Saved - 5sos Fanfiction

Part 15 - They're back

"Ali!" Claire shouts from the front door as I'm in my room trying to fix the mess of hair on my head.

"Yeah!" I shout back, brushing through my hair.

"I'm leaving with Trevor now! Take care! See you in three days!" 

"Alright, bye! Have fun!" And then the front door is closed.

We got home yesterday from our tour and during the whole night me and Claire talked, we didn't even watch a movie or listened to music, we just talked. It was nice, really. We talked a little about my mum who I haven't talked to in a very long time which made me miss her and we both cried a little. So after that small talk with Claire yesterday I decided to call my mother today, like right now. 

After putting my hair up in a messy bun on the back of my head, I pick my phone up and call my mother. As the tones start, I get really nervous and I feel my heart beating faster. I don't really know why, I mean she's my mum. 

"Hello?" someone answers, at first I thought it wasn't mum because her voice was all raspy, but then I recognized it.

"Mum? Is that you?" I ask, just to be sure.

"Alison? How are you honey?" she asks, not sounding too excited actually which disappoints me. 

I don't really understand this. My mum is/was an alcoholic, she used to beat me, ignore me, she hated me, she took drugs, I hade to move to Australia because of her, and still I miss her and love her and want to meet her and be around her. Sure, I'm actually quite scared of her, but I still miss her. How is that? Does she even care about me? Maybe she doesn't even miss me, maybe she's happy that I'm gone. 

"I'm good mum, how are you?" I ask her, biting my nails as I get more and more anxious. Maybe I should just hang up...

"I'm great, I mean you're away living your life, getting yourself a happy life so I don't have to take care of you anymore and I, well, let's just say I found a way to make me happier" she says, and she probably doesn't realize that what she said actually really hurt.

"Have you gotten better with alcohol?" I ask her quietly.

She laughs. "Oh no no, I could never live without alcohol. Oh, someone is coming, bye"

And then she just hangs up. I'm shocked. I thought she was better. I thought she loved me. I thought we had a better relationship. I was wrong.

I guess I'm just a horrible daughter. I'm just so worthless, maybe the boys are happy too now that the tour is over so that they don't have to care about me. They're probably celebrating that right now. 

And suddenly it's like the happiness I've been feeling never happened. I can feel the darkness coming towards me and I can feel all of my laughs and smiles flying away. It's almost like I can hear my demons laughing at how stupid I ever was to believe I could be happy. 

I put my head in my hands, trying to block out everything. I'm rocking myself back and forth, trying to calm down but of course it isn't working. Voices begin to speak up in my mind, telling me I'm ugly, worthless, foolish, fat, annoying, clingy etc. The worst part is I can't make it stop. 

When it all gets too much, I just scream and cry. I don't scream words, I just scream. Just to try to be louder than the voices in my mind. Of course it isn't working. The tears are streaming down my face, my heart is aching and my soul is breaking. All of the happiness that the boys gave me is gone, it's so far away I can't even remember how it felt. 

The boys. They make me happy, what if they can make it stop?

And then I remember how Michael told me to call him if I was feeling down and I just didn't think about it any further. I stand up, grab my phone and walk back and forth as I call him. Tears are still rolling down my cheeks and I can't stop sobbing.