Whistle over the waves. {BXB} [COMPLETED]

33. Madhav

"I'm Dr. Nithya Kaling. It is a pleasure to finally meet you."
"Madhav Verma. Nice to meet you too."
We walk towards the backyard gazebo. The chairs have been laid out, there is lemonade. We take a seat as I put my art folder at the table.
"So... I'm here to help you sort out stuff. Like.... don't think of me as a shrink but as your friend. I'm quite unorthodox like that. I heard that you had some difficulty with coping with your emotional stress which resulted in an episode.... so..."
"We both know that I got fed up and sliced my arm open. If I can do it, I can hear it. Please."
"Ok. Honest.... I like that.... so now that we are settled, let us get to sorting the mess. Aarav has told me that the two of you are in a relationship. How is that working for you?"
"The relationship?"
"Just the general, dating a man, Aarav in particular, it's effect on your life.... everything."
"Oh.... well dating a man doesn't bother me. I've always known that I'm not straight. Aarav is a gentle soul. My work or social life hasn't really changed..."
"Ok.... that's good to hear. Any intolerance from either sides?"
"Well my father is too cynical to care, I don't have a mother. His parents are really supportive."
"Ok. Let's get to the point." Her eyes are a brown darker than Aarav's, almost a glossy black. She has a feline face with grey pixie hair. Her features are carved in an ambiguous androgyny.
She is smart.
Play well or she'll get into your head.
"Tell me what is the underlying feeling you've in this relationship. Like when we go through our daily lives, there are these sounds that fade in to the background but are simultaneously ever present. There are similarly, underlying feelings too, in all that we do. What are those feelings when it comes to this relationship?"
"I don't know."
"Just give me an answer."
"Isn't that your job? To find them?"
"No. My job is to guide you to answers you already know. I'm not a detective. Now tell me, what is the underlying feeling when you are with Aarav."

Ok,
Give her this.
This is too vague to be a threat.
Let her have this.

"Fear. The underlying feeling is fear."
"Fear.... does he hurt you in any way? Beat you up or something?"
"No no no. I mean no. No. He is good to me. Very very good."
"Then? A person either fears the lover or the love. Is the relationship good?"
"Yes. That is why I fear."
"You fear is being in a good relationship. I get that." she is wearing black, she is short but her poise is balanced, making her seem much taller. "You fear that you'll sabotage it or that it'll end due to circumstances?"

She is getting closer.
She knows her way.
Must stop her.

"I fear because I don't want a fall in it's quality. I don't want to have to spend my time solving relationship problems. I want this to always move smoothly."
"You were reluctant for a therapist and yet, upon his sole insistence you agreed. Doesn't sound like someone who is new to fall of quality or is afraid of solving matters. Maybe my assumptions are wrong. Is that so?"
"Maybe they are. I just agreed out of courtesy."
"Ok Madhav. As someone who's nearing 60 let me tell you, please cut the crap. We can sit here and play psychological warfare and waste our time and his money. Nothing will change. He won't stop wanting to understand you. I know walls when I see them. You and I, every word we say, everything we discuss is covered in the doctor-patient privilege. None of it is going to him. Please...."

She knows the language,
She has placed her legs strategically,
Her hands mirror mine,
Her eyes are lowered soft.
She is out to get me,
But does she know that I know the rules too?

"Ok... I'll tell you... I.... there is no point in... hiding.... I... I am... I have not yet accepted the fact... the fact that Aarav loves me. I still believe that his attraction is a phase and he will lose interest after a while."

"Oh.... and that lead you to resort to suicide?"
"It wasn't suicide.... It was... I... I cut myself ok. I've been since my teens. I struggled with my sexuality as a teenager, I.... someone I knew got me into self harm.... It feels good. It.... it helps.... helps ease a lot of it. I was.... I mean.... I was cutting myself and it got out of hand. I wasn't trying to kill myself."
I stutter the right amount.
The tears manifest precisely.
I lower my head into my hands.
I sob...