Amberian (Gods of California I)

Chapter 27: You're Not Shit

In the days leading up to the end of summer vacation, Ally noticed a change in Jasmine. She was aloof, her eyes were sad, and the vibrant sense of adventure was gone. 

The girl she had fallen for felt she could never be the same again.

Ally hadn't seen her in three weeks, there hadn't been a single message, no Facebook updates. She didn't know where she lived so she couldn't check on her. She'd lie on the floor at night in tears with her laptop open and her phone at her side hoping, even praying that there would be some sign, that she hadn't been abandoned yet again by someone she thought was at least a friend.

One night as she was drifting off to sleep on the carpet, her phone vibrated on her stomach and she jolted awake, the bleary sluggishness was replaced by anxiety which jolted her awake. She put the phone to her ear.

"Hey! I... No... I'm coming right now. Please don't. Please don't decide anything until I get there. Please."

She jumped to her feet, pulled on a jacket and ran downstairs, past her mother's closed door.

__

At the top of the hiking trail, they'd taken the first time they spent time together, Jasmine was pacing back and forth, shaking, and crying under a full moon like she was trying to fight back some sort of lunar transformation. 

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I called you, I'm not gonna do anything, I just..." she trailed off and screamed.

"What happened, hey! Talk to me!" When Ally raised her voice she saw Jasmine jump and regretted it.

"I'm shit, Ally, I'm just... I had to get out of the house. I couldn't... I can't even think right now. There's just pain, there's just... I know I joke around about it a lot, but I can never shake it. The feeling that I'm a terrible person, that I'm not good enough, impending doom. All of it! I'm sorry, I'm not making sense right now."

Ally wanted to reach out to her, but she figured it would be better to let her come over to her if she wanted so she stayed at a distance. "You're not shit. Whatever you're feeling right now it just means you're human."

"I feel like I'm under so much pressure. My parents have been acting so weird lately. Talking about my future, my grades, wanting to put me in advanced classes. I just... I don't know."

"Oh fuck them. Whatever happened to doing your best being good enough?"

Suddenly Jasmine brought her blunt to her mouth like she had just remembered she had it at her side. She was glad Ally was there, but almost didn't know what to say to her.

"I haven't eaten, I just... I can't even play video games or read, I just lie in bed and stare at the fucking wall," she didn't cry but tears fell from her eyes.

Ally took a step closer; she didn't know what to say or do but wanted to help. "Why don't we go out somewhere? Even if we just get gas station burgers, it's something," she finished with a smile.

Jasmine smiled back for the first time and nodded.

"I'd like that."

__

After stopping at the Seven Eleven gas station, they ate burgers that tasted and felt like they'd just come out of the microwave in the grass of Willow Park.

After eating and finishing her soda, a bit of a glow glowed on her pale face.

"I know something's gotta give," she said, chewing on ice. "But... I don't wanna be the person my parents are trying to make me."

Ally was mostly just listening, her knees hugged to her chest, only chiming in when Jasmine was done talking. "I don't really know what my Mom is... It's weird at my house too," she finished with a laugh.

"Just your Mom?"

Did I really forget to tell her?

"My Dad died in a car accident last September."

Jasmine looked away for a moment. "Shit. I'm sorry." She laughed. "Here I am bitching about petty shit while you're..."

"No don't. Please. Everyone has problems."

If he'd paid better attention, if Mom hadn't called him to pick her up...

They were quiet for a long while, then Jasmine rose. "Sometimes I think the best thing in the world would be to just run away."

Please no...

"Best thing in the world would be to go with you."

Ally rose and Jasmine kissed her.

"I think I love you," Ally said very suddenly.

Jasmine's eyes went as wide as they could possibly go.

Oh my fucking God what have I done...

"Ally... No. What happened to just being friends? What happened to let's just have fun and see what happens?"

No...

"Jasmine I..."

Did I really just say that? Is this one of those weird dreams?

Jasmine slowly started to drift away. "I really like you, but that's... I'll message you tomorrow."

She turned and went off in a hurry. Ally fell back to the grass and pulled out clumps of it while watching her go.

Then her vision blurred with tears.