Stay Gold [Moonbyul x Seokjin]

Chapter 21

A/N: Another short update, BUT HEY at least I'm updating sksksksk enjoy!

Song recommendation:

'Answer: Love Myself' (BTS)

-

I watched as Jin's figure trailed along the pathway alongside my gates, hoping he'll just carry on and never look back.

Once I couldn't really see him from my window, I pushed the curtains aside, opening the glass windows to let the cold evening air in. The sky was turning dark, but it was a view that calmed me beyond understanding and explanation.

Maybe because my brightest days weren't the best after all.

I grabbed my chair, pulling in so I could sit facing the opened window to enjoy the darkening clouds. Ah, how lovely would it be if it rained!

"Huh." I sighed again, somehow reminding me of how much of a habit sighing has became for me. Mom and dad used to scold me for sighing; saying how it's bad and can bring negative energy, how it's a sign that I'm a negative person, that I'm not grateful.

I smirked and snorted as I curled into a ball on the wooden chair.

I tried not to sigh, and look where I am today?

Sighing keeps me alive.

All those years wasted in toxic positivity. Moon Byul Yi, you're such a perfectionist. Moon Byul Yi, you should dress more feminine, that way people will respect you more. Hey, you should be cheerful and socialize, you'll definitely get more projects later! Your skills are so awesome, I mean, where can I find someone as hardworking, meticulous, and perfect as you?

"If only I could measure your value, you're definitely nothing less than gold."

His words came like this horrifying echo; a chilly wind that runs down your spine when you least expect. As if he never left my mind.

He still messes with my head, sometimes.

But I didn't thought I'd drink for two days just because he popped into my mind.

I bit my lips, feeling warm liquid forming in my eyes. Ah. How I hate the fact that I'm emotionally unstable. That I'm so easy to break. One wrong word, one wrong thought, one wrong action, and I'm already in pieces.

That's why...

"Nothing gold can stay."

I cherish that line so much, not that it sounded so awesome or did I ever wanted to be poetic.

But somehow chanting that line to myself is becoming a comfort trick.

It means nothing good can really stay in this world. Nothing happy can really last. Nothing beautiful can really preserve. Nothing nice can actually benefit.

And no matter how much you cherish someone, they wouldn't stay for you.

It was true; no one really stayed for me.

"Huh..." I sighed again, closing my eyes to feel the cold wind patting my cheeks and reminding me that staying like this is much better. Being myself, in my most purest and darkest self, will help keep me alive. Though I don't like to live, I would like to give it another try.

Though I still can't find the reasons why I should love myself, I've decided to give it another try.

No one can understand, and I don't expect anyone will.

Tears started to roll, despite all the self-comforting words I just told myself.

Ah.

Will I ever learn to love life again?