Starman | BTS 8th Member | *ੈ✩‧₊˚(editing)

11.

"you've only been here a week i dont know what you could know about me" he turned away, but i could still see his face in the mirror. 

"A month actually" i frowned, i felt anxiety claw at my chest, it was becoming more and more consuming. suffercating. i glared at his eyes through the mirror.

he ignored this and turned the music off. and now the silence. 

"i think you should take a bit of time." it was easier  to say in the mirror.

"can you do me a favour and shut up?" hoseok yelled. kicking the mirror in frustration.

 "stop pretending to care" he finally yelled.

"dont fucking yell at me, god, youre so ungrateful" i spat, finally loosing my lid

" i won't care then" I snapped. i dropped the food down, and kicked it into a corner. "starve, live in misery, die. ill get lost. leave little jung hoseok to his self destruction." 

He was silent. his eyes followed my hands as they ran through my hair. he swallowed. 

i stopped and let the silence fill up his ears before i spoke again, this time more softly. 

"I know that's not you whos talking. i thought you were nicer than that" 

He looked a little shocked, but still opened his mouth "Oh you know do you, oh come on what do you know? tell me, seeing you've been here a month what do you know?" "if you're so smart, tell me?"

I closed my eyes, my body was shaking. "then are you this horrible to everyone? i pitty the members for living with you for this long" i spat.

"You're not going to reach them standards like this. not by being such a cunt about things" 

Hoseok was silent. I had finally shut him up. done the world a favour. 

The memorise of him shouting were still almost burnt into my head. I wiped my eyes, just incase i cried without my knowledge. 

Finally someone i had felt safe with and i had ruined it already. I hate myself. cant have anything nice.

You can't make everyone happy.

I walked back to the dorms our argument still crammed into my head. It was giving me a headache. it took so much space in my brain, i dont think it would ever be possible to think of anything else again. 

i took the lift. i hope ill get stuck so i don't have to return.

"What's up with you?" Jungkook asked as I quickly ran past. I snickered. "Don't talk to me" i said trying my best to ignore him and not to cry. i dont want to break the world record on the amount of arguments i have in a day.

i switched my light off and flung myself on my bed. i hope my ribs break one day.

my head is so loud. it was like a constant rushing in my ears. the sound a train makes when i rushes past you. i must have thought of everything under the sun. my heart felt like it would never calm down. 

it was like someone was flicking through the channels on the tv, i constantly heard snipits of my argument. over and over. or like someone was playing five songs at once.

The rattle of the door caught my attention. a draft. It continued. Jungkook must have opened a window again. It only got louder.

I cursed again. "That kid" i muttered to myself putting my chair against it and putting my earphones in. I curled up.

the thought of hoseok made me sick. the thought of him only made me angry. i think if i seen him again id hit him. under all the anger was the sadness m which always lasts longer.  i sniffled. dont you dare cry.