•Tahani Lowars•
"Hani"
I emptied out everything I ate into the toilet for the hundredth time. Thanking God that Taj wasn't here. He's been so worried about my lately, it's like one minute I'm fine and the next I feel horrible.
Then with him throwing that whole baby topic in my face I've been hiding me feeling sick from him. I told him I wanted some ice cream just so I can throw up when he left without him here.
Believe it or not I'm sensitive to the whole having a baby topic. I grew up raised by religious parents who made me walk on egg shells and never live. Then the second I did finally live a little my life went to shit and a lot of bad things happened to me. Through that entire process the people who claimed to love me and had raised me just up and disappeared. Naomi and Issac became the only parents I believed I could trust and rely on. Over time I only believe I can rely on them. Naomi to be exact broke that trust when she let me go on thinking Taj was dead. Basically my examples of parents aren't the best. I still have so much growing to do. I don't even know for sure what I want to do in my life. I'm still so young. Me and Taj have been through so much and a baby would only further complicate that. As fucked up as it is to say I hope and pray I'm not pregnant. I'm not in the right head space to be a mother and I'd hate for a child to grow up with messed up parents like I did.
Not to mention I thought that Taj knew that Jesse was pregnant with his child. Or possibly has his child now. But judging by what he said during our conversation about me being the "first" woman to carry his baby now I see he doesn't know. And something real selfish and bitter inside of me kept that from him. Maybe I just wanted to bask in the fantasy of being his first and only mother of his children.
Even if I'm not really ready to be one.
I hear the front door open and I quickly stand up closing the bathroom door I lock it. I run the water and start to brush my teeth. Minutes later I hear slight knocking on the bathroom door. "Baby? Baby?" He calls out.
"Did you get it?" I ask curiously.
"Uh yeah," his voice comes in muffled. "But ice cream and pickles on the side. Com'on that shit a nasty ass mix."
"I'm not gone eat em together," I lie. "I just gotta taste for it."
Suddenly he's opening up the door. When I meet his grey eyes I can tell he has a lot on his mind. He looks away. "Hani don't be mad at me, okay?"
My mind starts racing thinking of what he could've done. "What you mean? What you do?" I question placing my hands on my hips.
He doesn't answer and I watch a nervous expression fill his face. I reach for him gently gripping his face I force him to look at me. "Taj what the fuck did you do?" I repeat myself. Already being mad before he's even gotten a chance to tell me.
"It's just," he pauses. "You've been so sick lately and you be trynna hide it but I know you baby. So I got worried and told...."
"Told what?" I raise an eyebrow.
"I told Issac and Naomi to come over."
"You did what?" I snap moving away from him. "Ain't shit even wrong with me it's just a stomach flu. Fuck is you calling them for?"
"Because we don't know that for sure! And I'm trying to help to the best of my ability but ion know what to do! You won't take my test and I don't know what's wrong with you!" He raises his voice at me and I can hear the worry in it. Taj's face softens and when he speaks he's calmer. "I'm just scared. Alright?"
I run a hand down my face still mad. "So you called the last person on Earth I wanted to speak to...?"
"I'm just saying I know that if you are... you know then she's the only person who will say the right thing. She's like your mom Tahani." He reminds me.
"So what she's on her way?" I question ignoring everything he just said.
He scratches the side of his neck nervously. "She's....in the living room. Her and Issac."
I let out a huff brushing aside him roughly I head towards the living room. Slightly nervous since I haven't saw her in some time and also still mad at Taj and at her for everything. He grabs me before I can leave the bedroom wrapping his arms around me he buries his head in the crook of my neck. "I'm sorry T." He mutters against it.
I don't hug him back and he frowns pulling away but his arms are still around me. "Don't be like that."
"Let's just get this over with." I mumbles moving past him I go into the living room.
When I come face to face to her emotions come rushing back in. And I can see in her face that they do too. I haven't seen my aunt in what feels like so long. At some point I'd be over her house everyday, I'd spend the night there, and even rush over there to gossip to her and tell her everything like we were best friends. It does hurt being away from her. Looking back when I was going through a lot she was the only one there. It just hurts that she'd really let me be broken for months knowing that he was never gone. That she knew how much I loved him and was willing to let me think I'd have to go through life without him. Every friend and family I've had have always disappointed me, broke my trust, lied to me, betrayed me. I thought my aunt was different but now I'm not sure.
"Tahani." She calls out standing up. She walks towards me engulfing me in a hug. I freeze not knowing what to do. Her motherly embrace almost bringing tears to my eyes. "I missed you."
I don't say anything letting her pull away she eyes me contently. "Taj said you haven't been feeling good."
I nod. "He thinks I'm pregnant I keep telling him I'm not."
"Have you took a test?" Her words cause me to frown.
"No auntie I haven't taken a text." I reply.
"Tahani you should-"
"I know my body auntie, Ight? And I know I'm not pregnant so if y'all came here to pressure me into it y'all can go." I say being standoffish.
Issac sighs. "We just care about you. Okay? And if you are pregnant it's better you know now so you can weigh your options."
"Options? It ain't no options if she's pregnant she's keeping it. Simple." Taj speaks for both of us.
I run a hand through my hair growing frustrated. "See this why I didn't want to talk about it." I throw my hands up getting fed up.
Naomi reaches for a store bag that contains stuff and grabs my hand dragging me towards the bathroom. "Quit actin' like that okay? Acting funny with me is cool and what not but Taj doesn't deserve that shit. He cares about you and he loves you. At least take a text to ease both of y'all minds."
I sit on the toilet burying my face in my hands I sigh. "You don't get it auntie," I take a deep breath finally admitting my secret. "When I thought Taj was dead there was only one thing that brought me relief. Yeah it's fucked up but I loved that he wasn't here to know that Jesse was pregnant. Just having to live on this Earth seeing the man I love having to raise another woman's child, another woman being the first woman to carry that child....I-I couldn't handle that auntie. I know I sound bitter and that's okay," I shrug. "I can be that. But if I'm pregnant....that'll mean I'm the second. Our child will have to share him with his other kid. And then when he finds out he'll have to deal with being around Jesse."
"That bitch is on the run, okay? All of them are. We don't know where they are and we don't know if Torin will even want to be around her. She did set him up and work with all them." She gives a good point.
"We both know him. He's a good man, he ain't late how much he hate her stop him from raising his child. His first one at that." I stress.
She nods. "Maybe," Naomi agrees. "But you won't know what to do till you take the text." She reaches into the bag pulling out three pregnancy tests.
I nod too hesitantly taking the tests. I let her step out nervousness filling me and my stomach aching. I open up the boxes pulling my pants down I grab each stick peeing on them. After I wipe I pull my pants back up and wash my hands.
Naomi comes back in rubbing my back she comforts me as I nervously rock back and forth waiting for the time to past. After minutes past she speaks up. "It's time." She said staring at the time on her phone.
My hands shakily each towards the test and I let out a shaky breath.
......and pick up the test.
•Suhdel Camino•
"Sade"
I watch our workers clear the bodies up off of the alley concrete. I stare at my gun that has its silencer on it shooting Creo a glance. I watch as worry fills his face as I wince holding my chest. "You good?" He reaches for me but I move away.
"Hell yeah I'm good. Even betta since them sons of bitches paid for leaving my cousin like they did." I motion to the bodies in the bag. Further known as Tia & Tio.
"I'd be even more betta if you would've took care of him the moment you had a chance! But no you let ya weakness guide you." I take my anger out on him.
He frowns a hurt expression filling his face. "My weakness is you," his words make me go silent. "You. Are. My. Weakness." He cups my face his face softening. "And if it wasn't for him you would've been gone. He drove you to the hospital and saved us."
"Hear me and hear me now," I spit out. "You're my weakness too. But Mulo? That was my family. He was like a brother to me. And I'd rather bleed out in the back of some car with you dying beside me. Us dying together. Than let what happened to him go without me getting my revenge. She's gonna pay. We can spare him. But that girl friend? She's gotta pay."
"You know I was close to him too. But he wasn't no saint. He wasn't no innocent ass nigga. He did his dirt. You don't think this shit is weird? Huh? We've looked deeper into this shit and none of it is adding up. People saying he tried to kill that girl, that he tried to kill Torin. Even as kids he was the type to go to the park and beat up the biggest kid there just for the monkey bars. What if this was all that was? Him taking out somebody to get what he wanted? What if they innocent?"
"Maybe that's all true and maybe they are. But when I was growing up he was the most family I had. He had my back when nobody did-"
"I had your back when nobody did!" He raises his voice slightly the moment growing intense. "So why can't you put your trust in me?"
I look away. "So have my back now. Let's finish this once and for all. Their saying that that Jesse chick is hiding out somewhere and Joey is with her. We kill Tahani and then we go after them. Then we can just go home and forget about all of this. Okay?"
I could tell that out of all the fucked up and crazy choices I made this wouldn't be like the rest. He's usually ten toes behind me not one doubt in his mind. But now this time is different. He's looking at me with doubt and like he doesn't trust me. Like he's got something against my choices. Even as kids if I wanted to run in the middle of the streets and try to beat it to the next end while five cars were speeding in my direction he was right beside me. But with this he's unsure. I guess this would have to be a choice I have to make alone. Regardless I'm gone get revenge for my brother. And if it comes down to it I'm willing to pull that trigger.
Alone.