"9-1-1 what is the location of your emergency?"
"Astor Place, condo 16A"
"Can you tell me what happened?"
"My boyfriend is having an asthma attack"
"Are you with him now?"
"Yes.."
"Is he breathing?"
"Yes, but it's hard for him"
"I have an ambulance on the way to help you"
One thing I seriously hate about the dispatchers is the fact that they ask so many questions. I know it's their job but seriously just take the address and send the damn ambulance. The lady asked me my name and so many questions after stating she'd send an ambulance, of which might be needed information but I'm not focused on giving her the run down about myself. However I cooperated and gave nesssary information about myself.
:
The ride to hospital consisted of King staring at me with tears in his eyes. He held my hand tight and never let go, maybe he could see that I'm cracking under pressure. This is hard, I spent two months coming and going to the hospital when he got shot. Had so much trouble with my pregnancy, had the baby earlier than I wanted. Plus much more and now I'm dealing with this and it's too much.
I just have the heaviest feeling in chest and so much fear in my heart because I don't what else to do. Like why has God put so much on me at once. I can't figure out how to deal with any of this, it's only so much a person can take.
"This is all my fault, I'm sorry"
"Don't worry about it.."
:
Once he had been seen by a doctor and he felt better, I called his mom because I needed to inform her about what had gone on..
"How is he doing now? I told that boy stop playing with his asthma like it's a joke"
"He's doing better"
"And how are you?"
"I'm... tired honestly"
"Like you need sleep tired or like you've had enough?"
"Everything is so exhausting and frustrating. He doesn't understand how this made me feel, what kind of girlfriend am to not know? The signs were there and I didn't even know it"
"But that's not your fault, you didn't know so how could you question yourself? I love you, I do but you have to stop. You will never get any where blaming yourself for everything that happens. You are not a superhero.. I really wish you didn't grow up the way you did. All you do is find reasons to discredit yourself as a person"
I adjust the blanket I had over Ava and shifted in my seat. I swear I hate these conversations because I know she means well. But it truthfully hurts instead of helping, I know the type of person I am. I don't know how to be any other way, when you've been blamed and just talked bad about from the people really close to you. That does something, or maybe it only had this affect on me.
I feel like I should always know when something is wrong, or that I should always be able to help or prevent something. To avoid the blame and being told I'm not worthy or I'm dumb because of one thing I didn't do right.
"I struck a nerve didn't? I'm not sorry Hazel, you are the best thing that has happened to King. But it's not healthy to beat yourself over something you have no control over. Say you knew and you gave him his inhaler and it was empty or it didn't work. Are you going to blame yourself and say it's your fault because he didn't get a refill? When it could have just been a simple forgotten task.."
"I know, that's something I have work on I just don't know where to start. Is there anything else about his health I should know?"
"You two need to talk. He needs to tell you everything and you need to tell him everything. Or else the relationship will not work, because baby you're going to get tired. And it will not end well.."
"Tired of what?"
"Tired of blaming yourself"
:
I sat outside and looked to the sky and successful held back my emotions. I wanted to cry but I didn't, I was able to control the urge to do so. I sat down on the chair and prayed for sanity and strength because I'm running low on both. I heard Ava cry and that almost made me cry I just can't do this..
"Can you please come in? You're going to get sick it's freezing outside. I'll get Ava"
"I just need a minute that's all"
"Hazel we need to talk.."
"I really can't deal with anything else right now"
"It's important, please"
I stayed outside for a few more minutes just trying to understand my life right now. I had no idea being a mom would be this hard, its only been four days but it's hard. There's no sleep, I'm making bottles and changing diapers so much my brain is running on its last bit of energy.
I wish, I could have been more prepared however I don't regret that she's here. She's such a blessing but it can get hard at times and it really hit me hard today.
I got up and went back inside and King handed me a cup of hot tea.
"You really shouldn't have gone outside in the cold. Is it something bothering you?"
"Just a lot took place today, I wasn't prepared for it"
"That was my fault I should have been more responsible with my inhaler"
"Yeah you should have..
"Um, maybe it's best if we worked on things from a distance"
"Further explain what you mean by that"
I have an idea but I really don't wanna believe that he's saying what he's saying.
"Every since I came home I feel like I've done nothing but cause you stress.."
"Just say it.. go ahead and break my heart again King.."
"I don't wanna break your heart"
"Then what are you trying to say?"
"We probably rushed our relationship. Maybe we should just see other people?"
I dropped my cup on the floor, it shattered and all the tea splashed against the both of us. But at this moment I don't care, I've given him five years of my life. I stayed through the good, the rough, the bad and the unpredictable.
"So this is how you're going to do me?"
"I heard you talking to Stacy before you went out there, and she's right. I've done nothing but hurt you in the past so I don't deserve someone like you"
"That's not what she said!"
"But it's what she wanted to say. I know no one likes me for how I've treated you and I'm sorry!"
"It doesn't matter what they think King! Why don't you understand that?"
"Because it hurts to hear people express hate towards me when I'm trying to change. They won't give me credit for the changes I have made or for doing what I have to do for my daughter. I know what I did in the past and I'm still paying for that today. I don't need to be reminded, I have feelings too, believe it or not"
I did the only thing I could think to do, which was hug him. We both have so much that we have to deal with. And with a new baby its going to be hard to lay everything out on the table..
32. He Has Feelings Too..
Start from the beginning
