Lilith stood with her twin sisters on the porch of their home, waving as their father's carriage pulled away. He was going on another one of his business trips, although he'd said he would be back in time for the dance she was planning. She still had so much to do - invitations, flowers, the menu and the list went on. She watched the gates draw back to let the carriage pass, thinking that with her father away, she would have one less thing to stress about. Yet, she had to admit that he had been quite agreeable these past few days.
As the carriage disappeared past the turn, she released a good kind of sigh, looking down at her sisters. With their light brown hair and blue eyes, they were fresh-faced reflections of each other. Only Lilith and her mother always knew how to tell them apart. Even their father was sometimes fooled, probably because he did not spend enough time with them. It was sad, Lilith thought, to not know your own children.
"Now, we can do anything we want," Viola piped up.
"Best behavior, girls."
"Can we at least go and see Aunt Mara?" Emma asked.
Lilith turned away, pretending to mull it over. "Perhaps, if you two are very good."
"You know we will be!" Viola cried, clutching her arm. "Come on, let's go. We know you want to go too."
"Alright, alright! Let's go get our coats."
A short while later, the afternoon found the three girls hopping out of a carriage outside their aunt's house on the other side of Coser. The twins were so eager and excited, they ran ahead, their voices bringing out a bevy of cousins, servants and hounds.
"Lilith," a familiar voice sounded over the noise, and warm arms surrounded her. A kiss landed on her cheek, and Aunt Mara held her at arms' length. "Every time I see you, you grow more and more stunning."
"Father left a while ago. He should be gone for a week."
"Well, come on in then. Who would want to be alone in that big old house all by themselves?"
Father probably. No one to disturb him.
Aunt Mara ushered them inside, where the children scattered to amuse themselves as they always did. "Girls, make sure you keep your dresses clean this time!" Lilith called after her sisters.
"Oh, leave them, dear," her mother's sister chided her gently.
"They get carried away sometimes."
"Of course they're do. They're children." Aunt Mara pulled her down, the two of them sitting together on Lilith's favorite sofa. It was not as large or plush as the ones at home, but she loved how they sank right into its cushions, like it was giving them a big, welcoming hug. "You know, sometimes it amazes that you were ever a child yourself," Aunt Mara told her.
"It didn't last long."
"I know. You were always so quiet and solemn. Still are."
"I'm not like Mother. I'm not good at talking to people."
"Well, as long as you can talk to the people that matter, that's what counts." She patted her niece's hand, and Lilith gave her a smile. "So tell me. Any news over at the big house?"
"There's going to be a dance next week. I'm organizing everything."
Aunt Mara pulled back in surprise. "Really? Your father allowed it?"
"Yes. He's been in a good mood lately."
"Well, that's something, although I wonder how long it will last."
"I would love for you to come to the dance, Aunt."
"Why, thank you, Lilith, but you know I don't go to such things anymore. It's no place for me or the children."
Lilith had expected that answer. After 'marrying down' years ago, as Lilith's father called it, her aunt Mara had cut off ties with her family and now shunned the social circle she used to be move around in – the same circle that the Harpers were a part of.
Lilith had always admired her aunt for what she had done. It must have been tough, but her aunt had never showed any sign of being unhappy, except for that dark time when her husband and her sister, Lilith's mother, had passed away in the same year. Lilith had visited her aunt's house almost every day for months after, until the day her father took her aside and told her he thought she was spending too much time with her aunt. After that, Lilith and her sisters were careful to visit their aunt only when their father was away.
"It would have been nice, is all," Lilith sighed.
"You'll be fine, and I'm sure it will be a wonderful event."
Lilith gazed at her aunt's face, ivory-skinned with cheeks round and soft. Her Aunt Mara didn't look like her mother, except for the eyes. Light blue, like an arctic sky. Lilith had always felt more like a Hastings than a Harper, like she had somehow gotten the wrong life. She thought about the debt with Kendall Moore, then did a groan.
Aunt Mara lifted a copper brow. "What is it?"
"Um ... I was just thinking that I have to invite the Moores to the dance."
A small, tinkly laugh bubbled up from her aunt's chest. "You don't have to if you don't want to."
"No, it would be rude not to."
"The son's back in Coser, last I heard."
Brandon Moore, God's gift to women. Well, perhaps other women. "That's even worse."
"I suppose all the women would be disappointed if you didn't invite him."
"I have a lot to do," Lilith sighed. Plan a party, win a proposal, laugh in Kendall Moore's face .... "Aunt Mara, do you think I'm ready to be a wife?"
"No one can tell you when you're ready, Lilith. You will know when the time is right. You will know when you meet a man you want to live your life with."
"No, I don't believe in all that anymore."
Her aunt gave her a look of surprise. "What do you mean?"
"I mean love and romance - it's not real."
"Of course it's real. I married my sweetheart, and so will you."
"No, all that - it's fantasy. Storybook fluff. Marriage is just what Father says it is. An alliance. It's about giving yourself and your children the best security for the future."
"What?? My dear, your father knows diddly squat about matters of the heart. Real love does exist."
"And with it, real pain," she returned, shaking her head. "I don't want that kind of pain."
Aunt Mara stared at her, silent for a long while. "I really think you spend too much time up in that house."
"It's fine. One day, someone will marry me, and I'll no longer be living there. I might not even be living in Coser anymore."
"I certainly hope that doesn't happen. I would miss you too much." She reached over, grasping her hand. "Lilith, I'm going to tell you what I think my sister would have told you. It is good to be prudent ... but as women, we have a fault in forgetting our own happiness. Never make that mistake. An unhappy woman cannot make the people around her happy."
Lilith said nothing, wondering if that was how Aunt Mara saw her. Oh God, what if that was how everyone in Coser saw her? Cold and miserable Lilith Harper.
Later that day, when she was sitting in the carriage on the way home, she looked at her twin sisters, thinking that they seemed to have something she did not. Perhaps it was their youth, but they were happy. It showed in their eyes and brought color to their cheeks. Their smiles were genuine and beautiful.
Lilith looked out the window, watching shops and people roll by. She was who she was, and there was nothing she could do to change that. She let her gaze run over familiar faces, in her mind dividing them into people she would and wouldn't invite to her very first dance. Yes, yes, no, yes, no, what the - ???
All of a sudden, she sat up straight, and the twins stopped mid-conversation to look at her. "What is it?" Viola asked. "What's wrong?"
Lilith stuck her head out the window, but a gust of wind stung her eyes, and she pulled her head back in. She pressed herself against the seat, swallowing an imaginary lump. "Nothing. I just thought I saw something."
"You look like you've seen a ghost."
"I'm fine, Vi," she snapped. Her sisters stared at her, and she realized what she had done. She had just spoken to them like her father. "I'm sorry," she breathed, reaching over and clutching Viola's shoulder. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I think it's just ... a headache."
"Once we get back, you can get some rest," Emma assured her.
She nodded, even though rest wasn't going to do the trick. She knew what she had seen. She knew who she had seen.
Why would Logan be in Coser? She pressed the sides of her nose, long-buried memories coming to the surface. Hushed conversations in the grove, stealing kisses while autumn leaves rained around them, the feel of his black, black hair between her fingers ....
This was bad. Now, she was really feeling a headache starting. Her mind wandered, going to less pleasant memories. Her father standing in his study, a glass in hand as he laughed at Logan. Laughed at the thought of his daughter marrying such a man.
'Shaw?', he'd said. 'The name means nothing. You have nothing to offer my daughter. In fact, I am amazed you dared to walk past my door.'
All their protests and pleadings had not had helped, and finally, he gave up trying and left. Later that night, Lilith had managed to sneak out and meet him, and he'd asked her to run away with her. He'd sworn to take her anywhere she wanted to go. They would become husband and wife, and prove to her father that he did not run her life.
Only ... Lilith had said no. Till this day, she wasn't sure what had stopped her. Perhaps it had been the thought of leaving her sisters behind. Perhaps it had just been plain, simple cowardice. Either way, she knew Logan would never forgive her for it.
She shut her eyes against the afternoon light, trying to turn her mind to the present, and not to mention the future. She had worked so hard to put all memories of Logan behind her. It was time to look forward to more promising things. It was time to start focusing on finding her husband-to-be. Now that Logan was in Coser, she needed to show that she had gotten over him.
She glanced over at her sisters. She was glad that at least they were too young to know about Logan. "This dance is going to be the most important one of my life. You two have to help me make it a big success."
"Of course," they chorused, before giggling at their own timing.
She raised her eyes, seeing that they were passing the Moore home. Brandon Moore leaned against the fence, relating a tale to a group of girls who seemed to be hanging on to his every word. He looked to be really enjoying himself, gesturing as he described, switching his expressions according to the story. Then the carriage came up, and he looked up, seeing her. He stopped, hands still in mid-air, holding her stare with dark eyes until she was out of sight.