One month later...
Raph's POV
"If I hit you, it's not my fault."
Y/n deflects another combo I send at her, but it's obvious her head's somewhere else. "Huh?" We're rerunning ukes now, after I started training with her last week; every morning after I'm done training with my brothers. But I guess she's on autopilot because by the time she tries to deflect another combination, I've already knocked her over.
My arm froze in the air where she was just standing. Because even in the big jackets and loose baggy clothes she always wears now, I've seen how small she's gotten, and I don't want to hurt her.
But she just laid there, groaning. Probably not from pain since I didn't push too hard, but because she has to get back up now. I blink, eyes wide as I stare down at her. "Uh, you okay...?"
"Yup. Doing just fine down here."
I move to her side with a grin, waiting for her to move. "Don't tell me you got lazy on me."
"Shut up. My body is still asleep, from all the rEStInG I had to do." Her eyes roll as she pulls herself upright, and I crouch next to her.
"All that resting is gonna help you build your strength and resilience back up. I promise I'll have you kicking our butts by Christmas." I pause for a second, rethinking that. "Not all of us. Mikey and Donnie, maybe. But obviously not me–"
"Okay, okay I get it." She cuts me off, but there's part of a smile there.
With a chuckle, I get back on my feet. "Still, you're better than you were last week. And I didn't have to reteach you those ukes today. It's progress." She takes my hand when I offer it, and when I pull her up her eyes still look past me, at Sensei's closed bedrooms doors.
I glance back at the sliding doors too for a moment, then back to her. "You gonna tell me what's on your mind?" Her eyes flicker to me. But she shakes her head, seeming to worry he'll hear whatever thoughts she's having about him. "You can tell me. That smell of tea and incense means he's in deep." Y/n stares at me, eyebrows scrunching. "Meditation."
"Oh."
"It's pretty much how–"
"I know what you're gonna say. Napping in style. Sleeping for hippies. The boring ninja's way of taking a siesta."
"Exactly. The part of your training I'll let Leo handle."
"Aw. And here I was waiting for you to start teaching me how to get in touch with my inner chi." She deadpans, fiddling with the wraps around her wrist.
"Yeah, nice try." I laugh at the idea. "I can see something's botherin' ya. Spill."
"... Are you sure he can't hear us? He does have rat hearing."
"Positive. He always meditates after training us in the morning."
"Right. I forgot that." She sighs, walking towards the wooden bench off by the opposite wall. "Master Splinter and I haven't talked since he started getting out of his room more. It's like it's only getting more and more awkward."
"I thought that was like, the nature of your relationship." I sit next to her.
She shrugs. "When I moved in I thought I'd get comfortable around him eventually. And I was, when he was training me. But we haven't talked to each other one-on-one since any of this, and it's weird again."
"Well, you could always walk over there and try your luck." I look across the dojo at the room she's watching, but she shakes her head.
"I don't think we would even know how to talk to each other. Leo told me he feels guilty, with his past with Shredder and everything. It's not like I can just talk to him about it."
"Knowing Sensei, that might be true." I've been wondering if Leo ever told her about Karai and Splinter. But judging by what she was mentioning right now... I'm so not sure. "He doesn't usually shut down like this. Not for so long." Y/n frowns, hunched over as her elbows dug into her knees. She looked down as she fiddled with the wraps streaming down, loose from her hands now. Her expression matched mine. Even though Sensei's done better in the last month, I've never seen him take so long to get one hundred percent back to normal.
I guess this isn't the kind of thing you completely come back from.
"You'll both talk when you're ready to get past the awkwardness."
"Sooo never?"
"Most likely." I hop of the bench, changing to another subject. "Come on. It's second breakfast. Those bozos might eat up all the bacon before we get there."
—
"Here." I toss her a water bottle once we get to the kitchen, always making sure she refuels. "Drink. Eat."
"Gee, I'll try." Y/n deadpans, making me chuckle.
Eating isn't really a problem for her anymore. Over the past month she went from starving to cope eating once her appetite finally came back. But no one's worried about it really. She lost a lot of weight and some emotional carbo loading while getting back into training and physical therapy shouldn't hurt.
She filled her plate same as the rest of us, and sat at the table with Leo. I add my share of scrambled eggs to my plate, patting Mikey's head when I sit too. "Thanks, knucklehead."
"Seriously guys you don't have to keep thanking me. Everyone knows I'm the only brother around here who knows how to cook a pancake without burning the kitchen down."
"Great." I look at the others. "He's more annoying when he's well rested."
"Yeah but the food gets better too, so it evens out."
Mikey grins at me when Donnie gives him his excuse, but I just laugh at that dumb, proud look on his face. "All right. I'll be the judge of that."
Leo laughs at my challenge. "It's not like any of us could cook as well as him if we tried."
"Especially not with you in this bloodline." I agree, and Y/n snickers from next to him.
He gives us both his "very funny" look just when her phone starts going off. She glances at the screen laying on the table when she gets a few alerts at once. Her irritation gets even more obvious as she reads each one. She switches it to vibrate and turns her phone over.
Don takes notice from her other side. "They still breathing down your neck?"
"Yeah."
"Who, your school?" Mikey asks.
"Foster Care Services." Her head shakes and she distracts herself with piling up food on her fork. "They want to know why I haven't been at school, and I haven't come up with a good lie yet..."
"Have they been trying to reach you this whole time?" I ask, seeing how tensed her body language became.
"Yeah. Plus I missed last month's check-in meeting. Mr. O'Neil covered me for it but they want to make sure I don't miss it this month."
Leo rubbed a hand on her back when seeing her stress. But Donnie's head cocked to the side. "If you're emancipated, why do you still have to attend these meetings?"
"It's partial. I can live on my own and make most of my own choices, but I'm still legally their responsibility. And my supervisor has no idea what I've been doing for the past two months or why I haven't shown up at school, so."
"Mr. O'Neil's like your fake dad, right?" Mikey talks around a mouthful of pancakes. "Maybe you can say he's been homeschooling you?"
"They wouldn't believe that, they know how much he works." She frowns, nudging her food around her plate. So I suggest something.
"How about witness protection? You saw a guy get shot and the government had to hide you." She gave me a look that mirrored the others' while they just stared at me over the table. As if I wasn't taking this seriously. "What? It could work."
"If I went into witness protection they'd be the first people to know." Y/n stabs her fork into a piece of meat, but looks back up at me. "Points for creativity though."
"S'what I'm here for."
"Car accident."
All of us look at Donnie when he suddenly spoke up, casually chugging some coffee from his mug.
"What was that?"
"A car accident." Don shrugged simply. "It's the perfect excuse."
"It's not as bad as Raph's murder idea..." Leo comments, even though that idea totally would've worked, "but it sounds like a big lie to pull off."
"Maybe so, but if anyone happens to notice your past injuries or asks about your long absence, it's a good excuse."
"... You've been thinking about this."
"Of course. It's believable. It doesn't raise questions and gets people off your back. We could even prove it to the school and FCS. It's just a matter of uh... forging up some hospital records," he moved his coffee cup over his mouth to stifle that last part about breaking the law. "Kirby can sign off on the papers and you'll be good to re-enroll when you go back."
"Wow." Leo blinked, thinking it over. "That is strangely perfect."
"As long as you're comfortable telling your supervisor you kept it from them."
"Not a problem." She agrees with ease. "Thanks, Don. This was fun." She picked up a glass of orange juice as the table was silent. I have to say, as uncomfortable as it is sitting around the breakfast table and thinking up ways to lie to her Foster supervisor about her being tortured, I was enjoying not being the only one with all the dry humor.
Your POV
"Easy. We're almost there."
"... Should I be climbing up this ladder slower?"
"If it gets you onto the roof safer."
I reach up and take Leo's outstretched hand, stepping off the ladder. "If you mother hen any harder you're gonna start molting."
"You calling me mother hen isn't insulting, it just lets me know I'm doing my job right." He counters with a proud smile and a peck to my cheek.
As much as I didn't want to laugh at that comment, I did. "You're annoying."
"Come on," he grinned wider, tugging me along with him further on the asphalt.
It was his idea to try this outing before I come back out for school soon. We're on a roof with a giant billboard and a door to the roof, connecting to a couple other buildings. Somewhere he assured was far away from anywhere near that place.
It's felt like forever since I've been above ground. It doesn't even feel like I've been off bedrest that long either. But between training and trying to mentally prepare for Hellhole High again, I'm ready for a distraction. It was his first time back up here in a while too. I know the others have been out more on patrols lately like normal, but Leo still always stayed down in the lair with me.
Even when I felt bad, I didn't have the guts to tell him to go anyway. The idea of any extended period of time left alone with my thoughts still puts me on edge.
"This comfortable enough?"
His voice brought me back, and he set the duffel bag he brought along on a shaft. And now that I'm up here, among the tops of buildings where the air is thinner, I actually start to pay attention. To the way the wind feels, the way the gravel shifted beneath my feet. For a moment, I just stood still, seeing the sun about to set. I'm realizing how many basic things you miss when underground for two months straight. Like Vitamin D.
"I know you've had a lot on your mind today." I turn back to him, taking in his caring tone and attentive demeanor. "I thought maybe getting you away from all those dark walls might help. I wasn't sure if it's starting to feel too small down there."
"No, the lair's been great. I like it down there." I shake my head, going over to sit with him. "I wouldn't have known where else to go without it. And all of you guys."
"Well you're the one who kept it safe. You made sure of that."
"What do you mean?" I ask, but when I look at him as he hesitates, I can tell he's caught himself saying one of the many things he meant to never mention around me again.
"I just meant..." He paused in thought, but then looked back to me earnestly. "I know what Karai wanted from you..." My pulse quickens in the slightest, and hearing that name again ignites the urge to crawl out of my skin. "You were so strong, enough not to give in under all the pressure. The only reason we still have our home is because of you."
"She was threatening my only home... It was mostly selfish," I rationalized with a shrug, tearing my eyes away. Not shameful or modest, just matter-of-fact.
"No it wasn't." He denies with enough conveyance to make me look to him again, and he stares me in the eyes. "I know you, Y/n. I know it wasn't."
"Well I..." I trail off, unsure. He's so convinced, it made me wonder if it was true. And I started thinking back, to my rationale when I forced myself not to talk, wondering if maybe self-preservation wasn't my only motivation. But I just start to hear poisonous threats and sharpening blades in my head. My eyes shift down, needing to get the images away from them. "... Can– can we talk about something else?"
"Yeah." His tone shifts quickly, recalibrating. "Uh, what classes do you take this year?" Which was a better question to think about, but I must've had a look because he immediately backtracked. "Right. Not school."
"No, that's fine." I take a breath, trying to shake things off and focus. "Um, I don't remember what electives I signed up for, but, I still have to take Math and English and all that, every year."
"Did you finish the book yet?"
Oh yeah. The book I've had plenty of free time to ready but am still barely halfway through. My head shakes. "... I just can't focus."
"You can't focus?"
"I used to love reading, and now I can't get through half a page without the littlest things distracting me." I sigh. "It's like my brain is completely different now."
"Is it like that all the time?"
"... Sometimes. Sometimes I just zone out in the middle conversations. I'm listening but then it all just turns to static, and I'm zoned out in this void."
He takes my hand into both of his on his lap, encasing the back of my hand and lazily trailing his fingertips across my palm in a way that triggered a ticklish sensation. But his eyes stayed on mine. "What about when you train?"
"It's not as bad. It's easier to stay grounded." I stare at our hands, finding that to be the case now. He nods, listening as well as he always has. His gaze is somehow so alert and intense at the same time. The way he was looking at me, making my palm tingle, I felt flustered. So I cleared my throat awkwardly and looked back out at the other buildings. "Man, I forgot how bright it gets up here... And hot."
"Here." The tingling in my hand is suddenly replaced with cold. I look to see he had pulled an ice cream bar from that bag and given it to me.
"Is that what the bag's for?"
"It has anything I thought we might need," he nods.
"Like Dora's backpack?" I tease, wondering why he felt the need to bring supplies on a short visit up top.
"Who?"
His head tilts adorably, and I just shake my head. "Never mind... What else ya have in there?"
"Let's see. Sewer tunnel map." He starts nudging things aside and pulling stuff out. "Soda, because your cravings are pretty consistent. Ibuprofen. I also brought..." He pulled out a plushie of a miniature, angry, purple baby octopus. And as the adorable face that he's tried to get me to laugh with before pouted up at me in his hands, I let loose a smile at his silliness. And he immediately began rejoicing. "Yes! I knew it! I knew I'd get you sooner or later."
"Oh my gosh..." I shake my head humorously at him, feeling my smile grow.
"The time has come," Leo grabbed the little octopus, which has been on his not so chipper face, and turned it inside out to a light blue smiling face. He held it back up next to my face, and nuzzles it against my cheek. "Perfect match."
"You're ridiculous." I grab it from him, but nothing can deter how proud he looks right now. I look down at the plushie and ice cream bar sitting in my lap, realizing how thoughtful it was of him to prepare for this just to keep me comfortable. "Thanks..." I smile a little more, then hold up the frozen bar jokingly. "These are the good kind."
"Hey, only the best for my girl." He grins. "Come on," he hops up and steps towards the wall ledge.
I join him, looking over the side down at the tiny bustling cars and streetlights. It wasn't as noisy as I remember. The same way the lair was for weeks when everyone outside of my room was too scared to make too much noise. I hated it. "It seems quieter."
"It's Sunday." I hear him say, and watch the way his body relaxes as he leans an arm on the wall, looking down over the teeming life below. The tired around his eyes didn't hide the bliss this environment brought him.
"You must miss it up here."
"I haven't really thought about it till now." I could tell it was the truth, and it gave me a little bit of relief. The city always looked good on him. Even if it was only ever the upper half of it. "You okay?" He suddenly stepped closer to me, and I immediately felt myself relax more. His smell, the feel of his palm covering my hand when he reaches for me, the comforting warmth that radiated off him. I was caught in his pull, and only nodded once, unwilling to break this fragile peace.
His free hand brushed strands of my hair back while his other held my hand tightly, gazing over my face as he stood so close. Doing everything but what I wanted him to do. I observe his face curiously, wondering what was happening in his head. "You can kiss me."
He looked so deep into my irises, silent. I could see how much he wanted to. I know what it looks like when he wants to kiss me. But he won't. His eyes shift to my mouth, and he mumbles, "I don't want to overwhelm you."
"Please, do."
His eyes return to mine when I say it. So he goes another step further, cradling the back of my head, then passionately pushing his lips against my own. Not hard but firm. Savoring me like this indulgence was temporary. His fingers were in my hair, his arm around my waist protectively now.
When his lips connected with mine it was like it instantly allowed me to breathe easier. Like a release. The way the softness of his mouth so forcefully asserted his affection. One of his strong hands intwined his fingers in my hair at the back of my head, triggering a flash of memory of unkind fingers doing the same to grip harshly at my hair for control. And despite the momentary lapse, I still let him. My body pushes closer to his as I push the thought away, more attracted to the warmth he gave me.
My insides were buzzing. It was like my body finally woke up from a year long sleep. Even if this was a temporary feeling, I drew as much relief from his lips as I could. Times like this were when I knew kissing him might be the best thing I ever experience in my lifetime.
His soft hand moves from my hair to cover my cheek, cradling it to keep me here for as long as possible. I felt my bottom lip get caught between his teeth, and his thumb reaches to free it before he's smashing his lips down into mine again. My arms wrap around him as his mouth coaxed mine, working in gentle movements to make me feel safe and loved.
When we eventually parted, maybe minutes later, our noses brushed, lips still hovering close. "Pace yourself," he mumbled huskily, and I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself.
I chuckled, leaning my forehead on his. My mouth was tingling. "I miss this."
"Being up here?"
"Kissing you. And, forgetting... Just standing here with you."
"Breathing fresh air instead of sewer air?" He guessed playfully.
"Seeing you smile for real." I added on. "Makes me feel less antsy."
"You miss my smile?"
"I miss your happy smile. I'm acquainted with your awkward pity one."
"Hey, it's never pity." He straightens, being serious. "I just don't want you to forget how far you've come. You've made a whole lot of progress, and it makes me happy... And I know how much you love this smile," Leo winks, a little cheeky. But his reasoning makes sense. He's always trying to cheer me up, even if the most he can ever get is half a laugh. Suddenly, I feel ten times more grateful than before, having him on my side.
"Hey, even if I don't always laugh or smile back, don't give up on it, okay?" I kiss him again, then pull away to wrap my arms around his stomach in a tight hug. "Food isn't the only thing I use to cope, ya know?" I admit with my head on his shoulder.
"Yeah. I know."
We stand there like that for a while. His arms encasing me and head resting on top of mine. Occasionally he'd move, only to press a few soft kisses along my cheek, adding to my contentness, before nuzzling his head back onto mine. There was a gentle breeze and a soothing energy that radiated off of him. It felt so peaceful.
I craned my head to look up at him after some time passed. His eyes rested close, and when I moved he repositioned to nuzzle further into me. For a few seconds I smiled, finding myself able to bask in all his purity. Until I saw those hints of fatigue in his features again.
"If you're tired, we didn't have to do all this."
"Are you kidding? I enjoy the fresh air." His eyes stay closed, and mouth pecks a kiss to my forehead. "And being up here with you again."
Which wasn't really what I was talking about. That I know what he does to stay awake so late during those nights he thinks he'll need to be there for me. And while he knows my nightmares aren't as bad or frequent anymore, and sleeping isn't such an obstacle of every night like it used to be, he still won't take chances when he gets that feeling.
On some nights when I'd only pretend to fall asleep so soon, I could tell he'd disappear to talk to Donnie in his lab about whatever, or hear him shuffling around with whatever papers he had with him sometimes. And sure, some of those nights weren't so peaceful, and he was the one ready to talk me down at 3 AM as soon as I needed it. But he also had his crashes now and then, whenever he lets his guard down enough for the fatigue to finally take over him. I'm not sure when his last crash or all nighter was.
"You've been staying with me everyday for like, forever."
His eyes open to rest his gaze on me. "Of course I have."
"It hasn't really been good for your sleep..."
The pad of his thumb moved across the skin of my cheek slowly, thinking on his answer critically. "You'd do the same for me." He said simply, leaning down to slowly kiss my forehead again. I sighed softly as his gentle touch made contact, eyes falling closed. Ever a master of distraction, he moved on to the bridge between my eyes, placing his lips there for a short moment.
I honestly wanted to just melt right here where I stood. Because it was only when he immersed me in his touch that I truly felt safe and sane again. The next kiss was to my nose, then I finally feel him leaning in for my lips a second time...
But then, I hear the slightest noise come from behind us, and it's like the clatter yanks my soul out of my body. Both of our heads whip to follow the sound when there's a scrape across asphalt sounded from out of view.
"What was that?" I ask him quickly. Fear suddenly gripped at my insides, pulling my walls of tranquility apart.
"Easy, I think it was just another rat." He offered, but I saw caution in his eyes as he didn't tear away from the direction the disturbance came from. I shake my head and look around us, suddenly much more engrossed in our surroundings. It had been silent the whole time we were up here. Silent enough to know if someone were lurking by. "Wait here, Y/n. I'll double check, okay?"
He moves to check it out only after I nod at him, his body removing itself from me. He moved quietly, back pressed against the wall while he slowly paced forward. I watch him proceed cautiously, the same way I've seen him do before– the last time I was on a roof...
I feel my fingers clenching deep into my palm.
He's disappeared behind the roof door entrance and by the time I snap out of my thoughts, it's hard to tell how long I've been alone. It's completely silent again. That's when my body escalates to a new stage of restless. Anything could've been happening on the other side of this roof right now. He could have been ambushed in a matter of seconds, run into some of those alien robots they've mentioned. Or maybe one of the freaky looking Foot Clan robots sent to look for us.
It's been too many minutes. Or has it been seconds?
"No, no, no, this is wrong..." My muscles grew rigid. I started to move towards the other end of the building to find him, but my body stopped before I could get past the shack, too scared to see what I might find. "Leo..." I call unsurely, and I hated how weak I sounded. There was no response, and my panic skyrocketed. My feet finally moved forward rapidly. "Leo?!"
I'm turning the corner when I bump into something hard. "I'm right here! I'm right here." He answers, steadying me. I had collided into his chest, and my body shuddered in an exhale. "It was just a stray cat. Someone left food out for it. We see them around here all the time."
"I want to go."
His face morphed to gentle sympathy. "Nobody's here. No one's gonna hurt you."
I squeeze his hand desperately. "Please, Leo, I wanna go home."
"Okay." He gives in upon my pleading. "Okay, we'll go."
By the time we finally dropped back into the sewers, the shaking in my body wasn't much better. I stepped off the bottom rung to let Leo climb down, and my back hit against the wall. I don't know why, but my breathing was speeding up as I tried to support myself against it. I close my eyes and try to focus on deep breaths, like Donnie told me, but focusing on my labored breathing only made me feel more panicked.
"Hey, it's just us here." Leo's suddenly in front of me, attention zeroed in on my frenzied state. "It's okay now! We're back underground."
I shake my head at him, lifting it just enough to meet his eyes. "I can't–" My hand clutches over where my heartbeat is hammering, "I-I can't..."
He nods calmly, understanding what I'm trying to say. "Focus on me. Deep breaths."
I know what it is I'm supposed to do, but my mind wouldn't stop racing. No one was up there. I was never in danger. We're already back in the sewers, safe and sound, so why was my heart pumping so fast? Like my chest is too small to contain it in its fear. "It won't go away!" I try to tell him.
Because knowing what's happening doesn't actually stop it. It doesn't matter what I rationalize in my head, this wave is gonna ride out until I realize it's never gonna end, and then I finally crash.
"It will. It will. You can get through this."
And then the feeling comes, that I never get used to. An invisible weight sitting on my chest, taking up all the space needed to breathe, pushing me into a completely foreign space I don't recognize the rapid, high-pitched gasping I hear as my own.
The cold wall against my back isn't enough to steady me, and I'm not sure if I sink down or just drop to the ground, I only remember collapsing on the sewer floor. Leo was right there with me, trying his hardest to get me to calm down.
"Just listen to me, Y/n, and don't worry about anything else. You don't have to do anything right now except concentrate on taking deeper breaths."
He seems so far away. So out of reach. He's giving me personal space, but it doesn't help me breathe easier. I need him here.
"I know you're scared, Y/n, but you're not in any danger. I just need you to try and breathe with me."
My hand reaches for him and latches onto his arm. Feeling his skin under mine tethered me to reality. It's the first attack I've had in a while; maybe that's why it feels so unfamiliar. But I needed something to hold onto to let him help me through it, and that's exactly what he did.
"Can you tell me what me and my brothers names are?" He asks, taking my shaking hand into his. "In alphabetical order."
That's right. Lists. Something else Donnie suggests. Lists work.
"Don..." I stop short, and pause to work through the shakiness. "Donnie..."
"Good. And?"
My eyes close in frustration as I scramble for any name after that. "Mikey?"
"Almost. Focus on the letters."
The alphabet. Right. Okay. That's easy. Shouldn't be hard. I can remember that...
His hands squeeze mine gently, bringing me back to him. "Leo." I breathed, and it felt easier to say.
"Good."
"Mikey."
"That's it. Just a little slower." His thumb was skimming back and forth on my hand. Instead of the goosebumps covering my skin, I concentrated on that soothing sensation; the rhythmic back and forth.
"... Raph."
My throat wasn't as tight when I finished, and I realized that my breathing was finally beginning to even out. The pounding in my ears couldn't be heard so loudly anymore. My senses felt dulled in comparison to the hysteria from before, and I wanted nothing more than to welcome the oncoming relief.
"You're doing it." He smiled, but there was pain in his eyes. "Just one more time for me."
I keep breathing in and out at a steady pace, like he shows me to do. Realizing my brain wasn't so foggy, I uttered out the four familiar names once more in order, slowly.
There was space in my throat and chest again. It's ending. Air has made its way back to my lungs. I'm still shaky and feel frazzled, but the alarms going off in my head have stopped and the invisible weight has lifted from my chest.
The last thing I saw of him, was his pained but deceivingly calm expression before I launched myself into his arms, and he held me tight.
Donnie's POV
Things were relatively quiet in my lab for the middle of the afternoon. The whir of my laptop and buzzing of lights from upward were about all the white noise that could be heard. And I suppose this awkward silence between Y/n and me for the past two minutes is a contributor. I'm at my desk, in front of my computer, but haven't touched it while she's picking at her sleeves in the rolly chair across the room. Usually I would wait for her to talk, but she hadn't even made eye contact yet. I haven't seen her this wound up in a while.
"Y/n?" The picking stops when I speak, but she doesn't look up. "Do you want to talk about your panic attack?"
"... There's not really much to say."
Our talks started one day when I was bandaging a cut on her arm that managed to reopen. I assume she wanted a distraction from the bleeding reminder, so she just started talking. About the dreams she'd been having about her parents from so long ago. Leo and I thought she'd never bring it up, but apparently there were some things she needed to say out loud. It was the first and most she opened up to me about it. We'd never done that before. I wasn't even sure if she'd been willing to talk to Leo about anything directly.
"Can you walk me through what happened?" I hope it comes off as a question, and not a request.
"Leo and I were on a rooftop. After a while we heard a noise. I thought it was... something bad and I freaked out." Short and to the point. How she talks now when she's not feeling conversational. Which is a lot of the time.
"But it wasn't?"
"No. Just some stupid cat."
The second time she visited me in my lab, I was tinkering with that recording audio device that I hooked up to my computer so I could look through like I promised Leo. She had no idea what I was working on when she sat casually in that same rolly chair.
It started off as sitting in silence then, too. It was awkward and long, and I thought maybe I was handling things poorly by waiting for her to start things up when she clearly needed to talk. But now I know that sometimes she needs the time to pull her thoughts together; maybe just sit with a friend before bringing up her problems. And then she opened up again, and we talked– just like it was a normal conversation– about how hard it was to focus on elementary things.
"Is that when it happened? When you heard the noise?"
"No." Still no eye contact, but her eyebrows creased after a moment. "I mean, maybe..."
She had mentioned how her brain goes a mile a minute and how nothing holds her attention for long anymore. The change was frustrating. When she asked me if I ever had problems like that while doing my work, I suggested something more visual for her. Research videos on the book for her summer reading, using movies and TV to distract herself now, doing more relaxing, easy activities to quiet her mind. I've found trying a different method of learning or switching subjects helps me when I'm stumped. It felt good, having her trust me with something like that.
"I thought it was gonna happen again." She continues. "... That's the only thing I could imagine happening when I heard that sound. How it might happen all over again. How stupid it was to go up there. Even if I was enjoying it."
"That's good a thing. That you could enjoy yourself, even before the scare." I point out. Reframing something in a positive light seemed to help at times. Especially since I wasn't positive she'd enjoy leaving the lair at all. Initially, I didn't think anything I could say would help her feel better, but it's amazing how something as little as positive reinforcement actually works.
Most importantly, I told her to give herself a break. The trauma inflicted on her brain has also caused her to be dormant with school, people, and the outside world for months. Stimulation is still a new concept to her senses even now. I wanted to remind her how much importance there was in not pushing herself too hard. I know Leo's been telling her the same thing, and it's seemed to resonate. Ever since then, we've had our talks whenever she feels brave enough to vent, or ask for advice.
"You're not sure when the attack started?"
"... I guess it started when I heard the noise. But it wasn't until we got back down here that it actually happened. I knew I wasn't in danger but I still couldn't stay calm. It felt like... time was starting all over. Back to where it would all happen again. That's what my instincts were telling me."
None of us were sure how well Y/n would take to the idea of going up top, but she responded better than we would've guessed when Leo proposed it to her. Still, I realize now that it wasn't the best idea taking her up to a roof specifically. Maybe we should've sent her with someone who could go with her into the city, like she's used to...
"Maybe it's your mindset. The rooftops are where everything happens for us, and I think you knew that even when you weren't thinking about it." She looks over to where I am now. I sit up, the wheels of thought turning. "You're on edge. Knowing you're missing school and going back to what probably feels like a new environment. Things build up."
"But I was fine until... this one was just so sudden."
I clear my throat, trying not to come off awkwardly when I have a thought. "Can I ask... do you still think back to your time in that chamber a lot?"
"More than I want."
"Everyday?" I ask, and she nods. "How many times today?"
"Like... five?" She guesses, pulling at the materials of her long sleeves again. We're only halfway through today. "Leo brought up how she wanted me to tell her where this place is. He said her name." I nod at her, noticing her body's unease at the memory. "And then later, his hand was in my hair and... it reminded me of when she would grab me like that." She shifted in the chair, shaking her head in distress. "It's still constant, on days like these."
Days like these when it seemed everything somehow related to her time down in that basement.
"You've had a lot on your mind for a while. And no one can blame you. But even when thoughts are subconscious they can build up stress. And I think when a stressor comes into play, it opens that gateway to an attack or a breakdown. So, even when it's sudden, it's not coming out of nowhere." I can see how closely she's listening, a desire for guidance that she's had for weeks, to tell her what to do. "Those thoughts and stressors are keeping the idea of your worst experience happening again. That's what your fear was telling you. Not your instincts."
"So I guess there's no use in hoping this is gonna go away."
"I'd say starting small with the flashbacks might be a better way to go. Changing your mindfulness so you can learn to avoid those stressors. And I know that must sound impossible, but if you can take control and fixate on something more positive anytime you think back to that trauma, eventually your brain will make it second nature."
She frowns, seeming to think that's not an option for her. "I'm not exactly the best at seeing a lot of positive right now."
"I know, but it'll get easier. If you keep sticking with people you trust to help, we can help you through it. The scientist in me has had to realize there's only so much in our control. If there are any stressors you have the ability to avoid, do that as much as possible. Trust me. We can help you, too, if you let us. I really think it'll help."
She nods again, more receptive this time as she thinks on the idea, but her face is scrunching. Apparently something already came to mind. "... I can't do it."
"What?"
"School." Her voice was heavy as she spoke. More worry was slipping through than she's let on before, and a lot more was going on behind her eyes. "I can't go back up there. Not yet."
"Then you shouldn't." I nod more than once, hoping to affirm her instincts. That's a big decision to make, especially considering how stressed she's been about it already. I could see actually making the decision didn't make things better. "I know school is a big priority for you guys, but if you don't feel safe or stable enough to go back yet, then waiting sounds like a good idea."
"You don't think I'm gonna mess everything up if I do? Grades, and hiding from FCS, the O'Neils."
"Honestly, I don't know what might happen. But with every going on, we all just want you to feel better, Y/n... And, schools are supposed to adjust to help you with whatever your situation, right? Maybe it won't be as much of a disaster as you think. You just have to think positive." I smile, then get to my feet. "Either way, we'll be here when you are ready to go back. We'll figure it out. Until then, you have the freedom to do whatever you feel like you need to do to move forward. I mean, you've your regained strength, you have a place to stay sheltered for as long as you want, you're learning to defend yourself." I rest a had on her shoulder when I reach her, hopeful that any of this will aid to easy things for her. "It's baby steps, but you're going in the right direction."
Her expression is less tense now, which I take as a good sign. She didn't give much away, but something solidified in her eyes. "Okay." Then she got up, and marched towards the lab doors.
She was nearly out the doors before she suddenly stopped and turned back to me. I couldn't tell what she was thinking as she stared up at me for a while. Eventually, she comes right back, and startles me when her arms wrap around my neck, and she's... hugging me.
I don't say anything, because what the heck would I say right now? But after a moment, I realize that I don't really need to. I just return the hug until she decides to let go.
She left without another word.
Second POV
You left the impromptu "session" in a driven stride with a new goal now. Unknowingly, Donatello had given you another idea of how to find out what else would help you to move forward. Your feet took you to the dojo.
"You ever not in here anymore?"
Raph grinned as he paused from his weight set. "Some of us still have energy to do away with."
You eyed the pair of heavy-looking dumbbells he set down."Lucky you."
"Well you're here. Which means you're looking for me." He guessed right, and you were silent, thinking about what you wanted to ask of him. "Y/n? Did the outing go okay?"
"... I'm okay."
His eye ridge raised at the answer. "That's not really what I asked."
"Raph, I've been thinking... about how I almost... about how close my life was to ending when you guys brought me back here. And ever since then, it's like the only thing my emotions are dialed to is this constant fear and dread. And I'm really sick of feeling that way. I can't keep moving forward if I always feel like this." He waited for you to go on, hanging on to every word as you looked him in the eyes. It was clear, you were ready to take action. "... I wanna make sure no one ever hurts me again."
You were making another choice, to tell him exactly what you want, and trust him with his tutorage. Looking at you, it was easy to tell you meant it. That you were ready. He understood the request clearly, and got to his feet. "Then let's get started."