Her Boyfriend, My Husband

CHAPTER 46

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Maryam's POV

Mine and Yusuf's first wedding anniversary was last month, and with that, came the bitter realization of our time together coming to an end. Though this was my greatest concern, I couldn't talk to Yusuf about it for fear of it actually coming true. The troubles we've gone through together had only made our relationship stronger and made me realise that should I actually part with Yusuf, I would be shattered beyond repair.

Our first ordeal was just a few weeks after me and Yusuf relocated back to Abuja and I found out I was pregnant. It was a heavy mix of feelings at first and through my anxiety at experiencing what it was like to be expecting a child, what weighed more was the worry of having to confront Zainab. I became stuck in a state of sadness that was akin to depression and though Yusuf tried his best to assure me that everything would be fine, I couldn't bring myself to accept it until eventually the level of stress I had put myself in led to my first miscarriage.

The emotional pain of seeing your child bleeding out of you hurt more than the physical pain. I had blamed myself for everything. If only I had taken more proper care of myself. If only I was more focused on actually wanting the pregnancy rather than thinking of what Zainab would say or do when she comes back to see me with a child.

Yusuf did his best but I refused to be convinced that it wasn't all my fault, that I hadn't killed our child. I carried that guilt in my heart and it tortured me every day but it still wasn't enough of a punishment. When we found out I was pregnant again, this time I was cautious, putting off all worries from my mind and going the extra mile to make myself happy. Yusuf even hired a nurse that confined me to the bed and didn't let me do anything but eat, sleep and do some exercises. Despite this, they still came a day in the eleventh week of my pregnancy when I woke up to find myself bleeding and I was rushed to the Emergency Room.

My second miscarriage hit me like a blow on the gut. I envisioned I had felt what Farida felt all that time ago and it was worse than I could ever imagine. It could probably be said to be the worst experience of my life and it took a lot to bring me out of that state of misery.

It has been roughly a week since I was discharged from the hospital and I was glad that Yaya Abdallah hadn't visited earlier than this. I felt strangely ashamed of him knowing anything about it and I only agreed to follow him out of the house because I wanted to avoid a situation where Mommy might tell him. As we walked through the streets, I almost couldn't bring myself to look Yaya in the eye if he comes to know and his visit as well as his words only reminded me of how I would feel tenfold worse when it was time to face Zainab.

"What about Zainab huhn? How can you do this to her after she's trusted you?" Yaya screamed, making the guilt I had repressed for so long resurface.

"Break my heart fine, but why do the same thing to your best friend? How can you even face Zainab and tell her what you just told me?"

That was the last thing I let him say before I broke free of his hold and bolted towards the house, praying that he wouldn't follow behind me. I ran with great difficulty, my abdomen was starting to pulse in pain but I didn't stop until I was inside the doors of the house and I closed them behind me, panting as I leaned on the door to catch my breath. I couldn't answer any of Yaya's questions, it was better that I fled from them for the time being and I was glad that he didn't follow me.