Her Boyfriend, My Husband

CHAPTER 30

Maryam's POV

It's absurd but behind this stern and emotionless front I show to Yusuf, is a multitude of feelings I can't even begin to explain. First, there's this foreboding of living in the aftermath of Kaka's death. I no longer feel sad but still, it's this uneasiness and a lingering sense of shock. And then second, it's this confusion over why I find it so hard to stamp my feet on the ground and say that no, it's impossible for me to feel anything for Yusuf, whether now or in the future, it's just impossible for this marriage to ever become real so it's equally impossible for me to fulfill Kaka's promise. I'll be plagued with guilt forever over this but for now, I'd rather break Kaka's promise than break Zainab's.

Or do I?

That is the annoying part, seeing how I can't just be logical and decide what's the best decision to make. Just throwing Yusuf out of my life after these ten months come to pass should be the easiest decision I could ever make but sadly, it is not. I cannot seem to imagine my life without him. I've barely known him for 4 whole months but still, I feel like he's been with me my whole life and a future without him is simply impossible. But why? 

I kept racking my brain and being irritated at every single thing as I got up from the table I had just finished eating dinner on and headed to the kitchen. I dropped the plates into the sink and started scrubbing them while the annoying clips of Yusuf's face kept playing in my mind. Why was I wasting a single second thinking about him? Why did it bother me when he abruptly left me alone to go attend to whatever excuse it is he made up? I understand that I'm being cold towards him but why would Yusuf just leave me alone like this? Can't he see that I need him? But he still made up some excuse to go to the office and leave me alone after we'd just arrived back in Lagos.

Why did I even care? Why did I even care that he went out instead of sitting across me and just being there for me even if I kept him at a distance? I should even be happy but why was I everything but happy over this his meagre two hour absence?

It was only half-past 10 pm but I found myself pacing in the hallway by the front door, waiting for the doorknob to turn and for Yusuf to come in. He had his own set of keys so even if I go sleep, he could open the door himself but still, I just felt the need to wait for him. 

I busied myself with scrolling randomly through my phone and when the door finally started to open, it was almost 12 am. When Yusuf finally came in, I lacked the courage to face him and even though I spent the last two hours waiting for him, I didn't say a word to him and just started walking to my room. 

"We need to talk." I heard Yusuf call out to me from behind.

I turned to him slowly and upon seeing the expression on his face, I decide I didn't have the energy to face whatever he had to say right now. I swallowed and coughed, trying to sound stern.

"I'm sleepy, we'll talk tomorrow." I even did him a favour since I cared enough to reply. "Goodnight."

"No," Yusuf followed behind me and quickly overtook me, "We'll talk right here and right now so sit down."

I was surprised by the confidence and authority in his tone but nonetheless, I didn't let it get to me and I simply continued walking to my room.

I was about to close the room door when Yusuf appeared and placed his foot on the threshold, stopping the door from closing.

I sighed and attempted to slam the door close again but his foot was still in the way.

"What do you want?" I was beyond irritated.

"We need to talk." he repeated in the same tone.

"And I told you that I'm sleepy so we'll talk in the morning." I pushed the door again but Yusuf's foot was still in place.