kageyama's pov—
for as long as he can remember, kageyama has had a voice of reason.
there was always a small voice in the back of his head, always telling him what he should've done—what he could've done.
like that time he lashed out at his teammates. {which time, tobiyo? it's happened a quite lot-} his voice of reason was there, telling him to shut the fuck up.
he didn't listen.
or, like that other time when he could've talked to his upperclassman with respect. he could've been mature about everything...but instead, kageyama decided to ruin all chances of ever having an okay-ish mutual friendship (or acquaintance-ship. let's be real, they'll never be friends) with toru oikawa.
his voice of reason was there, too.
and kageyama didn't listen.
or, maybe. like that time...every time it involved her.
kageyama could've listened to that small voice in the back of his head. he could've listened to the voice telling him to apologize. to get over himself and admit that he's never forgotten—that he'll never be able to forget. to simply admit the three words he's wanted to say for two years.
he didn't listen to that voice.
kageyama's voice of reason was a voice that he never listened to.
(well. maybe if he just listened to that small voice, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, would we now?)
it goes without saying that everyone has reasons.
what lies behind any action is the shadow of a reason. it might not be a pretty reason, but, it's there.
and as much as kageyama doesn't want to admit it, there's always a reason.
jealousy.
anger.
insecurity.
neglect.
it's suffocating.
for tobio kageyama, these reasons are suffocating.
and they are the pillars that bind around his wrists as he frantically tries to run towards her.
the anger has never left him. neither has the jealousy, hatred, or regret.
but what kageyama can no longer separate, after all this time, is who he's angry at.
kageyama didn't know if he was mad at her, or if he was mad at himself.
maybe deep down, the real answer of how much he aches for her scares him more than anything he's ever felt.
so much that it's suffocating.
and as kageyama continued to suffocate, he ran.
he ran past campus, past people, past buildings.
he ran because, at that moment, it was the only thing left that he could do.
his entire existence was focused on trying to find one person.
a person that he couldn't afford to lose.
where is she?
kageyama stopped and dialled her number again.
he didn't have the patience to listen to the monotone buzzing of each ring. he didn't have the patience to be met with the same robotic voice at the end of each call.
voicemail.
every damn time.
his grip tightening around miya atsumu's phone, kageyama's scanned the last text that atsumu's received from her.
✰
y/n y/n
[ 9:39 pm ]
hey taumu.
if i don't cime back to dorms
tomight, don't worey about me.
seen
✰
y/n l/n was a pre-med student.
the whole world knew this.
now, kageyama might not know much in terms of pre-med...but there was one thing he was certain about.
and it's that there's something really fucking wrong when a pre-med student is making grammatical typos.
there was a short list of why the typos existed, and the thought of each of those reasons was enough to drive kageyama insane.
the images that filled him burned.
it scorched his heart like never before.
and kageyama needed to find her.
but no matter how many times he texted her from atsumu's phone, it was always 'delivered'.
that probably hurt the most, if he was being honest.
she must've muted it—or turned it off.
...fuck.
and to make things worse than they already are, kageyama's voice of reason is currently screaming at him with no mercy.
it's your fault.
it's always your fault.
his voice of reason was right.
kageyama knew that.
it was always because of him.
the panicked boy ran a hand through his hair as he ran through the streets of kyoto uni.
where could she possibly go?
who could he possibly call?
how could he possibly explain?
as kageyama tuned out the screaming voice in his head, he scanned through atsumu's contacts.
his hand rested above the one name that gave him the smallest sliver of hope.
✰
"hello? ohmygod atsumu? this is like the first time you're calling—,"
"this isn't atsumu," kageyama stated in a flat tone.
there was a silence that filled the line.
kageyama heard minho's voice grow cold from the other end of the line.
"are you that dick—is this kageyama?"
kageyama rolled his eyes. "yeah. yeah, now—,"
"why do you have atsumu's phone?" he interrupted. "why the fuck are you even—,"
"listen," kageyama silenced him. "is your girlfriend with you?"
there's that word again.
the constant reminder.
minho paused. "no, she's not, why? we're gonna meet up to go get din—wait," he paused again. "how is this any of your business again?"
but kageyama wasn't even listening anymore.
as soon as the answer became 'no', he's lost all interest.
finding her was priority one.
what if she's...
"call atsumu's number if y/n shows up at your dorm," he said at a fast pace, his finger nearing the 'end call' button.
"the fuck, what's going o—,"
in another world, kageyama would probably feel guilty about cutting someone off the call.
just...not this world.
he immediately ended the call, resuming the search of where-the-fucking-hell-could-she-possibly-go?
kageyama was two seconds away from losing it.
two fucking seconds.
what distracted his almost-breakdown was a small telephone ring.
please. please be—
kageyama swore internally as his eyes scanned the contact name.
of course.
it was the exact phone call he wasn't looking for.
it was the exact phone call that would make everything fifty times worse, if that were even still possible.
nonetheless, he answered.
"hey miya~~ it's me—,"
"get lost."
kageyama could hear immediate movement at the other end of the line.
he was met with a completely different voice—the friendliness from two seconds ago completely evaporated.
"why the hell do you have miya's phone?"
the angry voice echoed through kageyama's ears.
"do you know where y/n is?" kageyama questioned instead.
"do i know—why do you care?"
"i'm not fucking joking," kageyama snarled. he paused for a second before softening his voice. "please, oikawa. just this once...do you know where she is?"
oikawa laughed, the coldness hitting kageyama even from across the line. "go fuck yourself. i don't know where she is, and even if i did, i wouldn't tell you."
kageyama glared at the phone as oikawa ended the call abruptly.
bitch.
the voice in kageyama's head was screaming again. wow. good one! just keep adding fuel to the flames. there you go, fucking everything up again.
to the panicked boy, all hope was almost fading.
he's called everyone.
every single person who might have any idea of her whereabouts...kageyama has already called them all.
not a soul knew where she was.
and there's no way y/n would answer atsumu's phone if she already muted her number.
wait...
and there it was again, in all its glory.
another rare 2% moment from tobio kageyama.
it was like a sudden light bulb moment went off in the boy's head.
it was clear, wasn't it?
y/n had more than one number.
✰
"hhheello~?"
kageyama sighed in absolute relief.
"y/n i—,"
she giggled. "you know my name?"
kageyama's heart contracted at the sound of her voice.
"of course, i—,"
y/n interrupted him. "is this my delivery—is this my delivery person?" she slurred her speech.
"no, this is—,"
"oh. then bye bye~~"
she hung up.
hearing the monotone buzzing of the ended call, kageyama groaned.
(he was about to lose it again. in one-point-six-nine seconds.)
of course she ended the call. honestly, kageyama didn't blame her. if he was in her shoes, he'd ignore himself too.
but why would she not even know my voice?
...wait.
kageyama paused.
and it was at that moment that kageyama realized.
her voice.
oh, god. her voice.
slurring her words together, sounding unbelievably happy, an almost completely different personality...
she's drunk.
she's fucking drunk.
kageyama sighed, feeling the panic emerge inside of him again as he re-dialed her school number.
this was ten times—no, ten thousand times—worse than what he expected.
the seconds tore away at him until her voice echoed through his ears again.
"smooth like buttaaaa~"
kageyama couldn't help but want to laugh.
he didn't.
"y/n?"
"ah!" she hiccuped. "you know my name too?"
"yeah i'm—," kageyama broke off. "are you drunk?"
he could hear another giggle.
"nuh-en! i don't drink~ nope. not drunk~"
kageyama mentally sighed. "are you alone?"
"so alone," she hiccuped again. "so alone that i'll liggghtt it up like dyyynamitee~~"
yeah, okay. there was no way kageyama would be able to get anywhere near a clear response from her.
not in this state.
"i'm your delivery guy," kageyama sighed. "can you tell me where you are—or what your surroundings look like? so i can deliver it?"
that comment seemed to lighten her mood.
"ooh! is it my wendy's order?"
"yes."
"oh. then i don't want it. i only like taco bell."
this girl—
"i have taco bell too," kageyama said in a hurry. "just tell me where you are."
"mmm," she sighed. "i'm not sure."
kageyama honestly wasn't even sure how he was even still alive anymore. { it's okay. neither are we. }
"what do your surroundings look like?"
"uhh, i dunno. but ooh! did you know?" she giggled, "that one quarter of your bones are in your feet? and that your left kidney is higher up than your right kidney~?"
kageyama let out a laugh.
she was a pre-med student all right.
"what do your surroundings look like?" kageyama repeated patiently. "i need to know...for your taco bell, remember?"
she paused. "well. there's people, and shiny lights, and a road and cars!" she continued on. "but ohmygod did you know?"
"know what?"
"i read somewhere that giraffes can be gay!" she sobbed. "it's so beautiful."
kageyama almost snorted. "yes, i wholeheartedly agree. very beautiful. now, can you keep describing where you are?"
but before she could say anything, it all hit kageyama.
it hit him like a punch to the gut.
"are you at the bar?"
"ooh? you're here too? tacooo~ bell~~~"
well, there goes all of the reason in kageyama's life.
it all went to hell.
✰
what a mess.
the situation. his life. school. his life. his friends. his life.
everything was a mess. pretty much the moral of kageyama's life is that it's a mess.
the only thing not a mess being...her.
because, even as kageyama ran into the bar like his life depended on it, even though everything in his life was going wrong, she still looked perfect.
she was the only thing that wasn't a mess.
well, that is, until kageyama spotted the five bottles of alcohol carelessly thrown next to her.
oh, fuck.
"y/n!"
she turned, looking at kageyama dead in the eye.
she squinted. "who are you?"
kageyama cleared his throat. "i'm the delivery guy."
"ooh!" she jumped. "my taco bell!"
kageyama knew she wasn't going to land before her feet even left the ground.
jumping in a bar is never a good idea.
and it's especially not a good idea when being head-over-heels drunk.
she stumbled right into the arms of a stranger as she almost plummeted to the ground.
"oh my god, are you okay?" the stranger asked.
y/n smiled widely. "you're pretty~ i'm in love with you, kaashi."
heart-shattering, almost.
that's enough.
in one smooth motion, kageyama grabbed a hold of her wrist, dragging her out of the bar and into the night.
✰
"hey!" she yelped. "who the fuck are you? you're not my delivery guy."
kageyama held onto her. "no, maybe i'm not. but i'm going to take you somewhere that's not a bar."
"why?!" she pouted. "i was just with kaaashiii~ kaashi is the prettiest of them all—,"
"shut up," kageyama glared slightly.
y/n furrowed her eyebrows. "tsk. you're not nice. i want kaashi instead." and then she started thrashing in kageyama's grip. "i want kaashi!"
"oi!" kageyama held her wrist. "stop doing that!"
"no! let me go to kaashi."
kageyama put a finger to her lips. "hush. come on, i'll take you back to your dorm."
"no," she hiccuped.
"why not?"
"i don't wanna."
"come on. we're going."
"no!"
"why?"
she buried her face in kageyama's neck. (kageyama wanted to die. he wanted to fucking die.)
"suna's gonna kill me."
kageyama paused.
well, she's not wrong.
kageyama sighed. "what if i piggybacked you?"
y/n's eyes lit up. "really?"
"mm," kageyama hummed as he knelt down. "hop on."
she hesitated. "n-not to my dorm, right?"
"i suppose not."
a wide smile appeared on her face. "you're like my very own jungkook!" she wrapped her arms around kageyama's neck. "let's go~!"
as he sighed for the millionth time that night, kageyama realized that he was unable to keep the smile off his face.
"jungkook huh? he's nothing compared to me."
✰
"okay. here's the bed."
she held on tighter, keeping her arms around kageyama's neck.
"no, idontwanna. i'm comfy here."
"but i'm not," kageyama smiled gently. "come on, let's get you to bed. then you can have a good night's sleep and go to class tomorrow."
"nuh-en," she cried. "classes mean responsibilities," she slurred her words. "and i've had enough of responsibilities. to shit—to shit with responsibilities!"
kageyama gently placed her on the bed.
"you're going to have such a bad hangover tomorrow."
"mm."
"goodnight. you're in my dorm...but don't worry," kageyama paused. "i'm sleeping on the couch."
kageyama wrapped the blanket around y/n.
"sweet dreams," he smiled. "we're going to talk soon. and we'll explain everything. together."
y/n looked at him with bambi eyes. "you're my jungkook?"
kageyama laughed lightly. "goodnight, y/n."
just as he turned to leave, he felt a hand grab onto his.
"don't leave. please."
kageyama's eyes widened as he saw tears form from her eyes.
"everyone leaves," she sobbed. "please, don't."
kageyama could feel his heart break.
"oi, i'm not leaving. besides, i doubt you'd want to be anywhere near me tomorrow morning..."
"don't leave," tears streaked down her face. "do you know what i've been through?"
he fell silent.
if only you knew...
"the boy i loved now loves someone else," y/n sobbed. "and that someone else is a fucking backstabbing bitch."
"he never even looked at me," she continued to cry. "he's never even... looked at me."
she broke off before continuing. "i thought i healed. i—i thought i..." she stopped. "this hurts," she sobbed,
holding onto her chest. "i can't...i can't do it. i can't. i can't forget, i can't—it fucking hurts."
it took less than a second for kageyama to wrap his arms around her.
to finally close the distance he forced himself to create.
"don't cry. please. don't cry," he whispered into her ear in a weak voice.
he knew that it'd never be okay. for either of them.
"this boy of yours sounds like a jackass."
"he's not mine," y/n cried into kageyama's chest. "he'll never be mine. i don't...i don't have anyone."
kageyama wiped away her tears. "you have me," he whispered. "i promise."
"i don't want you!" she yelled. "i want him. but...he doesn't feel the same way—don't you understand—,"
kageyama stopped y/n's outburst by pulling her even closer to him.
nothing has ever felt like this.
everything she's saying, everything they've become...
it all hurt.
do it.
he was close enough to her that he could count the eyelashes on her tear-streaked eyes.
do it.
his face was inches away from hers. hell, it was less than an inch.
it was mere millimetres away.
do. it.
kageyama couldn't do it anymore.
he couldn't just leave her like this—he couldn't leave them both like this anymore.
broken and torn.
because of him.
because of his own fault.
i did this.
"do you want to know something?" kageyama whispered, staring right into her eyes.
y/n's eyes blinked in confusion.
he could hear that voice in his head. it was gentle, now.
and it asked him, isn't it finally enough? isn't it worth it all? in the end...shouldn't it be okay?
it was enough.
and without another word, kageyama allowed him to feel.
to drown in his emotions of hurt, joy, regret... unknown.
he allowed himself to sink into the depths of her eyes.
he allowed himself to listen. to simply... just listen.
kageyama reached forwards, taking off the shield from his heart.
he reached forwards, knowing that even in a million years, no one else could ever compare.
leaving behind the distant past, kageyama listened to his heart.
"i loved you too."
and with that, he leaned in.
☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .
author's note~
loved.