Hazel
"You and I know the extent of our relationship.. I can't even really speak on when we're out in public because you never take me out. It's always because of friends that I do get to be around you half the time. If we were to both walk out that door right now, you'd walk the other way as if we didn't just have sex. As if you've never seen me a day in your life and I don't get it"
"You know I'd like to settle down one day, not anytime soon though I like what we have going now.."
"So you think I'm supposed to sit around and wait for you? Watch you flirt with and kiss other girls, be your secret woman until you're ready to decide whether or not you wanna be with me publicly?"
He shrugged his shoulders and wiped his shoes off.
"Basically. I break you off and go on my way, there's no need for me to act like we're something we aren't in public. I'm saving you the heartache, if you want bitches coming up to you saying they fucked me coo"
"Saving me the heartache!? You walk hand and hand with hoes every day. But your ashamed of being seen with me, am I not good enough?
He leaned back and closed his eyes, pissing me off even more. It sucks to be the only one putting effort into something that's going no where.
"Fine, maybe you'll care when I no longer give a fuck about you. You and I have been doing this since I was seventeen. At some point enough is enough, I'm tired of feeling this way"
"Feeling what way!? All you do is complain, just shut the fuck up. I can leave and not deal with your ass at all!"
"Then leave! I give up King.. do what you want"
I pushed his feet off my coffee table and grabbed his bag, I decided to be the petty one and throw his shit outside. I know no matter how much we argue he's not going anywhere. At the end of the day he's gonna apologize and I'm going to forgive. This has been a non-stop train for years.
"Nah, I'm staying right here"
I watched him go over to the door and grab his bags. He snatched them off the floor and tossed them on my couch. I wish I could figure out why I love him so much, why he has a permanent spot in my heart. There are times when I look at myself and I see all the things I could have been. The dreams I gave up to be with a man that didn't wanna be with me.
Its like no matter how many times he tells me he loves me, I can't help but believe it. All the times he told me that we'd settle down and create a family, I believed it. Those promises to take me out in public and shower me with affection in front of not only our friends but the whole world. Those were the same promises that fell through.. all because he wasn't ready.
Yeah he wasn't ready.. he wasn't ready to tell the truth, commit or be a man. He wasn't ready to give as much or as little as I have, nor did he care enough to spare my feelings just a tiny bit. I guess he didn't think of how it must have felt to be alone during some of the most darkest hours.
How it felt to lose a part of not just me but him also. Or how it felt to be cut open by his words and stitched back up with his apologies. Nothing will ever change, yet I still take what I've been given. Even though I know I don't deserve half the crap I've endured, I still forgive..
"King have you ever thought about what I've been through? Have you ever taken a minute to ask yourself if what your doing is right?"
Before he could respond I stopped him. "Never mind.. I'm sure my heart can't take the answer you'd give. I go to bed each night and cry myself to sleep. Some nights I question my existence, not because I'm ungrateful but for the simple fact that I don't feel loved. I've allowed the way you treat me, to make me question my worth"
"I don't know any better, all I know is being in the background. Its been this way my entire life, my parents think throwing me a little money. Or doing something nice for me is enough.. I don't need love. You think fucking me, and saying you love me behind closed doors is enough"
And as always he doesn't give a fuck about anything I'm saying. He just sits there and stares at me with no emotion at all. It's times like this when I wanna slap him, maybe I just need to face reality.. he doesn't care.
"And you have nothing to say? No comforting words, emotion or care?"
"What do you want me to say Haze?"
"I'm pouring my fucking heart out to you, all I want you to do is care. Its not always about what can be said.."
"That's just it Hazel! I don't know how to love you, I don't know how to care about you. You expect so much from me, I'm not ready to slow down and make you a priority in my life. You want me to stop what I'm doing and hold you that's not gonna happen"
"I'm sorry I thought for a minute that you'd care. Can you just take your stuff and leave?"
"Man- you know what fine.."
I never knew it would be this hard to get someone to see exactly what I see. The feeling that I'm left with is indescribable, it's not anger or hurt, more like disbelief. No matter how many times this happens I can't seem to let go. Its almost like the more he pushes me away the more I wanna be with him.
I know that he feels some type of way towards me, that feeling may not be love but it's something. As a young woman I know there are probably people looking at me crazy. I'm running after a no good ass man that couldn't give two fucks about me. My parents tell me all the time but I refuse to listen, I see something in King that he doesn't see in himself.
The fast life he lives isn't what he needs, all the money and the fake hoes won't always be around. He fails to realize these bitches want his money not his time. They want his dick not his heart, yeah the attention is nice but who's there for him at the end of the day? Me. I was there when he lost his brother, when he got shot I was there.
When he got caught up in some shit and needed help I held him down. Saying fuck the fact that I could have gone down with him. Its been too many times that I put him first. I went to court with him, went to his visits when he got locked up. I used all the money I had to bail him out of jail. He forgets that though, which shouldn't be surprising to me.
I've been played so much it doesn't even hurt anymore. Sadly it's expected, nothing really surprises me any more. I'm so used to the disappointment that I stay in hopes to see better. Just to end up hurt again and again, it never fails..
