Stutter-Taegguk

chapter xxviii

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

~~

When Jeongguk heard the front door click shut he immediately rose up from his bed and dashed down the stairs. He had spent the whole night thinking about the article and what he could do with it. And now his mom was out of the house, he would never get a more perfect opportunity than this. The bags under his eyes were big evidence of his sleepless night. He had planned out an entire route with the bike, leading him to the cliffs where he could think.

And when he was done thinking, maybe he could jump.

Because that was the thing. Jeongguk didn't actually wanna die. He wanted to fall in love, marry and have pups with a wonderful person that would care for him but it all seemed impossible right now. He feels like he will never be able to feel happiness again after everything that happened.

Jeongguk didn't even bother to eat breakfast, it would be a waste of food anyways. He would probably be dead by the evening.

A small smile appears on Jeongguk's face when he thinks about it, the tears were long gone. He didn't have the mental energy anymore to cry about it. All his tears were spilled in the last months and especially last night.

It had felt like everything came tumbling down again. All the time he had spent trying to heal from what happened went down the drain. After thinking about, his attempts were pathetic. He could never get a normal life, not when hybrids were getting sold left and right without people doing something about it. Not when hybrids were only getting seen as mere sex toys for humans.

Of course, deep down Jeongguk knew he had every single right a human had. It just never seemed like that. He had always been different and sometimes different is fun, different is unique. But he was just too different to fit in. He would always be treated differently than others. What happened wouldn't probably be the only two times and Jeongguk just had to accept that.

Too bad he was such a pathetic human who chose death over fighting.

But Jeongguk doesn't want to fight anymore. He doesn't want to accept what happens. He wants none of it. He just wants to feel numb.

Suddenly his phone started ringing, causing him to flinch. With big eyes, he stared at the screen, seeing jiminie hyung with a lot of hearts behind the name flashing on the screen.

Jeongguk smiled softly, answering the phone.

"With G-ggukkie" he said.

He could hear a giggle on the other side of the telephone.

Oh, that's right. Jimin didn't know what happened yesterday.

"Hey, it's Jimin"

I know, Jeongguk thought.

"Me and Julie were wondering if you could hang out with us today, you're also free, aren't you"

Jeongguk nodded but then quickly realized that Jimin couldn't see that.

"I-i-i-i already h-ha-ha-have p-plans today"

"Oh"

There was a short silence before Jeongguk spoke up.

"S-s-so-sorry"

"It's not a problem, Gguk. But call us if you change your mind, okay?"

"Y-yes"

"Bye, bye"

And then the line went silent, followed by the ending call tune. Jeongguk sighed and put his phone down. He wasn't planning on taking the thin device with him later but now that he thought about it, it seemed nice to play some music. But on the other hand, it would be a waste of his phone, he could just leave it here and then maybe his mom could sell it. It would be selfish of him to take it with him.

A soft tear rolled off his cheek. It felt like the realization only seeped in now. He was going to be dead in a few hours.

Dead.

It felt weird to think about it for too long. Would he really have the courage to jump? Or would he back off when he saw the cliffs?

pathetic

He shook his head, trying to get the voice out. It was now or never, he wouldn't get a chance like this anymore. His mom wasn't away that often so it would probably be another few months before he was all by himself. Before, he didn't mind. He loved it when his mom was there. They would often cuddle and color together, watch some cartoons or play outside. But now it seemed all so childish and stupid. He wasn't a toddler anymore, why was he even acting like that.

Soft tears escaped his eyes as he walked down the hallway. Jeongguk felt miserable but also kinda relieved. Like it would be all over in a matter of hours. He wouldn't feel the pain anymore. And oh, the adrenaline he would feel when his feet lifted themself off the cliff, jumping down.

Silent sobs left his body when he opened the door and walked to the bus station, ready to take the bus to the cliffs.

~~

The wind was messing up his brown locks, rippling through the air. It was nice to feel the cold air hitting his face. Just the thought that he was now at the final stage of his life made him shiver more than the wind ever could.

Death.

If he wished he could be dead in a few seconds. He would just need to run without stopping. Straightforward.

Wouldn't that be beautiful?

He let out a relaxed sigh. There was a sudden feeling of power leeping through his chest. This was one of the few occasions in his life where he got to choose what would happen with him. It was his choice. If he chose death or staying alive, it didn't really matter at the moment because he got to choose.

There was no one else that could make that choice for him.

It made him feel like he was finally in charge of his own life. His tail swept excitedly and his ears twitched when there was a new vlague of wind.

It all felt complete now.

~~

I'm sorry that i didn't really put the process of suicide in detail beforehand. I know that it usually takes years before people actually do it and that it's not realistic to kill yourself after one night of suicidal thoughts but i was like that too, so it's hard for me to write about it. That's why i decided to make it like this and not write the huge thought process of self-destructive thoughts and constantly thinking of ways to kill yourself. I'm sorry it's less realistic this way but it was a personal choice.