Brendon Urie Imagines and Smuts

Lucid Dreams (Imagine)

Hey loves! I am SO sorry that it's been so long. I lost all motivation for writing but then the idea for this chapter suddenly came to me. It's based on what happened to me during the lockdown (except it obviously wasnt with Brendon). Love you all and please stay safe in these weird times x

Y/N POV:

It's been 6 months. 6 whole months since he left my life. I should be over him, I should have moved on ages ago. But, I can't. He still consumes my thoughts and even on the days where I don't give him much thought, he appears in my dreams. I am left with this overwhelming feeling that things shouldn't have ended the way they did. I loved him with all my heart, I gave that man everything I could but it wasn't enough.

The start of our relationship was what most people would call a 'whirlwind romance', but it didn't feel like that to us. We were young, in love and we couldn't get enough of each other. No time we spent together was long enough and that's how I knew he was the one. Nobody else mattered to me, he was all I'd ever wanted. We were in this happy bubble for several months before things started to go downhill. Things with his work started to go downhill. He'd been struggling to write new songs for the album he was working on. I could tell he was getting himself worked up, which meant that he wasn't in the best mindset for creating music. I tried my best to convince him to get away for a bit, remove himself from his usual routine and have some time for himself. But, he took it as me suggesting he was incapable of writing. Of course, this was ridiculous, but I backed down, not wanting to cause a massive argument.

Soon, he started sleeping in the spare room. He blamed it on his erratic sleeping pattern, saying he didn't want to disturb me. But, what he didn't know was that I struggled to sleep without him by my side anyway. He was going through a tough time and I was driving myself mad, trying to convince myself that we'd be OK. I was in complete denial, not wanting to accept that we were headed for trouble. Before long, we were barely spending any time together. He decided to take my advice and get away, but didn't invite me with him. I tried to calm myself down, saying it was best for him but then our messages became even more spaced out. I'd end each day by messaging him that I loved him and he stopped altogether.

One morning, I received a text from my friend that made my stomach drop. She'd see Brendon out to dinner with another woman. Unable to stop herself, she got herself a table and watched them intently, wondering if it was just a business meeting. But, the hand holding across the table and the kiss that followed afterwards told her otherwise. Life as I knew it stopped. I had no clue what to do. Did I confront him straight away? Did I just pack my things and move back in with my parents? I spent most of that day pacing around the house and when I wasn't pacing, I'd lay in bed screaming/crying into my pillow. How had things gone downhill so quickly? As soon as I'd started to have my worries about our relationship, I should have spoken to him.

When he returned from his 'trip', he tried to act like everything was normal. It almost killed me because it was the most attention he'd given me in weeks. But, deep down I knew it couldn't carry on. He'd kissed another woman and as much as I loved him, it was unforgivable. When I confronted him, he at least had the grace to look guilty but he didn't try to deny it. He fed me some lies, saying he didn't know how to tell me. He didn't want to upset me, because he knew it would hurt. But, he assured me that he was in love with me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I remained strong and told him that, despite everything, I didn't hate him. I hated what he'd done, but I could never hate him. Then, I went out of the room, packed a suitcase and drove to my parent's house. We'd agreed to give it a couple of weeks before picking up contact again, to try and give ourselves time to heal.

It was me that reached out first. But, I was greeted with no response. I tried again a week later, pleading that he at least let me know he was OK. As the band was on hiatus, his social media was silent so I genuinely had no idea if he was alright. Again, I was given no response. It wasn't until my third message that he finally snapped, telling me he'd decided he didn't want me in his life anymore. He'd hoped that I'd met someone in the break, so that it would be easier for me. Suddenly, I was filled with a hot rage. He seriously expected me to find someone in two weeks and erase our time together just like that?

Of course, he tried to come back into my life eventually. He told me that nobody was quite like me and he'd tried, but he couldn't stop thinking about me. Luckily, I'd had enough time to reflect and I realised that I was worth more. I deserved more than a coward who couldn't even tell me he didn't love me anymore.

6 months on, it still kills me. I know I deserve more, but I cling onto this idea of how things could have been so much more different. Part of me will always love him. Brendon Boyd Urie was the first person I loved and the first person who truly broke my heart.