Meredith stood in front of the OR board, filling in her surgery for later, as Helena approached her.
"Hey." She let out. "I just got out of the OR. Did it miss it?"
"No, you're good." The blond told her.
"I just finished my corpectomy." Amelia greeted. "Did I miss it?"
"We're good." Helena told her, just as Meredith's phone pinged.
"Wow, that was fast." She let out.
"What was fast?" Her sister in law asked.
"I put out feelers with a real estate agent about the house." Meredith explained. "Looks like I got an offer."
"You're selling the house?" Both brunette doctors asked.
"No. I don't know. Maybe." She shrugged.
"Why do people constantly feel the need to kill their arteries?" Maggie asked, moving to change the OR board.
"Are they here yet?" Callie asked them. "Oh, did I miss it? Tell me I didn't miss it."
"I almost forgot!" Maggie let out.
"I can't wait to see the beads of sweat on their freaked-out little faces." Callie smiled.
"Did I miss it?" Alex asked them.
"No." Helena told him.
"I want to see someone crap. Actually crap." Alex wished.
"Seen it." Callie nodded. "Smelled it. Not as fun as you'd think."
"Oh, come on. You're just mean, all of you." Helena shook her head. "We should be exited for them, encouraging. Those kids are the future of surgery. The future of this hospital. They're eager to learn, and motivated, and not yet desensitized to all the death... it's exciting. Not an opportunity to wish public humiliation on them."
"It's happening!" Arizona almost sang, walking down the hall. "The baby chicks and ducks are here!"
"See, that's what I mean." She pointed out, with a smile, moving to follow the blond.
——
"Each of you today comes here hopeful, wanting in on the game." Richard told the new interns, as the group watched from the gallery, mouthing the words. "A month ago you were in med school, being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The five years you spend here as surgical residents will be the best and worst of your lives." A girl raised her hand, making him ask. "You have a question?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Uh, you raised your hand..." He furrowed his brows.
"No, I'm sorry. I mean why will these be the best and worst years of our lives?" She asked.
"Uh, I was getting to that. Where was I...? Oh, right. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. 8 of you will switch to an easier speciality. 5 of you will crack under the pressure. 2 of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your area. How well you play, that's up to you?"
"Well, when it comes to our class, I do think it'd be smart to add something about people dying..." Helena let out, making heads turn. "Sorry. It's true, thought. It messed with the statistics..."
"They look stupid." Alex let out.
"They look like babies. Where we ever that young?" Meredith asked.
"They're so... well rested." Ben pointed out.
"Well, that will change soon enough." Helena chuckled.
"And eager. Like puppies." Meredith pointed out.
"No, not like puppies. Chicks and ducks." Arizona told them.
"When did we start calling them that?" Meredith asked.
"You've been gone almost a year..." Helena shrugged.
"Left to their own devices, they would drown." Arizona told them.
"And take the patients down with them." Callie added. "God help us all."
——
"Oh, God." A pregnant woman, who had been in an accident, let out. "There's another one."
"Ok, keep breathing for me. Nice and slow." Helena instructed, by her bedside, as she monitored the woman's contractions.
"Edwards, nice job reducing the wrist." Callie praised.
"Actually, Dr. DeLuca did that in the field." She told them.
"Dr. Who?" The trauma surgeon asked.
"Me. Hi." A man walked into the room. "Dr. DeLuca. I was at the scene. Paramedics ran out of splints, so that's actually my tie."
"Was your tie." Callie showed him the cut piece of fabric. "Sorry."
"Eh, not a problem. It was my favorite one, though." He shrugged.
"Oh, God!" The patient yelled.
"Alright. Three centimeters dilated." Helena informed, peeking under the sheet.
"Look, she has a fracture at C5-6." Stephanie showed Callie.
"What's a C5-6?" The woman asked.
"Joan, you fractured a bone in your neck, but it is stable for now, so we'll fix it after you deliver, ok?" She asked, then instructing. "Keep her in the collar until her labs come back. Then we'll get her upstairs so she can deliver and repair the fracture."
"Have them page me when her contractions become more frequent, ok?" Helena asked, then turning to leave the room. "Thank you for the help, DeLuca."
——
Her yellow trauma gown on, Helena jogged to the ambulance bay, where the field team, Meredith, Maggie and Amelia, left an ambulance.
"Hey did you bring any...?" Helena started, then stopping as she noticed Amelia and Meredith fighting.
"I was willing to try an ex-lap." Meredith told her.
"Oh my God. Will you shut up about the stupid ex-lap. That is not the point!" The woman let out.
"The point is maybe we should have stayed." Maggie shrugged. "Maybe we didn't try everything we possibly could have to save him."
"We were all there. We all saw that car." Meredith shot back.
"Hey, come on." Helena urged, quickly realizing they were fighting about a patient they had concluded they couldn't save. "What's done is done, no use fighting about it."
"I'm just saying, there's a difference between knowing when you can realistically save someone and when it's time to walk away!" The blond explained.
"And when is that, Meredith?" Amelia asked, clearly angry. "When is that point? When do you look at a horrible, sad situation and decide that you are ready to turn your back on it? I'm curious. I'm curious how you make those decisions. You, specifically. When are you ok making the call that someone no longer has any chance? How do you look around and decide that? When do you decide that you should walk away?"
At that, Maggie and Helena shared a look, as an intern approached them, looking to Maggie. "Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Edwards says she needs you in trauma 2 right away."
"I'm Dr. Shepherd." Amelia told him.
"Oh, sorry. Dr. Edwards says she needs you, right away." He apologized, leaving with the woman.
As Helena's pager began beeping, the girl looked down to it, explaining. "I-I'm sorry. It's 911. I have to go."
——
"I mean, I am sorry about leaving the patient. She knows that, right?" Meredith vented to Helena, at a doctors lounge, both sitting at a table. "I didn't want to leave him there either."
"Mer, that's not what she's mad about..." Helena sighed, taking a fork full of her salad to her mouth.
"And I'm also sorry about not talking to her about the house. I am." The blond explained. "She's still over reacting."
"Meredith, this is not about... you unplugged her brother. You unplugged him without her seeing him first. And then you left." Helena mumbled, playing with her food. "You just left. D-do you know... do you know how hard that was for everyone? How hard that was for Maggie, who lost the family she'd just found? How hard it was for Alex, who was always so worried about you? A-and for Amelia? She only had you and Derek here, and you both left, at the same time. She was all alone."
"Lena, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't exist here. You know, I looked around at my house and that kids, and I couldn't breathe!" Meredith told her person, getting a hit defensive.
"All I'm saying is that you should understand why she's mad!" Helena let out, sign a shrug, then stabbing her salad. "I mean, I'm mad. I'm so, so mad at you, Mer. And I don't want to be, because I know why you left. I get it! But you... you didn't even call...!"
"I didn't call anyone! I needed time!" Meredith tried to explain.
"God, I don't..." Helena got up from her seat, facing away from Meredith, as she went to make herself a coffee. "I know you didn't call anyone. But I'm your person. You don't think I could have gotten a little heads up, o-or a confirmation that you were safe?! And when you did call, the one time you did, in a full year... I barely got a word in, Mer. It was... you were rude, and you were unpleasant, and you didn't even ask me how I was!"
"My husband had died, Lena. I wasn't-" She shook her head.
"Well, so had mine!" Helena yelled, finally snapping, as she turned back around. "Mark died, too. And I was still there for you. I was there for you when you were here, and I would have been there for you when you went away. Do you know how worried I was about you, the whole time? And then I get a call that you're in the hospital and I drop everything and come running because I didn't... because I thought you'd be dead, too. I thought I'd have to lose one more person. And then you... you weren't. And you had Ellis. So I tried my best not to be angry with you, because I was so... relieved. And all that time, you didn't even bother to check up on me. You didn't even think twice before leaving with a damn note!" Helena sniffled, a tear rolling down her cheek. "You took my daughter's best friend away from her, after her father had just died. Do you know that we wrote letters to Zola every week? And you left me without my best friend. Without my person. My husband had just died and in a year, the only time I got to speak to you, you didn't even ask me how I was...! I was... I was all alone." Helena cried, trying not to let out her sobs, that threatened to escape. "Mark had just died, and you left me. You left me, just like he did. But Mark didn't have a choice. You decided to leave." Helena shook her head, wiping her tears away, as she took in a deep breath. Then, she spoke up again, her voice barely a whisper. "Derek died. You got to be a little selfish. But not to this degree. Not when Mark had died, too."
——
"Ok, here we go." Helena warned, as they wheeled Joan into an elevator, after an intern had dislocated her spinal fracture. "You're doing great, Joan. Deep breaths."
Suddenly, the woman took in a sharp breath.
"What is it?" Edwards asked. "Talk to us, Joan."
"I feel something. In my fingers." She told them.
"Good. That means the traction's working." Callie told her.
"And in my toes. Oh, thank God. I can feel my legs again." She chuckled in relief, then becoming more serious. "Oh my God. I can feel everything. Oh my God!" She screamed.
"She's having a contraction." Helena pointed out.
"Alright, Joan. I know it hurts, but we need you to keep still, so your neck doesn't dislocate again." Callie told her.
"We're almost there, Joan." Helena encouraged. "We're almost there."
"Uh, guys." Stephanie pointed out, lifting the sheet to show blood coming from between her legs.
At that, Helena moved to take a look, announcing. "She's crowning."
"She's only six centimeters!" The resident let out,
"I need to push one more time!" Joan cried out.
"Ok. Ok, this baby's coming now." Helena told them. "Edwards, hold her steady."
——
"You're doing great, Joan! One more big push and that should be it, ok?" Helena requested, by the woman's legs, ready to catch the baby.
It wasn't something she had a lot of experience with, since it'd usually be up to the OB, but her speciality made her more qualified than any other surgeon in the elevator.
"I can't... I can't do this. I can't. He's supposed to be here with me, with us. And he's gone!" The woman cried out.
"I know, Joan. I know it hurts, ok? But you have to. You have to, for your baby. To keep your baby safe." Helena encouraged, the woman pushing. "Alright, Joan. Just like that."
A cry was heard as Helena caught the baby, moving to warp him in a little blanket. "You did great, Joan. That's it. You're done."
"Keith was supposed to cut the cord." The woman sobbed. "He was supposed to hear the first cry."
"You're ok, Joan. Hold your baby. He's ok." Helena encouraged, passing her the baby, as to take her mind off of her husband. The man Meredith, Amelia and Maggie hadn't thought could be saved.
"This isn't how it's supposed to be." She cried. "It's not part of the plan. Keith should be here. Keith should be here."
After handing the mother her baby, Helena backed away slightly, closing her eyes as she faced the elevator wall.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Any of it. Mark should be here, too.
——
"Still feeling those toes, Joan?" Stephanie asked, as they moved the woman out of the elevator.
"Yeah." She confirmed.
Noticing the red stain growing by Joan's legs, Helena requested. "Alright, guys, let's just stop for a moment. Please."
"What's happening?" The patient asked.
"There is a little bit of bleeding, which is normal after delivery, but we just want to get you checked out before surgery, ok?" Helena smiled reassuringly, carefully taking her baby from her lap.
"No, no. What are you doing?" Joan asked, growing alarmed. "What are you doing with my baby?"
"We just need to take him for a little while, ok?" Helena soothed, motioning for Edwards to come get him.
"No, please! We were crushed in a car, my fiancé might be dead! You're not taking my baby! Please!" She cried out.
"Joan, your baby's doing fine, ok?" Callie reassured. "We just need to check you out."
"Take him to the NICU, ok?" Helena told the resident, who walked away with the baby.
Then, approaching Callie, she whispered. "It seems like uterine atony. We need to go faster."
"We move fast and we paralyze her." The woman told her.
"We move too slow and she'll bleed to death." Helena explained, as they resumed their movement.
——
"Alright, catheter is working and the bleeding has stopped." Helena announced, taking off her gloves, in the OR.
"No tear in the dura, amazingly." Amelia let out. "So, an intern opened her collar?"
"Ugh, stupid." Callie rolled her eyes.
"Was that the intern we thought was an attending?" Helena asked.
"You mistook an intern for an attending?" Amelia asked.
"Well, he was pretty much running the trauma." The short girl shrugged. "DeLuca, I think he was called."
"Like a boss. Like a hot, hot boss." Callie chuckled. "Somebody should get into that."
"Maybe you should." Helena suggested.
"You know what?" Callie looked to Amelia. "You should get into that."
"I don't think so. I have started a strict no workplace dating policy." The neurosurgeon informed. "It's all too... you know? They see you, all of you. Then they come to work and they see you here, too. And you try to keep it professional and get things done, but suddenly you're thinking... 'I was naked on you before.' Or 'I wish you were naked now.' 'Hey, remember when you were there at my very rock bottom and I went down the rabbit whole and dragged you in with me and bared the darkest parts of my soul to you in the midnight hours? So, now let's have a budget meeting.' It's a solid policy. Trust me."
"Well, it worked for me." Helena shrugged. "When Mark wasn't trying to get me to sleep with him in an on call room, of course."
——
At the end of the day, Helena sat on a bench, in the hospital chapel. Richard and Catherine's wedding had been pushed back, since they had been both needed in the OR.
Now, she watched the couple's first kiss, everyone cheering around her.
She didn't remember ever actually crying at a wedding. She'd never been like April, for example, who sobbed by her side. It was so typical of her friend, that the brunette had remembered to grab tissues beforehand.
Helena wasn't like that. She smiled, and she clapped, and she cheered. Perhaps she'd had a tear at the corner of her eye once or twice. But she'd never cried.
This once, she did.
She missed her Mark.
——
After the wedding, April asked Arizona and Helena to stay behind. She revealed to them that she'd told Jackson that she wanted to return to the army, and he'd threaten to break up with her.
Now, the brunette and the blond held the woman's hand, who sobbed onto Helena's shoulder.
"I know." Arizona whispered comfortingly. "I know, I do."
"Shhh." Helena calmed, running her hand up and down her friend's back. "We've got you."
——
"Hey." Helena let out, approaching Meredith at the back porch of her house, glass of gin and tonic in hand. "The baby sitter has just told me the kids are asleep."
"They are? Good." She gave her a tight lipped smile. The two fell into silence for a moment, before she added. "I should have called. Before and after I left."
Again, there was a moment, Helena taking a sip of her drink, before nodding, looking down to her glass. "Yes. Yes, you should have."
"And I should have checked in on you. I should have made sure you were ok." Meredith recognized.
"You should have." She repeated.
"I was selfish."
"No, Mer, I know what you're going through, I didn't mean to-" Helena looked up to her person, shaking her head.
"No, no. I was. And I was an ass."
"Fine, ok. A little bit, you were." The woman confessed, a small smile on her lips, making Meredith chuckle.
Just then, they heard a small sobbing sound coming from the other side of the porch, making Helena furrow her brows in worry as they both got up.
"What is wrong?" Meredith asked, seeing her sister crying over her drink. "And don't say you're fine!"
Sitting down by the woman, Helena placed a comforting hand on top of hers. "Maggie? Hey, what happened? I-is everyone ok, d-did someone die or...?"
Maggie took a deep breath, before revealing. "My parents are getting a divorced. My mom called and told me today. She's been having an affair with the man that services their cars... for 11 years."
Meredith's eyes widened at that, as Helena let out, a mix of shock and relief. "Oh... that's- oh."
"He's been servicing their cars and my mom." She nodded. "And my dad found out about it years ago and he was enraged, and he stuck with it. For me. Because I was... still in town. I was always around. You know, so they held it together for the kid. Classic. Except the kid's a grown woman. They wanted to preserve my happy, ideal... pathetic, crap-filled lie of a childhood!"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Meredith sat by Helena.
"You could have told us." The brunette nodded. "I'm really sorry."
"Your husbands died... and I'm crying like a seven year old over mommy and daddy." She shook her head.
"Hey, don't say that." Helena reprimanded. "Someone's pain doesn't take away from your own, that's not how it works. Your feelings are valid."
"I-I just didn't grow up like you. I've never lost anyone. I've never even had a cat die. I still have all my grandparents. There's no darkness in my life. Just... I've never had it. So I'm not gonna come talk to either of you about it." Maggie shrugged.
"Well, you should always come talk to me..." Meredith told her. "Because whatever it is, chances are, I've seen worse. And I am qualified to tell you how you'll survive. You should always come and talk to me."
"Plus, it makes us good listeners. And, hey, if all else fails, I make pretty good comfort soup." Helena smiled, making Maggie chuckle.
As Amelia approached them, eyes red and puffy, Helena asked. "You ok?"
"Yeah." The woman exhaled, sitting by Maggie and asking her. "What are you crying about?"
"What are you crying about?" She repeated.
The four women stared into the house for a moment, before Meredith let out. "Derek would have loved this. He came from this big, noisy family. I want this to be my last memory of this house. It's what he wanted: to fill it with noise and people."
"Mark would have asked me to put on his tie for him." Helena nodded. "And then he'd sweet talk me and dirty eye me all night, because I'm in red. He loved when I wore red. And he'd asked me to dance. There would be loads of bad dancing."
At that, Meredith shot the younger girl a look, making her gasp, in understating. "Yes! We're dancing it out."
"What?" Amelia asked.
"What does that mean?" Maggie furrowed her brows.
"Let's go." Meredith encouraged.
"Oh, I've missed dancing it out." Helena smiled.
——
Word count: 3570
AN:
What do you think of the Meredith and Helena fight?
As much as it was fairly solved, I think you will see in the following chapters there will still be a little bit of underlying tension between the two.