I've been standing in front of the mirror for too long. The void of silence made it seem like maybe a minute or ten had passed as I stared at my reflection. Other teenagers do this, I'm sure... looking out for any noticeable blemishes before daring to enter school halls. Only, right now I'm trying to judge something completely different.
It was almost time to go, my backpack sitting at the edge of my bed in my peripherals in the mirror reminded me. But my eyes stayed locked onto my face, onto the few areas of discoloration that remained there. It's looked like this for months, I realize, and I'm still not anymore used to the scarring than I was the first time Donnie stitched me up. Although, I guess I haven't allowed myself to look in the mirror often enough to. But now it's officially time to go back, and I'm hoping on everything these healed over scars that just don't belong on my face won't stick out to anyone passing by.
My hand comes up, lowering over my cheek. There's just the faintest of bumps lining my jaw along the cut, and otherwise it's like nothing ever happened. The thin line stretching a few inches from the side of my chin and back make it more obvious, and Roosevelt's going to have better lighting than this room... Now I'm really starting to wish I had a bottle full of foundation. Why didn't I think to get some with the rest of my school supplies?
Because makeup to cover up torture scars isn't a regular item on a back-to-school list, Y/n.
My shoulders slump as an exhale sighs out of my chest. My fingertips brush down past my jaw before I hear a knock. I turn toward the door quickly, pulling my hand down. "Leo?" I hope. I haven't gotten to talk to him this morning since I got up early and he slept in.
"Yeah," he peeks in slowly and finds me ready by the mirror. He smiles when his eyes land on me. He always does. "Hey."
"Hi." I'm already making my way over to him, feeling a smile spread across my face, too, now that he's here.
The blue in his eyes glimmered as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. "Whoa–" he chuckles as I throw my arms around his neck, pulling him down to me in a hug. I don't know why he sounds surprised since I left bed before he woke up to get ready almost an hour ago. "I missed you, too," he pats my back in a playful joke, and I almost roll my eyes.
"I'm about to leave and not see you all day. You can't blame me."
"I know, I know," his arms squeeze me tight, his tone turning slightly somber when I remind him. "I wanted to give you something before you left."
"Hm?" I lift my head from his shoulder, curious. He lets go of me to reach in one of his belt pockets, and when I caught sight of that little blue charm hanging from the silver chain, a soft gasp dropped my jaw. "I thought I lost this..."
He stared down at the chain his thumb was moving around in his palm as he spoke softly. "April gave it to me after the fight and... I needed it for a while." He explained. I look up to see his anguished expression, and it let me know exactly what he meant. "Um, I asked Donnie to put a tracker in it." I turn back to the jewelry when he sets it in my hands. It was still intact, but I notice a very subtle lighter blue outline around one of the patterns. A button in the middle of the shell. "It sends an emergency alert straight to my phone. In case anything ever happens and you can't get to a phone, or you need to call me without someone knowing, push that." My eyes slowly lift to his face, listening as his tender words and voice cause a warmth to crawl up my neck and spread through my ears and cheeks. "I know you're still scared and you just wanna feel safe. So, whenever you need me, day or night, no matter where you are, I'll find you."
I'm gonna melt, why is he so perfeeeect–
"Thank you." I breathed out instead, and threw my arms around him again, hugging him tighter than I think I ever have. I felt my eyes water, and nuzzled my face deep into his neck.
Okay, no tears... Tears aren't necessary. Just be happy he did this for you and move on...
I take a deep breath as my eyes remain closed, trying to keep the water back. But I couldn't help the beam of gratitude that stretched my lips. "Oh man, I'm really gonna hate being around those idiots all day instead of being down here with you idiots."
"Aw, thanks. You, too." He responds flatly while his arms engulf me, but I can hear amusement in his voice.
"Sorry..." I chuckle a little, forgetting to filter. My nose slowly nuzzles into the crook of his neck, and in turn his embrace tightens around me. "It's just, I know this is supposed to be a good thing but I'm really not excited about being around all those rowdy teenagers again."
"Hm. Now who sounds like a grandpa?" He teases while nudging me with his chin, making my smile widen and giving me the dose of endorphins I need before I go.
Reluctantly, I pull back from him just enough to see his face. I can feel the necklace's imprint as it sits in my hand, and I look up into his eyes so thankfully. "This necklace means a lot to me."
His eyes somehow soften even more, the smile on his face actually melting my heart, and I can feel the warmth of it oozing down through my chest cavity. Without saying anything else, he lifts the necklace from my palm and steps closer to me. My eyes fall closed when his body leans over me to push the chain around my neck, his soft aroma of incense and coffee blanketing my nerves. It tells me he's already finished training and meditation. And apparently spent sometime in the kitchen around Donnie's morning brew. I could feel his soft breaths on my cheek, and this moment felt anything but fleeting. But I knew better.
I heard the click when he fastened the small hook. His hands rest on either side of my neck now, encasing my face. His thumb could reach up enough to trace the line on my jaw, and I felt a prickling sensation at the exposure.
"... I wish you could come with me." I finally confess, softly. "You make everything easier."
I can feel Leo gazing at my downcast eyes, quiet in his thoughts, as if what I said was a surprise to him. I don't think he gets how much better he makes everything for me. "You know if you call I'll be free. I know you've got Casey and April but if you want to talk, I wouldn't mind that."
I gleam again at his sweetness, and nod once before setting my chin on his plastron as I look back up at him. "Ya know if I could, I'd renounce my place in society just so I could stay down here with you forever. Eating pizza and watching movies with you all day for the rest of eternity."
Wait a second. Food, TV, Leo and the rest of the guys. My three favorite things. That's not actually a bad plan... I'm gonna have to remember that.
"I know... I wish you could stay here, too. I wish this didn't have to be such a risk for you." One of his hands smoothed over my head gently to cradle it. The other lifted a thumb that rubbed at my hairline at the bottom of my neck in the most soothing way. Which is dangerous because I'm already this close to never leaving his personal space again. I close my eyes, relishing the soothing affection and wishing this didn't have to stop so soon.
But I hear my phone chime from the bed, and know it's probably April texting. Reluctantly I begin to pull away to grab my backpack, but his arms lock around me.
"Whoa. You know I won't let you leave without at least one more hug and kiss, right?"
He looks at me expectantly, making me laugh before I wrap my arms back around his shell, and kiss him hard enough to sustain me for the next seven hours. I feel his smile grow as I hug and kiss him, and he holds me fast against him.
The next tone from the bed is what breaks us apart. I can't help the giggle that escapes when Leo nudges his snout against my nose.
"... Maybe I am going through withdrawal. Now I really don't want you to go."
"Don't say that." I groan. "Don't tempt me to call this off so we can do this for the rest of the day."
"Wow. Rest of the day, huh?" Leo stares down at me, looking pretty amused.
Crap we've barely even kissed for months and I actually just said that...
"No I meant– not like the whole day." The top ridge of his mask raises and my face feels hot suddenly. "... I should go." He laughs as I turn away quickly to go grab my bag.
"I'll be here, thinking about what you meant–"
"Leaving, can't hear you!" I rush past him and out the door, avoiding eye contact like a pro.
"All day!"
• • •
"Junior locker wing. Didn't miss this."
"Just be happy you didn't fail U.S. History and get held back thanks to me." April nudges Casey's ribs while I look over the numbers to find my locker.
"Hey, Casey Jones doesn't fail at anything. I could've gotten at least a D on my own, easy. Dad just wasn't cool with that either..."
"This one yours?" April ends the conversation when I stop at the edge locker and check my schedule for the combination.
"Yeah."
"Top locker at the end, next to the vending machine. Conveniently placed for your cravings!"
"Casey, shut up." April whispers for some reason.
"What? You said 'try to frame this in an optimistic light.' Four years and I never get put next to the snack machines."
"He's not wrong." I ward off April's concerns, my back to them as I pull the door open. "I'm gonna be raiding that thing everyday."
"See? She gets it. If I'd had that locker last year I might've not stayed in shape for hockey."
"You're a stick, Casey. You would've been fine."
The rest of their banter drifts out of my ears while I'm packing my locker. But it's times like this I really have to wonder if there's anything between them at all or not. Other times I hung out with them I'd just sit back and see how long they can go back and forth for, but now, it's like there's a million other things I should be thinking about.
What make-up work to expect from my teachers today.
If the courses I picked for this year are too heavy to catch up to now.
How admittedly annoyed I still am after finally having to leave Leo this morning.
If Karai's going to be waiting around the next corner I turn with a handful of chloroform.
"Look who's finally back!" Casey breaks through my thoughts after I finally shove my bag into my locker.
I can hear April smiling as she asks. "How's it feel being back officially?"
"You wanna kill yourself yet?"
"Considering I've only just settled into this locker, and the only junior experience I've had so far is listening to you two bicker, I can't answer either of those questions yet."
"Are you nervous?" April asks.
I search for my folder and notebook, trying not to think about the honest answer. "Well, I've done this two years before, so I'm not really expecting anything new."
"She's using an unnecessary level of sarcasm. She's nervous." Casey grins in my direction although it's not me he's speaking to.
"Everything will be fine. This was a good time to come back. There hasn't been so much going on since we're about to come up on the middle of the semester."
"Great."
"Seriously." April keeps trying to encourage me while I'm organizing my things but the only thing I'm actually finding 'optimistic' is that vending machine full of chips and candy. "And with any luck you won't have to worry too much about catching up on the old units in some of your classes."
"Because luck is what got me into this situation." I grumble, yanking out a folder and notebook. Quiet settled behind me, making me realize they heard the comment. And that it came out sounding a little harsh. "... Sorry. I just really need to get through today."
"No. You have every right to be frustrated, I get it. But if something happens and you don't feel safe, we're just a class or text away."
Those words only twist my stomach into knots. I stop moving when that same trepidatious feeling that stabbed my heart last night when they dropped the Karai bomb on me returned. "We really don't have to talk about it."
"Yeah. Sure, of course."
I try my best to take a discreet breath, before closing my locker and turning face to face with them.
"Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Here." Casey tosses something my way. "The guys mentioned you get fidgety."
"What is this?" I hold up the little cube.
"A fidget clicker. It's what I use."
April tilts her head at him. "You had that and a fidget spinner?"
"Sitting in boring classes makes me want to pull my hair out." He shrugs. "A spinner doesn't work as well as the cube though."
I observe the cube with different colored buttons and switches to fiddle with. "So apparently I'm Casey Jones level of fidgety now. Awesome."
"Hey, you'll thank me later."
"Well, my class is on the other side of the building so I've gotta go," April says, "but I'll see you guys later."
"Same. But hey, if someone thinks you're a new kid and tries to mess with you, just call me." Casey points in my direction before grinding his fist into his palm, looking too eager for this to be a joke.
"I don't think it's gonna be a problem." I chuckle a little, then shove the clicker cube in my pocket. "Thanks, guys."
"See ya."
I pull out my schedule when they walk off. Health was first. But the teacher listed was a different one than I remember. More importantly, there was no room number listed and I realized I have no idea where that class would be located.
Wow. Fifteen seconds since they left and I'm already lost.
I pull out my phone to check how much time I have to figure this out when I hear a squeal cut through all the hallway chatter from an unknown direction. Before I know it, it suddenly feels like I'm being body tackled by someone. I nearly fell to the floor when someone's body collided with mine and arms wrapped around me. I flinched by natural reaction, but surprisingly my body didn't go into high alert. My brain must've been more curious wondering who the hell was crushing me in a hug right now, and who they must've mistaken me for.
"Oh my gosh, you're here! Girl, you dropped off the face of the earth! I thought you moved or switched schools or something. Where have you been?"
Oh yeah. Camila. I knew I recognized that bone crushing embrace from somewhere once before. She always was freakishly strong... And apparently got stronger over the summer.
Of course, maybe I'm just weaker now...
She pulled back to look me in the face, with her hands still holding me by my tensed shoulders.
Her expression flickers from glee to concern in a second when her gaze lands on the left side of my face. "Whoa, what happened?" She mumbled aloud, in apparent shock. I couldn't say anything as her eyes scraped over my jaw. An awkward quiet gapped between us until she looked up at me again.
I muster a smile. "Hey, Cam..."
The uneasy response must have made her think better of the sudden question, because she wiped away her previous worriment and shook her head. "Perdón, I just asked like a million questions. I'm just surprised to see you here after so long." Her hands drop to her sides, and she takes a breath as if she were a program restarting. "Hi. What's been going on with you?" She moved past that uncomfortable break so naturally... While I just stood there still trying to process the rush of this interaction. Though it reminds me why I always liked her. "I texted you a while back but there was no trace of you."
This is starting to feel unreal. I didn't even think Camila thought of me as a friend like that, and now she was here acting like her concerned mama bear self on my behalf. I honestly thought those invitations were just to be nice since we were in f/a together. That was just about the only time we actually hung out last year. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think I've even seen her since that party went sideways so long ago...
"Yeah, I saw them a couple weeks ago..." I started, and Cam's head tilted, probably noticing that she texted those messages months ago. "It's... been a rough summer."
The subtle difference that shifted in demeanor was easy to read; there was some level of understanding, even with my dodging. Her face didn't drop or adopt an exhausting expression of pity. Just sympathy. "I'm sorry." She left it there, seeing that I didn't want to talk about it. I'm just glad my vague explanation was enough for her to accept. She waved it off with a cool smile. "Say no more. It's just cool to see you back. Is this your first day?"
Seriously. I acted weird and she changed the subject so naturally. I've got to learn how to do that. "Yeah."
"Alright, you know the drill." She offers her hand. It takes me a second before I realize to pass her my schedule. "We were all wondering if you were coming back when you didn't sign up for f/a. I bet Ms. Connors would find something for you to do."
"I don't know, I gotta catch up on everything first."
"Oh yeah. That's smart. You know how she is about grades." She hands the paper back when she's finished looking it over. "We have Culinary and Spanish together."
One class for each day. I don't even remember signing up for Culinary, but I've heard it's easy, which is good for me. I smile. "Great. Do you think you could help me find my first class? I don't know the teacher."
"Oh yeah, the new Health teacher? It's on the second floor." Cam looks back when she's called by a couple friends I vaguely recognize, waiting by the lockers. "You know that back hall where Stevenson's science class is, right? Right next to it." The warning bell went off. Students were finally dispersing and she rushed back as the halls thickened with the moving mass."I gotta go before I'm late. Escribeme más tarde, okay? Or if you need help or anything!"
"What?" I had to yell over slamming lockers and shuffling feet. I wasn't sure if she realized she slipped back into Spanish or not, but I don't think she could hear me anyway. I still caught the concern in her voice, and just mustered my best normal-person smile. "Uh, okay, thanks!"
When I found the Health classroom just as the bell rang, I first noticed that it was a full class in a smaller space than needed. Then I started to recognize how many of the same people there were from the years I had classes with them before. Which made sense since this was a required course by junior year, and P.E. was required by senior year. And then they started to notice me. I wavered awkwardly by what my schedule said was a Ms. Corcoran's desk as she was moving some things around with her back to me. It was only a few casual glances really, but I still had to try not to let the stares bother me. I looked out of place and I knew that. I just hate being so aware of how weird it is showing up out of the blue after six weeks.
"Hi, what can I do for you?"
"Um, hi–" I look up at her when she finally turns to me. "I'm Y/n, I start this class today."
"Right. L/n, was it?" Realization flashed through her eyes and she began searching through stacks of papers and folders again. "I've got some things prepared here for you, some make-up work that should be pretty simple. We can go over it towards the end of class." I take the papers she hands me with an 'okay' and place them in my folder.
"I'm new here, too," she whispers with a smile. "But this is an easy class so you shouldn't worry too much." Before I could realize exactly what she meant by 'new' she was already getting up in front of the class. "Before we get started today, we have a new student named Y/n here."
Ohhh my– what is she doing? Read the room! No one cares, nobody cares!
"She's new to Roosevelt so if you see her struggling don't be afraid to help her out."
Oh God kill me now.
I guess in that moment I could've clarified that this was my third year at this school and that's why most of the kids were staring strangely at her announcement. But once she pointed me to my assigned seat, because apparently some teachers still did that, I gladly left the spotlight to become faceless in the crowd as quickly as possible.
It was some time later into class that I still felt how hard my chest was pounding. Although there was only an educational video of drunk partygoers playing and we had to fill in the worksheet along with it, my heart didn't seem to comprehend the ordinariness behind it.
A buzz turns on in my brain and it's like my chest becomes hollow. Once I noticed my heart beating so heavily it was like the rest of my body couldn't help replicating the sensation. Tingles beneath my skin, a chill on my neck. I knew I was in a safe enough environment, but it wasn't enough to stop the symptoms. The anxiety can't tell the difference, so it didn't matter.
Remember to stay present in the moment... breathe, relax.
I inhale slowly, and try to remember what Donnie and Leo tell me. I force my teeth to stop clenching first, then try to loosen my shoulders.
Inhale... exhale...
It took minutes, from what I can tell, to finally bring my nerves back down. I just knew the chaos and paranoia weren't screaming so loudly inside my head anymore at the least.
Thankfully the rest of the class went by uneventfully. The teacher talked about blood alcohol concentration levels for a while and then handed out a study guide. After that she gave the rest of the class time to work while she went over what she already taught, as well as some pretty reasonable late work due dates with me.
Then, just like that, the first class of four was done for the day. I had successfully managed my nerves down to a simmer, actually kind of impressed what I tried worked. I just wish the rest of the day could've gone as smoothly as that.
The next two classes were just as awkward in the beginning, but still uneventful. Some people stared when I showed up, I talked with my teachers about catching up and meeting after school when needed, cleared up the confusion about my attendance with the practiced lie, and moved on to the next thing.
It was lunch that took a complicated turn. I had eaten Mikey's chicken pasta dish and everything else he packed for me so fast that I finished my entire lunch in less than ten minutes. Which left me just sitting there at the table with fifteen minutes of lunchtime left. It barely took two of those minutes after some pointless scrolling on social media for my mind to start wandering.
I realized maybe it would be smarter to keep my eyes peeled on my surroundings instead, but that's also so exhausting and anxiety-inducing. But then I remembered the very real possibility that Karai could be in this cafeteria right now. That whole gothic vibe would help her blend right in. She could sneak in easily with her abilities.
She could be somewhere across the lunch room watching you at this very moment–
"Ugh!" I shove my face into my hands, in an attempt to reset my brain. It's jumping to escalated scenarios at the speed of light and I know I'll never make it through today sanely if it keeps that up.
I had to fight to keep my mind positive. I can't let the heat turn up or else I'll risk making a scene. Like Donnie said, mindfulness. As impossible as the method seems, controlling my thoughts is the only solution I have. The first three classes went fine, the lunch Mikey made was amazing, it's been a completely normal day... These are good things. There's no reason to get paranoid now.
Then why does it feel like a bad thing? A false sense of security was my downfall before...
I shake that thought away and rip my eyes open, looking all around the cafeteria to distract myself with anything that would actually work. But once I shifted my attention I remembered how loud it always was with a hundred kids eating and talking over each other at once. While it was a distraction, it just became overwhelming. The volume gradually got louder and louder with each thresh of students that came and I just wanted all the chatter to go quiet.
My fingers sunk into my hair, covering my ears as I looked back down at the table. Why does anxiety have to make me so freaking sensitive to everything?
"Excuse me?"
I intake another deep breath, hoping to reset the unease all over my body.
"Hey, are you okay?"
The second time that voice breaks through I realize it's directed towards me. I open my eyes, loosening my hands and looking over to my right. I guess it was the girl closest to me who spoke, and now she and her friends were watching me try to prevent a stage five meltdown.
"Yeah." I breathe with a simple nod. I pull my hands down and hope that's enough to get their attention off of me.
I need to move. Go somewhere or find something to do, like I would down in the lair whenever I had pent up nervous energy. I pack up the containers in my lunch bag and just start walking after grabbing all my stuff.
The roar of the cafeteria faded behind me, and I stopped in the nearest empty hallway. The quiet was much more comforting, and my body finally had room to breathe easy. I leaned against the corner of a wall and took a second to let the peace of the hallway bring some relief. My hands start wringing themselves, which brings my body back to itself.
After a couple minutes here, I actually begin to feel calm. It was a lot easier to without the roar of those rowdy teenagers swallowing me. I wish I could just stay in this relaxing hallway for the rest of the day, but it would probably fill with students getting out of class sometime soon.
Plus, I notice a teacher coming from the opposite way, and when she notices me I can just tell she's the kind to never let a student standing around in the hall slip by.
"You have somewhere you're supposed to be?"
"I'm... going to the library."
She didn't stop walking as she passed by. "Alright, let's get where we're going."
Thanks, prick, I really needed the boost. My eyes rolled so hard. But I realized it wasn't actually a bad idea, so I went into the library for a quiet rest of my lunchtime.
The cushioned chairs were always so comfortable, and when I sank into one, I suddenly felt my entire body trying to pull towards the floor. I don't know why but I felt exhausted in every sense of the word. And that training session from yesterday was really starting to kick in.
Luckily, once I'm settled into a quiet corner I get the idea to pull out my phone and FaceTime Leo. "Hey."
"Hi." His voice comes through but his video was still off. "Are you at lunch?"
"Yeah, I was. I'm in the library now, no one's around."
"Is that Y/n?! Did she try my penne chicken Parmesan?!" I hear Mikey's voice, sounding like it's farther in the background.
"I'm four feet away from you, you don't have to yell." I hear the recoil in Leo's voice at the volume, which makes me grin.
"Come on, it's practically empty and I'm in a corner. Let me see you."
"Alright, hold on," he says, sounding a little sheepish.
I lean on the table, my cheek leaning into my palm while he turns his camera back on. "There you are."
"Here I am." He repeats with the hugest smile. "Missing us that much, huh?"
"Would you believe it if I told you it's actually weird seeing so many human faces at once now?"
"We've all been there, so, I would." He nods, making me chuckle. "What's up, why are you in the library?"
"I finished eating and it's quieter in here."
A pair of green legs roll across the screen behind Leo, and they jump off the skateboard onto the couch so Mikey's face is in the frame next to his. "What's up, ma dude?! How was my pasta?"
"I practically inhaled it. It was really good."
"Dooooope. Thanks, G!" Mikey sends me finger guns before jumping back up and skating off.
"Mikey, please don't say that." Leo sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. Mikey's really got him in his Mama Leo mode.
"Where did he learn that?" I laugh.
"I don't know, I think he's rediscovered social media or something." Leo shakes his head at him skating around the living room before looking back to the phone. "Is everything going okay?"
"Yeah."
"What's wrong?"
"What do you mean..." I question, noticing his eyes moving all over the screen.
"Your face is more honest than you."
Wow. Even through FaceTime he's still intuitive as hell. "Everything's going fine, really. It's just tricky coming back at such a weird time in the year. It all feels... different. Like, weirdly unfamiliar."
"I get it. I'm sure it'll all feel normal again when the week's over." He offers in comfort.
"Yeah, it probably will."
"Do you have a lot of make-up work?"
"Not too much so far. Mostly just from Algebra for today but I have more classes tomorrow."
"We could always help if it ends up being a lot."
"No, you guys have lives. Trust me you don't want to jump back into the boring worlds of algebra and history."
"Hey, you don't know that. I could love algebra and equations and... formulas..."
I feel the beginning of a grin as he trails off. "Did you run out of math stuff to say?"
"Nope, I had a long list but didn't wanna bore you." I laugh at his shrug and bad attempt at playing it off seriously. I felt my spirits finally lifting. His smile shone through as he looked into the screen with those big puppy eyes, laying himself back on the couch comfortably. "So, how long do we have to talk?"
The combination of his words, that adorable look on his face, and the softness in his smooth voice spread a warm feeling through my chest. He really is gonna be the death of me.
I checked the time in the top left corner and saw I had ten minutes until my next class, but the intercom came on before I could answer.
"Y/n L/n to the guidance counselor's office, please. Y/n L/n to the counselor's office."
"What is that about?"
I let out a long sigh. "I don't know. Probably getting everything straightened out still."
"I'll let you get to it." I heard the slightest slip of disappointment in his cadence. I shared the same feeling as we shortened the conversation. "See you soon?"
"Yeah, I'll see you soon."
—
The counselors' office wasn't far around the corner from the library, so it wasn't long before I stood in my guidance counselor's, Ms. Vaughn's open doorway as she was eating a sandwich and typing on her computer at the same time. I wavered there for a moment while debating if I should wait for her to finish whatever she's typing or knock or say something–
"Y/n, hi!" Whoops, nevermind. "Come on in." She exclaims and grabs a napkin to dab herself. I move forward and take a seat across her desk from her. "Sorry to take you from your lunch time but I didn't want you to have to leave class."
"That's okay." My head shakes as I watch her nudge the sandwich off to the side and clicking some things with her mouse. Her eyes kept switching between the two giant desktops set up around her. It makes me think back to the several emails she sent me that I missed over the weeks about my long absence.
Once she's gotten things together, she turns her body to me and places her conjoined hands on her desk, establishing a lot of eye contact. "How are you doing?"
"I'm good." I answer, not really giving it much thought.
"Have you been adjusting okay? Having any physical problems with the injuries?"
Oh, she was actually wondering when she asked. "Oh– yeah. I am... all good."
"Good, good. Well I know your next class is soon, so I'll get right to it." She leaned off the polished wood to look towards the computers again. "Now, when we emailed you said the car accident happened at the end of June and your recovery was almost three months?"
Crap, of course that's what this is about. Be cool, be cool. Don't look like you're lying! "Yes."
"I'm so sorry, that must have been a long summer." There was sympathy in her voice while she pulled up some tabs, from what I could see. "I see here in the hospital files you finished physical therapy and are still in cognitive behavioral therapy with a Dr. Hamato. Is that still happening?"
"... Yup."
She nods before typing something down and I start to think maybe I should've read those fake files a little more closely.
"Now I know we've barely had to meet before; you don't get in trouble and you get good grades, but between the absence, the accident, and... your file, I thought it would be a good idea for us to meet about handling your coursework and adjustments going forward."
Translation: I was in an accident and in foster care. She's deeply concerned for my mental wellbeing.
Heh, me too, babe.
"I want to go ahead and make sure you have everything you need before jumping back in. Let you know about certain resources, so your grades can still be good enough on your official transcript and it won't negatively affect any college applications."
"Sounds great."
"First off, I've changed your elective in third period on B days to Study Hall since you won't need the credit to graduate. That way you'll have some extra time to work on catching up. We also have a new tutoring service and student support line I'm emailing you information about. Have you gotten to talk with any of your teachers about how to move forward with catching up on your courses?"
"Yes, in my classes today we talked about some private sessions."
"Great. And on the medical report it lists you're in foster placement now at an adoptive home?"
Wow, I totally forgot she would want to ask about that, too. "That's right... It's still in the trial run. It happened at the start of summer."
"Well I think that's very exciting." She grins and I smile back with a distracted nod, recalling how it was just a cover after those idiot Purple Dragons trashed my apartment and I moved down to the lair. It was the best cover I could think of at the time once FCS found out I got evicted, but I've hated involving them in all my mess ever since. "And Dr. Kirby O'Neil is the father of the April O'Neil that goes here?"
"Right. We were friends before then so."
"That's great." She turns back to me when she finishes typing whatever of this conversation she was recording. "I'm assuming she and her father have been good moral support getting you through your therapies and coming back to school?"
"Definitely. They've been great."
"Well I'm glad you've got her here to help you. That's all I need to know about that other than getting his contact information as well. But I can get that from the files from your foster branch after I update their information with you." I nod, hoping to get through this last part quickly. I don't need anymore surprises. "Is Angela DuPre still your supervisor?"
"Yes."
The sound of clicking keys starts up again as she continues typing quickly on her keyboard. I wait as her eyes scroll continuously across the screen, but my eyes are drawn to stare at her hands moving quickly across the keys. She has a manicure that looks pretty fresh. Long fingernails, painted black. The kind that always nearly cuts you in contact. She even wore the same shade of red lipstick as...
A shiver runs down my body.
Don't finish the thought.
Suddenly I'm sitting up in the chair straighter, keeping myself from leaning against the back. My hands pull away from the arms and I shove them into my lap. I felt the abrupt urge to reach for that clicker device sitting in my pocket instead.
"We also need to be sure this situation isn't repeated with lack of communication for any further absences so we'll go over how to proceed there."
That's how the next ten minutes went, with her going over further truancy policies and me assuring her I'd be meeting with my supervisor about all this soon, and how to get any accommodations I might need for lingering ailments, in which I had to restrain myself from assuring her all my damage was mental with a less than tasteful grin and finger gun.
Once that was finally finished, Ms. Vaughn wrote me a late slip to my last class. I was only a few minutes late but the teacher was already up in front of the class and white board when I walked in.
She stopped when the closing of the door sounded, and looked over at me for a moment. "Are you Y/n?"
"Yeah." I stood by the door while some people watched me and others were passing stacks of papers back. Her lesson plan was up on the board behind her, and I could tell she was just getting into it.
"Awesome!" She beamed and moved from the board back to behind her desk on the side of the room. "I saw your name on my roster but wasn't sure if you were coming today." She leaned down over her desk and grabbed the computer mouse. "You all just read over the rubric for now." She directed the students before waving me over. "Nice to have you joining us. Did you just transfer?"
"Thanks. Um, no it's not a transfer."
"The slip the front office gave me doesn't say much." She continued while clicking over and over again. "My computer system's been down for days so I didn't get all the information. Just about all I can do is take attendance."
"I'm just coming into the year late." I answer. But then she looks from her screen up to me, nodding as if she was expecting more. My back tensed. Suddenly I felt convinced that she would see right through the lie. "I've just been... ya know, recovering from a car wreck..."
Way to say it in the most awkward sounding way possible.
I was immediately aware of how quiet it was behind me. The teacher wasn't paying attention and none of the others took the opportunity to keep talking. That's weird. They could be reading like she told them to, sure. My back was turned so I couldn't tell but I could just feel their ears on the conversation... And it feels like any one of them could tell I'm lying through my teeth.
"Oh– I'm so sorry to hear that. That's awful..."
"It's okay. I just got re-enrolled." I wave off quickly.
"I'll mark you as here. Luckily, we just moved on from the summer reading project so to make things easier on the both of us you can just jump right in where we're starting now." I pull a smile when she hands me presumably the same sheet of paper everyone else has. "You can sit wherever."
"Okay, thanks." I turn and head for an empty seat in the back. My heart was pounding, again. And I was already so tired of regulating it back to normal. I wouldn't look but I hoped no one's eyes were on me as I sat at a desk in the last row.
The thrumming of my heart was paired with my leg bouncing all class. Even though I wanted to stop it, it made me feel better. Because apparently nervous energy cannot be contained or destroyed, only transferred into sweaty palms and a constantly paranoid mindset that will never shut up.
But the lesson plan she was teaching seemed easy enough, and offered some distraction from my bodily idiosyncrasies. It was finally the end of the school day. I got my first worksheet turned in before the end of class and started packing up my stuff like everyone else, so it still went well despite my panicky feelings. Although, with the relief I also felt just how rundown I was.
I was still in one piece and should've been celebrating the tiny win, but I couldn't stop questioning why I feel so tired when nothing much happened today, until I realized how much energy I spent on keeping myself from spiraling out. And I have to do it all over again tomorrow.
Making it through the crowded halls at the end of the day was actually worse than walking on New York's sidewalks. And more raucous than the cafeteria was. The closest exit I'm headed towards is right across the hall from the doors to the bus lot, so way too many people were trying to get there and clogging up the walkways. I stood in the traffic, peering between heads to see why my lane wasn't moving. I saw kids farther up just standing there letting everyone else pass by instead of moving when they got the chance, and my irritation and discomfort came right back.
Oh my god mooooove!
I groaned inwardly and felt a sharp pang hit the side of my head. I could feel the person behind me breathing down my neck impatiently. And the next fifteen people doing the same behind them. I try to sidestep some people going in the opposite direction on the other side of the hall but brush into someone else.
Why was it so freaking loud? I swear it wasn't this loud last year at the end of the day. I didn't think it could get worse than the lunch room. Too much of the day's build up and all the rushing and yelling and pushing was too much. The mass of the entire school trying to compact and push through at once was starting to hit me.
At some point without me realizing it, my body shifted into a deadened state, nerves dulled from my senses. It was like they just shut down in protest into a blur filled void, choosing to disassociate from all the unpleasantness. And it was better that way, but I still had to get out of this damn hall. Just get to the courtyard where you said you would meet them and this day will be over.
Once the line shuffled forward enough to the doors I shoved through to finally breathe in some uncrowded air. A weird twinge inside my chest stopped me in the middle of the pavement. I don't know how long I wavered there, trying to get my vision clear. My hands found a table to lean on, and slowly, I lowered myself down to sit.
I had no idea I was zoned out until a muffled noise began to break through. "Y/n? Y/n!"
My head shoots up, and I see Casey and April in front of me. "What?"
April was sat at the round table near me. "We said your name like ten times, what's wrong?"
I breathed deeply, rubbing around my collar bone as if it could ease the sudden pressure compressing my chest. "I'm fine..."
Over on the sidewalk, someone yelled across the yard for their friend, and I notice April's head tilt when I flinch, as if it was right in my ear.
"... Wanna tell us how it went today?"
"It was fine." I utter again, though I could tell my breathing was a little too labored for it to be even a little bit believable.
Come on, you made it to the end of day, don't freak out. I lean my elbows on the table, feeling my whole form hunch in on itself. My gaze landed on the ground, knowing it would be sensory overload to look anywhere else.
"C'mon! We wanna know how it was." April spoke again, using her overly chipper voice that was apparently reserved just for me now.
Just focus on breathing. I'm not having a panic attack. I'm not having an anxiety attack. It's just a little stuffy out here. This isn't panic I'm feeling, I would know. Right?
My lungs nearly pop when I inhale sharply. Another pang hammers at my head. "Why is it so crowded out here?"
I hear Casey's voice next. "We're like, the only ones over here..."
It's April's hand that rests on my arm, and I finally pull myself together enough to look at her directly. "Tell us how it went."
I close my eyes and rub my temples. "What?"
"Did you get the really old math teacher? I've heard she's nice but assigns a ton of homework."
"She does. I had her last year. That woman loves her job way too much." Casey answers.
I think back to my second period today, but I hadn't bothered with remembering the teacher's name. "No. It was someone else."
"We heard you get called to the counselors' office. Which one do you have?"
I couldn't recall a name, but the image of her typing on her two monitor desk flashed in my mind. Dark green shirt, red lipstick, brown hair, black nails, her name plate on her desk with animated flowers all over it. "Uh... Vaughn. She just wanted to know how I was and how to help with my grades."
I take another deep breath and look at them both now, some details of the day becoming a little clearer. I notice my fingers shaking and wonder how long they've been doing that.
"Yeah? What else?"
Finally, my body realizes how much air is out here. I clench my fingers together to steady them, and the air flow is lighter when I breathe in this time.
"She's overseeing my transition." I take a couple more breaths, unsure why it had become such a chore in a single moment. "She traded one of my classes for Study Hall. For extra homework time." Neither of them responded, and I just sat there for a moment. The hood of trepidation around me started to crawl back, and it was like the fog finally cleared from my brain. My shoulders fell and my fingers relaxed. I look to both of them again, and that's when I realize what April was doing. Even though the questions annoyed me, it actually worked.
April just smiled at me once I calmed down. Casey stared at me from behind her. "Whoa... how'd you do that?"
"My dad isn't always the calmest person when he's shaken up. I've had to get good at distraction techniques." She grins up at him before meeting me with a sympathetic gaze instead. "He gets a little claustrophobic, too."
It's like I'm frozen for a moment while I process her comment. "What?"
"We have like, a hundred more students this year since the magnet program opened up." She waves her hand and shakes her head. "They took more students from other districts so it's always packed in the hallways now. Some kids are still transferring over."
I hadn't thought about the lack of proximity being the problem. The environment was so chaotic it felt like that was the problem. But now that I think about it, those internal feelings of tightness felt familiar to the only other time I can remember being in a really tight space. And honestly... I had forgotten about anything claustrophobia related since I pushed those nightmares of that horrible machine out of my head for good. Maybe April was right.
"The stairs in the science wing are the least congested at the end of the day. Just an FYI." She tipped me off before grabbing her stuff and getting up. "Ready to go see the guys?"
• • •
Vas deferens, urethra, Fallopian tubes, endometrium...
The first two make-up worksheets from health were pretty straightforward. I still had others to finish though, about nutrition, the dangers of smoking, and all the forms of drugs. All stuff that I can finish easily by using Google, but that I'll probably have to actually learn for the midterm in a couple months. The class didn't seem too hard like the teacher said, but if I have this short stack of late work to finish just from the few units I missed, I can't imagine how much work I'll have from science, history and Spanish tomorrow. I haven't even looked at the make-up work I got from math class today, and I really don't want to.
I hadn't been keeping track of time as I laid across my bed, trying to see how far I could get ahead on all this. I don't think I've even glanced up from this pile of work since I came in here, until I hear a knock on my open door.
"Hey." Leo voices softly from the doorway, his concerned eyes and squared shoulders telling me this was one of his check ins. It was right on schedule since it's been maybe a couple hours since I was last out of this room. "You were quiet at dinner and you've been in here since."
I pull myself up, feeling my rigid bones protesting. "I've just been thinking... looking over all this work."
"I thought you might need saving." A smile graces his face as he holds up two bowlfuls of ice cream. "I come bearing sugar."
My own smile appears as he walks over, until I remember what happened last time someone brought me ice cream. "Please tell me this isn't more bad news."
"No! No. I just, I thought you might like some." He sits down, across from me at the edge against the footboard after I shove some papers to the other side.
"Thank you." I smile again when he hands me the ice cream filled all the way to the top of the bowl. Just how I like it. Once he's criss crossed comfortably on the bed, I notice he has his own single scoop. Which was a weird sight to see since he almost never felt the need to indulge in anything sweet. "I thought you didn't like eating ice cream."
"This flavor's growing on me." He shoves a spoonful into his mouth, but I seriously can't tell if he's eating ice cream right after sparring because he really does like it, or if it was an excuse to come ask me how I'm doing again. "What have you been thinking about?"
"How I'm getting more make-up work from the rest of my classes tomorrow. And what the teachers will be like." I rest against the headboard and scoop a spoonful into my mouth. "Other than that I think I stared at the ceiling for like an hour..."
His hand paused after digging the spoon into his dessert again. His eyes tentatively lifted to me with the weight of whatever he's been holding off on saying to me. "If you're not okay... you can tell me. Really."
"I am. I promise." I look him in the eyes, hoping to quell his unease. "I'm just adjusting still, ya know? Honestly... I thought today might've gone a lot worse. But it didn't, so... I'm okay," I promised him.
Time stretched as he watched me with an investigative expression, until he finally softened and it seemed he believed me. His ice cream sat otherwise untouched in his lap while he looked down at it now. "I know today was hard... If I'm being honest, I wanted to hide how nervous I was for you because I didn't want to make it worse."
"You were?"
"Of course I was. Not so much because of the risk but because I could protect you down here. From the panic attacks and nightmares and..." I see his chest deflate, cutting himself off. His stare turned deeply dismal, and I was left hanging on to his every word. "But then I got to watch you be so brave and strong after you got knocked down... and you did it." Hope flickered into his voice and irises as he focused on me again. "I really hope you realize how great you're doing."
It was difficult to find any words at first. The way he looked at me, sitting right across from me yet still so far while the overhanging fluorescent lights enveloped the two of us in this space rendered me unable to break the quiet intimacy of this moment with whatever clumsy string of discouraged words I'd probably utter. But as I looked back him I could see his last comment wasn't just a statement, but a genuine question.
Interesting. He wants me to think about what I'm doing right rather than the opposite...
What an idea.
After the scare on the rooftop I didn't have enough faith in myself to chance anything like this again. Especially when it could get me hurt again. But he could always frame the situation in a better light than I thought possible.
"I... I never thought about it like that."
"Like what?"
"As, brave..." I shook my head as I thought on it, and the word didn't seem to fit. "I only thought of it as a risk. A stupid and potentially backfiring risk."
Leo sets his bowl at his side while his focus remains on me. It seemed like he couldn't stop looking at me with that guise of intense adoration, which made it feel like he was warmly hugging me even when he wasn't. "I get why it was a hard choice. But you have to admit, it was pretty courageous."
A twinkle of gratification crosses my lips at the admiration in his gaze, yet a part of me wants to laugh. "I've never had optimism like that... although sometimes I wish I did. Even if it's wrong, it wouldn't feel like I'm making the same stupid mistakes over and over again."
"... Y/n." An air of solemnity takes hold of the room when he scoots closer to lessen the space between us. I saw him beginning to slip back into despair. "Three months ago we weren't even sure we could keep you alive... I thought you might've actually..."
"No, don't," I lean forward to cup his face in my hand and redirect it towards me. For all the fear I've been facing for weeks I couldn't handle seeing so much of it in his eyes. "Don't think about that."
His lips sink downward with deep reflection in his eyes. "My point is you're getting back to your life now. I was terrified before... but now I'm not." His bigger hand slips over mine resting around his cheek. He leans into my palm while giving me those puppy eyes again. "It probably doesn't feel like it but, you're taking charge of your life. I'm glad I get to see you persevere rather than the alternative. I just want you to be glad, too, even if you have to ignore everything else. I still get to... sit here with you on your bed and talk to you. It makes me happy you get the chance to rise above this."
"Oh... Wow."
"... I know." He chuckles lightly and shakes head when the silence stretches. "It probably sounds like I'm just saying it 'cause it's me, right?"
"No." I shake my head quickly before looking back to him. "I... I know you're right. It wasn't perfect, but I made it through today. And I don't know why but it really didn't feel like I would. But I did okay, so... thank you for saying that."
"Well I'm always thinking it, so." He shrugs casually, grinning wider as his cobalts stay fixated on me. "Always." I feel my face warming up as a smile radiates over my features. I have to avert my gaze back to the cold bowl in my lap. My insides twist when I hear him laugh. Even more so when he gently scratches under my chin with his caring fingers. "That and what you said this morning about kissing me all day."
"Ugh, you're the worst," I groan, pulling away.
"I'm kidding! It was more like, just a few hours after you left."
"I didn't even mean it like that!"
"Y/n, you don't have to be afraid to be honest with me."
My face dropped into my hands in further embarrassment. "Please shut up." I muffled out. Someday I'm really gonna have to turn the tables on him.
"Awww, come here," he chuckles more and pulls my hands away, grabbing my face so he can meet my awaiting lips. When they meet, it feels like fireworks must be going off around us because every particle of energy in my body is reignited. His hands holding me securely get my pulse racing, and the feel of his upper arms underneath my fingertips comfort me when I reach up to touch him. He's just as firm with me as he was this morning, so open with his feelings through this blissful connection.
When the kiss ends, Leo leaves one more quick peck on my softened mouth before resting his forehead against mine, and looking down at me intently.
"Okay..." I admit softly, proven wrong. "Maybe I did mean it that way."