The Warmest Winter✓

Forty-nine

It's the fourth Thursday of November. Roshni arrives around ten in the morning upon our agreement to have the Thanksgiving dinner here at my house. I had to talk to her last night, for I couldn't get a wink of sleep thinking of my hospital visit and the news I got.

"You sounded so worried last night. Is something wrong?" Roshni stares at me and our brown eyes collide smoothly.

I usher her into the kitchen where I've been busy with the grocery bags, helping Mrs. Prescott to arrange everything to their rightful place. I gave her and Lisa an early leave today so they can celebrate Thanksgiving with their families.

"I can't say everything is fine. I'll be lying to you," I answer with a sigh.

"Why?" Roshni whispers carefully while taking a seat on the barstool.

Again I take a deep breath, unable to proceed with my task. Eventually I put the grocery bags away and take a seat on the barstool next to Roshni.

"I need to tell Liam something serious but I don't know how to. I'm so scared of his reaction, and I'm so afraid of what will happen to us afterwards." I'm twiddling with my fingers, eyes on my hands on the countertop.

"Is it something you did? Some kind of a mistake that you think he won't forgive?" Roshni asks cautiously.

"No." I glance at her with a feeble smile. "Apparently it's something I can't do. It's something he wants so badly but I can't give it to him . . . even if I want to." I bite my upper lip, a smooth mechanism to repress my pricking tears.

I want to tell her everything, but I believe it's my husband who should know about it first.

Roshni takes a soft sigh, squaring her shoulders. "I don't know how serious that is, Kira . . . but if you can't do it, then it means it's out of your control, right?"

"Hmm." I bob my head.

"Well, you should tell Liam about it," Roshni says suggestively with a hopeful smile. "I'm sure he'll understand."

Indeed I should. But I do hope he'll understand. I surely hope so.

"You're right," I remark, thinking of the many mischances my husband and I have pulled through together. "I'll talk to him. He needs to know even if I'm scared to death." My chest tightens.

"Exactly. Give him the chance before making your own assumptions," Roshni stipulates.

I breathe soundly, meditating this conversation in silence. It's like no matter where I go, something bad will always find me.

I thought maybe this time I'll have a normal flow of life events. Marriage, kids, and a happy motherhood. But no! It's always a bumpy route for me.

Just why? Why am I such a bad luck?

"Just this once I thought it could work," I think out loud, tears escaping my eyes at last, freely, for I can't hold it anymore.

"Hey, it's going to be fine." Roshni wraps me into a warm hug despite the confusion on her face. "I don't know what it is that you're going through, but there's nothing without a solution. Trust yourself, Kira. Trust Liam."

I wish it was easy.

"Okay." Sighing, I try to pull myself together. I dry my tears and mutter, "Let's forget the sadness and begin cooking. I ordered the boys to be here early so we better not disappoint." I force a laugh while dropping off the barstool.

"Right." Roshni smiles. "So what are you planning to cook? And it looks a lot!" Roshni peers through the scattered grocery bags on the countertop.

"I haven't decided yet." I open the fridge door, trying to put my mind onto something. "I'm thinking of some fried rice and roasted turkey for the main dish. The boys love that. And we're cooking plenty enough for everyone, including the security team outside." I glance at Roshni, who's now pouring herself a cup of cinnamon tea.