•Tahani Lowars•
"Hani"
I sat down on the random bed with my face in my hands. "I don't feel too good." I whispered.
"You look good to me beautiful." I felt his hand creeping up my back.
When I looked up at him everything is blurry. And my words come out slurred. "Whatttt?" He leans over and I feel his lips on mine. "S-stoppp." I try to push him away but it's as if my strength is weakened. My whole body feels like weights that are too heavy to lift.
I tried to fight him off but he wouldn't budged. "Just go with it." I felt his hands in my pants and snatching my clothes off. His body is pressed against mine and he pulled his pants down too. "You so fuckin' soaked." He cursed.
In an instant it was as if that one memory opened up an entire box to so many more. All it took was her sending me a picture. A picture of Keoni laying in the dirt, it was a news article that got leaked showing his body in a body bag. His face on display with a bullet in between. Some things were still a blur but others were crystal clear. I remember that night I was raped. The pain in my chest returning so vividly. I remember arguing with SJ. I remember Seven, and how he used to beat me.
Some memories of Taj are even returning. The thing is if I already knew him months ago why would he say we didn't know eachother? Am I confused?
Part of me is so confused in this moment. It's like I remember so much have so many people around me lying to me. No one telling me the actual truth. Before I know it I'm speaking my mind. "Seven and Keoni." I say aloud. I watch as Taj's grey eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights.
"What?" He asks shock written on his face.
I clear my throat adjusting my body so I'm facing him trying to gather my words. "Their names popped up in my head. Did I know them?" I ask purposely.
Taj quickly shakes his head. "Nah..."
"So I didn't know you?"
This time he hesitates. "We've already been over this Hani. No." He looked me right in my face and lied to me.
And in this moment I can't help but think that maybe it's all for the best. A lot of my memories returned but some things are still a mystery. Like the accident and what actually happened. Or who this mysterious person is texting me. I remember the first time I ever saw Taj, I remember getting my hair washed and seeing him in the kitchen. Besides that I don't remember anything else. I could've simply came across him once. Right? The best thing to do seems to sit back and heal & recover. The truth will reveals itself.
Ain't that what the Bible says? "The darkness will always come to the light" ?
THREE NONTHS LATER
"What? Are you fuckin' serious bro?!" The sound of him raging is loud throughout his moms house. I jump slightly listening as he goes off on his family.
"I-I'm sorry Taj." Monroe sobs placing her hands over her face. She breaks down crying and all I do is sit on the couch staring at the pregnancy test that's on the table.
"Stop it! Okay? She already knows what's ahead of her and she feels horrible." Their mom defends her.
Taj scoffs. "She don't know shit. That's why you telling me this and she ain't."
"It was a slip up." Monroe blurts making the situation even worse. I watch as he laughs before picking up one of his moms vases and throwing it at the wall. It shatters everywhere and we all stare at him with wide eyes.
He points his finger in her face stepping towards her. "Who got you pregnant? Tell me right now I swear to fuckin' God I ain't playing with you." He says seriously. I've never seen him this upset before. He literally looks like he wants to kill someone.
To make a very long story short for the past couple of months I've healed. Some scars are still there and won't leave. Most of them more internal than external. Each night nightmares fill my mind and some days memories almost come to me. I hide it from Taj not wanting to say anything until I remember everything that's happened to me. We've gotten so close. He basically stays over to make sure I'm okay and only goes to work for a couple of hours. I wouldn't let him spend every day with me usual because my brace got taken off and my cast was removed so now I'm fully able to get around normally. Even though I'm liking him being around me 24/7 I have to be cautious about the fact that he has a life of his own. One that can't constantly revolve around me.
As far as the whole pregnancy thing? Basically everything was going good today up until he got a text that I'm pretty sure was accidental of Monroe texting him her ultrasound pictures and appointment dates. From what I'm guessing she meant to send it to their mom but he was the last person she texted and she didn't check to make sure she was sending it to the right person. As soon as he got that text he threw on some clothes and practically dragged me out of the house to come with him.
And that's how we ended up here.
"Boy stop cussin' in my house!" His mother shouts at him.
Taj laughs right in her face. "I pay bills in here, remember?" He looks around the room at his mom and sister. "I pay the bills and get all the shit that's in this motherfucka. And ya know what else I bet y'all expect me to do? Fanatically take care of that damn baby."
"You don't have to do anything it's my baby-" he cuts Monroe off.
"What?" He scoffs. "You sound fuckin' stupid Monroe. You ain't had a damn job ever in life so how do you expect to adjust to having one on top of having a baby? I mean is the dad even in the picture? I bet not. I'm gone end up taking care of that baby just like I'm taking care of y'all asses. Making sure shit straight in this bitch as alwa-" the sound of his mom smacking him across the face sounds throughout her living room.
Out of protectiveness I stand up coming towards him standing beside him to make sure he's okay. He's holding his mouth that now has a cut on his bottom lip and his mom is staring at her with sadness and regret in her eyes.
This time when he speaks he doesn't address his mom but instead addresses Monroe. "I do what I do for y'all. Doing the shit I did in high school wasn't easy but I did what I had to do to take care of y'all. Pops been walked out and I knew I had to be the man and help out the household. You think I wanted to do that shit? No but I did it because we was struggling. And now you got the nerve to look me in my fuckin' face and tell me that even though you're young, unemployed, living off of me and baby farther not in the picture that you got it? All by yourself?" He questions.
In this moment I see the true Torin. The one that from what he's told me used to wake up in the am everyday just to go to the company and work for Issac. Then have to leave just in time to make it to school, juggling homework on top of working for a large international company. Doing things he didn't want to do always because he knew they need it. Even after the way his mom spoke to him he still comes by just to make sure the bills are paid and the lights are on. I watch on a daily as his family doesn't even call and check up on him. They know the dangerous life he lives yet nobody around him cares. It's like everybody wants something for him and he's willing to give it out of love. But in the end he always looks like the bad guy.
Monroe sniffles finally looking her big brother in the eyes. "I'm sorry Taj." And we all knew what that meant. It meant that she did in fact like always need him.
"The street life is changing you. You're unhappy, going through hell, selling drugs. Now you're judging and mistreating your sister." His mom motions to his lil sister.
He nods. "You're right," he agrees with her. "But it's all good as long as y'all can have this right?" He takes stacks of money out of his pocket and takes the rubber band from around it. He tosses all the money in the air making it cascade down onto his mom and sister.
"Ya disrespectful bastard! You know what until you know how to act don't bring ya ass around here no more!" I watch tears fill his mother eyes as she looks at the money and thinks of how her son just disrespected her.
"Mom!" Monroe exclaims crying harder clearly not liking how her family is taking this.
"Ight bet and don't call me for shit. Y'all got it without me right." He reminds her and just like that he grabs my arm dragging me out of their house. I pause when makes it to his car seeing the look on his face.
It's as if this is his breaking point. The moment where he stops being so loving and caring. The moment when he snaps and becomes disrespectful.
Can you blame him though?
"You okay?" I ask cautiously. Seeing how upset he is and how heavy he's breathing.
"That's some bullshit bro! Like for real," he rages. Then once he looks down at me and his grey eyes meet mine his face softens. "I'm sorry you had to see that shit."
"It's okay," I reassure him. "You need a hug?" I feel like I need to do something to try and help and I think talking will only make him more upset. I hold my hands out inviting him for a hug.
His jaw clenched and I can tell he's still mad but he doesn't turn down the hug. Instead he steps towards me placing his hands on my sides he wraps his arms around me pulling me close. My face against his chest and I can smell his cologne. Sensations run up my spine and I can't help but grow nervous. A scary nervous. The last memory I have a guy touching me being in a way I never wanted.
He pulls away just in time looking over his shoulder to see Issac walking up. "Y'all good?" He asks as if sensing the energy.
Taj shakes his head. "Nah I need to get out of here. You got some work for me?" He questions.
I want to frown but I know that he's upset right now and probably doesn't want to be bothered.
Issac nods. "Yeah Com'on. And Tahani I think ya antie trynna hang today."
I nod and we all walk over towards the other side of the street. I just have a bad feeling about today.
•Torin Truman•
"Taj"
"Wassup cuzzo." Ozias greets me as soon as I walk into Issac's office.
I dap him up. "Wassup." I mumble walking over I take a seat on the long couch that's on one side of the room. "Congrats on the baby."
"This lil dude really out here making me a granddad and shit." Issac laughs but says seriously motioning to his son.
I just shake my head chuckling to myself at that. I know all about him and his baby mother. They been through a lot for what I know. Lots of history and definitely lots of love there. That's why he's not always around. He's in and out of town staying with her then comes back to visit family. "Dad you know I love her and I'm gone do right by her." He tells his dad truthfully.
Issac nods. "Shit you better. Because if ya grandpa Tony was here he'd beat my ass and your ass if you didn't."
I hear the door opening and look behind them to see a Asian dude walking in who looks to be around my age. Hair cut low, covered in tats and built kind of like me but a little smaller. "Wassup." He gives everybody a head nod. His voice American and from the sounds of it New Yorker.
"Who this?" I ask motioning to him and standing up.
Issac smacks my hand down. "Quit being rude," he snaps while his son just laughs. "This why I brought you in we all need to talk."
"About?" I question standing up I walk towards the office table taking a seat. Everybody else follows me over Issac sitting at the head of the table.
I listen as he starts explains why he called all of us here. "Well my dumbass son here," he points at Zy. "Wants to start a family and shit. So he doesn't want the stress and worry of a company on his back while raising a child and being there for his girl. And you know my daughter passed. So I figured that I should pass it down to you."
I stare at him with confusion on my face before busting out laughing. "You're not serious right now."
Issac looks at me dead seriously. "I'm deadass. And this is Joey he's been working for me just as long as you and y'all are damn near the same person. I was thinking y'all could both try running the company side by side. Ya know?"
"Nah I don't know," my words cause Joey's face to fill with a frown and Ozias to just shake his head but mind his business. "I get this nigga got a kid on the way and I respect that and all but he ain't the only person with a life. I got a life too and right now I got responsibilities."
"Responsibilities? I remember a time when the only responsibility you had was showing up here. Ain't that what you been wanting and fighting for?"
I nod. "You right," I agree. "But Hani she-"
"Man please don't tell me you turning this down for her." Ozias says with a laugh earning a smack to the back of his head from his dad.
"Look that's my wife's niece and I love her because she's family," Issac starts. "But you can't be out here giving up yo dreams for her. You known for sacrificing everything you want just to be there for the people you love and yeah that shit is cool and all but in the end what about you?"
I scrunch my face up feeling myself get slightly irritated. "What about me? This ain't got shit to do with me this is about Tahani. And right now she really needs me. Shit she really needs all of us."
"She gone be good Naomi gone make sure of that. Now I'm trynna make sure you good."
Everybody is quiet as I sit there and think. Honestly this is all I ever wanted. To get a chance to finally have a permanent spot in this company and make even more money than I'm already making. It seems like a blessing that Ozias decided to move aside so me and Joey can move up but the timing is horrible. It's like lately my life has been getting more and more complicated. I feel myself growing agitated and irritated more often. I love being around Tahani but me being with her constantly is causing issues in my life. I just don't know what to do. And if I'm being honest here taking this opportunity doesn't seem like it'll make things any better.
I feel bad for Joey though because I know that Issac won't let him do this without me. I know Issac looks at me like a son so he wants to pass this down to me.
I just look out the huge wall window that show an entire view of the city. "I'll think about it." I mumble.
•Tahani Lowars•
"Hani"
I step out of the foggy bathroom my tank top and sweat pants big on my body and the cool air of the outside of the bathroom hitting my skin. I walk into the living room to see my aunt sitting on my couch.
"You okay? How you been holding up?" She asks me worry on her face.
I walk over towards the couch looking for the remote. "I'm fine," I lie. "How about you?"
Naomi doesn't look convinced. "I'm good," she's quiet for a while. While she's quiet I take a seat on the love seat and turn the tv on placing the volume on low I flip through the channels. "You been working out?"
I shake my head. "No why?"
"You're losing too much weight niecy. Clothes barely fitting you, breasts getting smaller. You been eating right? You know my money good I can buy you some groceries if you want." She rambles.
I freeze almost dropping the remote from my hand. If I'm being honest my weight is dropping down quickly. I barely eat. At first it started off as two times a day then turned into one now I barely can remember if I ate or not. Then the times I do eat when Torin's around I feel sick to my stomach and end up throwing up. I like to tell myself I'm fine but most days I don't feel like getting out of bed. The memories I remember most being the ones I wish I could forget. They eat me alive on a daily trapping me inside of the house. Only time I feel an inch of happiness being when I'm around Taj. I just don't want to drag him down with me. I researched the car crash and saw that a man died that was in the car with me. I remember him as SJ, another memory came shortly after of us fighting, the car accident, me him and his baby's mother. A little after that is when I stopped eating. And I started feeling this whole and void inside of me. The guilt of Seven's death on my mind overthinking me into an oblivion.
"I been eating I don't know why my weights dropping." I continue to lie. Standing to my feet I walk over deciding to do something to get out of this room for a second. I see Taj has some jeans on the couch. I pick the up and just when I'm about to walk away with them something falls out of the pocket.
I bend down picking it up feeling my heart stop beating momentarily. I stare at the image of that I'm holding in my hand. It's a photo that looks so be old but in good condition. It's of me, I had a little more meat on my skin and my hair was large all around my face, you can see the pink tint on my cheeks as if I'm blushing. Taj dressed in some jeans and a sweatshirt, his hands placed around my waist and he's staring down at me his eyes low almost as if they're closed. Just like that memories started to flood back.
I let my hair fall over my face placing my hands in my pockets. "I never really liked small spaces with a lot of people." I came up with something quickly.
He nods understanding. Tilting his head to the side as he speaks. "So basically you a private school prep angel who never been to a party?" I search his face to see if he's serious and he's very serious.
A giggle escapes my lips. "You make it sound so bad." We make it back inside going back where we were against the wall.
"Sweetheart," he calls me his unique deep voice filling my ears. He lifts a finger moving my hair out of my eyes. "Don't you know sometimes you have the most fun with sinners?"
I grow nervous again feeling my cheeks flush I move away from his touch. Taj licks his lips and stares down at me momentarily before looking away. I look away shyly avoiding his gaze my eyes falling on the teenage girls around me moving their bodies in ways I didn't even know a girl could.
"Ya know people can see you staring." He reminds me and I quickly become aware of that looking away.
"It ain't all bad, ya know? Having fun and dancing. You need to loosen up." He advices.
I quickly shake my head. "I-I don't even know how to do what...they're doing."
"Ain't gone know till you try." He mumbles lifting up off the wall he places his hands back on my hips my body tensing. He moves me so that I'm in front of him and his chest is to my back, his lower half touching my butt. I feel like I'm sinning or breaking some type of rules just by doing this. "Relax." I feel his cold breath against my ear and shivers run down my spine.
I tried my best to relax as he moves his body and mine with it to the beat. His arms wrapped around me as he moves side to side with rhythm.
I didn't even realize I was smiling till it fades. I drop the picture onto the floor turning back in the direction of Naomi. "He knew me? This whole time he knew me and y'all knew?!" I snap at her.
She immediately scrunches her face up trying to explain herself. "Yes Tahani but we hid it to protect you-"
"I can't believe this." I mumble to myself placing my palm on my forehead. All of our memories flooding my mind. Remember the good and the bad, all of it overwhelming and causing emotions to wash over me. I try to go for my phone but she snatched it out of my hand.
"No," she says sternly. "You're not about to call that man and place even more shit on his plate."
"On his plate? Imagine how I feel being lied to? Y'all clearly didn't give a fuck about me." I reply out of anger.
Naomi is quiet for a minute and I watch as her face fills with pure anger and frustration. She's normally so happy I've never seen her this upset before. "Listen here you little bitch," she snaps at me. "When it comes to me and Issac? We have ALWAYS gave a fuck about you. I took the blame for all the shit you've been through because I'm the adult and you're the child. We've never given up on you either. Didn't give up on you even when my punk ass brother was in my face screaming and calling us thugs, for the second time basically since my parents already beat him to it when I was your age. But we still held our ground because we love you."
"I know but-"
She raises her hand silencing me. "Ain't no buts. Because ya know what? I can understand us not giving up on you because you're family that's what family is supposed to do. But Torin? He had a choice all along and each time he chose you. He killed that man and his family for you. YOU! Taj is the first person to check on you in the morning and always makes sure he's there to be the last one in the nighttime. I watched as his happiness was destroyed when his friend Hazel died. I never said anything but I saw that day from the window how you had no compassion. I knew you were going through something but he was too. You were never there for him. You had us to help you but who did he have? We tried to be there but he wouldn't even take the help because all he wanted was you," her face falls and I can see she's sympathetic towards his situation. "He never tried to hide it. He still would call my phone and check on you and make sure you were okay. Still would look out for you even when you hated him. And then when you slammed doors in his face and told him you never wanted to see him again he still marched all the way up to that hospital and offered to take care of you full time. Didn't care about how his family would feel or how you would feel later. All that mattered is he knows you were taking care of now." She rants and after she's done she's breathing heavily.
I'm speechless. I have so much to say yet none of it would fix the situation. "I'm sorry if I call you a bitch it's just that you are one." Naomi tells me bluntly.
I nod a tear falling down my cheek as we take a seat over on the couch. The picture back in my hand. "I know. It's just I wanna be myself again and I don't even know who she is."
My auntie nods understanding what I mean. "I feel it trust me I do niece. I done been there. My hurt will never be no where near as bad as yours but I did lose myself too. And in the end Issac was there and was the only one who loved me. And believe it or not but Torin loves you. He doesn't care of you're a virgin, shy, innocent, hood, proper, it doesn't matter he loves you regardless. Can't you see that?"
I feel my chest tightening just by hearing that. Technically I've been hurting him all along and being selfish. And he's still been there for me treating me with nothing but love, affection and respect.
I hear the front door opening and footsteps being heard. Naomi gives me a look that I know means that I should talk to him. "Mama," he calls out I look up to see him staring at his feet as he removes his jacket. "My bad I'm late coming back. Work was crazy and I'm so tired."
Before he could see it coming I'm running towards him and jumping into his arms. He chuckles a little bit and I can tell he's slightly confused. "You okay?" He asks worry in his tone.
A pout forms on my lips as I pull back.
"Can we talk?"
• • • •
"So just what are you saying?" He asks with his face placed in his hands. He's staring down at the floor while he sits on the bed.
I stand in front of him sighing I try to calm myself down by rubbing my arms. "I'm not okay Taj. I haven't been okay for a while. And you can't save me, you've been fighting to save me but-"
"But what?!" The bass in his voice causes me to flinch and he sees that and his face softens. I can see the regret on it. "You know how much you mean to me. You say you remember right? Then you know all I ever wanted was to look out for you."
I take his hand in mine. "Torin," I whisper. "I know you love me and care about me. And I do too. And if I really truly do then I have to let you go. I can't drag you down with me."
He snatches away from me. "Drag me down? This is what I want. Being around you is what I want."
"But it's not what you need." I clarify. "It's not good for you. Maybe when I'm better then it'll be our time to be in each other's lives-" he cuts me off walking away I try to follow him but he's moving down the steps at a fast pace. "Taj please." I beg. Feeling guilt fill me.
"I can't do this shit." He mumbles snatching his keys off the table I grab his hand before he can storm out and I watch as he avoids my eyes. "Let me go."
"I'm sorry." I apologize again.
Taj shakes his head. "I'm so stupid." His voice is low and his body is tense.
"No-"
"I really thought that...that you would remember and things would be different. But no you remembered and still don't want me around." His grey eyes finally meet mine and he's hovered over me. His eyes search my face and it's like he's waiting for me to say something anything but I don't. He just nods disappointment written on his face as he walks away from me and out of the house.
I know what you guys are thinking. That I'm stupid, lost and messed up. Right? But believe it or not this entire time this is the most smartest and mature decision I've ever made. When all those memories returned all I remembered was how toxic the decisions I made were. In the end I would've dragged him down. I can barely stomach down food, I'm falling into depression and I'm needing of him. And with him he's breaking ties with his family and turning down jobs just for me. I do love and care about him. I can feel it in ways I've never felt anything for anyone. I do think he's my person. That's why I chose to push him away so he can take that job. Right now that's the best thing for him.
It's the best thing for us.