Come On, Wattpad: A Rant Book

Zoella's New Book - Girl Online

(note: this is from my Tumblr and the links don't work on Wattpad)

Girl Online - Review

I’ve just read the sample of Girl Online by Zoe Sugg and it’s absolutely horrid. 

Now, the story line, while being cliche with the whole Romeo-and-Juliet thing, was OK. I liked the idea of a blogger. Sounds likewise to me and many other girls on Tumblr. 

Plus, I love Zoe. She’s cute and funny and a nice YouTuber, which I am a fan of. (Please keep this in mind before ravishing me with hate about how I’m ‘a hater’ and ‘should shut my mouth’. Thanks.)

The book? Not so much.

I didn’t like the book because of the grammar. Keep in mind— this was a published book. I’m not just a grammar Nazi. A published book.

In just a few lines down, we see the first grammar mistake. 

"Why, you might ask?"

You might ask, “What’s wrong with this?”. This sentence is wrong because it needs quotations or apostrophes. Instead of what Sugg (or, a controversy of someone else writing it) put, it should be:

”’Why?' you might ask.”

Or, even:

“Why? might you ask.”

Or:

"You might ask why."

And, many more options come with it that would be more complex and interesting, instead of the basic language. It might be in character, I’ve thought, because this is the story of a teenager.

But as I’ve seen on Tumblr, and me being a teenager myself, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t just in character. It was a mistake— a mistake in a published book.

But it’s just one mistake, right?

No. There’s more. When the girl is offered to write a diary, she says she’s failed, and writes this:

"The thought of writing stuff to myself in a diary seems a bit pointless really."

Again, this was in character, but even the character could know that after the ‘pointless’, you’d need a semicolon. You need one there to contrast the idea and the emphasis. ‘Really’ being the emphasis and her thoughts the idea.

Furthermore, the girl starts stating “Top Ten Reasons … To be Anxious.” Now, this isn’t really grammatically wrong, and I’m not implying anything here, but maybe it’s just the mind of a teenage girl that “You’re supposed to be wildly attractive to the opposite sex”. Now, as I’m a fan of Zoe and know her, she wouldn’t write this. 

(Oh, but she did with the slut shaming and other things … even though I’m still a fan.)

But, why is it the opposite sex? Maybe, the girl was implying that people see it wrong to be in the LGBTQIA, but I thought it was a bit odd saying that. Almost inconsiderate.

Anyways, that was only the prologue— or the first blog post. Either way, it was still part of the book. 

Chapter One wasn’t very different. In fact, it was no better at all. Maybe, it was worse. (As Lauren brought up some facts, as well …) 

Firstly, this is a book about a teenager. No need to use the words “Present Day …”.

Lauren stated her opinion (which I completely agree on) in a brilliant way that I’m going to have to steal her words:

“”Hey, Penny, did you know that William Shakespeare is an anagram for “I am a weakish speller”?” the formatting of this is incorrect. as it is a text, it should at least be in italics, something to indicate separation from the main narrative, but preferably should be in speech marks and the ‘i am a weakish speller’ in quotation marks.” she put in her Review. 

Also, while Lauren’s view was exact, we should also take a moment to notice that weakish is not a word. Again, it could be teenage behaviour but how many of those can I put as excuses to stupid grammar?

Lauren brought this up as well— stating that “Mr. Beaconsfield is the Year Eleven drama teacher.” is a bit redundant, considering we’ve just heard how Penny was bickering about how he gives them too much work and showed him teaching Drama. Also, a part about that sentence that makes me want to cringe was the fact that “drama” wasn’t capitalized. If it was a class subject, it should have been a proper noun.

"BFIS (Best Friend In School).” is the worst impression of a teenage girl in forever. This part was incredibly cliche. (Much like the rest of the book.)

Then, Megan (her BFIS) complains about having a spot and making sure that Penny doesn’t get it in a photograph. Normal teenage behaviour? No. This isn’t the 90s where everyone acted stuck up.

The next sentence that makes no sense is:

"The lighting from this side isn’t the best but at least the spot isn’t visible." Now, I understood, and maybe I’m wrong, but there should be a semicolon after the ‘best’ (or, before the ‘but’.)

Hm, seems like it’s not the 90s, but in fact, 2010 when Justin Bieber was still relevant. Zoe, you weren’t working on this is 2010. You worked on this six weeks before it was published. (Or, rather, had someone else do it for you …)

And, afterwards, a few pages later, it shows that Penny is an overrated white Christian female that is shy and anxious.

(I have anxiety, by the way, in case you wanted to tell me it’s a real disease. I know this, you spoons.)

"The twins slide into the booth next to Megan. The twins are called …"

Please stop beginning every sentence the same way. I know that Tyler Oakley (your “total bae! omg so much me” relatable adult inspiration who I think makes stupidly random videos) said that diversity is stupid and it has nothing to do with [any topic], but, hey, maybe use some, Zoe?

Now, I need to stop this. It’s been two hours and my fingers hurt. The only thing I can say is:

Stop, Zoe. You’re not that good at this. Just keep making your awesome videos (which I love), and leave writing to other people who can write. 

-Izabela, an author who is working on a real book with less grammatical mistakes