Chapter 60
Official
Mabilis na lumipas ang mga araw. Like what Travis said, we proceeded on preparing for our wedding. He wanted it to happen as soon as possible and I have no problem with that. Ewan ko ba. Alam naming hindi pa maayos ang paligid namin pero gusto na naming magpakasal agad-agad. Maybe it's because we only want to be true to ourselves.
He hired a coordinator for our wedding so there is really no reason to be stressed but I still quite am. Syempre. Naging abala kami sa pag-aayos ng aming mga dokumento para sa kasal. He's very hands on while I'm torn between designing my own wedding gown or asking for famous designers of their portfolios. Pakiramdam ko kasi, kung ako lang ay hindi magiging maganda. The hell? I'm this pressured!
"You should just design your own!" Sadie adviced me.
Problemado akong tumingin sa kanya, ang dalawang kamay ay nasa magkabilang sentido. She found out about my engagement the day after that night. Siya ang unang nakaalam sa opisina na engaged na ako na agad kumalat dahil sa excitement niya.
So basically, everyone here already knows about it. At madadagdagan pa ang mga makakaalam nito dahil gusto ni Travis na highly publicized ang aming magiging kasal. Ayos lang din iyon sa akin kaso ang pinoproblema ko ay ang magiging reaksyon ng kanyang Mama.
"Paano kapag hindi maganda?" bigo kong sabi.
Hindi makapaniwala niya akong tiningnan. "Wow. Coming from you, huh?"
Ngumuso ako at tumingin sa aking mga disenyo.
Lumapit siya sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito na naman siya sa opisina ko gayong sa pagkakaalam ko'y ang daming ginagawa ngayon. Mukhang mas excited pa siya kaysa sa akin! Halos siya na ang magplano ng honeymoon namin! While I can't even think about it without my cheeks heating. Damn. I think I need some mind-cleaning stuff.
"Ayos lang naman kung lumapit ka sa mga international designers. Vera Wang, Reem Acra, name it. Barya lang kay Travis iyon, 'no!"
Tinaliman ko siya ng titig. Ngayong sinabi niya iyan, parang mas gusto ko na tuloy na sariling disenyo na lang ang isuot. I don't want us to spend hundreds of thousands or even millions just for a gown na minsan lang naman sa tanang buhay ko isusuot. Though, pwede naman siguro akong maghanap ng mga local designers para mas affordable. Pero kung ganoon lang din naman pala, mas mabuting sariling disenyo ko na lang.
Wala tuloy akong nagawa buong umaga dahil sa pakikipagdiskusyon kay Sadie. In the end, I decided to just design for my own. At least that way, I will have the free will to design the gown that I really want. Kung may gusto akong baguhin ay malaya ko iyong magagawa. Saka, ibang tao nga dinidisenyuhan ko, ako pa kaya? I just need to double time because the wedding will be in a month.
Pagdating ng hapon ay hindi ko na hinayaang may umabala pa sa akin. I need to finish my workload today because I won't go to work tomorrow. Sa umaga ay may interview kami ni Travis sa isang kilalang magazine at sa hapon ay maglalakad ulit kami ng mga dokumento.
Alas kwatro ng hapon nang katukin ako ng aking ka-trabaho.
"May naghahanap daw sa'yo sa lobby,"
Kumalabog ang puso ko sa kaba. That line is familiar and traumatizing.
"S-Sino raw?"
"Louell Velez daw e,"
Napakurap-kurap ako at gulat na tumayo. Did I hear it right?
"Sino ulit?"
"Louell Velez," mas sigurado niyang ulit.
Mas lalong kumalabog ang puso ko. Kabado ako sa pag-aakalang si Mrs. Zendejas na naman iyon pero ang malamang si Louell, mas lalo akong kinabahan.
Walang pag-aalinlangan kong iniwan ang trabaho ko para sa aking kaibigan. Abot-abot ang tahip ng aking puso. I am growing more and more impatient every passing minute inside the elevator. Gusto ko na agad siyang makita.
Louell... We have not seen each other for months. Huling pagkikita namin ay hindi kami maayos. We had a rift. He was mad at me and I understand. I deserve it. Kaya naman ang malamang narito siya sa Pinas at hinahanap ako ay isang malaking pagkakataon para makahingi ng tawad sa kanya dahil alam kong hindi sapat iyong paghingi ko noon. And I will understand if he still won't forgive me. I have hurt him so much.
Nang bumukas ang elevator ay halos takbuhin ko na ang distansya patungo sa couch sa lobby. Pero nang matanaw ang pamilyar niyang likod ay bumagal ang lakad ko. My knees turned weak and I suddenly want to cry.
Nanginginig ang mga tuhod kong lumapit sa kinauupuan niya. He is unconsciously watching the busy employees working before him. Wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of maong pants, that is very much like him.
Unti-unti siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin nang maramdaman ako sa kanyang harap. Nangingilid ang luha sa aking mga mata. And my heart broke into millions of pieces when he gave me a warm and gentle smile.
"Hi," he said then stood up.
Tiningala ko siya. Why is he suddenly kind to me again? I need him to be mad at me! I don't deseve this kind of treatment!
He smiled again when I didn't answer. "Are you busy?"
Agaran akong umiling.
Nagtaas siya ng kilay. "You sure?"
"Yes..."
His eyes narrowed at me. Kung dati ito ay kanina pa ako ngumuso. Pero iba na ngayon. Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya.
His lips protruded when he realized I won't take this easy. "Alright," he sighed. "Can we talk?"
I immediately nodded.
Sa isang coffee shop malapit sa opisina kami nagpasyang magtungo. It's past 4 and good thing I brought Brent's car with me today. Or else Travis will fetch me and will know about this. Not that I'll hide this from him. Sasabihin ko ito sa kanya pero pagkatapos na lang nito. Kasi alam kong hindi siya mapapakali kapag nalaman niya ito ngayon.
I don't want him to worry because there's really nothing to worry about. I love him and he knows that. If he really loves me, too, then he should also trust me. He needs to understand this because this is a part of me I need to fix. Para sa amin din naman ito.
Emosyonal akong nakatitig sa aking kaibigan habang umo-order siya ng drinks. Nang makaalis ang waiter ay binalingan niya ako. He smiled gently when he noticed my stare.
"How are you?" marahan niyang tanong.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at yumuko. "I-I'm sorry..."
Alam kong wala akong karapatang lumuha dahil ako naman ang nanakit pero hindi ko na napigilan. Ayoko nang pinapakitaan niya ako ng magandang trato. I want us to be real. And this is the reality. We have an unsettled matter.
Hindi siya nagsalita kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. My heart sank when I saw tears forming in his eyes. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin.
"Damn it," mahina niyang utas. "I'm trying my best to make this light but..."
I chewed on my lip and lowered my head again. "S-Sorry..."
"You're saying sorry again," he teased but when I looked at him, there is no humor in his expression.
He sighed. Yumuko siya at pinagpahinga ang dila sa pang-ibabang labi. Nang mag-angat muli siya ng tingin sa akin ay namumula ang kanyang mga mata.
"Actually, Yani, you don't need to apologize..."
Suminghap ako nang ilagay ng waiter ang mga order namin. Nag-iwas naman ng tingin si Louell. Umaayon yata ang tadhana sa sitwasyon namin. Normally, this coffee shop is packed at this hour. But surprisingly today, halos kami lang dalawa ang tao. Kung meron man ay malayo sa amin at hindi maririnig ang mga pag-uusapan namin. It's good because we need some privacy.
Nang makaalis ang waiter ay muli siyang tumingin sa akin.
"I should even thank you,"
My forehead creased. Natigil ako sa pagluha.
"Thank you for being true. Thank you for admitting it before everything's too late. Thank you for not being selfish. You may not realize but it's a big thing, Yani,"
Yumuko ako at hindi nagsalita. Kahit ano pa yatang sabihin niyang pagpapalubag ng loob ay hindi mawawala ang nararamdaman kong guilt.
"At least you told me about your feelings at this age, huh. I still have a lot of time to find someone else before I turn 30," he managed to joke.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya. I pouted while my tears are perpetually falling.
Bumuntong-hininga siya at nagseryoso. "Okay..."
He looked up, closed his eyes, and muttered a curse. Tapos ay ibinalik niya ang tingin sa akin.
"Yani... I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. I realized that after months of reflecting. From the very beginning, you made it clear that he..."
Tumigil siya na parang hindi niya iyon kayang ituloy. I wiped my tears.
"...is the love of your life... When you gave me a chance, that was only because I kept on bugging you-"
"That's not true!" agad kong protesta.
He smiled. "It's fine, Yani-"
"No! Louell..."
What the hell?
"Shh... It's fine... It's fine,"
Hindi na ako nagsalita. Pakiramdam ko ay may pumipiga sa puso ko sa sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko. I covered my face with both my hands and cried more.
"I really traveled miles to tell you this because I know you. I know you're guilty,"
Paulit-ulit akong tumango.
"It's not your fault that you are in love with someone else. But I know you won't be consoled with that. So I forgive you, Yani... I hope you can forgive me, too, for the things I've said last time,"
Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kanya roon. Umiling ako. "It's okay. I understand, Louell. I deserved those..."
Kalagitnaan pa lang ng pagsasalita ko ay umiiiling na rin siya. "No, Yani. I was an asshole there. I'm sorry,"
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at tinitigan siya. Sa huli ay bumuntong-hininga ako.
"I forgive you, too," I said.
I realized that to be able to free yourself, you should first forgive yourself. Kaya kahit tingin ko'y tama lang ang mga nasabi ni Louell, I should tell him that I forgive him so he could free himself. And the same goes with me.
"Thank you," he said.
Wala nang nagsalita sa amin pagkatapos nun. Kinakalma ko ang sarili ko habang siya ay nakatitig sa akin.
Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali ay huminga siya nang malalim.
"I think I already said what I need to say,"
Umamba siyang tatayo. Nataranta ako.
"I have to go now, Yani. Take care of yourself," he smiled and turned his back towards me.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. My feet moved faster than my mind. Tumayo ako at hinawakan ang kanyang braso para pigilan siya sa pag-alis.
"Louell..."
I don't know why I am stopping him when I can sense he wants to end his pain now. Maybe because I need more.
I was successful. Tumigil siya at pumikit nang mariin na para bang ang hirap nito para sa kanya. Then he faced me.
"You should go home, too. Baka hinahanap ka na ng fiance mo,"
Nagulat ako roon. Nasagot din ang tanong sa aking isipan nang bumaba ang tingin niya sa aking kamay na may singsing.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at tumingin sa kanya. He smiled painfully at me, tears threatening to fall on his cheeks.
"If you're planning to invite me, please don't push through... I have no plans to go. I'm sorry... I don't think I can ever bear to see you marrying another man..."
Sa naninikip na dibdib ay tumango ako. "M-Magkaibigan pa rin naman tayo, 'di ba?"
He sighed and closed the distance between us. Yumuko siya at hinawakan ang aking baba.
"Yes. We are. But for now, give me time to heal, Yani. I promise, I'll be your friend again in time,"
Tumango ako.
He sighed again. Umayos siya ng tayo. Napapikit ako nang halikan niya ang aking noo.
"Congratulations, Yani... If someday, I'll find someone else, I wish she doesn't resemble you. So she won't think I only loved her because she feels like you..."
His words kept playing on my mind as I drove home. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. Magaan dahil napatawad na niya ako pero malungkot din dahil sa mga sinabi niya. Pero ganoon siguro talaga. I pray that one day, our paths cross again and with him is the right one.
Wala sa sarili akong umakyat sa aming unit. I want to call Travis but I'm too weak to even hold my phone. Hindi ko pa naman sigurado kung dadalaw siya ngayong gabi dahil tinatapos niya ang lahat ng meetings niya ngayon para sa lakad namin bukas. I just want to hug him and find the comfort that I badly needed right now.
Pagtuntong ko sa sala ay natanto kong hindi ko na siya kailangang tawagan. With brooding eyes and grim expression, he is seated on the couch with his legs wide apart. Nakahalukipkip at madilim ang tingin sa akin.
Pagod akong ngumiti sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko ay alam na niya ang nangyari. But for some reason, hindi ako kinakabahan. Para bang alam kong hindi siya magagalit. Because he knows he's my one and only. My first and last. Isa pa, wala naman siyang dapat ikagalit.
"You were with?" he asked coldly.
I sighed and sat beside him. Niyakap ko siya nang patagilid. Hindi niya ako niyakap pabalik pero hindi rin naman siya nagpumiglas.
"I was with Louell a while ago... We only talked... Please don't be mad," I said softly and buried my face on his chest.
I inhaled his manly scent that has been my favorite ever since. Agad akong nakaramdam ng ginhawa.
Hindi siya nagsalita pero damang-dama ko ang lamig. Mas lalo ko siyang niyakap.
"I need your comfort instead..." I sighed miserably.
He didn't react. Nanlumo ako. Kalaunan ay bumuntong-hininga siya at unti-unting ipinalupot ang braso sa akin. I smiled on his chest.
"Thank you..."
He kissed my hair longingly and hugged me tighter like I'd slip if the hug is loose. Mas lalong uminit ang aking puso.
"Did it went well?" marahan niyang tanong.
Nagulat ako roon. Hindi ko alam kung alam niya ba ang pinag-usapan namin o may ideya lang siya. Nevertheless, I answered him.
"Somehow..."
He caressed my hair. "Don't worry, all will be alright in time. I'm here..."
Muli akong napangiti. I know it's hard for him to understand and console me knowing that this one is the very reason why we fell apart before. But he still did because he loves me. Kaya naman hindi ko mapigilang mapaisip na anumang lungkot ng kinahinatnan ng buhay ko, bawing-bawi pa rin.
No matter how scary and strong the storm during the night is, the sun will still shine brighter the next day. So one should never lose hope.
"Yani..." he called after minutes of silence.
"Hmm?" nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"I'm sorry," he looked at me.
Kumunot ang noo ko.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't by your side during your worst. I'm insecure. Other people were there... I wasn't,"
Ngumuso ako at hinaplos ang kanyang panga. "You don't need to feel sorry, Travis. It's fine. At tingin ko, tama lang iyon..."
Siya naman ngayon ang kumunot ang noo. "How can that be right? That will never be,"
"Shh..." I put my index finger on his lips. "Tama lang, Travis... Because I think, if you were there, I wouldn't learn how to stand on my own. You know how much dependent I am to you back then,"
Kumuyom ang kanyang panga. "But I like that,"
Ngumuso ako. "That isn't good."
He sighed and kissed my hair again. I chuckled becuase he seems so miserable.
"Don't worry, you have a lifetime ahead of us to make it up to me,"
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. He shook his head. "No. I don't have to be at your side during your worst,"
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
"I'll make sure you won't have to go through that same pain again. I'll work hard to make your everyday happy. I promise that."
Napangiti ako roon. "You don't actually need to work hard,"
Siya naman ngayon ang nagtaas ng kilay.
"My everyday with you will surely be happy," Umangat ako para mapatakan siya ng isang halik. "I love you,"
Babalik na sana ako sa dating ayos pero ipinirmi niya ang baywang ko.
"Since when did you learn to throw lines, huh?" he crashed his lips into mine.
I gripped into his shirt. Ang isang kamay naman niya ay dumapo sa aking batok bilang suporta. He opened my mouth with his tongue and conquered it skillfully. My whole body heated when he spread his flavor, tugged my teeth, and sucked on my lower lip. Damn. I wanna be married to him as soon as possible!
Tumigil siya kalaunan para maghabol ng hininga. Idinikit niya ang kanyang sa aking noo. His lips are so red from all of our kissing.
"I love you so much, too,"
Hindi namin namalayan ang mga araw. One morning, I woke up and realized that it's my wedding day.
I was staring at my reflection on the mirror. The mermaid gown I personally designed with a sweetheart neckline and a ruffled detail on its lower part perfectly fits me and highlights my slim body well. Ang mga flash ng camera sa paligid ay tila kidlat. Katatapos lang akong make-upan at naghahanda na para sa maiksing photoshoot bago pumunta sa simbahan kung saan naghihintay si Travis.
Naghihintay si Travis... Just by thinking about it makes my stomach churn from the anticipation and excitement. Pero at the same time, kinakabahan ako sa magiging reaksyon niya kapag nakita na niya akong naglalakad sa gitna. Magugustuhan niya kaya ang ayos ko? Damn, why am I overthinking? He loves me so much and is as excited as me to spend our lives together!
Hinawakan ko ang pendant ng kwintas na regalo ni Travis sa kaarawan ko noon. The twist anchor necklace is still as beautiful as it is years ago. May accessories talaga akong isusuot ngayon but I refused to wear them. I'm choosing this one because this is the symbol of our love and its meaning will always describe our love for each other. We both hold each other's lives in place.
Napatingin ako sa aking likod nang makitang palapit sa akin si Mommy. I smiled at her but she looks miserable. She eyed me from head-to-foot then pulled me for a hug. I chuckled.
"I can't believe you're getting married today when we just reconciled! Paano pa ako makakabawi sa'yo nito, anak?" naiiyak ang boses niya.
Ngumuso ako. "Mommy..."
Kumalas ako sa yakap para maharap siya. Namilog ang mga mata ko nang makitang kumikislap ang mga mata niya dahil sa luha!
"Sorry, anak. I just can't help it. But don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you two. I gave you my blessing, you know,"
I pouted again then helped her wipe her tears. "Hindi naman po ibig sabihin na ikakasal na ako'y hindi ka na makakabawi gaya ng gusto mo. We'll reside in Manila, okay? I'll always visit you and we'll bake together just like the old times,"
Hindi siya nagsalita. Tumawa ako.
"'My, your make up will be ruined if you keep on tearing up. There's no reason to cry, okay? He's not going to take me from the family. He's actually going to join us! Ayaw mo ba iyon?"
Tumingin siya sa akin. Her face twisted then she hugged me again. I laughed and hugged her back.
"I guess I'm just not ready for the fact that my baby is going to be a wife today..."
I smiled at that and hugged my mother more. Naalala ko si Dad at Kuya. I suddenly wonder, if they are alive, how would they react to this? Would they also be emotional like Mommy? More importantly, would they give their blessing to us?
I think... yes.
Si Travis lang ang pinayagan nilang maging sobrang lapit sa akin. And by that, what I meant is to be in an unofficial romantic relationship. Back then, he is the only one they allowed to go to our house to visit me, to go to places where it's only the two of us. To drive me to school. To wait for me till the time is right...
So I'm sure, wherever they are today, they support this. They are happy for me.
The large double doors of the church opened. Nakita ko ang dami ng tao sa loob. Lahat sila ay pawang nakatunghay sa akin. Cameras were directed at me. But then my focus is only on the man in a dark tuxedo at the end of this aisle. The love of my life. My one and only. Travis...
The choir on the left side of the church started vocalizing the introduction of a familiar song. Iyon ang naging hudyat ng paglalakad ko patungo sa kanya.
"My head's in a jam,
Can't take you off my mind
From the time we met,
I've been beset by thoughts of you"
My eyes are all on him while walking as how his eyes are also all on me kahit na maraming tumatawag sa kanya at ang katabi niyang si Trevor na Best Man ay kinakantyawan na siya.
Ngumuso ako. His intense eyes boring into me makes me feel like I'm floating. It's like he is penetrating through my soul, owning every bit of my spirit. Ganyan naman lagi. In his eyes, I always feel like drowning.
"And the more that i ignore this feeling
The more i find my self believing
That i just have to see you again"
My tears threatened to fall. I remember the first time our eyes met. Noong unang araw ko sa kolehiyo. Then I remember our younger years. Noong pasimple na pala niya akong pinopormahan at ako nama'y masyadong manhid. The kwek kwek dates we had every after school. Our first kiss in our favorite place. When he drives me to school or when he brings me my favorite food. When he helps me on my projects even though he wasn't knowledgeable about it. Our Tagaytay trip where he told me about his plans to build his own company. Everything about us is just so wonderful. Lahat ng nagawa namin na magkasama ay sobrang sarap balikan. And now, we will create more memories together and with the family we will create.
"I can't let you pass me by,
I just can't let you go
But I know that I am much too shy to let you know"
Tuluyan nang pumatak ang mga luha ko. I remembered how tough life was for me for the past years. Sobrang bigat na akala ko'y hindi na ako makakabangon. But here I am today, winning over life by marrying my first and last love. Napagtanto kong parehong-pareho ang buhay ko sa pagmamahalan namin. Nasadlak din ito sa matinding pagsubok pero heto at napagtagumpayan namin ang lahat ng iyon.
Sa bandang gitna ng pasilyo ay naghihintay sa akin si Tito Bernard na siyang maghahatid sa akin patungo sa altar. It should've been my father but he's gone. How I wish it was Daddy who will bring me to him. Pero ayoko nang malungkot. For sure Dad won't like it if I'm sad on my wedding day because of him.
"Afraid that I might say the wrong words
And displease you
Afraid for love to fade before it can come true"
I smiled at him when I finally am in front of him. Kung hindi pa naglahad ng kamay si Tito ay hindi pa maaalis ang tingin niya sa akin. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. This man is so in love with me!
I watched them greet each other. Nagulat ako nang mamataan si Mrs. Zendejas sa likod ni Travis na kanina pa pala nakatitig sa akin. I thought she won't attend! Travis didn't tell me about it!
Nang mapansin niya ang gulat ko ay pormal siyang tumango sa akin. Napakurap-kurap ako pero bago ko pa masuklian iyon ay inilahad na sa akin ni Travis ang kanyang braso. Nalipat ang atensyon niya sa akin.
"Are you ready?" he shot his brows up.
I equalled his look. "Ever since,"
He smirked and whispered on my ear. "You're so beautiful,"
"Really?"
"Yes..." he breathed. "Let's marry each other now,"
I chuckled and nodded. We walked to the altar to finally make it official, make us one, after everything and against all odds.