i hate the beach, but i stand in california with my toes in the sand
pairing: matt jackson x reader
plot: matt says things he doesn't mean, but so do you. he ends up regretting it and calling you.
genre: angst and fluff?
warning: n/a
word count: 5.9k
author's note: i apologize for my lack of knowledge about airport etiquette. also i dropped a song reference in the actual writing (not talking about the lyric title) and i'd like to see if anyone catches it.
a bit of a spoiler: i kinda dump all the reasons why i hate the beach :P
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one thing lead to another and now you're here.
you don't even really remember what sparked the fight in the first place. you could just recall joking with matt like you have several times before, but that day, he just wasn't into your teasing, lighthearted comments and he snapped at you without warning.
you were shocked, to say the least. it wasn't like him to raise his voice the way he did -- at you anyway. sure, he definitely wasn't known to be the most stoic man in the world, he wore his heart on his sleeve and you could always tell what he was feeling, but he wasn't the type to yell at you either. whenever he got mad or annoyed at you, he would usually tell you that he wasn't in the mood and most of the time, you'd would stop there. maybe he'll put his head in his hands and leave the room, maybe gently and politely ask you to be quiet because he really wasn't into it. he'd only get mad like that if you didn't stop with your comments after he warned you, and if your comments were really, really, really bad.
not today though.
taken aback, you quipped some angry - and confused - words at him too and from there it escalated. he said and thrown around hurtful words of his and so did you -- words that neither of you really did mean, words that were only brought on by the heat of the moment, but uttered nonetheless. and it hurt.
he knocked something off the coffee table in his fit of rage, you didn't notice what it was anymore, too engaged in your violent storm of chaos and meaningless fighting. you jumped at the sudden crash, but gathered yourself in no time.
soon enough, you both were stood up yelling in each other's faces. you've never seen matt's face go so red and the veins in his head and neck were starting to protrude and become noticable. the different items around your shared house was now out of place, things you've decided on and bought together. the air was hot and fiery, but not in the way it usually was.
pet peeves and issues that bothered you about each other that were previously unsaid and kept secret poured out of your mouths like waterfalls, wild and uncontrolled. it only fueled the fire consuming the living room.
matt brought up something you were insecure about - something he knew you were insecure about - and you were marching up the stairs. he told you it didn't bother him, that he thought it was a cute little quirk of yours. and now he's throwing it in your face.
was your anxious thought of him lying to you and actually hating some things about you true? what else did he lie about although for your own good and to spare your feelings, but still lied about. things he said he liked, but didn't actually? at this point, you didn't even want to know anymore.
his thundering footsteps alerted you that he was right behind you, but now you wish that he could just let it go. leave you alone and cool down.
you yearned for peace and quiet, no more fighting and yelling over the dumbest things that didn't even matter in the slightest and you thought going upstairs would grant you exactly that. if only matt wasn't following you right now. he didn't sound like he was apologetic. you doubt he even processed the things he's said to you, but then again, you weren't able to process the things you've told him either. nevertheless, you were trying to be the bigger person here, the reason why the fight wouldn't be as big a problem that it could be. the only problem was that matt wasn't helping you with that.
he kept on speaking, filling the silence you gave him with his voice. he asked that you face him, talk to him, "say something else [y/n], i dare you." but you were so sick of it.
you forced yourself to bite your tongue and exercise immense patience. god knows what would happen if you kept on fighting back. both of you are passionate people and if this continues, that will be the reason for your relationship's demise.
once you made it to the bedroom, you couldn't help but let out a big sigh of relief. matt was pounding on the bedroom door, it wasn't like he was going to knock it off the hinges though.
he yelled something else and you wished that it got stuck on the door separating you two. another one of your insecurities he assured you of, once upon a time.
tears welled up in the corner of your eyes and you fought back a sob. this day's stress was starting to seep into your system, because you didn't really have a nice day. that was the reason why you wanted to joke around matt in the first place, it always made you feel better.
you made your decision quickly, not really thinking it through. you grabbed your suitcase from the top of your closet and pulled it down, then began to grab random armfuls of your clothes and shove it into the suitcase. you weren't planning for anything. not thinking about how long you were going away, how many articles of clothing you were gonna need, which ones you were gonna need in the first place, if you were even gonna come back. as of right now, you were only sure of one thing: you needed to get out of this house before more damage occurs.
you composed yourself, then grabbed the door knob, pulling it out of your way, and pushing past matt with purpose.
it was his turn to be taken aback. his first instinct was to get you to stay, that night's fight went flying out of his mind. he grabbed onto your wrist, "b-baby, what are you doing? please don't go," he shifted his position so he's now in front of you, blocking your path.
you weren't having any of it and pushed past him again, this time harder than the last. you didn't answer him either and didn't spare him a glance. you knew you were powerless under his rich, brown eyes and you'd be damned if you submit to them this time.
his hand on your wrist transferred to your waist, holding you tightly against him. you made short work of prying them off of you. his hands were slightly sweaty and wet from the intense interaction you were having.
you were glad he couldn't make a move while you were on your descent down the stairs, yet when you reached the bottom of them, he was pleading with you again. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry. please don't go. i'll clean everything up and we can spend the night like nothing ever happened. we can do whatever you want to do, we can cuddle or watch a movie, anything."
you were on your way to the door that led you outside now. so close. he wrapped his arms around you from behind, his head on your shoulder. "please don't go," he whispered with a whimper. you couldn't help the way your chest tightened when the sound left his mouth, but you still miraculously found enough willpower within you to shrug his weight off of you and exit his house.
~
your days without him has been.. different. and not a good different, to say the least.
you were so used to him being there, or at least there being a good morning text waiting for you. everytime you wake up, you'd reach out to the space next to you, expecting to feel his body next to yours but it wasn't there. it never was now and you only had yourself to blame. you would still wake up to texts from him though, only they were of different nature than what you were used to. he's pleading for you to come back, telling you he's been miserable without you and that night was a mistake he regretted the most. he wished it never happened and that he should have had a bit more patience and never snapped at you so the whole thing wouldn't have transpired.
you debated on replying with coulda, shoulda, woulda but decided against it. it's not like you were doing any better.
you've been experiencing nightmares the past few days as well, all recollecting that night's encounter. his words would keep on drilling itself into your brain, sawing through skin and bloodied cardiac muscle even in your unconscious state and you would scream yourself awake. they would make it seem a hundred times worse than how it actually was. from what you could recall anyway. perhaps it actually wasn't that bad, but perhaps it was that bad, but your brain is shielding you from it so you won't get hurt again.
you've been missing him in every sense of the word, and you almost regret leaving. you missed his warmth, the sound of his laugh, the way he would look at you as if he's the luckiest man in the world, the way his body wash smells whenever you would shower together, the way his bottom lip tastes when it's between your teeth. you just missed him. you weren't exactly proud of how many times your finger hovered over the call button next to his name with the intent of apologizing and asking him to take you back.
since you left, you moved back home to your old house.
thank god i didn't sell it when i moved in with him.
the amount of clothes you took with your wasn't even near sufficient, but you still had some clothes in your house that you've been using. they didn't smell pleasant at first since they were stuck in your closet for a very long time. it wasn't something a good toss into the washing machine couldn't fix though. plus, that was better than going back to matt's house. you were sure that once you went there and he talks to you, he would be able to work his magic and get you to stay with him. he has always been able to work his magic on you, even at the start of your relationship. so now you've made it a point to not even give him a slight chance to do so.
much to your relief, you aren't needed during aew shows right now -- you were injured in kayfabe because of a vicious attack. that meant that the chances of you seeing matt was slim -- except if he showed up to your house to say sorry in person. you hoped he wouldn't do that.
household chores were a bore. they never kept your mind off of him for long. sweeping the floor, cleaning the windows, polishing the tiles were all the same. they're all muscle memory at this point. you don't need to exert effort in doing them so the memory of one matt jackson was always able to worm itself into your mind and cause your poor heart to skip a beat unexpectedly. because of this, you've thought of doing something new to occupy your time, like streaming on twitch or learning a new instrument. you haven't decided on which one though.
~
it was one of those days when you just felt emotionally vulnerable and raw. because of that you haven't delved into social media much, knowing the vile toxicity you were sure to encounter there. you weren't in the right headspace to deal with it today or be able to respond to a hate comment you've heard a hundred times before with a witty reply. the spiraling and crying and hugging your knees to your chest was inevitable and you knew it, but you're going to avoid it as long as it was possible.
by the grace of god, the day was slow and nice - you've done most of the things on your to-do list yesterday, god bless - so you didn't have to spend too much energy on different things that would not help your case right now. any minor inconvenience felt like it could break you quite easily. a lot of the time, they did.
you were done with the chores now, just having put away the clothes you've just washed and folded neatly. you did that with some music lowly playing in the background to keep you nice and calm.
you decided to grab some ice cream from your freezer. you always kept a tub of your favorite flavor for days like this because you learned that it helps. the moment your taste buds touched it, nerve signals would go straight to your brain and cause you to be happy, or at least less sad than you were before. the latter was still something to be glad about.
after you got that and a spoon, you went upstairs as fast as you could before plopping down on the bed. you grabbed the remote control and turned the tv on, then started to sift through the different movies and series that greeted you. you settled on your comfort movie. it was what you needed to survive today intact.
you knew each line of the film like the back of your hand, yet you still couldn't help but feel the emotions that the character does during certain scenes. you relished in the taste of your ice cream, the play on the screen now moving onto the climax you loved so much, when all of a sudden, your phone started to ring.
you hated yourself for the small part of you hoping it was matt. even if you were the one who left him, you still wanted his attention and affection. as much as you wanted to deny it, it was because you were still in love with him, perhaps you would never stop loving him. he stopped calling and texting the past few days though, which disappointed you. you understood why, and it would be unfair to matt if you always had him wrapped around your finger. it was selfish and sad on your part, but you yearned for it nonetheless.
after shaking off the surprise - no one had any business calling you right now - you grabbed your phone sitting on the nightstand and stared at the screen to see who it was -- just as you had hoped for, it was none other than your ex, matt jackson.
you wanted to either decline it or ignore it. you really did, but you just couldn't stop yourself from sliding your thumb across the green button and putting the phone to your ear, accepting the call.
there was only silence from the other side, some shuffling and ruffling. maybe he accidentally butt dialed you or didn't expect you to pick up. you didn't pick up the last twenty plus times he called, why is this one any different? nevertheless, he was thankful and relieved.
you heard a quick clearing of the throat and then the voice you haven't heard in such a long time. it didn't sound the way you remember it, too rough and small, as if he was holding something back. "i-i need you, please,"
as if on instinct, you got the remote control from beside you and switched off the tv. "where are you?" you asked, sitting up on the bed and starting to go through your closet, one hand sorting around the different clothing pieces, and the other holding the phone to your ear. you realized just how bad the damage the breakup had on you. none of your favorite articles of were there and you only realized it at this very moment. you were like on autopilot the last few weeks, never really aware of the things happening around you, simply floating about, existing. it was that or you didn't go outside at all.
you were brought back to reality by matt's voice ringing on the other side again. similarly to earlier, he didn't sound like he was doing too good and you wanted nothing more than to be with him and bring comfort even after everything that had happened and everything you told yourself; do not fall back into his trap.
you were helpless under the comforting chime of his voice. you always were.
"our house," he sounded like he was choking. "here in hesperia."
you tossed the chosen t shirt and jeans on the bed as you asked him, "are you okay? do i need to call an ambulance? you don't sound too good, mattie." the ring of the oh-so familiar nickname you called him make his chest tighten a bit too much than what's considered healthy, especially for a man who has already broken up with the person he was currently talking to. but it didn't change the fact he relished in it. he didn't know if he was gonna be able to hear it from you again. he doesn't know if you were actually planning to come back, or if you were just playing with his feelings, or if you were just gonna come back to the house for a day, then leave again. the first one or the latter one was what he hoped for. even if you didn't stay, he'd consider himself to be a lucky man to be able to hold you one last time. sure, that'd mean that he'd get worse, he'd have to start the process of missing and yearning for you all over again, but he can't get himself to care anymore. the night you left was a disaster, and if you two were to permanently break up, then he'd at least want a good last memory to take with him.
"no, i don't need an ambulance, bab-" he cut himself off, worried that maybe him calling you that sweet nickname would set you off, remind you of how bitter that last night was. "i don't need an ambulance, just need you."
you're now dressed in new clothes, and you managed to toss the ice cream bowl that was previously on your lap onto the sink, a single duffel bag across you filled with clothes and some chosen essentials. "okay, i'm gonna book a flight as soon as i hang up, alright? bye mattie, stay safe." you managed to bite your tongue before i love you passed your lips and hung up on him, now going to the website of the airport you always traveled with and purchased a ticket to california. the plane was leaving in one and a half hour, more than enough time for you to get there. your house to the airport is usually just a forty five minute drive, so long as there's no traffic or anything of the like.
as soon as the car's engine revved up, you stepped on the gas pedal, driving way faster than you usually did. you waved through the expensive cars on the fast line. mercedes benz, ferrari, it didn't matter. you were driving faster than all of them and overtook them with so much ease they could take it as an insult. they probably did.
as a result of your maniac driving, you were at the airport in no time, with thirty two minutes to spare. you were grateful for the fact that you didn't encounter a cliche will you or won't you be able to make it to the airport scenario. you really didn't think you could take that amount of stress and anxiety at this point. the question was, would that be better than what you're doing right now? nervously pacing at the waiting area because you had to wait for such a long time when matt needed you right now? in your situation and headspace, the thought of calling him and being on the phone with him while you waited didn't cross your mind anymore. your toe was tapping, and your leg bouncing the whole thirty two minute wait, but it was worth it. then you realize that from where you were right now to hesperia was a seven hour flight, and that made you groan inside. but it was still worth it for matt.
soon enough, the plane was boarding and you kind of preferred the hustle and bustle of the waiting area than the boringness of the plane. now you were consumed by your thoughts and couldn't even people watch to distract you from it. what am i gonna tell him when i get there? what's gonna happen? is he gonna try to get back together? will i be able to resist if that happens? should i even resist if that came up? would that be the good thing to do? your mind was consumed, playing every scenario possible to you in vivid color, a hundred miles an hour. it was gonna drive you insane if you didn't put a stop to it, so you did.
you watched a movie on the plane, one that you haven't seen before in hopes that it'll distract you, but it didn't really help at all. you were too enamored with matt at this point and everything you saw flashing at the screen reminded you of him.
the way the love interest of the main character laughed so easily, the cheesy pick up lines they'd crack, how they did the silliest things all to make their partner laugh was everything matt was as a boyfriend, and those were only some of the reasons why you loved him so much and why you fell in love with him in the first place.
it was completely and utterly ridiculous for him to cross your mind every second, especially because you weren't together anymore, but that didn't change the fact it was true.
you ended up turning the tv off, it became too much, deciding to try and get some sleep instead. still, your brain was too preoccupied.
you accepted your fate and freely let yourself think about him for the first time since that night. you promised yourself you wouldn't do this, yet here you are all because he caught you during a vulnerable day. you were doing so well the past couple of days too! not thinking about him much, not having to catch yourself thinking about how he looked at you as if he was the luckiest man in the world, but one little phone call from him, and all that came crashing down on you.
after a few hours, the plane finally landed. it was about nine in the evening now, the sun has set some time ago and the stars and the moon was out and about.
you couldn't trudge through the airport fast enough. matt texted you six, maybe five hours ago, seeming to be in rough shape and you wanted to be with him now.
once you were outside and was able to hail a cab, you dramatically threw your luggage into the trunk of the taxi and told the driver to step on it, please and by the grace of god, he did.
you were pretty sure you were speeding, but maybe he saw the look on your face and knew that you meant every word of it. you were not joking around, and really you weren't.
in less than forty minutes, you were right in front of matt's house. the porch light was off, and it seemed like so were the lights inside the house. it looked empty and dull, though nothing really changed from the day you left. the front door decorations were still there, and so were the plants on the windowsill. they weren't dying by any means of the word either. it was just missing something: you -- the love and energy and passion that used to reside there. that was what made it so special, and now it's gone, although with a chance to make a comeback. maybe.
after the paying the cab driver and getting your duffel bag from the car, you hurried up the front door steps and knocked on the door, hoping that matt would answer it.
he didn't. you've been waiting for two minutes now and there was still nothing. no commotion from inside the house, no light bulbs flickering on, no sign of matthew anywhere.
maybe didn't hear you, or maybe he didn't want you there anymore. the possibility of him calling you as a prank was there, but matt wouldn't do that to you, at least you hoped he didn't. maybe he did need you, but you took too long and now he's okay. a forty five minute drive and a seven hour flight.
you'd never know until you asked him so you grabbed your phone to tell him you were there, to make him aware of your presence at his house in case he didn't hear you knocking.
it was a quick text, i'm here. you didn't know what else to say. what could you say?
much to your relief, some shuffling from the other side could be heard, followed by sounds of the lock on the door, and lastly, him pulling it open to reveal himself.
you haven't seen him for a while. thankfully since aew let their wrestlers decide the direction of their storylines, you didn't have to go up to him and consult him about something at all. you avoided him at all costs too, always taking the longer route as long as that meant you wouldn't cross the evp locker room.
you only saw him for a few seconds on tv before you would look away or change the channel or during mandatory meetings and that was really it.
he looked.. different. heavy bags under his eyes and dark circles around them, he was a bit paler too. he didn't sport the usual neat and sleek manbun, a messy one replaced it. he was wearing a tank top and sweatpants, what he always wore, no change in that area. despite everything, he still looked like the most handsome man in the world, to you at least.
he stepped through the door frame, pulling the door close behind him, and you could see him a lot clearer now that the moonlight has hit him. "do you mind if we walk for a while? the house is..." he trailed off, not finishing his sentence, but you already had an idea of what he wanted to say just from the way he looked.
"yeah."
he nodded at you, grabbed your bag to put it inside the house so you wouldn't be lugging it to where he planned on going, before locking the house and walking to wherever he planned.
no words were exchanged as you both ventured. you didn't know what to say, you didn't know exactly what the situation was and why exactly he needed you and he didn't say anything either. he seemed to be deep in thought to the point where you don't even know if he knows where you're going. if he's aware of the directions you're taking, or the fact that you're still there with him.
another turn and you're at the beach -- it's a beach he told you about one day when you were still together, he was fond of it, apparently but you had no idea why.
you've always held some degree of distain for the - overrated - body of water. were you supposed to go to the water with slippers on or not? because if you did, it would sink in the wet sand and make walking near impossible - without losing your footwear, at least - yet if you didn't, your feet would just get burned by the hot sand while you're walking to the water. the sand also got everywhere and it's annoying and uncomfortable to clean up. who knows how dirty that sand is and it's getting all up in the nooks and crannies of your bottoms. not to mention how everyone always hypes it up like it's some sort of heaven on earth even if it's actually the opposite. that fueled your annoyance even more.
but the worst part of it is how it always seemed to remind you of your ex, the ex that you are currently standing next to.
he led you to sit on some large black rocks, which were darker than the night sky that currently painted the horizons. something they had in common though were little white specs. for the sky, it was the stars, for the rocks it was some sand.
it was a bit windy that evening, but nothing too crazy. it blown your hair in one direction, thankfully not enough to mess it up. the water were singing their calming song, a gentle wooshing caused by the air ripping through them.
the man beside you cleared his throat, finally beginning to speak. "i'm sorry about that night. i just wasn't having a good day and i guess what you said set me off.. i know that's not an excuse for my behavior, but you deserve an explanation." he said, looking away from you in shame leaving you to stare at his bearded cheek. he really was not proud of his behavior then. he resented himself for it, not simply because it made you leave, but also because he hurt you and he knew he was so much better than that.
you deserve so much better than that for all the patience you manage to practice with his schedule and even his attitude from time-to-time.
"it's fine, matt. i understand, besides, it's not like we can do anything about it-" you looked down at your lap, beginning to play with a sea shell laying on the ground near the rock you sat on. it was a faded pink color, the pigment getting washed away because of how many times it has returned to the sea, loyal and following, just to get thrown back to the shore. it may have lost its vibrancy, but it still managed to call out to you and that was the reason you picked it up. "-i-it's not like we can do anything about it." you muttered.
more silenced passed by and you wished you could read matt's mind to know what he was thinking about right now. you have an initial thought, his calls in the past few months a clue to that, but you couldn't be sure until he spoke it into the space where you're in.
a part of you wished you were wrong, that he wasn't going to say what you think he will because you don't think you have the power to turn him down right now, not when he can look at you with those sincere, brown, puppy dog eyes. if that happens and you agree, there's the fear of him taking advantage of you, of him knowing you'd never really leave him and using that. you knew matt wouldn't do that, he was a sweet, kind, and caring partner, but you didn't know anymore. you didn't think he would snap at you for something so miniscule either, yet this is the situation you find yourself in anyway.
there's also a part of you that wishes you're correct on your thought though. the part of you that desires to be nestled in his arms everyday the way you used to be, to wake up with him being downstairs and the scent of freshly brewed coffee in the air, to relieve the memories of sitting in the tub with him while washing each other's hair, bubbles surrounding and covering you. everything. the logic aspect of yourself isn't too fond of this part, but it's the complete opposite for your heart aspect.
all of a sudden, matt lays his hand on top of yours and he turns his head to look at you again. "we may not be able to change anything, but we can try again.. you know.. if you want to..-"
like you've expected, you're powerless against his longing gaze. when he looks at you, you turn to jelly and want nothing more than to hold him against you, have his head on your stomach while you play with his hair. that was his favorite thing to do when you were still together.
"-nothing has felt right since you left. the house seems empty without you and me running around, the elite's locker room seems a bit dull without you brightening it up, and my days have just been... miserable.. and maybe this is selfish, but i really hate the thought of you being more than okay after all this, of you not missing me.."
butterflies start to fill up your stomach at his words and you try your hardest to not let it show on your face. sure, your mind may have been made up when he uttered we may not be able to change anything but it would be good if it didn't show immediately.
"if i give us another chance then how will i know you won't do anything like that again?" you're freely letting yourself melt into his stare the way you always do, ignoring your brain yelling at you to run, run, run away. there has been times in your life where you chose with your heart rather than your brain and so far, it hasn't bit you in the ass too hard. what was another time? plus, this one involved who you thought of as the love of your life. the heart wants what it wants.
"because i already know what it feels to lose you and i can't do this again. i can't risk losing you again." his hand raise to cup the side of your face and his thumb rubbed your cheek softly. he smiled when you leaned into his touch, seeing that as a good sign that maybe, just maybe you'll take him back. he couldn't know what to do if you didn't. he's starting to worry - and annoy - nick, kenny, and adam now because he hasn't been himself in such a long time. they didn't understand that's what it's like when the love of your life gets taken away from you and you realize that it's all your fault. he doesn't even get the satisfaction of being able to point fingers at somebody else because he only has himself to blame for it.
if only he had more patience.
instead of saying anything, uttering words you easily could have lied with, you let your actions do the talking for you. you covered his hand that was on your cheek with yours and put your other hand at the back of his neck, slowly pulling him closer. your grip was soft, allowing him to pull away if that was what he wished to do. he didn't.
he let your lips meet in the middle, starting to dance in a familiar manner. your hand on him tightened, shifting when his hand found themselves on your waist and pulled you into his lap where you rested for a while until you both started decided that it was time to finally head back home and get some much needed sleep and cuddles.