Saved - 5sos Fanfiction

Part 31 - Progress

-----Alison's POV-----

"Please honey, you gotta eat"

The desperation along with the worry in Ashton's voice doesn't even touch me, it's like he doesn't matter to me anymore. Like his voice isn't a melody anymore, it's just a voice. Maybe that's because I've fallen way to deep into this hole of darkness and silence, a place of oblivion. Is this what lost, sorrow and grief does to you? It grabs you, pulling you down, like the stories of mermaids pulling sailors into the seas. 

I've found myself drowning and suffocating in the pain of losing my mother. The pain, the sorrow, the big hole her death brought to my heart, is stabbing my heart and lungs, making me unable to breathe. Or maybe, it only erased the will to breathe, not the actual power to breathe. 

I don't even know if I make sense anymore. But this is how it has been since Claire told me. I've been thinking of something and then I'm traced into different sidetracks. This isn't an unfamiliar feeling though, I've been like this many times back in the UK, and back there, I got better every time. I fought alone, no one was there to support me. So how come I can not find the strenght or will to get better, even with the boys' and Claire's support? 

Ashton leans over so that his face is close to mine and he grabs my face gently. During these days, I have not once looked someone in the eyes, but this time, I do. I soon regret it when I notice the tears in Ashton's eyes. I reach my hand up in an attempt of putting it on top of his, that is still resting on my face, but I'm too weak, so it only falls back onto the bed.

"Please Ali, eat" he whispers and a tear falls from his eye and lands on my cheek. 

I weakly nod and a smile takes place on his face. He helps me so that I can sit up, leaning against the headboard and then he holds up a bowl with some sort of soup. A feeling of lightheadness hits me like a wave and I close my eyes, too weak to hold my head up.

"Babe?"

The dizziness disappears and I look back at Ashton while nodding weakly. He brings the bowl back up towards my face and holds the spoon out. 

I manage to finish the soup, feeling slightly better but not much because, let's face it, I haven't eaten in four days, even though Ashton forced some water into my throat yesterday, so I can not get better from soup. 

It's weird how I only can change when Ashton is around. It's scary as well. I trust him with all my heart and it feels like he is really supposed to be in my life as my boyfriend and best friend. He tells me that he'll never let me down, never leave me, and I believe him, I really do, but the fear of him leaving me is still there. And I think that if he left, or did something to lose my trust, I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I have the other boys, of course, and I love them with all my heart, they've become my brothers. The thing is, if Ashton and I broke up, they would probably go with him and I would be alone. And I don't really have any friends here. The only people I know is Claire, Trevor and the boys, and that thought is quite scary itself. 

Ashton keeps talking to me, trying to get me to talk, or at least make me focus on reality, what he is saying, but it's hard. With all these thoughts running around and the fact that my mother is dead it feels like my life has stopped, but everyone else around me continues to live and the time is still ticking, I'm just falling behind. 

"I'll be back hun" Ashton says, kissing my forehead before leaving the room, taking the bowl with him. 

 He doesn't close the door completely when he leaves and I can hear him walking down the stairs, talking with the others. I think that all of the boys are here, and that Trevor took Claire on a little trip to forget about everything, because let's face it, she  lost her sister as well. I'm not the only one who has lost someone close to me.