not how it's supposed to go ||KageHina Fanfic||

"he doesn't need me anymore."

Hinata's POV

I hear Sugawara-san call out my name. But I don't turn back. I just grab my bike as I quickly as possible and just get the hell out of there. I don't want them to see that I was so weak and pathetic. I didn't want them to know that I loved Kageyama. Even though they probably already know, I still didn't want to have to deal with facing them straight up and answering their questions. I was afraid that they'd judge me and leave me. Maybe even be disgusted that I liked someone with the same gender. That anxiety was just mixing with what just happened. I hop on my bike and start to pedal.

I pedal. I pedal and pedal as fast as I can as I wipe my tears that continued to stream down my cheeks. I shout and cry. I hear the echoes of my screams rummaging through the city. The moonlight was blinding my eyes and reflecting on my tears. I can hardly see anything with that blinding light. I was pedaling my bike on the last few minutes to finally get to my house and cry all I want. Maybe I'll even feel better. Maybe.

As I shout, I see people's lights in their houses light up. I must've woken them up. Knowing that, I still don't shut up. I just cry and cry until the pain in my heart goes away. My heart was broken. It was completely shattered. Kageyama... "he doesn't need me anymore." That thought lingers and lingers around my head, slowly and slowly my shouts and cries get louder. I finally reached my home.

The echoes made my cries louder and disrupted the quiet ambience of the place. It completely made me feel worse as I felt this loneliness sink in. The loneliness that makes me feel like no one is here to comfort me and calm me down. I close the front door as I throw my bag on the floor and immediately get into the bathroom.

I step in and look at the mirror. What was so wrong with me that Kageyama doesn't like? What did I have to change? My looks? My height? My body? My actions? Was it so wrong to be myself? I kept questioning myself. I kept wondering what I had to change for Kageyama to like me back. I sigh and start to fill up the bath tub with hot water.

It made me calm down as I hear the water slowly fill up the bath tub. The little droplets were making a sound that reminded me of rain, the water pouring and filling up the bath tub was like a waterfall or a downpour. A sad downpour of dejection and desolation.

I take off my clothes and sink my feet into the water but I stop... the hot water made me flinch as if something had bitten it. It was as if I dipped my toes into lava but colder. I sink my feet in completely and endure the heat. It was almost burning or scarring my skin. Sooner or later, I dip my entire body in. The water overflowed and reduced. The water falling out of the bath made a sound like a waterfall. The remaining water weren't as hot as before. Actually... it's gotten a bit colder.

I just stare around the bathroom. I stopped crying after a while. As I made my eyes wander around, I got flashed by a light in the little door of the cabinet. Wondering what it was, I stood up and went over to it. I open it up and I see... a blade. A very sharp one, actually. I look at it for a while. I then flipped over my arms to reveal my wrists.

'I wonder what it feels like to cut it.'

I get into the bath tub again and hold up the blade. I was shaking. I haven't done this before. Slowly, I managed to get the blade on top of my wrists. I take a deep breath and then slash. *slash* slash* slash* It stung a little bit but... I just kept doing it. Over and over again while crying my eyes out again and saying the words "he doesn't need me." Over and over again. I kept slashing it and slashing it, hoping the pain in my heart goes away. *slash* *slash* slash*. After a few more, the pain finally hit me. The blade falls onto the ground and the water in the bath tub was now red and the floor had little droplets from blood.

I stand up and quickly bandage it. I couldn't feel it anymore. I stop shaking as the pain slowly goes away. I drain the water, I clean the blade and the floor, and I put the blade back in the drawer. I put on some clothes and head straight to bed. I slowly drifted to sleep.

~The next morning~

I wake up. It was 6 am so I had 2 more hours to get to school. I got up and I accidentally held my wrists. I wince from the pain. The bandage that was wrapped around it was completely filled with blood. As I remove the bandage, I notice that it already stopped bleeding. It just turned into obvious scars with just little spots of open wounds. It wasn't that bad but it still hurts a bit. The only problem was how to hide it.

I then remember the date today. It was already in the beginning of December. Even though it was close to Christmas and all the presents, it didn't make me happy a single bit. Once again, I've lost my smile. I couldn't bring myself to smile genuinely again. The things I found funny before didn't even make me laugh or even grin. The things I found happy or amazing didn't make me feel the slightest bit of happiness or shock. I guess they'll have to deal with my untrue smile for now.

Since it was December, it was getting cold. Winter was also coming so I guess I had an excuse to wear sleeves or jackets. I guess I can slip my way past this in practice. Will I even go to practice? I didn't even miss the feeling of spiking anymore. I was just filled with sadness. The people I love or thought I loved, didn't love me back.

My parents left me, my grandparents have left me, and my sister even left me. Kageyama left me, and I don't even see my middle school friends anymore. Was I really that hard to deal with? Was I really that annoying? Everyone that I have loved left me. All that's left for me to do is to love myself. And I can't even do that. I can't bring myself to love me. After all, I was the reason why people leave. I was the reason why everyone left me.