Footballer's hijabi wife

36. Blame and Shame

Our food is finally brought and I'm having burger and fries while maman has Chicken Salad. We were laughing at something Maman said when a couple walks in to the diner and they look at me awkwardly. I was unsure of the reason. Was it my hijab? Race? Before I finished, the guy spoke in a scouse accent.

'Aren't you that shit-man lazy Defender's wife??'

What?

'Oh my God, it's her!' The lady said.

They take their phones out wanting to record me. I remove the money immediately and place it on the table as me and Maman rush out the diner. Alhamdulillah our table was just by the door. They were still speaking crap.

What was that? My heart was beating so fast. I was shocked.
Can I catch a break? God. I cry.

We get into my car and maman asks me, 'are you okay?'

'I'm really not.' I break down crying.

'You can talk to me.' Truth is I didn't speak to anyone about what I was going through. I know I can talk to her. Usually I'd talk to Youssef but he's a man and as much as he's good to me sometimes I wanted to talk to a woman. My family was going through a lot.
Nasrah had her whole family in the hospital including herself. Asiyah I really can't burden. Ruqqayya and Saffiyya are young. Fatmah is far. My mother? I really can't talk to her.

I keep crying. Maman rubs my back.

'What's going on.'

' I feel guilty for not helping my brother and his family when they were rushed in the ER.'I drop that one first.

'Aqsa!'

God forbid if they didn't survive , it would kill me. The pain of losing any one of them would mess me up and the guilt would end me.

'Its not your fault. Even if you could help them you had to disclose they were family and you wouldn't be allowed to. It's okay to be vulnerable. It wasn't your duty to help them!'

'I don't know maman.' I cry.

'They are fine now right? You shouldn't burden yourself with that guilt it's too heavy and you don't deserve it.' She tells me.

' and then losing the baby.' I tell her.

' I am so sorry.'

'I can't help but think that it's my fault. I understand it's Allah's plan , I really do , but I can't help but think that what if it's a punishment for being negligent? For being ungrateful?'

I feel like I didn't take care of myself and that was on me. I didn't tie my camel.

She looks at me sadly.

'Aqsa, early miscarriages happen, it's common and it's not your fault. It happens to healthy young women,  you are a doctor you know it and it's not their fault either. It's not your fault.' She assures me.

I guess I just needed the assurance.

What if Youssef was also blaming me that's why he was always out?

' I feel alone.' I'm not sure if I should tell her about Youssef. It's her child I don't want to cause problems between all of us.

'I am so sorry my child. I feel your pain. I know it. I've been through it.' She tells me.

'I've had a miscarriage and it drains your heart and mind. You should be positive. Allah will give you more. He always does. If you are feeling depressed you should go to therapy don't hesitate.'

I nod. I didn't think I needed it. It was going to get better I just need some time.

'Alhamdulillah.' I reply.