I finished the painting of my father at 3 a.m.
It's a good time to sleep I know
but I am used to waking up
thinking too much
smoking
going back to bed
and too tired to get out of bed
when my alarm clock rings
this morning as I was hustling for work
on a Monday morning
the painting full of life in my living room
I couldn't wait until David saw it
he was honest I gave him that
he never said what I expected
or wanted him to say
it was brutal honesty
words I wasn't used to
his face was full of warm colors
each square painted
I measured them so they were perfect
except one which was a bit off
near his nose
but I liked that
it made it authentic
I wasn't a robot
this was art.
My heart ached this morning
it kept stabbing me with Jared's voice
I could hear it in my ear
it pained me like burn marks on my skin
I was getting used to this now
living with an ache
I lived with them since I was a young girl
my dad's scar
my mom's pain
mingled with my own
and now this
so this place of longing
was familiar.
Suddenly I had this urge
to paint all the faces I loved
next would be mom's
my grand-père
Jared
everyone I loved and lost.
*******************
The next couple of weeks flew
I painted like a madwoman
David absolutely loved them
I barely left my house
work, home, painting.
David was working on a project
he would come over and work
on his laptop
I would paint
he kept sleeping over
making me breakfast
I was aching inside
but slowly healing
I felt myself changing
when I painted Jared's face
I remembered it
clearly
like he was still in front of me
It was beautiful
who is that?
an old friend
will you draw me?
not yet
I seem to like to paint
people I never see anymore
They are stunning. I took a few photos of them and I showed my friend at work. He wants to commission you. Babe, you can make money doing this. I see how much you love it.
Seriously?
Yes, you can charge him. I am sure he will pay a couple of hundred bucks. He is an art connaisseur, and only puts original art on his wall.
Let me think about it.
What's there to think about?
I was just painting for myself. I don't know if I can do it for someone else. What if It sucks! And he hates it.
Dalia, it can't suck. You have a gift. Look at these paintings. They are phenomenal.
Just try it.
Alright. Let's have a meeting and see what he wants.
Cool. I am so proud of you!
Thanks.
As I was putting the final touches
on Jared's face
my heart did that familiar tugging ache
I wanted to show Jared
but I had blocked him again
he had blocked me
it was over
it was silent
it was the past.
I figured if I said it to myself
it would be true
but I knew
like he said
It would never be over
When you lose someone you love
they still leave you breathless
the mind is a savage place.