The Fatal Crush

🎀CHAPTER 50🎀

Dorian was a vacant presence for me.

You can't live with an empty presence, can you?

I said I was happy with him. Every time I lost him and then saw him again, I felt like he was coming back to me because he loved me.

I made a fatal mistake.

I concluded that the women, who tolerate these men and keep them knowing everything, feel a 'sick' joy. They think the men come back to them because they love them.

It's not Love. It's a sick need for love. I was just that woman.

But when I began to notice this 'nothingness' with him, I found that Dorian was unbearably absent only in my loneliness and not in my reality. That's why the whole mess with him was called, 'fatal crush'.

I'm where I was when I broke up with Ross. That's what forced unsatisfied love does. It almost makes you a philosopher, analyzing everything and building an experience that once you meet the next person, is useless to you.

But every breakup is experienced differently at every age. It's different when you split at twenty, at thirty, and so on.

You may be a rookie in Love every time, but you're not the same person. Another experience has been added, which works ex officio with Logic. That's the way it is.

From my own experience so far, the sensible person does not easily step into the blur of the future.

This exact need of mine to love Dorian more made me leave him and go, even though I was the one in pain; and I was.

He said to me, "If you send me away I will respect it, but if you keep me it will be forever."

If I kept him I would satisfy his own selfish need just to make him feel good while I would satisfy my own need to give up solitude.

That's not Love. They are just two needs.

So, you have to distinguish what you need and not relate it with the prospective people who seem to be coming to cover it because they may not be the right ones. You may be fooled into finding the man who will fill your need and relate him to this need.

You may love him and be in pain, and because he is not the right one, what is left? Of course; it is only suffering for you.

I just love this moment when the bad experience has become a memory, and you describe it afterward as a situation that made you wiser.

That's the feeling you need to keep. But to get it, you have to go through the experience first.

In Dorian's case, it will always be my end because it was never my beginning.

It's up to you to allow tomorrow to escape from yesterday, and the right time to do that is present.

Ultimately, what is stronger?

Is it what has tension with an expiration date?

Or...

Is it what remains in time and endures?

THE END

THANK YOU ALL

SOFIA VITORATOS