When it was 6:47 I decided I wanted to go train for a little bit after being awake forever and I was beginning to get bored. The tower was still completely silent which was unusual for everyone, but they all had a rough night.
When I was in the gym I focused on strength mostly this time, after warming up by running for a while I started lifting weights and training my legs, arms, etc. trying to gain as much strength as I could get in a short period.
In the end, I was aching but it felt nice to feel that again after a long time. I was still sweaty but went to the kitchen to drink something and ended up making a smoothie, so that was breakfast at the same time.
I was overthinking the situation about Loki all night and I was hoping for dear god things wouldn't get awkward between us or the group for that matter. I was sitting outside on the balcony in front of the living room seeing it was beautiful weather.
I heard groaning and the coffee machine so my first guess was Tony, I looked around to confirm my guess and saw Tony holding his face while drinking water and taking pain medicine. He grabbed his coffee and sat next to me on the couch outside.
"Goodmorning," I said happily to annoy him. He looked at me like he would punch me if he had the energy. "Hello," He said fake smiling.
"Okay I'll be leaving now, please behave and don't break the tower," Pepper said, she was wearing a posh outfit and a small handbag, probably going to the office or something. They kissed goodbye and Tony smiled when she left which was adorably amusing to see.
"Don't look at me like that," He groaned after she left and I was grinning at him. "What did you break?" I asked jokingly.
"Just a door and a mirror," He said defensively. I laughed at him. "How the hell did you do that?" I asked calming down.
"I don't remember," He said sarcastically smiling.
'Ohw ew'
"Did you think about it?" Tony asked after a few moments of silence. "About?..." I asked not knowing what he was aiming for.
"Going to school," He said. I did actually, I didn't know what to expect, I would probably look very dump, I would stand out in between freshman kids. I explained to Tony what my thoughts were and he completely understood that would be a weird situation.
But we came up with a clever solution; I would be sent to school with a fake background as an internship to my study to become a director. I would get tests at different moments and students won't see me as a fellow student even the teachers wouldn't know I was actually learning everything.
I would be put in random classes so they didn't suspect anything. Hell, I even would eat in the tutors' cafeteria. Tony told me he would make sure it would happen. I was thrilled and panicked at the same time to go to school.
'It will be okay'
Tony finished his coffee and me my smoothie and I went to put the dishes away when Steve walked in back from his run. "How was your run?" I asked. He took a glass of water and drank it empty before answering.
"It was good, I met someone on the way," He talked. I frowned my eyebrows and smiled. "Is she pretty?" I said jokingly. He looked at me smiling in disappointment.
"He used to be in the army, seemed nice," he explained. I chuckled and made a sad face as if I was disappointed he didn't meet a nice woman.
"Celene, I know you have a history but can you please explain what happened?" Steve asked sitting down and gesturing for me to sit next to him. I set next to him on the char on the kitchen island mentally preparing myself to talk about the princess downstairs.
"I only knew him as the winter soldier, he was the first one I saw when I was taken from my dad's house, and the last person I spoke to in my cell before they took me for the experiment," I started. Steve had all his attention on me and kept nodding for me to continue.
"He was ordered to train me almost all the time since the beginning, but I was just a little girl who didn't have any strength or experience, he worked me until I was unconscious on the floor, when I got better at fighting and had more strength he taught me how to kill, went on missions with me and kept training me until the very end until I was stripped from that too," I continued. Tony joined at listened carefully.
"I always knew there was another side of him, I still do, but every time they would wipe him and he would return to this soulless cold man who only tortured me. When I saw him again I just got... scared..." I explained not looking at them. When I looked back up at Steve he had puffy eyes and nodded in understanding.
"I understand it's a lot, I know he's still in there, it's just hard, one moment he's his old self, the Bucky I knew who went out dancing on Saturday nights, and then he doesn't even remember me," Steve said, I could hear the hurt.
"You thought you lost him in the war, and he's back but he's gone, I get it that you want to have him back, but it's hard for him too, his brain knows he will get tortured when he admits he remembers you," I explained which seemed to ease Steve a little bit.
"Can't you talk to him?" Tony suggested. Steve and I both looked at him questioning his sanity. "If you can handle it of course, but you can show him he's not controlled anymore, and it sounds like you are the only one he knows, and maybe it will get you some closure too," Tony explained further. Steve and I looked at each other hearing that's not even that bad of an idea.
"Sure I will shower and then go," I suggested. Tony looked shocked that I agreed on such short terms and Steve just nodded at me confirming my idea.
"Maybe you shouldn't go so soon," Tony explained. I ignored him and excused myself before leaving for my room. I heard Tony already arguing about this, but if he didn't agree he shouldn't have suggested it.
I took a shower and changed into my outfit for the day
I needed to feel comfortable and confident to do this so black it is. I decided to check up on Loki before going to see how he was doing seeing I haven't seen him today. I arrived at his door and knocked softly on the door.
"Who is it?" I heard him softly yelling. "Me," I yelled back questioning why he was yelling.
"Come in," He told me and I walked into the room but didn't find him in his actual room. I looked to see where he was but saw him walking into the bathroom and feeling the warm air from the shower in the room. I saw him putting on a shirt before walking out and closing the door of the bathroom and walking towards me.
"Goodmorning," He said snapping me out of my stare which I didn't know I was in. "Morning, how'd you sleep?" I asked a little bit nervous on the inside, but I didn't want to act weird.
"Perfectly fine how about you?" He asked and I just looked at him as an answer and he knew what I meant by his worried face. "I'm fine... but I do have some news to tell you..." I started. Loki stood before me crossing his arms waiting for what I was going to say.
"I'm going to school, probably, they won't know I'm a student but an intern, so that's one," I explained. "That's great news darling," He said smiling.
"Yes! And I'm going to Bucky right now," I spat out dryly. Loki's face went from a normal one to a you-are-joking-right face. I just smiled awkwardly confirming I wasn't joking.
"Why would you do that?" He asked irritated. "It will help him, and maybe me, and Steve, and it will just give us more information," I started explaining but Loki still didn't look too happy about it.
"So you're doing it for the others and not for yourself," He said coldly. "Loki I do want to do this, it could get me some closure, it would be the first time lol," I said the last part jokingly. After I said this Loki sighed but his face softened.
"Do what's right for you darling," He said reassuringly. "I am," I said smiling. He smiled back and I told him I would see him later before I walked out. I needed a minute in the elevator to calm down before going to... Bucky.
I walked to the living room and saw Steve and informed him that I would get going and he walked with me so he could watch and help if needed.
"Tony doesn't think this is a good idea," Steve said.
"Well, it was his idea," I sighed. We arrived on the floor and walked towards our destination. He didn't let me go in the room with him but he would be in a... cage. Steve didn't agree to that either but it was the only term Tony agreed.
I waited with Steve until he was fully settled to watch and told me I could go, but I stood there still looking at the man on the camera footage, afraid of which version of him was behind that face.
"You really want to do this?" Steve asked looking at me worriedly. I nodded in yes and took a breath and stepped into the room. It was a big empty room with a glass cage made for the hulk, but now he was in there, still in hydra armour.
When I walked in his head went up and he looked shocked and scared sitting on the small bench in the room as the only furniture.
"Don't worry I won't hurt you again, if you call me Celene," I said as calm as possible. He nodded his head in agreement which made me more calm and confident.
I sat down on the chair in front of him on the other side of the glass, he sat down more openly and I saw how dirty he still was, with dirt and dried blood on his face and body. I got a little into a trance looking at him trying to calm my mind down but it was hard.
"Why are you here?" He asked softly.
"To ask you a few questions, and just talk really, are you okay with that?" I asked calmly. I didn't know how I was so calm and polite, guess I just developed a new coping mechanism, nice. He nodded yes again so I looked down to the little paper with a few questions so I had something to fall back on.
"Could you please tell me your name?" I started. "James Buchanan Barnes," he responded. "What do you want me to call you?" I asked still politely. "Bucky," he stated.
"Alright, Bucky, do you remember this man?" I asked and held up a picture of Steve in his suit. "Yeah, that's Captain America right?" he said unsure but he was saying what he thought he was supposed to say to me.
"That's one answer, there are a lot of right answers here Bucky, I met him as a hero, and now I know him as a grandpa, do you know him as anything else?" I asked still serious but trying to let loose a little bit. "Steve Rogers, I knew him before I joined the army," He said still fearfully.
His eyes didn't make a lot of eye contact which I understood as 'I'm not sure if this is right' because I did that too.
"How did you two meet? did you like him?" I asked. "We grew up together, his mom always made snacks for us, he used to be smaller then, never got any girls," He said more trying to convince me of his truth which I also could understand.
"You were best friends?" I asked smiling. He nodded his head yes.
"Alright well, I will ask more personal questions, but I want you to know that you won't be punished, I won't get angry, and there are no wrong answers, understood?" I explained to him. He waited to think for a moment but I needed to be patient with him, after that he nodded yes again, the fact that he nodded and didn't respond verbally was already progression for him.
"Are you afraid of me, or do you want to hurt me?" I asked him carefully. He was silent for a moment before answering.
"No and I'm not sure," He said hurtful but honestly. "It's okay I understand that,"
"Why are you here?" He asked which surprised me. I gave him a little smile reassuring him it was okay to ask questions.
"Steve is one of the guys who saved me from them, they found me during a mission and they took me with them, here, since then I can owe my life to them for saving me and living here," I explained.
"And they didn't find you?" He asked with more emotion, more fear. "They did, but they didn't have a lot of power here over me, they can try but they won't get me," I explained honestly. I didn't want to lie to him.
"Are you afraid?" He asked. "Yes, but I'm still trying, I keep learning, and I feel safer here," I told him. "Do you remember me?" he asked carefully.
"Yes, most of it I think, long times still have been wiped, but just like you I keep remembering things," I reassured him "Does it hurt?" He asked again. I was shocked by how many questions he was asking, maybe he was manipulating me, but this felt right.
"It did, it still does sometimes, but my life is now more than those memories, and I have people who help me cope with it by being my friends," I explained he just listened carefully every time I gave an answer.
"Are you afraid of me?" He asked softly while looking down. I thought for a moment about the answer and took a breath. "I'm not sure," I told him also honestly. He just nodded his head understanding the answer.
"Are you scared of yourself?" I asked him spontaneously. "Yes," He answered honestly too. I nodded my head now and looked at my paper which wasn't needed anymore.
"Are you okay with staying here, and getting help?" I asked. He nodded his head in yes again and he looked up at me, I could see the trauma and conflict inside of him from his eyes, I felt sorry for him because I knew how he felt because I still felt like that sometimes.
I told him goodbye and that I would come again another day to which he agreed. I walked out of the room to Steve who was looking at me in shock at what just happened.
All of a sudden a wave of emotions hit me and it drained me to... face him like that and I started sobbing out of nowhere. Steve got up and embraced me with a hug and I kept sobbing while holding him.
"It's okay, you did all you could, I'm so sorry we let you do this," Steve hushed me while stroking my hair to calm me down. "No, it was the right thing to do, it's just a lot," I told Steve to reassure him.
'I'm such a baby'
'Crying in front of people'
'We did go low'
'I hate to be vulnerable
'Yes'
Steve just kept hugging me until I was calmed down enough and I let go of him.
"Thank you," I told him and he nodded and smiled at me. I smiled back still half sobbing but I felt overwhelmed, but it did feel right.
It was just like facing my whole hydra past in 15 minutes. It was a lot to progress. I decided not to face the group like this and seek comfort.
Comfort meant Loki.
I knocked on his door feeling drained from emotions not being able to interact normally.
"Come in," I heard Loki say quietly. I walked in and saw him reading on the bed once again, I just closed the door and let myself fall on the bed next to him not saying anything. "That bad?" He asked worriedly. I nodded my head in no which made him look confused.
"We're not there yet but it was good, it was just a lot to handle," I told him honestly hoping he would understand. And he did, he laid a fluffy blanket on top of me and I made myself more comfortable snuggling next to him while he was reading his book out loud which made me happy.
I felt like a little happy kid who had an exhausting day who just got laid in bed, even if it wasn't even lunchtime. I didn't sleep, we just continued to stay like that for a while regaining energy and getting the will to live back.
While Loki was reading to me and I listened I thought about my feelings about Bucky, I knew he hurt me, he gave me traumas, but he was controlled, just like me. He did give me good memories too, the only good ones while I was in there.
When he trained me I always saw another side of him that didn't want to hurt or punish a little girl with no experience, he would always return to more human after haven't been wiped for a while, that's why they kept doing it with him.
It hurt me the most when he walked by to his cell next to mine after being wiped, when I knew he was more machine than human and he would hurt me without regret, and those were the moments I remembered the second I saw him again.
Loki laid one hand on my back and started drawing little patterns on it which felt amazing and comforting while he kept on reading. He let my mind drift away from Bucky and gave me some peace.
'I love little moments like this'
'I only love the little pictures because the big picture is always ugly'
'Shut up and leave me alone'
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I'm officially in love with this chapter bye.
I don't have a ship name for Celene and Loki yet..... maybe.... Bonnie and Clyde, I have no idea, please help me.
Bye darlings <3