Trials and Tribulations [Chaelisa]

Chapter 56

A/N: I am so fucking pissed off rn cause that L*ren boy got his solo before my girl. what the fuck is wrong with YG?!!?!

“Hi Rosie,” Lisa said hesitantly. “I know that I must look a bit of a mess right now but that’s because I am a mess…I’m in a right fucking mess and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing…I don’t…I don’t understand…” Lisa sobbed, dropping her gaze to the floor for a moment and avoiding the camera lens in an attempt to hide her face, her tears; feeling ashamed. “I’m sorry,” Lisa said; her voice low, quiet. “I’m so sorry…this is all my fault…I’m such a fucking idiot…I just…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…it’s not fair on you, I know…you don’t deserve this shit…you don’t deserve to be lumbered with me…but I had to do something…I had to send you something…” Lisa lifted her face again and she looked gaunt and pale, the dark circles under her eyes betraying her lack of sleep.

“I miss you…I miss you so much Rosie and it hurts, everything hurts. I just want to die. I don’t want this anymore…I don’t…I can’t do it. Not without you. Not on my own….it’s too hard…my thoughts…they’re too much…they fucking taunt me Rosie. They don’t stop. It’s all they do. It’s all they do, every second of every day and I can’t silence them, I can’t. They’re all I hear.” Lisa wiped at her face with the back of her left hand, rubbing at her eyes furiously, angrily. “My thoughts…I can’t switch them off…they just…they won’t shut up.” She said firmly, her voice strong again. “Why won’t they just shut the fuck up for five minutes? Just five minutes…” she trailed off, her voice breaking, her tone pleading.

“Is that too much to ask?” she continued, her raspy voice sounding even more so in her distress. “Is it too much to ask for them to just shut the fuck up? They’re making my head hurt,” Lisa divulged. “It’s so fucking painful that it makes me want to bang it up against a wall until I can’t hear anything else…until, I can’t think anymore…until there’s just silence… I just want it to be silent…I need it…please, I just…I need it to stop…” Lisa glanced around the room she was sat in seemingly distracted. “I fucking hate it here,” she shared. “There’s too many people and they won’t leave me alone…they keep checking up on me all the time…they’re worried…they’re worried that I’ll do something and they’re right to be.” She admitted.

“If I could just be alone properly, just for a few minutes…just, alone…with something…like…like a knife…then I don’t know…” Lisa said thoughtfully, her eyes looking past the camera at the wall. She sighed wistfully, changing topic slightly. “They keep wanting me to talk…” she said, her thoughts skipping around in her head and translating in to disconnected speech. “Everyone keeps telling me that I need to talk but I don’t want to talk to them…I fucking hate them.” She shouted. “They’re just keeping me here…trapped…I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t breathe Rosie…I feel like I’m suffocating…it’s so fucking claustrophobic here.” Lisa wiped at her nose with her sleeve, sniffling noisily.

“I feel like I’m dying,” Lisa said, her tears leaving wet streaks against her cheeks in their wake. “I feel like I’m dying but I’m not…they won’t let me die…just like they didn’t let me die last time. They’re just torturing me…that’s all they’re doing…just…they’re just…it’s fucking torture…” she trailed off. “They keep talking about the accident…keep telling me to think about it…to remember…and I do…I do remember it.” She sobbed. “I fucking remember now…and it’s like I’m back there again…it fucking haunts me and I can’t…fucking…breathe…I can’t breathe because of it…I can’t…” Lisa rolled the sleeves of her jumper up with difficulty, her right arm enclosed inside a cumbersome plaster cast. She hung her head in her hands, shaking it for a moment in despair.