Epilogue
Travis' POV
Sa isang bagsak ng pinto ng aking sasakyan dahilan ng pagsasarado ko nito ay napalingon sa akin ang mga barkada ko.
"Travis!"
Ngumisi ako at lumapit sa kanilang lahat. Isa-isa nila akong inapir.
Nasulyapan ko ang paglapit ni Melissa sa akin. I stopped to watch her come to me. Nang makalapit ay hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi. Hinawakan ko naman ang kanyang baywang.
"Buti naman at nakapunta ka. I thought you won't come," she said sweetly then smiled.
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. "I will never miss this day."
She rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Yeah, right. Of course you won't. Akala ko lang kasi busy ka sa kompanya niyo,"
"I'll go there after this,"
"Travis!" malawak ang ngiti ni Zane nang muli na naman niya akong lapitan. "May good news ako, pare,"
I shot my brows up.
He licked his lips and creased his forehead, seeming so invested in whatever he has to say.
"There's this girl..."
Agad akong naging atentibo roon. Umayos ako ng tayo.
"Grabe. Sobrang ganda, pare. Parang may pumasok na liwanag noong dumaan siya sa banda namin!" he proudly said.
My forehead creased at his exaggerated reaction. Gaano ba kaganda ang babaeng iyon at ganito na lang makapag-react ang isang 'to? Inuuto na yata ako nito, e.
"Really?" tanging nasabi ko.
Tumango siya. "Really. You should see it for yourself and you'll realize I'm right."
Muling tumaas ang kilay ko. "Nandito siya?"
"Oo naman! Kaya ko nga sinasabi sa'yo, 'di ba? New student yata, e. Siya ang puntahan mo ngayon!"
I tilted my head. "Bakit hindi na lang ikaw kung maganda nga gaya ng sinasabi mo?"
This guy. Napaghahalataang pinagtitripan lang ako.
He snorted. "Hindi ako matitipuhan non, pare. Ikaw ang pwede roon,"
I only gave him a defiant look. Umiling siya.
"Tss. Bahala ka. Kung ayaw mo, kakapalan ko na lang ang mukha ko-"
"Where is she?"
Ngumisi siya. Tinaliman ko naman siya ng titig. Nagpauto na naman ako.
"I heard she's a fashion design student so most probably she's in that department building."
Oh. Fashion design. Interesting.
"What's her name?'
Ngumiwi siya. "Iyon nga, e. Hindi namin alam. But I'm sure she's a freshman,"
Umiling ako. "Ang lakas mong mag-rekomenda tapos hindi mo naman pala alam ang pangalan. Are you kidding me? Paano ko siya hahanapin kung hindi ko alam ang pangalan niya?"
"Diskarte mo na 'yon. Diyan ka naman magaling, 'di ba? May clue ka naman, e. Freshman at sobrang ganda. And oh! She's wearing a white sweater and a plaid skirt,"
I sighed. "This better be worth it or you're dead,"
Tumawa siya. "This will surely be the worthiest thing I will ever tell you,"
"Tss..."
Nilingon ko ang ibang kaibigan at nagpaalam na. They were all cheering for me when I left for the FD building. Umiling na lang ako. Mga baliw.
This has been a habit ever since. Noong nag-aaral pa ako, tuwing unang araw ng klase ay naglilibot kami sa buong unibersidad. Finding hot and pretty girls who are also up for games. Flings and no strings attached relationships. I just can't believe I'm still into it up to now that I'm finished with my studies.
Kasama rin dito si Trevor at Jared. But those two are nowhere to be found right now. Si Jared, nagmumukmok sa States. Si Trevor, nagseseryoso sa pag-aaral.
I'm not quite familiar with the FD Building. Madalang lang kasi akong mapadpad dito. For some reason, tourism students appeal the most to me because they are modern when it comes to relationships. Kapag sinabi mong ayaw mo na, irerespeto nila iyon. Wala nang mga kuda. This is the first time I'll try a fashion design student.
Nagtanong tanong ako sa mga estudyante sa paligid kung nasaan ang classroom ng mga first year. Gusto kong suntukin si Zane nang malamang maraming block ang first year! But my persistent side seems to be alive at this moment. Inisa-isa ko ang bawat classroom sa second floor.
At the back of my mind, I was already planning how to punch Zane for wasting my time. Naka-ilang classroom na ako pero hindi ko pa rin nahahanap 'yung tinutukoy niya. Sure every classroom is filled with pretty and sexy girls. Pero wala sa kanila ang nakaputing sweater at plaid skirt gaya ng paglalarawan ni Zane. I could just stop here and try those girls I saw pero nakukuryoso talaga ako roon.
Papunta sa huling classroom sa palapag na iyon ay umiiling na ako. Maybe he's mistaken. Baka hindi iyon freshman o baka hindi siya dito sa building na 'to. Baka iba ang kurso niya...
Napatingin ako sa babaeng nakatayo sa harap ng lahat dito sa huling classroom. My lips parted at the sight of her.
Small face, almond shaped eyes, narrow nose, and thin pink lips. Ang buhok niya ay may kakaibang kulay, parang kulay ng mga mata ko. It almost reaches her waist and on its tips are big, loose curls which I'm not sure if made up. Tingin ko ay natural iyon. Her fair, almost paper white skin reminds me of my mother's. Tila nagliliwanag ang paligid sa kanyang kutis.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanyang suot. White knitted sweater and plaid skirt. Ito 'yung sinasabi ni Zane!
Tulala ako habang pinagmamasdan siyang nagsasalita sa harap. Every twitch of her lips mesmerizes me. Her height is unusual for a girl. Mas matangkad siya kaunti sa mga karaniwan. She's petite but there's something about it that makes me this stunned. And to tell you, I've never been this stunned over a girl before. Man, she looks like an angel!
Nang lumingon siya sa banda ko ay literal na hindi ako nakagalaw. Nagtama ang tingin namin at isa lang ang nasabi ko sa aking isipan. I will pursue this girl.
And I just became more determined when I heard her voice and found out her name.
Giuliani Morven...
Hindi ako nakatulog kinagabihan kakaisip sa kanya. Her angelic face keeps on flashing in my mind. Literal na nanindig ang mga balahibo sa aking batok nang marinig ko ang boses niya. I fucking wanna see her again! Gusto kong murahin ang sarili ko. Sabi ko bago ko siya makita, huling gimik ko na 'yon at magfo-focus na ako sa trabaho. But then I guess I'm wrong...
Hindi ako makapag-concentrate kinabukasan sa trabaho. Hindi pumapasok sa utak ko lahat ng inaaral ko sa kompanya. Her sweet smile is taking over my senses. I groaned and stood up. I will go and see her.
"Do you need to be in love because you're reading a romantic novel?" inosente niyang tanong nang asarin ko siya tungkol sa mga binabasa niyang genre.
Man, pakiramdam ko ay rinig niya na ang pagkalabog ng puso sa lakas nito. Kausap ko lang naman kasi siya! I thought she's a snob but she's not. And she's so soft and prim, like how I perceived her the first time I saw her. Namumula agad ang pisngi kapag tinutukso. She looks fragile and I think I'll go crazy by just thinking about it. Parang ang sarap niyang alagaan.
"May sukatan ba iyon?" she chuckled softly.
Damn, even her chuckle amazes me. Mabuti na lang at abala siya sa pag-iisip kundi baka matakot siya sa akin dahil nakatitig na lang ako sa kanya. Nawawala sa sarili at namumungay ang mga mata.
"All of me... I value them with all of me," she said with so much certainty. "I value their rules, I value their sacrifices, I value everything. They are everything to me, and I couldn't ask for more." she turned to me and smiled. "How about you?"
And from that moment, I knew that if I'm going to really pursue her, I need to change. Dahil hindi siya pwedeng panglaro lang. Hindi panandalian. From that moment, I know this isn't just a simple adoration anymore. This is something else. I'm falling and I won't dare stop it.
Things happened so fast. I enrolled for my masters. Ginamit ang mga koneksyon para lang makapasok na agad kinabukasan. I really think I've gone insane. Wala naman talaga akong plano na mag-masters pa. Gusto ko na agad magtrabaho sa kompanya. But then because I want to see her always and possibly, get close to her, I did. Nagtataka silang lahat pero hindi na ako nagkwento pa.
She let me around her. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako na ganoon o masasaktan dahil ramdam kong kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa akin. But I took it positively. At least I have the privilege to hang out with her, help her with studies, and... meet her family.
I found out that her parents are our family lawyers before. Nagpapasalamat ako na ganoon nga. They are very kind to me. Ang medyo hindi lang maganda ang pakikitungo sa akin ay ang Kuya niya.
Dan was an elementary classmate. I know he knows I like his sister but he's not confronting me about it. I will not hesitate to admit it if ever. He's so protective of Yani that's why I am working hard to earn his trust.
Every day that passes, I fall deeper and deeper. Everything about her is just so beautiful. Her natural sweet scent is so addicting. Her laugh is contagious. How she values her family, how she is so passionate with what she's doing... everything.
But I know I can't pursue her yet. Her family is traditional and I respect their rules just as how much Yani follows it. And that was the time I realized how she changed me. Na kung dati'y maiinipin ako at hindi masyadong nagbibigay ng effort, ngayon ibang-iba na ako. She made me realize that I am capable of waiting and even without her knowing that I am. More importantly, she made me realize that I am capable of committing... of loving.
"Are you... sad because you rejected him?" nag iwas ako ng tingin pagkatapos tanungin iyon.
Little did she know, I'm already so pissed. I just found out that someone fucking tried to court her. Hindi ko alam kung paano nakalusot ang gagong iyon sa akin.
"Nope," she said.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"I'm sad because I will definitely lose a friend," she smiled.
Pumungay ang mga mata ko pero kabadong-kabado na ako.
"He asked me to not to talk to him anymore, Travis. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to avoid him even if he didn't ask for it. I won't be comfortable around him anymore..."
Nag iwas ako ng tingin at napalunok.
This is also one of the reasons why I don't want to tell her what I feel for her. I'm afraid she might avoid me. No. She will definitely avoid me. Nagawa niya na iyon sa kaklase niya, paano pa kaya sa akin na alam niyang hindi maganda ang record pagdating sa mga babae? Maiilang siya. Matatakot. And I tell you, ngayon lang ako naging ganito ka-takot pagdating sa pag-amin.
So, no. I'd rather her treat me as a friend than lose her. Ang tanging magagawa ko na lang ay bakuran siya nang palihim. But I'm certain that one day, I will tell her about it. I'm so sure of that. I won't allow this lifetime to pass without letting her know that I like her. More than that, actually. I just failed to recognize that that 'one day' will take place sooner...
"Happy birthday, Travis," her greeting is music to my ears.
Marahan akong pumikit habang kagat ang aking labi. My system is in a haywire and all I want right now is to kiss her passionately.
"Damn..." I said.
Matagal akong hindi nakapagsalita. I'm feeling how my heart beats faster than usual. And I'm sure it beats for her. Only for her.
Nang makabawi ay tinitigan ko siya. And all I can see is the love of my life. My future wife. The mother of my future children. Fuck. I'm this obsessed.
"Do you... have a gift for me?" kabado kong sabi.
Travis, you need to be careful or else you will lose her.
And when she handed me the cute race car key chain, I lose it. Lahat ng kontrol at pagpipigil na binuo ko para maingatan siya at makasunod sa patakaran ng pamilya niya ay nawasak. I want her. I fucking want her.
But then everyone noticed how I became more inseparable with her, including Dan.
"Do you like my sister?" Dan finally asked the question I've been anticipating for him to ask.
"Yes," diretsahan kong sagot.
Gusto ko sanang si Yani ang unang mapag-aminan ko but then I have no choice. I must pay respect to his brother. And I will never deny it. Ngayon pa.
Mariin niyang ikinuyom ang kanyang panga. Buong tapang ko naman siyang hinarap. Siya panigurado ang pinakamahirap kong makakaharap pagdating dito. Mas mahirap pa kesa kay Tito Ulyssis at Tita Vivian because like what I said, Dan is so protective of Yani. But I have no problem with it. I actually like it. Well I will show him that I'm serious with this. Gaano man kahirap patunayan given my dating history. Hindi ako mapapagod. Yani is worth fighting for.
"Gago ka." mariin niyang sabi.
I clenched my jaw there but didn't speak. Hahayaan ko siya. I understand him. Kung ako, may kapatid na babae, ganito rin panigurado ang magiging reaksyon ko.
"Bawiin mo ang sinabi mo,"
"I'm willing to wait-"
He pushed me with all his strength. Bahagya akong napaatras dahil hindi ako lumaban.
He pointed at me angrily. "Gago ka. I let you around my sister even if I can sense that you like her and now you're going beyond the boundaries. Layuan mo ang kapatid ko,"
I inhaled heavily at that.
"I know your capabilities. Kung naghahanap ka lang ng laro, parang awa mo na, huwag mo nang idamay ang kapatid ko."
Muling umigting ang aking panga roon. And although I don't want to tell it in words but in actions, there is an urge for me to speak up.
"I have pure intentions for your sister, Dan," may idadagdag pa sana ako roon pero hindi ko na lang itinuloy.
He sneered. "As if I believe you. Stay away from my sister from now on. I will never allow you to ruin her."
I gritted my teeth but in the end, nodded.
"Alright,"
I saw how he was taken aback. Pero mali siya ng iniisip.
I licked my lip. "Lalayuan ko siya... pero saglit lang,"
He shifted in annoyance. Nagpatuloy ako sa sasabihin.
"And I will not stay away from her just because you told me to. I will stay away from her to prove a point. Na seryoso ako sa kanya."
But every passing day without her feels like a punishment. Tuwing nilalampasan ko ang table nila sa canteen, para ko na ring sinasaktan ang sarili ko. Lalo na tuwing nakikita ko siyang bigong-bigo dahil sa ginagawa kong pag-iwas. Her eyes would give her away and I will just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her how much I love her.
"Galit ka ba sa'kin?" she finally asked me one day.
Suminghap ako at muli na namang nagalit sa sarili dahil mukha siyang bigong-bigo. Damn, baby. Don't feel upset. Please...
"No," marahan kong sabi.
Malungkot siyang yumuko at gusto ko na lang siyang yakapin at humingi ng tawad sa pagpaparamdam ko sa kanya ng ganito. My baby doesn't deserve this!
"Then why are you... avoiding me?"
I pursed my lips and clenched my jaw. Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahilan kung bakit siya nag-angat muli ng tingin sa akin. Kitang-kita ko kung paano napalitan ng kaba ang bigo niyang ekspresyon.
"D-Don't get me wrong. I-I just really wanna know so I can apologize for it. I won't force you to be with us again..."
Kumuyom muli ang panga ko at nag iwas ng tingin kalaunan. Damn! Damn this! Can I just forge all this and be with her already? Sa ibang paraan ko na lang papatunayan na seryoso ako! This is fucking killing me.
I let out a deep sigh. "I'm not... avoiding you..."
Ngumuso siya. I got distracted by how adorable she is whenever she pouts. Oh, fuck.
"I just..." I looked at me her. "Wanna prove something..."
I'm sorry, baby. This is for us. Soon you will understand. Soon you will realize...
That's the biggest thing I regretted the most. When people noticed we weren't talking anymore, when boys realized I wasn't around her anymore, they fucking tried their luck to her! Sobra-sobrang pagsisisi ang ginawa ko. Lalo na nang muntikan na siyang mapahamak.
Napatawag ako sa disciplinary office matapos kong bugbugin ang nambastos kay Yani. Wala man lang akong maramdamang pagsisisi sa nagawa ko. In fact, if given a chance, I would beat him to death. Pakiramdam ko ay kulang pa iyong naibuhos kong suntok. How fucking dare him harass my girl.
"I'm sorry, Dan, but I will stop this whole thing. Magalit ka na sa akin, pero hinding-hindi na ulit ako lalayo kay Yani. I will never allow that to happen again," sabi ko nang bumisita ako sa bahay nila kinahapunan.
I badly want to check on her kanina pa. Nag-aalala ako. But then I stopped myself because I know she needs some space. Alam kong nagulat siya sa kung gaano ako kagalit kanina. She has seen how I beat that scumbag. At ngayon ay takot ako na baka nag-iba na ang tingin niya sa akin.
Bumuntong-hininga siya. "Ako rin," he shook his head. "I don't want that to happen again... so I'll ask you a favor," he looked at me.
I blankly stared at him.
"Please... please look for my sister. I'm not always here to protect her,"
"You don't need to ask me that. That's what I'm going to do,"
Tumango siya. "Salamat."
And starting from that time, I did not waste time anymore.
"I know you're avoiding me," sabi ko nang mapag-isa kami pagkatapos ng kanyang party.
Akala niya siguro ay hindi ko napapansin ang ginagawa niyang pag-iwas sa akin. Baby, I know even the smallest details about you. But I understand why and I have no plans to clear my name because I've already decided tonight...
Maagap siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. Agad kong dinagdagan ang sinabi ko.
"And I know the reason," namamaos kong sabi.
She swallowed hard. Baby, I know you have a hunch. And your hunch is right.
"Yani..." I licked my lips. "It's true."
Hindi siya nakapagsalita at inasahan ko na iyon. Sa totoo lang ay kabado ako. Kabadong-kabado. But my love for her is stronger than my fear of losing her. Kung hindi niya man tanggapin ito, maiintindihan ko. Ayos lang. I won't lose hope instead, I will start all over again. I will do my best to restore our friendship and just try again after she's done achieving her initial dreams.
I stared intently at her as she caressed the pendant of the necklace I gave her. Sobrang lakas ng kalabog ng puso ko. The anchor necklace looks good on her. Its meaning is just so accurate with her stand in my life. She made me better. She brought out the best version of me. And so she holds my life in place. Like an anchor...
The time I claimed her lips, sigurado na akong wala na siyang kawala sa akin. Every passing day with her feels special. Whenever she lets me hold her hand while driving, when I drive her to school or back to their house, when she lets me hug her or kiss her forehead, I just want to mark her mine. But I know her priorities and I understand it.
"Elaine is just a friend-"
"Damn it! I said leave!"
Umawang ang labi ko sa biglaan niyang pagsabog. My baby rarely loses her temper. Halos mapamura ako nang humarap siya sa akin, umiiyak at miserableng-miserable.
I just got home from a business trip at may usapan kaming magkikita kami sa bahay. Pero pagdating ko doon kanina ay ibinalita sa akin ng guard na umalis din siya agad at ang sabi ni Manang ay nag-uusap lang sila kanina ni Elaine. Kinabahan ako at parang alam na kung bakit.
I tried to hold her elbow but she pushed my hand angrily. Nakaramdam ako ng takot. How insensitive of me. I'm well-aware of Elaine's feelings for me. She's been very vocal about it since then but I just really see her as a friend. I forgot how bad she can be to the girls around me. I'm sure she said things to make Yani upset. Iniisip ko pa lang iyon ay nagpupuyos na ako sa galit. I could offer her friendship but if she's this disrespectful, then pasensiyahan na lang.
"I'm planning to build my own company," I told her my plans one day when we're out for a date.
Hindi kaagad siya nakapag-react. I understand. Ako rin, nagugulat sa mga plano ko. And this plan is not entirely for myself. It's for us. I realized that if I want to marry her someday, ngayon pa lang, dapat nag-iipon na ako. So that if that time comes, I would be able to give her a good life - the life that she deserves.
"W-What?"
Hindi ako nagsalita. Nanatiling nakabaon ang aking mukha sa kanyang leeg. Her scent always feels like home.
"T-Travis!"
She tried to face me but my hug is too tight, all she can do is to tilt her head. Namumungay ang aking mga mata nang magtama ang tingin namin habang ang kanya ay nanlalaki. Halos ngumuso ako. Yes, baby, you heard it right. I will build my own name for us. For us and for our future children.
Everything is smoothly going. Planado na lahat. I get excited every time I think of my plans for us. But like what they say, when you plan and dream for something so much, it will most likely not happen. Hindi ako naniniwala roon hanggang sa araw na iyon...
Dahan-dahan kong ipinulupot ang mga braso ko sa kanyang baywang. Malamig ang balat niya. And it breaks my heart to see her this weak and hopeless. At ang masakit pa, alam kong kahit anong gawin ko ngayon, hindi siya magiging maayos.
No matter how much I comfort her, she won't just be fine. I know because I've been in this kind of situation, too, and I know how painful it is. I just never thought she would also go through this. Mas malala pa nga.
"They told me you haven't eaten yet since after lunch..." itinago ko sa panlalambing ang nararamdaman kong sakit.
Because her pain is my pain, too. Her grief is also my grief. And her tears... are my weakness. My death.
"Wala akong gana," malamig niyang sabi.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Ito ang huling gabi ng burol ni Tito Jaime at Tito Ulyssis. Their convoy were ambushed on their way home and Dan was the only one to survive but in a critical condition. Trevor and I did all we can to help solve the case. But I know... I know that even if justice is already served, it won't lessen Yani and her family's pain. The damage has been done. Her father and uncle are already gone.
Kaya alam ko rin na kahit anong gawin ko ngayon, hinding-hindi ko mapapawi ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. And it sucks. If only I can own all her pain, then I will. Huwag lang siya ang masaktan. Hindi siya sanay sa ganito. She's too soft, too fragile to go through this kind of pain.
I raked her hair and caressed her back. "Feel free to cry at me, Yani. Don't hold back your tears when you're with me. I can't assure you to be fine after crying but at least you get to release your pain," Hinalikan ko ang kanyang buhok. "I know what you're doing. You're pretending to be strong for your mom. I understand. But when you're with me, don't hesitate to show your weakness... Please... I'd do everything to lessen the pain..."
"Feel free to cry to me, Yani. Don't hold back your tears when you're with me. I can't assure you to be fine after crying but at least you get to release your pain," I felt him kiss my hair. "I know what you're doing. You're pretending to be strong for your mom. I understand. But when you're with me, don't hesitate to show your weakness... Please... I'd do everything to lessen the pain..."
I never left her side. This is the time when she and her family needs a lot of people around them. Pero sa bawat pagkakataong nakikita ko siya, parang nawawalan din ako ng lakas. It breaks my heart to see her pretend to be strong for her mother. Naiintindihan ko naman iyon. I actually admire her for that. Pero sana, kapag kaming dalawa na lang, ipakita niya sa akin ang lahat ng kahinaan niya. Because baby, I will do all my best to heal you, no matter how slow the process will be.
"I... I have something to tell y-you..." nag-iwas siya ng tingin.
"What is it?" sa loob-loob ko'y kabado ako.
I sat beside her and placed my arms on the arm and back rest of the couch to be closer to her. Parati'y hindi ako nakukuntento na magkalapit lang kami. I want us to be so close because I want to feel her so much.
"I-Ililipat si Kuya s-sa States... sa lalong madaling panahon..." halos pabulong niyang sabi.
"Uh-hmm,"
It looks like I know where this conversation is heading to. Ganunpaman ay hinayaan ko siyang magpatuloy.
"S-Sasama ako... a-at... hindi ko alam kung kailan kami... m-makakabalik rito..." tensyonado niyang sabi.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita agad. Sumagi na ito sa isip ko pero hindi ko inakalang magkakatotoo nga. I don't know how to react. Pero alam ko naman na kahit ano ang maging damdamin ko rito, sa huli ay wala rin naman akong magagawa. I want Dan to live, just as how much they want him to. And who am I to be selfish? Pamilya niya iyan kaya dapat lang na unahin niya. I don't mind being her least priority. I will always understand. Baby, I will always.
"Take good care of her, please..." malungkot niyang sabi habang hawak-hawak si Lulu.
Tumango ako, hindi pinapayagang maalis ang tingin sa kanya kahit saglit lang. "I will,"
She smiled a bit. Kaunting haplos pa at ibinaba niya na si Lulu. Kinuha naman siya ni Sadie.
Nagtama ang tingin namin. Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga saka siya hinila para sa isang mahigpit na yakap. Yakap ng agad na pangungulila. Yakap ng nagmamahal.
Ngayon ang alis nila patungong States. I'm doing my best to show her that I'm fine with it, kahit ilang araw nang parang may pumupunyal sa dibdib ko.
This is the first time we'll be miles away from each other for a surely long time. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. Pero bahala na. I will compromise. Yani has so much in her plate right now. Ayoko nang dumagdag.
Niyakap ko siya nang matagal na matagal. I familiarized how it feels to hug her thin body. I inhaled her sweet scent that's been my home since then. I will miss her so much. But when I think of it, it will not be really hard. I could go to her when I want to. Kahit ayaw niya dahil iniisip niyang makakaabala iyon sa trabaho ko. I will find ways to be with her.
Nang bumitiw kaming pareho sa yakap ay ngumiti siya, ang mga luha ay nagbabadya sa mga mata. And there I realized na hindi lang ako ang nahihirapan sa pag-alis niya. Siya rin. Damn. Can I just leave my responsibilities here and be with her? I will never think twice to postpone my plans.
"Gagaling na si Kuya,"
Seryoso akong tumango. She won't like it, right? Na iwan ko ang mga responsibilidad ko rito. Pero paano siya? She's my life.
I caressed her chin to distract myself from my thoughts. Baka mamaya ay bumili na lang ako ng ticket dahil hindi makatiis.
"He will, Yani. Just be patient. And don't lose hope,"
She nodded in full determination. Nagkatinginan ulit kami nang matagal. Sa huli ay bumuntong-hininga ako at hinapit ang kanyang baywang. I kissed her forehead longingly.
"Damn, I miss you..." hindi ko na napigilan isang araw nang tumawag ako sa kanya sa FaceTime.
I was thankful we live in the modern world where advanced technology exists. Tuwing nakakausap ko siya sa tawag ay naiibsan ang pangungulila ko sa kanya. Pero hindi pa rin nito matutumbasan na nakakasama ko siya ng personal. But I don't want to tell her that.
She smiled. "I miss you, too..."
"I want to see you so bad," bumuntong-hininga ako.
"Soon... Huwag muna ngayon, Travis. You seem so busy with work. Ano nga palang ginagawa mo pa riyan? You didn't answer my question a while ago,"
Lagi siyang ganito. I could have visited her there noon pa lang unang linggo niya roon pero tulad ng inaasahan ko'y hindi siya pumayag. Iniisip ko minsan na huwag nang magpaalam sa kanya at lumipad na lang basta patungo roon but I know that that would only make her upset and that's the least thing I want to give her right now.
Nagdaan pa ang mga linggo at ganoon ang naging sitwasyon namin. I was contented with it. I learned to be contented with it. When I get to hear her soothing voice, my day is already complete.
I feel happy when she tells me about her day. Kahit alam kong ang iba sa mga sinasabi niya ay pinapaganda niya lang pakinggan para hindi na ako mag-alala.
Ilang beses pa akong sumubok na bisitahin siya roon. Lahat ay tagumpay niyang napigilan. Gaya na lang noong sinabi niya sa aking titigil muna siya sa pag-aaral.
I know how she values her studies so much. And to see her pretending that it's okay for her to stop is a different kind of pain for me. Baby, how many times do I have to tell you that it's okay to be weak in front of me?
Sinubukan ko namang puntahan siya dahil doon pero gaya lagi ay napigilan niya ako. I just never thought that submitting to her will be the reason of my downfall soon.
Dumaan ang mga buwan at dumalang na lang kaming mag-usap dahil mas naging abala siya sa pag-aasikaso sa kanyang pamilya. I understand it. Like what I said, I don't mind if I'm the least on her priorities. I love her and I will always compromise for her. Ayos na sa akin kung mabahaginan niya ako ng konting parte ng buhay niya.
"Sino 'yon?" malamig kong tanong sa kanya isang araw.
Trevor really had to go to my office to tell me what he saw on Facebook. Nang makita ko iyon ay uminit agad ang ulo ko at determinado nang sundan siya roon.
A guy fucking posted Yani's photo on her wall wit the caption "Please, be mine..." What the fuck?
She swallowed hard. "Just a random guy... Huwag mo na lang pansinin..."
Nagkasalubong ang mga kilay ko. "Siya ba mismo ang kumuha sa picture mong iyon?"
"I think so..."
"You're in the hospital on that photo. Does that mean nakakasama mo siya?"
Kalmado ako pero sa loob ko'y kabado na ako at unti-unting nilalamon ng galit.
Maagap siyang umiling. "Hindi, Travis. Uh... his dad is undergoing dialysis here that's why..."
Nagtaas ako ng kilay. "Hindi mo nakakasama pero ini-stalk ka? Kailan pa?"
"Medyo... matagal na..."
The fuck?
"Hmm. And you didn't bother telling me?"
Hindi siya nagsalita.
"Does that guy like you?"
Nagdilim ang paningin ko. Ito ang kinakatakot ko. Yani's so beautiful. It's impossible for guys there not to notice her. At ang kinakatakutan ko'y unti-unti nang bumabangungot sa akin.
"Sinabi niya sa 'kin..."
I clenched my jaw. Yumuko siya. Ngayon, sigurado na akong susundan ko siya roon.
"B-But I already rejected him so there's nothing to worry about and... I told him that I have uh... a b-boyfriend..."
Awtomatikong napawi ang init ng ulo ko sa narinig sa kanya. He told her what? That she has a boyfriend? And who is that? Of course...
Pinigilan ko ang ngisi ko. Damn you, Travis!
"Seems ineffective, huh? He's still bugging you." sabi ko nang makabawi.
She pouted cutely.
"Hmm. Shall I go there now so he'd finally stop- "
"Travis! Huwag na! Wala lang iyon. Titigil na iyon. Mag-aaksaya ka lang ng oras 'pag pumunta ka rito. It's not a big deal,"
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
"Promise!" she even raised my hand. "'Tsaka isang araw na rin siyang hindi nagpapakita rito kaya baka..." she sighed defeatedly. "Please, leave this to me..."
Hindi ako nagsalita. I only grimly stared at her on the screen. But when she smiled, I fucking lost it.
"Fine..." I gave in then muttered a lot of curses.
Pinalagpas ko iyon. I need to trust her, I keep on reminding myself. Isa pa, hindi naman siya iyong tipo ng taong makakayang mangaliwa. I know her. She won't do that. Besides, she hates that boy. And... she told her she has a boyfriend... Oh, damn.
But how could I forget that everyone is capable of doing things you don't expect them to do? Lahat, kayang-kaya na gumawa ng kasalanan. Walang exempted diyan. Even her...
I opened my phone for the nth time only to be disappointed again. Ang hirap palang panindigang ayos lang na madalang na lang kaming nag-uusap. Because truth is, I always want to see her, hear her voice, even if it's just through the phone. I just don't want her to think that I'm too clingy. Pero sana, kahit isang reply lang sa isang linggo. Ayos na iyon. Naiintindihan ko naman siya pero nakakabaliw na talaga.
"Waiting for her call?" hindi ko namalayan ang pagtabi ni Elaine sa akin.
I ignored her and focused on my phone, waiting for a miracle. As much as possible, I don't interact with girls that much especially her. Baka mamaya kasi ay makarating kay Yani at dumagdag pa sa mga iniisip niya when I have been so faithful to her.
Elaine sighed beside me. Nagkayayaan kami sa opisina na lumabas pagkatapos ng trabaho. Hindi sana ako sasama dahil bukod sa marami pang kailangang tapusin ay wala akong gana. But then here I am.
"You know, Travis, long distance relationships are really hard. Mostly, they don't work,"
Kunot noo ko siyang nilingon dahil doon. She smirked and sipped on her glass.
"The distance will surely make one or both tempted. Pwedeng ikaw... Pero pwede ring siya..."
Kumuyom ang panga ko. "That's not true. Hindi lahat, Elaine."
She shrugged. "Well..." she sipped on her glass again. "But what if you're on of those unlucky? Especially that," bumaba ang tingin niya sa phone ko saka nakangising ibinalik ang tingin sa akin. "She seems to cease from communicating with you. Baka... may iba na siya ron?" she tilted her head.
I gritted my teeth. Biglang nagdilim ang paningin ko.
"Don't you ever accuse her of that. She will never do that to me." walang pag-aalinlangan akong umalis doon sa kabila ng mga tawag nila sa akin.
Mainit ang ulo kong lumabas ng club. Pero hindi lang dahil sa mga sinabi ni Elaine kundi dahil sa mga gumugulo sa isip ko.
Yani's already friends with her admirer and whatever I do, I feel uncomfortable with it. She asked me if it's okay with me and I said yes even when it makes me an idiot because I know he likes her. Because I don't want to be toxic. I should trust her because I love her. Ayaw ko siyang pagdamutan ng kaibigan hanggang sa masakal na siya at magsawa sa akin. Especially now that she needs a lot of support system and I'm not beside her.
But my principles crumble down whenever I see her with him. Tuwing nagkakatawagan kami at naririnig ko ang boses ng lalaking iyon sa background niya, nakakalimutan ko ang mga prinsipyo ko at hindi ko mapigilang mag-isip ng negatibo. Pero wala akong sinabi kay Yani sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko at pilit na lang inaalu ang sarili dahil may tiwala naman ako sa kanya.
"Why aren't you answering? Baby, please..."
Inihilamos ko na lang dalawang palad sa aking mukha nang sa pangsampung dial ko ay hindi pa rin siya sumagot. I've not heard from her since last week and I'm already so fucking nervous. Hindi naman siya ganito. Kahit madalang na lang kaming mag-usap ay hindi ganito katagal. Her phone doesn't even ring when I call it meaning, it's dead. I reached out to his uncle Bernard yesterday and even them cannot contact Yani nor her mom.
My heart hammered fast when different kind of scenarios crossed my mind. Paano kung... paano kung may nangyaring masama...
"Fuck!"
Dali-dali kong pinulot ang telepono. Nang sagutin ng nasa kabilang linya ay hindi na ako nagpadalos-dalos.
"Book me a flight to New York. I'll take the earliest."
I know she doesn't want me to visit her but I'm just really this afraid. Uuwi na lang ako agad para huwag na siyang mag-alala. I just really want to check if they are fine. I really hope so because I won't forgive myself if something bad happens to her.
Walang pag-aalinlangan kong iniwan ang sandamakmak kong trabaho na dulot ng kawalan ko ng konsentrasyon nitong mga nakaraang araw dahil hindi ko siya ma-contact. An hour after deciding to follow her there, I was already boarding the plane.
Pagod at puyat ang inabot ko. Idagdag pa ng matinding pag-aalala sa kanya. She's still not answering her phone and I think I'll go insane! Baby, please... Tell me you're doing fine.
Kaya naman nang makarating sa destinasyon ay wala na akong sinayang na oras. A driver sent by my mother when she found out I'm heading here picked me up at the airport. Hindi ko alam kung saan hahanapin si Yani kaya nagpadiretso ako sa ospital kung saan naka-confine si Dan.
Malamig na malamig ang umaga sa New York. But nothing can compare to the fear I'm feeling. Naiinip ako sa byahe at gustong-gusto nang marating ang ospital.
Nang makarating doon ay halos takbuhin ko ang distansya mula sa parking lot patungo sa loob. But my pace slowed down when I saw a familiar face just across where I am. Louell, the boy Yani is talking about is on the floor while hugging Yani. Mabigat ang titig niya kay Yani at bago pa ako makapag-react ay hinalikan na niya siya!
Nagdilim ang paningin ko at para akong makakapatay ng tao. Pasugod akong lumapit sa kanila pero kalaunan ay bumagal nang makita kung paano sinuklian ni Yani ang mga halik niya.
The force I'm about to exert a while ago vanished into thin air. My extremities went weak. Sa sobrang panghihina ko ay hindi ako nakagalaw at wala sa sariling pinanood ang paghahalikan nila.
Hindi ko alam. I was too shocked, too mad to go in between them and beat that asshole to death. Imbes ay tinalikuran ko sila at naglakad na palayo, paalis sa lugar na iyon.
I can't fucking believe it. Kahit anong pagdududa ko noon ay hindi ako nagpatangay dahil sa tiwala ko sa kanya. Then I will see it right before my face? Kaya ba... kaya ba ayaw niya akong pinapapunta rito? Dahil kabit niya ang lalaking iyon at hindi dahil concerned siya sa akin? Fuck!
"Enough of that, Travis," Elaine tried to take the bottle of liquor from me but she was unsuccessful.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na ako sa club na ito. Dumiretso na ako rito galing trabaho. Yes. I overworked in the office but realized it won't be enough to exhaust myself. Wala pang masyadong tao nang dumating ako kanina pero ngayon ay crowded na ito. Minsan pa'y nilagok ko nang minsanan ang alak. The burning sensation immediately spread on my throat down to my stomach. Fuck!
Sinubukan ulit agawin ni Elaine ang iniinom ko pero marahas ko iyong iniwas sa kanya. I just want to get drunk and get wasted tonight. So I wouldn't have a chance to remember how his fucking tongue claimed the insides of her mouth. Fuck it! Bangungot iyon para sa akin na dumadalaw gabi gabi.
Marahas na suminghap si Elaine. Tumayo siya at nakapamewang na hinarap ako. "Stop it, Travis! You're killing yourself!"
"Tss." muli akong lumagok.
I don't know how she found me here. I did not invite any to join me tonight, even Trevor.
Nang mapagtanto niyang hindi ako papaawat ay bumuntong-hininga siya at naupong muli sa tabi ko.
"Fine," she said.
I looked at her. Medyo umiikot na ang paningin ko sa dami ng nainom.
She got herself a glass and drank it at once. Awang ang labi ko siyang pinagmasdan.
"You don't want to stop? Then I'll join you,"
Hinayaan ko siyang samahan ako. I let myself get drunk, umaasang bukas, limot na limot ko na siya. Dahil hindi pwedeng siya lang ang namumuhay ngayon nang normal. Ako rin dapat!
I groaned when I felt my head throbbing so bad. Pumikit ako at tumingala. Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa backrest ng sofa. I feel fucking wasted and this is what I want.
Napadilat ako nang maramdamang pumulupot ang mga braso ni Elaine sa aking leeg. Hinawakan ko ang baywang niya para ilayo siya sa akin.
Even when I'm mad, I won't ever rebel. Damn, I'm not like her. Wow! She cheated on you and all that but you are still that faithful? Ano bang meron sa kanya, huh?
Pero sa kalasingan na rin siguro ay wala akong lakas para tuluyan siyang mailayo sa akin.
"Elaine," suway ko habang nakapikit na ang mga mata.
"Yes?" her voice looked seductive.
Napamura na lang ako nang maramdaman ang hininga niya malapit sa aking pisngi. Hindi ko na maidilat ang mga mata ko sa kalasingan. I'm pushing her but my force isn't enough.
"Forget about her, Travis... Be with me, I'll make you happy always..."
Unti-unti ko siyang naramdaman sa aking labi but before she could do what she's planning, I forcibly pushed her dahilan ng pagkawala ng hawak niya sa akin.
I stood up with my head spinning. Awang ang labi niya nang talikuran ko siya pero bago ako naglakad palayo ay tumigil ako para magsalita.
"Please don't talk to me for the next few weeks. Or even months," then I walked out of the club. Lasing akong nag-drive pauwi.
I did all my best to forget her. I was so mad at her for cheating at me. I won't ever tolerate infidelity. That's just so off. Kahit pa lumuhod siya sa harapan ko't magmakaawa, hinding-hindi ko siya patatawarin at tatanggapin.
But how come you thought of her coming back to you, Travis? E mukhang masayang masaya siya sa lalaki niya roon! She didn't even have the decency to officially cut you off! Kung hindi ko pa siya pinuntahan doon, baka taon na ang lumipas at mukha pa rin akong tangang naghihintay sa kanya!
But then my love for her is greater than my wrath, I realized that. Matapos mabalitaan ang pagkamatay ni Dan ay walang pag-aalinlangan ulit akong lumipad patungong States. Isinantabi ko ang galit ko. Alam kong sobrang sakit nito para sa kanya. She just lost her father and uncle months ago. Now it's Dan.
Kapag nakita ko siya pagdating doon, hindi ko siya kokomprontahin tungkol sa halik. Instead, I will wrap her in my arms, tell her that I'm here and wipe her every tears. Wala na akong pakialam sa mga nagawa niya. She needs a strong support system and I'm giving her it.
Pero lahat ng plinano ko ay gumuhong parang pader nang pagdating sa chapel kung saan nakaburol si Dan ay ganoon ang naabutan ko.
Yani was leaning on that boy's shoulder as he caressed her back. Nasa may pinakaharap silang upuan. She gave her full weight on him like she also depends her life on him. Namanhid ang buo kong katawan sa sakit. Bago pa may makakita sa aking kakilala ay tumalikod na ako.
Hindi na pala niya ako kailangan. May iba nang nagpapatahan sa kanya.
Pero wala, e. My love for her is really stronger than my anger. Hindi iyon ang huli kong pagbisita sa kanya. I kept on coming back to the States to check on her because I'm really concerned. I want to see if she's doing fine because what happened to her family is tough.
Pero sa bawat panahong dumadalaw ako nang palihim, lagi'y nakabuntot sa kanya si Louell. I feel like an idiot for still caring for her when it's clear that she doesn't need it. Or maybe, at the back of my mind, I was still hoping for a miracle. Matagal bago ako natauhan na wala na talaga. That she already threw whatever is in between us. Pero minahal nga ba talaga niya ako? O kahit nagustuhan man lang? Or she just went with the flow?
After almost a year, I decided to stop my insanity. Hindi na ako babalik dito. Tutal ay mukhang ayos naman na siya, e.
"Have you heard of the news?" bungad ni Trevor sa akin isang araw pagkapasok sa opisina ko.
Ibinaba ko ang mga binabasang dokumento at tumingin sa kanya.
"About what?"
He raised a brow and went to me. Umayos ako ng tayo.
"Niremata ng bangko ang bahay nila Yani dito sa Manila. The bank is looking for a buyer,"
I stilled for a bit at the mention of her name. Nagulat ako sa balita pero hindi ko ipinahalata. I shouldn't care!
"And?" I said in an uninterested tone.
His lips twitched. "Wala lang. Baka lang gusto mong bilhin,"
"Why would I?"
He sneered. "I don't know with you. Para may pinanghahawakan?"
I glared at him. "Fuck you."
He bursted into laughter. Nang makaalis siya ay problemado akong humilig sa aking swivel chair. I groaned then picked the telephone.
"Contact the broker of the Almendras' house,"
Fuck!
No. I will use this for revenge. Sisiguraduhin kong mahihirapan kang bawiin ito. But then, will she? Mukhang wala na silang kabalak balak bumalik dito!
But the heavens did not allow me to move on. I forgot that anger is sometimes the synonym of love. Na ang galit, reaksyon lang kapag sobrang mahal mo ang isang tao. I proved that when I saw her again after years...
I smiled, remembering the bittersweet past. Halos hindi ko akalaing ganoon katindi ang mga pinagdaanan namin sa mga nagdaang taon. I thought we won't make it but here we are now, willing to wake up beside each other every morning.
Napalingon ako sa aking likod nang makarinig ng mga yapak. I smiled when my hunch is right.
I watched my beautiful wife walk towards me. She's wearing a conservative long lingerie dress. Pabor 'yon sa akin dahil sa kondisyon niya ngayon. At least I won't be that seduced...
Ngumuso ako nang makita siyang parang hirap na hirap sa paglalakad. Holding her swelling tummy as a support, she looks cute but pitiful at the same time. Sinalubong ko siya para 'di na mahirapan sa paglalakad.
"What are you doing here? Gabi na," her sweet voice never fails to enchant me.
I wrapped my arms around her waist. Hinawakan niya naman ako sa magkabilang braso. I then planted a soft kiss on her lips.
"Nothing,"
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanyang tiyan. I crouched to kiss it, too. We chuckled when her tummy moved because of a kick.
"Ganyan sila kapag hinahalikan mo. I feel like they recognize you,"
I bit my lip, my heart feeling so warm. Idinikit ko ang aking pisngi sa kanyang tiyan para damhin sila. She softly raked my hair.
Yani is 7 months pregnant now. And guess what? We're expecting not just one but two babies! We're having twins!
When I found out she's pregnant just a few weeks after our wedding, I can't describe the happiness I felt. Back then, this has always been my dream. To build a family with her. Ang labo noon pero ngayon, unti-unti nang nagkakatotoo. And I just fall deeper with her every passing day. I can't wait to meet our little ones.
I promise to take care of you, Giuliani, and our future children. I'll work hard to provide not just all your needs, but also your whims and caprices. I'll do everything to be the best husband and father that you and our kids deserve.
"Travis..."
"Hmm?"
Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya. Umayos ako ng tayo nang nakita ang titig niya sa madilim na kalangitan na napapalamutian ng mga bituin.
"Do you believe in destiny?" she asked without tearing her gaze off the sky.
I went behind her and inserted my arms in between hers and her stomach. Niyakap ko siya galing sa likod. Hinawakan naman niya ang kamay ko at isinandal ang ulo sa aking dibdib.
It's another typical night in the Metro. Nasa condo kami ngayon, naghahanda na para matulog pero naisipan ko saglit na tumingin sa kalangitan kanina dito sa veranda. And now she's here, too. This is one thing I like about her pregnancy. She's been clingy to me since then.
I kissed her temple. Damn, she really smells good.
"Why are you asking?" malambing kong sabi sabay haplos sa kanyang tiyan.
Halatang-halata na talagang buntis siya. And not just because she's in the final semester but because she's carrying twins reason why her tummy is much bigger.
Parati'y naaawa ako sa kanya dahil parang hindi na niya kayang bitbitin ang dala niya. Mas pumayat pa naman siya dahil sa maselan niyang paglilihi kaya parang mas mahirap. That's why I really asked her to stop working for the mean time simula noong dalawang buwan pa lang. I'm just thankful she agreed. Of course she's also considering the welfare of our babies.
Ang reklamo nga lang niya'y nabo boring siya rito. That's why I don't stay much in the office these past few months to accompany her here. Minsan ay dito natutulog ang kanyang Mommy.
"Wala lang..." she sighed. "Naalala ko kasi, noong namatay sila Dad, lagi kong kinukwestiyon ang tadhana. I'm always asking what is its plan for me," she looked at me and smiled.
Seryoso ko siyang tinitigan. In the end, I sighed and kissed her forehead.
"Somehow, yes," I tucked the loose hair behind her ear. "Destiny sometimes takes over our lives. So whatever its outcome will be, you should always be prepared to overcome its implications,"
Muli siyang ngumiti. "Right. I think I was able to overcome it, though,"
I shot my brows up. She chuckled and pecked on my lips.
"I am your wife now and we're having kids soon. Nalampasan ko na ang lupit ng tadhana,"
I smirked at that. I gave her a quick peck on the lips, too.
"Yes, we did. We made it, baby. I love you,"