Trials and Tribulations [Chaelisa]

Chapter 53

“About you having more independence?” Chaeyoung questioned and Lisa nodded her head in response. “Lili I’d do anything to help you,” Chaeyoung said supportively, placing her own teaspoon in to the tub of Nutella and her now free hand against the side of Lisa’s face lovingly. “You know that right?”

“Yes,” Lisa answered, chuckling to herself and pressing the side of her cheek in to Chaeyoung’s palm more firmly. “That’s kind of the problem though.”

“What do you mean?” Chaeyoung responded confused.

“You’re amazing,” Lisa stated conclusively tilting her head back into a more neutral position. “You are Rosie,” she reaffirmed. “Even when we weren’t dating, right back at the start of our friendship, you were always there to help and support me in everything.” She continued. “I don’t want you to think that I’m ungrateful because I’m not. I really appreciate everything that you’ve done for me and everything that you still do for me…”

“You don’t want me to do them any more though,” Chaeyoung finished for Lisa when her girlfriend failed to complete her sentence, her voice instead fading out doubtfully.

“I know it’s ridiculous,” Lisa said, rolling her eyes slightly. “I’m being ridiculous. I know.”

“You’re not ridiculous,” Chaeyoung countered.

“I am,” Lisa disagreed. “I mean, the things you do for me, they’re small, you know? It’s like, you’ll open the door for me or carry my bag.” She informed her. “Or you’ll help me in and out of the car and its sweet…” She noted. “Chivalrous even…”

“But?” Chaeyoung pressed knowingly.

“I think they’re normal things to do when you’re in a relationship,” Lisa continued, ignoring Chaeyoung’s prompt for the negative part of the conversation to begin. “I think that if you were in a relationship with anyone else, it wouldn’t matter…”

“I’m in a relationship with you,” Chaeyoung reminded her. “So it does matter Lili, especially if you don’t like me doing it…”

“No,” Lisa interrupted. “See, that’s exactly what I don’t want you to think Rosie. It’s not that I don’t like it when you do those things for me, it’s just that sometimes I feel like you do them because you don’t think that I can.”

“So you want to know my motivation behind helping you?” Chaeyoung asked her, trying to understand Lisa’s concerns so that she could quell them. Lisa nodded almost imperceptibly in response and Chaeyoung sighed as she thought of the best way to respond. “I don’t know why I do it,” Chaeyoung answered honestly after a pause. “I’ll admit that initially it was because you couldn’t do things for yourself,” she continued. “You struggled with your bag at school and you kept falling out of the car, so…I started to help you with those things. I guess that I’ve been doing it for you for so long now that they’ve just become like second nature to me.” She admitted.

“So now, when we’re walking together I’ll find myself with the sudden urge to put my arm around your waist to steady you, or I’ll want to pour you something to drink when we’re watching movies with the girls because I know how embarrassed you are when you spill it all over the floor…”

“I know that you’re doing it for me,” Lisa said, “but sometimes it makes me feel like…”

“It makes you feel like what Lili?” Chaeyoung prompted sensing Lisa’s hesitation. “It’s ok, you can tell me. I won’t be upset, I promise.”

“Sometimes it makes me feel like you don’t believe in me,” Lisa explained, “it makes me feel like I can’t do it, that I’m incapable…and that…that makes me feel bad Chaeyoung. It makes me feel like we’re not equal and I hate that.” Chaeyoung’s brow creased in response to Lisa’s words, but she said nothing in reply as she contemplated her girlfriend’s words. “Now you’re upset,” Lisa said feeling guilty for even bringing it up at all.