TechnoAnxiety

Wk 1 Pt 2: Coping

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Alright guys, you seem to want part two! I have two endings to it- but be warned, this is going to be hella angsty. I'll write a social anxiety one soon, this one is just going to be an idea i wanted to get out.  

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"Well, this is awkward" Part 2 

Techno POV

"Technoblade, look at me." I fidget in my seat, avoiding their eyes.

Would they be disappointed? Sad? Angry? What would they think of me? 

"Techno, kid, I'm not mad. It's a more healthy way of coping than...alternatives."

I freeze up.

"...Techno?" Tommy asked, cautious. "You haven't...?"

Scenario one:

I panic. I hold up a hand. They stop, and I shrink back, trying to regain my composure. (italics)

I feel their eyes on me. I feel them judging.

I try to ignore it. But...I curl into a ball, and put my hands over my ears. Now, this may be a severe reaction, but I had just had enough. I couldn't deal with this. 

"Techno...?"I nod, letting out a broken sob. 3 people, the people that I would call family, just sitting there and watching me.

"Technoblade." Phil states. In the most calm voice I have ever heard from him. "I need you to trust me."

I gulp in breaths of air, nodding, pulling at my hair, anything that would make me feel something-

"Ok. Alright, kiddo, I'm going to roll up your sleeves, ok?" He murmured something to Wilbur, and Wilbur moves to hug me... and restrain me.

 What's happening, what did I agree to?

I feel air on my skin, and I wince unconsciously, wriggling my arms to get them back. 

But Phil had seem enough. A sharp gasp escapes him. Tommy lets out a sob. 

I get my arms back in my sleeves. Now you have to understand, I don't....hurt myself... because I'm sad- it's because I need to feel something apart from despair and anxiety. 

I don't mean to, it just happens with my attacks. 

Phil never cries. Never. He's emotional, but he never cries. 

The father-like figure starts forward, and joins the hug, Tommy piling on me. "Techno, techno, kid. You're like a son to me, please-" he chokes "please don't do this." The unspoken to me was left. 

He full on sobs. Wilbur looked at me, eyes blurred from my own tears. 

"It's an unhealthy coping mechanism, that can get infected. I know you have pretty bad anxiety attacks, but we need to figure out an alternative."

Tommy puts his two-cents in "Techno, if I ever make you feel like garbage, tell me to kick my own ass."

Scenario two:

I unfreeze, quietly shaking my head. It was at times like these I felt like the inferior person here. I didn't like showing weaknesses. 

I felt like a child, being scolded by their parents. Pushing down any anxiety I have was hard, but the trick was to think desensitizing thoughts, and give yourself something else to think about. (A.N not actual advice, please do not follow)

However, it only worked for a short time, so I had to get this conversation done.

"N-no." I hate sounding so weak. 

"I haven't.." I paused. "Done anything like that."

"Techno, kid. I'm not mad at you. You should have told us." Phil says. He sounds disappointed. 

"Yeah, Blade! You shoulda told me you weren't comfortable!" Tommy chimes in. "I wouldn't've made you go!"

I don't want him to feel bad, so I'll blame it on myself to take the blame off him.

"It's not your fault, Toms. I should've said something." I shift, nudging at my pancakes. Phil sighs, and I look up at him. He reaches forward and places his hand over mine. 

"Techno, it's ok. It's not a healthy coping mechanism, picking at your nails could cause it to get infected."

I snap.

"Oh, really? Gee, I didn't know that! It's not like I've been subtly trying to tell you for the past three months! It's not like I've been more and more anxious progressively! It's not like I've been depressed for the past year or so, and none of you did anything! It's not like I haven't been trying to solve this without bothering any of you!"

I try to catch my breath, panting. 

Now, I'm not usually an angry person, but apparently I have emotions. 

Damn you, emotions. 

They snuck up behind me, and at the most inopportune times struck me. 

Philza raised his hands to placate me. "Now, Techno, let's calm down.."

Shit. I acted out of turn. They're going to be mad. I don't want to be hurt by them. But i don't want to hurt them. I can be either defensive or aggressive, no in-between. How do I handle this?

I start "I'm sorr-"

Fortunately, Wilbur cut in. "Yeah, sorry Techno. I guess it's also on us not really noticing. Sorry."

I nod, not really knowing what to say. 

"Yeah," Philza agrees. "We're sorry." He glares at Tommy and nudges him. 

"Huh- Oh, yeah. Sorry Techno." Tommy says. "In future, you can always come to us. OK?" 

I nod, trying to keep it together. My anxiety shield was faltering. "Mhm."

"Family hug?" Philza asks. I sob, and fly into his arms. Being short has it's advantages. I feel a set of arms envelop me from the side, and another, accompanied with a sigh. I smile. 

Somehow, I managed to dodge a bullet there. Hey, depression- I have my family and friends, so go to hell. 

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 So, one of you wanted part 3. Any ideas? And the projecting...intensifies.

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