"
"I don't know, I just... Look, I want to go somewhere with you." Helena nodded, grabbing the other woman's hand. "Because I like you. And I think this could really work. But there are certain things that... I think we should discuss certain things. Because I have a past, a whole, big, eventful past. And while I have moved forward, that doesn't necessarily mean I will ever move on from all of it."
"Ok..." Amelia straightened up against the headboard of the other surgeon's bed. "Lena, I get that. I get that you have been through a lot and I wouldn't... I don't want you to just forget about all of it. I don't want you to feel like you have to, because of me. I think that... I think that, if anything, your past makes you who you are today. And that's what makes us work."
With a soft smile, Helena let out, in relief. "Good. But I still... I want to do this with you. I do. But for that I need to know what you want, in the future. Because I think we're both past the point in our lives where we can just see where it takes us. I think we have expectations and we have aspects of our lives that we're not willing to give up. So we should talk about that."
"Sure." Amelia accepted, nodding. "Hit me with it. Ask me all the questions, job-interview me."
"Ok. Good." Pressing a kiss to her lips, she smiled. "But let's start tomorrow, because, now, we have a movie to watch."
——
"Of course I would!" Amelia let out, the next morning, pulling her top over her head. "Of course I'd be in Ali and Cara's life, I thought that was implied."
"Well, yes." Helena shrugged, putting on a pair of sweatpants. "How do you feel about kids of our own?"
"Uh, I don't... you know what, I'm not sure." Amelia shrugged, sitting on the bed to put on her socks. "Not right now. One day, in the future, maybe. I want to raise kids. But if I did that just as a step-mom, I think I'd be content. You?"
"One day, in the future, maybe." Helena smiled brightly, then chuckling. "Definitely not right now. Marriage?"
"Yes." Amelia simply answered. "Definitely."
"But you do know that... If we ever did get married, we wouldn't be able to do it through the church. Are you ok with that?" Helena asked, pulling a sweater over her head.
"I mean, I only ever really pray at AA, I'm not that religious. Are you?"
"No, no. I can count on my fingers the amount of times I've prayed in my life. But I'd want to get married through the state, though." Helena nodded, moving over to Amelia's side of the bed. "Now, you have to go so I can wake the girls up, or we'll be late."
"Ok." Amelia pressed a deep kiss to her lips. "I'll see you at work."
——
"Where would we move in?" Helena asked, as the two women walked down the hospital hallway, already in their scrubs.
"You're place. I love your place." Amelia nodded, then realizing how it sounded. "Well, if you'd have me. It's a great house. Plus, it'd be better for the girls, right? More stability?"
"Exactly what I was thinking." Helena hummed. "You know, I like this. Getting to know want you want, even if we already know each other pretty well."
"Well, there's still a lot we don't know. There's a lot I don't know about you, at least." She realized, tilting her head.
"Like what?" Helena furrowed her brows.
"Like, uh... How old was I when my dad died?"
"Five...?" The pediatric surgeon seemed confused as to the purpose of the question.
"See, you knew that. But your dad died, too. And I know you were a teen, but I don't really know when or how."
"I guess it just hasn't come up." Helena shrugged. "I was fourteen, it was a car crash."
"Before or after you moved here?" Amelia asked.
"Before. My mom moved us here because of it." Helena explained, with a nod. "Ok, my turn. If you get to ask questions, so do I."
"Fair enough." The older woman accepted, as they reached a nurses station, Amelia bending over the counter to grab their tablets.
"Why neurosurgery?" At that, Amelia stopped in her tracks to stare at her for a moment. "What?"
"I don't think I've ever been asked that before. People just assume I wanted to be like Derek." She shrugged, with a smitten smile.
"I know you better than to think you'd do anything just to be like someone else." Helena smiled, lifting a teasing brow, as she took her tablet from the other woman. "See, we know each other."
"Except there's stuff I don't know about you. And there's stuff you don't know about me. And... what if you don't like it? What if it's too scary?" Amelia asked, her bottom lip trembling, staring down at her tablet.
"Hey." Helena gently grabbed her hand, at that, as to catch her attention. Cupping Amelia's face with her hands, she reassured. "I'm not all that easily scared away from the people I care about. Plus, how bad could it be?" At the woman's worried look, she furrowed her brows. "Really, you can tell me anything. How bad?"
"You know what? Never mind." The neurosurgeon shook her head. "It's fine."
——
"DeLuca." Helena smiled, as he joined her at the peds nurses station. "It's good to have you back on my service. You've been on every other service since you got back, I was starting to think you were avoiding me."
"I'd just logged a lot of hours on peds, fetal and neonatal already." He shrugged.
"So, Jackson gave you a full bill of health?" She asked, as the two began walking down the hallway.
"Yeah, no, I'm good."
"And are you feeling ok about the trial? Because you know that if you need anything you can talk to me." Helena reassured. She wanted to make sure he had someone to turn to.
"I really can't, actually." He let out, making Helena look at him, a mix between surprised and a little saddened.
"What do you mean, you can't? You know that just because I'm friends with Alex, it doesn't mean I support what he did." She reminded the boy.
"With anyone. I can't talk about it with anyone. It was the Chief's orders, I'm sorry." He muttered.
——
"I'm trying to get there." Alex let out, slowly spinning around on one of the hospital stools. On the exam bed, Helena and Meredith shared a bag of chips, the shorter girl's legs over the blond's, as the three hid away in one of the clinic's private rooms. "I'll be there. I'll try."
"Was that your lawyer?" The blond asked.
"Meeting's supposed to be at four, if I can get past Timir, the gatekeeper." Alex rolled his eyes, taking a chip from the bag.
"Did you wash your hands?" Helena reprimanded, passing him some hand sanitizer.
"Why are we here?" Maggie asked, entering the room with Amelia.
"Because Alex's is here." Meredith let out.
"And we are Alex's friends, so we're seeing what he's up to." Helena squeezed some hand sanitizer onto the women's hands.
"Does Alex have something he'd like to share with the group?" Maggie asked, noticing the pamphlets on his lap. "AA pamphlets?"
"I have this patient, this college kid." He explained. "She's a mess."
As Helena offered some of her chips, Amelia took one from the bag, shaking her head. "Literature is not gonna do it. When you're addicted to something and you want it so bad, a piece of paper is not gonna make you stay away."
"What would make you stay away?" Maggie asked. "Say if you were a bartender and an alcoholic and there's alcohol in front of you. Right under your nose, all the time."
"Does Maggie have something she wants to share with the group?" Helena teased. "Or are we talking about the cardio surgeon type of alcohol?"
"The cardio surgeon kind." Maggie admitted. "Seriously, what do I do?"
"Uh, count to five. If that doesn't work, get out of there. Remove yourself from the situation." Amelia suggested.
Just then, Timir, the nurse in charge of the clinic, opened the door. Looking around the room, he let out. "Really? This is not a cafeteria, Karev. We've got two cases of strep, your alcoholic, your foot guy still needs-"
"I paged surgery!" He snapped.
"You're in a room full of surgeons!" The nurse pointed out the obvious.
"One of you guys want to lance a patient's foot abscess for me?" Alex tried.
"Resident's job." Maggie let out.
"I'm eating." Amelia denied.
"I would, but I don't want to." Meredith scrunched up her nose.
At that, Helena looked at all of them, before huffing. "Fine. You better love me for this, Alexander Karev." Hoping out of the bed, she smacked the back of his head. "Lancing a foot abscess should earn me eternal gratitude."
As she walked past the door, she smiled to the nurse. "Hi, Timir. Sorry about that. I'll make sure we sterilize the room after."
"Don't worry about it." He shrugged. "I'll have Karev do it."
"Oh, come on. I know he messed up, but he is trying his best to do a good job here." Helena tried to reason. "You could let him take the hour he requested, this afternoon."
"Not even the best clinic volunteer is going to get him out of this one, Dr. C." Timir shook his head. "He's gonna have to do his eight hours, same as anyone else."
——
That night, both Amelia and Helena having had to stay in the hospital for the night, they laid in the same bed, in an on call room.
As they faced each other, each on their own pillow, Helena tucked a strand of hair behind Amelia's ear. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know." Amelia opened her eyes.
"Good." Helena closed her eyes.
However, Amelia's remained open, as she bit the corner of her bottom lip, anxiously. As her eyes filled with tears, she let out, in a whisper. "There was this man I loved very much." As Helena opened her eyes, she continued. "And we loved taking drugs together, and one night we took a lot. And the next morning, I woke up, and he had OD'd and aspirated on his vomit and... died." Furrowing her brows in compassion, Helena whipped away a tear that rolled down Amelia's cheek. For a moment, the pediatric surgeon just let her eyes dart between Amelia's, who sniffled. "I told you it's bad."
Putting her hand on Amelia's cheek, Helena repeated to her what the woman had said a couple months before, on the night they'd first kissed. On the night Helena had told her about Alice Turner's death. "It was an accident. You didn't mean to."
At that, Amelia closed her eyes, letting out a small sob, that made her whole body shake.
"Hey..." Helena whispered, comfortingly playing with her hair. "I know you, Amelia. You don't have to be scared that your past will scare me away, because I know you. I know that... I know that you always have to floss before bed, and classical music helps you fall asleep. I know that loud noises used to scare you as a kid, after your father died, so you bought hundreds of firecrackers and lit them up until you weren't scared anymore, because that's the kind of person you are. That's how fearless and determined you were, even as a child. I know you had your first relationship with a woman with your fellowship mentor, and that you wanted to be a doctor since you were six. I know that you have a freckle that vaguely resembles Indiana, that you don't like peanuts or pepperoni, and that you love Italian food." Helena continued, still playing with Amelia's hair. "And I also know that you have an unbelievable ability to bounce back, and that you feel everything so fully that it sometimes hurts. I know that you are both extremely confident and insecure at the same time, because you know how amazing you are, but still feel like you aren't good enough for your family. I know that you haven't come out to them because of that, even if you're not ashamed of your sexuality. I know that you have the biggest heart, and that's probably one of my favorite things about you, and I know you are the most emotional intelligent person I know. I know that you are brilliant, and that you know how to respect your own boundaries, and I know that I respect and adore all of those things. I know you, Amelia. You're not scaring me away."
With pressed lips, Amelia nodded, before getting out. "So... I don't want you to go anywhere and you don't want to, either, so... so be my girlfriend, Helena. If you're ready, let's do this, for real. Because I am. I want to do this. The dating, and the going out, and the staying in, and the watching Disney with the girls, and the sleeping on the same on call room bed, without being scared anyone might walk in. I want all of it. If you'll have me, I want you to be my girlfriend, and I want to be yours. Because I've never felt more like myself, as when I am with you."
"Yes." Helena simply whispered back, practically melting, as a smile took over her face
"Yes?" Relief took over Amelia's face.
"Yes." She nodded, in confirmation. "Yes, let's do this, for real. Let's be girlfriends, and have dates and movie nights a-and all of it. I want to do all of it with you. You make me want to do all of it, all of the things I used to love, again."
——
Word count: 5087
AN:
This is a long one! Hope you enjoyed, and definitely let me know what you think of the whole Hunt situation and of the last little scene.
Thank you all so much for reading, I really appreciate you.