The Fatal Crush

🎀CHAPTER 46🎀

You're starting to feel sorry for me, aren't you?

I can almost see your face that has taken on an unpleasant expression of compassion as you read these lines but don't worry. I'll come around; I'll come back again. I'll get over it. It's better this way.

Don't mind if you stay alone long enough. You feel much lonelier when you're with a man who seemingly by his actions seems not to want you.

I was more alone while I was with Dorian, but my passion blinded me, and I could not see that. Now at least that his presence is lacking, I have the time and opportunity to manage it without being influenced by him.

Remember this. You won't want anything desperately. You will want it resolutely.

And I want myself back. The heart sits inside the body and feels it all, but it's not imposed on me. I impose myself, and I don't let my heart destroy me.

It is the defining moment when you invoke Logic to undertake to put a row in your program; to strengthen you and send you back to life. That doesn't take half a measure.

It doesn't let you back down, but it keeps pushing you forward, and that's how it should be. If you make the mistake and turn to look behind you, you will have thrown yourself once more into the most fatal trap, and you don't know how emotionally amputated you will come out of it.

Never run behind old loves, for they will always be behind.

When the 'real hug' comes for each of us, we have to hold the hug against temptations. Because what we ask is finally given to us by God; we are to blame for not keeping it.

I make a promise to myself not to fall into the same mistake. I promise to learn from this painful experience and next time, to stand strong, not to become a victim, and a waif in the emotions I will probably feel.

It's a mistake to believe a few beautiful words from the very beginning, isn't it?

How is it possible to dwell on words before seeing deeds?

When you hear words of love, you have time not to believe them. Don't believe them. Don't put them in the heart. Every fake word is a nail that you will pull from your heart, and behind it will leave a scar that will bleed.

Now we all love with eyes. Of course, this love is not real because we have lost its value. When we happen to be disappointed, we blame Love.

Love is not to blame.

It is our fault that we get connected to people who turn out to be passers-by in our lives.

And if you think about it, the stories are more or less the same. Same behaviors, repetitive situations, same people... just another year in the diary.

I still remember Dorian's words, and I grieve...

Delusive words and promises burn and destroy you.

Even now, his memory hurts.

They give hope without being ready to do the deeds, this time my inner voice wails and cries desperately to anyone who wants to touch the feelings.

It's right.

Unsatisfied feelings become shadows that you will never be able to catch.

All you have to do is wait until the time passes so that something else comes to try to fill you.

Love was shattered.

All you have to do is leave in time to catch up with the mockery of selfishness that's waiting in the corner to whip you as if you owe it. And again the pain of loss comes to remind you of its presence.

Logic is trying to convince you that it's something that will pass. It's trying to plant in your mind that the pain has stopped existing.

I'll tell you what. No! The pain never stopped. The wound never healed. It never gets better. You cover up the pain perforce, not materially. You think it's over and everything's fine. It hasn't passed; it's a lie.

Look at me! After so long, the wound hurts more than before. If it doesn't hurt, then you didn't really love him. You thought you loved him.

You are still in pain, but the disgust that has accumulated within you from Dorian's behavior will make you overcome him fast. Because everything is being overcome, even at the last moment, you will prevent your destruction, the voice within me confirms.

I still feel inner exhaustion after meeting Stephan and everything we talked about. At every moment, Dorian wasn't absent from our conversation, and that made it more difficult.

I lay down on the bed to sleep. I'll try to sleep, even if I can barely.

                                                                 ***

His hands gently caress my arms, and his breath warms my face.

I'm essential to him, and this is obvious by the way he looks at me. We're naked on a bed and it's only a matter of time before we become one body, one heart again.

Dorian leaves wet kisses on my neck and chest. He possessively grabs my hips and gets into me in lust, making my body become a bow. Our bodies fit perfectly together, and passion is the protagonist.

This strong passion that bound us from the first moment...

"I love you," Dorian whispers in my ear, and the flutter between my chest begins a frantic dance of hopes that seem to be gratified.

I grab his face with my two hands and...

I abruptly pop up from my sleep again.

"No, my God..." I stammer desperately to myself. "How far will this go? When will it stop torturing me?"

I can't wait to close my eyes to sleep. It is the one moment I look forward to it to calm myself from this fatal passion.

I rub my forehead with my hand and get out of bed sighing. I'm trying to enlist all the patience I have. I stand near the window of the room and light a cigarette.

What's it gonna be?

I'm scared every time I lie down to sleep.

How long will this last?

For how long is this passion for Dorian going to wake me up?

Be patient, the voice says in my head.

I sigh and put out the cigarette in the ashtray. I try again to sleep.