Frozen Grapes | KSJ ✔

.twenty-six.

I better start my period soon. 

My fingers glisten with saliva and I'm bending over the toilet, panting. I better start my period soon. 

For me personally, my body was never in the most terrible state during my period, but instead right before. The day before was when I would get uncomfortable stomach aches and cramps, and the day before was when I would always constantly be craving something. It was like my body thought that only carbs existed. 

I wasn't supposed to binge today. Weekdays were reserved for fasting. But when I couldn't tell the difference between pain from cramps or pain from hunger, I found myself opening the pantry cabinet. I'm convinced that that cabinet is enchanted; everytime I opened it, I couldn't seem to stop reaching inside. 

My fingers press on the back of my tongue once again and the binge I had completed less than five minutes ago continues to come up, burning my throat and leaving a repulsing taste in my mouth. I wanted to stop. Not only now, but I wanted to stop this toxic cycle of fasting and binging, guilt and determination. Every week, my mind went through bipolar rides of emotion and I was growing more fatigued with the forward movement of time. 

Again. Again. I have to be better. I have to be better. Both hands clasp onto the rim of the bowl as I hurl. And then...and then...Hair is swept out of my face and a hands pats my back. I turn my head slightly, spotting a pair of long legs and the bottom hem of a sweatshirt. Seokjin's hands continue to act as a hair tie for the ponytail he creates with my hair. 

"Love, what's wrong? Are you okay?" 

My mind searches for an excuse as I panic. When I look back down at the chunky, brown liquid, guilt courses through me, making me want to purge again. I reach out, flush the toilet, and watch as water rushes into the bowl, clearing out the remains of my uncontrolled mess. 

"I'm fine," I say as I stand up. My hand covers my mouth, knowing I would have bad breath as a result of my shameful actions. "I think it was just something I ate. I'm also about to start my period soon so my body isn't in the best state right now." I should seriously consider being an actor. 

Seokjin blinks rapidly and stares down at me with concern. "Do you want me to do anything? Anything I can do to help your stomach?" 

I smile. "Maybe a little space so I can freshen up in the bathroom? I'm sure I look like a mess right now." 

Seokjin laughs. "I'll be honest, you've seen better days. Although you still look beautiful as always." 

I'm glad the atmosphere is light-hearted. I would hate to make Seokjin concerned immediately after he came back from America and hasn't seen me in two weeks. My smile grows, hoping to ease any concern he might have left. "I'll come out in a bit. We can have a proper reunion then." 

Seokjin grins and nods, and I walk over to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. The moment it clicks into place, the smile on my lips drops and I slide down the barrier of the door, curling into a ball as I silently cry. 

What is the most frustrating feeling in the world? I'm sure there are countless, infinitely many answers to that question. Right now, the most frustrating feeling in the world feels like it's when you want to scream, sob, let out all of your emotions, but instead, you're forced to cover your mouth so the cries are silent. When tears are rushing down your face and your shoulders shake with each gasp inhaled, but still, you can't let out everything inside of you and you're forced to remain silent. That feeling. 

That feeling in the moment seems like the most frustrating in the world. I know that if I take too long in the bathroom, Seokjin may grow suspicious. So even though I'm not done crying, even though my mind still isn't stable, I force myself to stand back up onto my feet.