In the shadows. (H.S) [A.U]

Chapter 35

I keep repeating the words, "I never wanted this to happen. I didn't do it. I never wanted to. I didn't do it."

In return he just whispers in my ear, "Shh, baby. Calm down. You're okay. Deep breaths."

He pulls me away from his body as he holds my shoulders, "Look at me. Deep breaths. Otherwise you're going to have a panic attack. Look at me, match your breaths with mine."

I do as he says and I finally calm down after some time. We keep sitting there in silence after he lets go of my shoulders. I move a bit back to lean back up against the wall and stare at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling?"

"Numb. I can't feel anything at all," I answer him without moving my gaze from the ceiling.

"What happened? Was it a nightmare again?" he asks referring to the incident in the bathroom.

"Ahan. Today marks one month since I held his lifeless body in my arms.. his blood on my hands. It feels as if it just happened yesterday. I can't get the image of having his head in lap while blood gushed out of his neck out of my head. Screaming, mourning, but doing nothing helpful," tears fill my eyes but I blink them away.

"Well if you think about it, there was nothing much you could do after him being shot. I mean- he did get shot because of you in the first place. But- look my point is, the more you keep thinking about the series of events happening afterwards, the harder will it get to get over." 

I'm not sure if he's trying to comfort me or making me feel even more guilty.

"Do you really think it's that easy to get over witnessing a death first hand right in front of your eyes? Being covered in the blood of the person dying in your god damn arms!? Not to mention that person being your best friend!?" I could feel myself getting infuriated as I remove my head from the wall to look at him.

"Hey, calm down. Just because I haven't been that hard towards you lately doesn't mean you get to test your limits, Eliza."

He was right. Ever since my breakdown right after Niall's death, Harry had been gentle towards me. He would always try to calm me down after a nightmare. But I really hadn't talked about the incident or hugged him for comfort until today. I kept it to myself until it was too much to handle and I really need to talk about it with someone or I'll go insane.

"It's hard to sleep... I don't even sleep most nights because I'm scared I'd get a nightmare and would have to live through the series of the same events all over again.."

"What happens in them?"

"They always start in a different way; with some sort of memory with Niall or something.. but the scene always changes and in a split second, I look down at my hands and then at Niall's body laying in front of me..." I move my gaze back at the ceiling to get away from his intense stare.

"You holding a gun, and me holding his body in my arms. They always end with me looking back to my blood covered hands.." I close my eyes as I tell him almost everything from my night terrors. Talking about them makes me feel like I'm living through them again.

"I.. I don't really know what to say.. but you have to stay strong Eliza.."

"Why do you call me that?" I ask out of the blue, looking back at him. Even though it was something I had always wanted to ask him but right now I was just trying to get my mind away from the nightmare.

"What? Eliza?" he asks confused by my question. I nod my head in return.

"Well.. I don't know. Elizabeth is your real name, everyone calls you Liz. I just wanted to use a term of endearment which no one else did."