Her Boyfriend, My Husband

CHAPTER 32

Maryam's POV

I came out of the shower feeling a little bit lighter, the hot water has worked it's magic on me, relieving every tense muscle and washing away part of the accumulated stress. Although my mood remains damp, I can't help but notice I feel so much better. The promise I made to Kaka still worries me a bit more than his death does, which I can't help but feel guilty about. It's not like I'm not worried and sad, but when you have lived through the death of your parents at a very young age and gotten over it, you begin to see death as just a passage. It's still scary but you learn to accept it.

I was about to unwrap my bathrobe and get dressed when I hesitated, suddenly self conscience eventhough I was alone in the whole house. I've been having this strange feeling since yesterday, there was no one close to me but I still felt like I was being watched. I would look around and around and eventually tire and give up but the feeling still remained and I could hardly do anything freely anymore. Even changing clothes was becoming a task and I had to wonder if Yusuf was making me run mad.

I sighed as I just left the robe on and covered myself further in a hijab before stepping out of the room. For what is now a full 36 hours, I haven't seen Yusuf. We lived in the same house, yes but I have been avoiding him like the plague since since the day before yesterday. That unfortunate day he brought upon this calamity on me. Since he made this same dream keep repeating on and on in my mind whenever I go to sleep.

It was horrifying, the sense of guilt I felt whenever that door burst open and Zainab broke in crying with her accusations at me and then falling lifeless to the floor. But then the messed up part was that in those few moments when Yusuf was near me, and when his touch caressed my skin, I felt a weird kind of bliss. If only he didn't put us in such a complicated situation. How could he be so selfish to Zainab?

No. I just cannot do this and if Yusuf doesn't care about Zainab, I do and there's no way I would betray her like he wanted. It will only take less than ten months now and that's all, I'd be free of him and all these conflicting emotions. I'd finally stop being confused.

I have been staying in my room till well pass 10 am when I'm a hundred percent sure that Yusuf wasn't at home and immedietly it was 5 pm, I'd lock myself in my room once again and only come out the next morning. I have no idea how I would handle weekends though since he'd be at home through out but I'll still somehow find ways to get out of his way.

I made myself breakfast and with a bowl of kunun acca in my hands, I sat in front of the TV, prepared to start counting down to the free time I had before he comes back and I have to hide myself in the room again. So this is what my life has turned into? I miss my old life, my daily routine of waking up and going to work then coming back home where Mommy's warm hugs await. But now, here I am living like some prisoner and I automatically start feeling pity for myself but didn't dwell on it for too long. I tuned into a reality tv show and for a few minutes, I let the exaggerated drama consume me and distract me from the emotions that were about to rupture my heart.

But then there was one thing I couldn't get off my chest since yesterday afternoon. It has been hunting me and it was the only thing threatening to force me to meet Yusuf face to face. I just feel so guilty for not informing him that while he was at work, two maintenance workers came over to the house and after they did some general check ups on the roofs, I had to sign in in his stead. I know if I don't eventually tell him, it was going to continue bugging me and eating away at my mind so it was better that I just tell him and save myself the stress. This was Yusuf's house, and I'm basically a tenant living out the rest of my year's worth of rent so it's his right to know everything that's going on. I ofcourse wouldn't want to tell him in person so I took the best alternative, I brought out my phone and texted him.