Whistle over the waves. {BXB} [COMPLETED]

35. Sakshi

I close my eyes. The warm water works it's magic. The knots loosen. I'm so tired and it is only evening. The house is all tidied up to welcome mom. She is set to be discharged tomorrow after 4 pm from her weeklong stay. Uzma bi and Devika aunty are with her. They'll bring her home so I can rest properly today. The shuttling between home and the hospital hasn't been easy. It has been draining.

But with the sleep I'll get tonight, I'll wake up fresh to receive mom.

I fall into the bed without even drying my hair. Sleep comes for me without any delay.
But it isn't rest that awaits me. I'm awake even as slumber holds me.
This is a different time, a different place....
I find something in my hand.... a glass full of brown liquid. I'm laughing. Sounds blast around us. Conversation, music, laughter, arrivals...
I laugh louder.
I feel good. I take another deep swig. My head is floating above my leaden self. The worries shake and fall away like lice in disinfectant. My body feels unowned, that is what I want, owning it tires me. Madhu is smiling as the technicolor lights set fire to our faces . She pulls me to the crowd. We dance. Hands touch me. I let them. A man gropes me from behind. He is well endowed, aroused. I've found my bed for tonight. I turn to him, I let him know that he can have me.
"Wait outside, I'll bring my car." he whispers.
I make my way out. The parking lot is silent, my head is still singing. I haven't let Madhu know.... so I call her ....it rings and rings in vain...

Then it happens.
Someone yanks me by my hair. His fingernails tear at my scalp. His face is covered, he punches my nose. I feel the last bit of control slip away.
He throws me into an open car. As I crash inside he throws my bag right at me.

Just when I open my mouth to scream another masked man covers my mouth. The car door closes. There are two of them. I look at their hands, expensive watches shine. Chains dangle from their necks. They are not here to rob me.

The one who put me in, dressed in black, punches me again. My eyes lose focus. He rips my tube top off with my bra as the other one pulls my hair tighter. The car starts suddenly. There are three of them.

I try to scream again and the black one punches my stomach. The pain blinds me. I cannot fight anymore. I'm surrendering.

With a jolt, I'm up. Breath comes painfully slow. My back is wet with sweat, I'm in my house again.

So this is what happened that night. This is the point of genesis. Three rich men decided to pick a drunk woman. They thought they would get away but they didn't. Something saved me that night. Why?

My heart breaks for myself. I have fallen below all my previous shame. The memory tears away at any hope of feeling any pride.... I asked for it. My senseless, careless availability brought me to them. I feel angry. I feel robbed. I feel denied.
But,
I aided this rape.
I couldn't even fight back.
Why did this memory resurface today when I need to be strong? Who is so maliciously pulling the cosmic strings to put me at odds every damn step of the way?
Why does it have to be so hard for me to be at peace?

I cry and cry till my voice wears out, till my eyes sting with every blink. I wash my face and try but I cannot sleep. I feel weak. The wolf chorus is alive with their chants. They are deafening in this silent house. I need out. I need to run before I tear myself open to please the wolves. It is only 9 anyway, my stomach reminds me that I haven't eaten.

So you've decided? You will act like nothing has happened?
As if your nightmare didn't just birth itself from thin air?
You think you can ignore us, how will you do it?
Watch me do it.

I lock the house and step into the night. Muscle memory takes me down the block to the Christian neighborhoods. The familiar board comes to view, Reji Ipe Chicken corner. The place looks less homely, more modernised. It has been 8 years since I've eaten here.