Frozen Grapes | KSJ ✔

.forty.

As I close the door behind me, my eyes remain on the floor, afraid of meeting his eyes. Even as I walk up to the side of his bed, I look everywhere but him. 

"Love." 

"How am I supposed to feel, Oppa?" I whisper. "Is it wrong for me to be angry? A mix of being concerned, worried, relieved that you're okay, angry that you're here regardless, and so so scared?" 

Seokjin sighs. "Love, look at me." 

I finally look. Seokjin is dressed in his own clothing, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed and ready to be discharged. His hair curtains over to the side, just above his eyebrows, and I'm once again mesmerized by his good looks. He reaches out for both of my hands and I let him. Thumbs rub across my knuckles and I lean down to press my lips against the top of his head. 

"I'm sorry. The world tour this year is going to be the most taxing out of everything we've ever done, and I wanted to make sure I would be able to present the best version of myself to my fans." 

I shake my head and frown. "Is this the best version of yourself, Oppa? In a hospital because you fainted since you couldn't even take care of yourself? Is this the best version?" 

Seokjin lets go of my hands to reach up and cup my cheek. His own struggles and turmoil mix together behind his eyes. "I can't complain about being bad at something if I don't make an effort to be better. Someone cannot complain about being bad at an instrument if they don't put in the time and effort to practice and grow better." 

I let out a frustrated breath. "But you're taking this too far. Can't you see that? Being in a hospital like this, can you really not see that?" 

Seokjin closes his eyes and ducks his head. "I see it, Love. I know what you mean, and I understand why you're frustrated. I just don't know how to find that balance." 

I take off my glasses and run a hand down my face before taking a seat next to him on the bed. "You promised you would take care of yourself. You promised to get better and find balance. How do you expect me to not worry while you go on your tour?" 

Seokjin gives a smile and looks back up to me. "I haven't really thought about that. Most of my concerns have more so been focused on if you would be able to take care of yourself and keep yourself accountable while I was gone." 

I look to the left as I think. Another sigh deflates my frame. "We need to stop hiding our burdens from each other. It's not helping either of us." 

My words are met with silence and the two of us continue to think. Where were we supposed to go from here? The world tour would start in a few days. What then? Maybe that wasn't what we should be focusing on. Maybe we should be focusing on ourselves. 

"Hana. Love." I look over at Seokjin. "Namjoon and Yuna are taking a break from their relationship for the tour. They understand that one of the biggest antagonists to a relationship are expectations. They'll keep in touch, but they won't feel that pressure of being a significant other, and will support each other as friends. When he comes back, they'll pick up where they left off. They decided that the pressure and expectations would be too much for both of them to maintain a relationship during such a hectic year." 

I nod my head in understanding. Considering the circumstances, taking a break from a relationship would be the healthier option so that there was less room left for miscommunication. But when I realize what Seokjin is alluding to, I look back to him. Doubts, fears, and insecurities start to bubble up, and I force myself to keep a clear mind so I can sort through logical thought processes. 

"Oppa, you know how on an airplane, you're told to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else?" He tilts his head in confusion at my random scenario but nods. "You aren't able to help others before first helping yourself. Or else, you yourself could end up damaged, dying, losing yourself. Helping someone else before you're secure first can end to your own termination." 

I watch as Seokjin's eyes shift as the gears start clicking. "Oppa, help yourself first. Please." I swallow and then exhale softly. "We've tried so hard to help each other." My voice is quieter and I notice the tick of Seokjin's jaw. Examples of our relationship where we've put up the mask of happiness for the sake of the other I'm sure were running through both of our heads. I know that I've hidden a lot from Seokjin, thinking I was doing it for his own good, which means that there were probably things he had hidden from me as well with the same intentions. Us being at this hospital now was enough proof of that. 

"We've tried so hard to help each other," I start again, "but our efforts fall as useless unless we both learn how to first help ourselves." 

Looking back at our relationship now, I realize that this is a conversation we should have had in the first few phases of our relationship. This was long overdue, and because we had pushed it back for so long, our efforts in trying to be a supporter for each other had only ended up damaging our own selves more. 

We couldn't grow as people together because we didn't even know who we were. This relationship could not hold a purpose until we personally found our own. 

Relationships are made of individuals. We don't know who we are as individuals. 

We couldn't be in a relationship with each other if we didn't even know how to be in a relationship with ourselves.

The moment these realizations settle in my mind, the more at peace my heart is at. My mind starts to relax more as I acknowledge the next step we needed to take. We could not move forward from here until we took it. 

When my eyes shift back to Seokjin, his head shifts to look at me, and I know that our thoughts are the same. He closes his eyes and nods slowly. "Let's take that break," he says carefully. 

I nod. "Both of us need it. This is my final wish." 

Seokjin's eyes open and he gives a weak smile. "I want to make it clear that I still appreciate and respect and care for you as much as I always have." 

His words bring a laugh out of me. It feels nice to laugh amidst this serious conversation. "I know, Oppa. Same goes for me. I'll continue to show you my support." 

Seokjin nods. "We'll keep in touch." 

I smile at him. "Of course." 

Seokjin stands up and I follow suit. He pulls me into an embrace and my arms immediately move to wrap around him. I inhale him, trying my hardest to store every detail of the sweet white cedar wood that was unique to Seokjin. I would miss this smell that always seemed to comfort me. But I would see him again. This was not goodbye. We would return to each other after finding the best version of ourselves. 

Both of us lean back from the embrace and Seokjin gives me a smile before brushing his lips against my forehead. When I look back up at him, the two of us silently stare at each other, our eyes roaming across every feature of the other's face and taking in this moment. But we don't stare for too long. 

Instead, we take a step back, letting go of each other so we can hold onto ourselves. 

I give Seokjin another smile before walking to the door and heading out. 

//

"Instead, we take a step back, letting go of each other so we can hold onto ourselves."