Random OneShots (Randy)

Memories

'I was falling apart"

I read through the words, my mind clouding with thoughts as I did making my heart beat faster, I couldn't breath.

'The pieces shattered, I wasn't quick enough to catch them'

Why hadn't I noticed, why didn't he tell me, I could have been there for him, I could have caught the pieces for him.

'My thoughts were to much, I couldn't control them because they had already took control of me. I was scared'

My eyes started to fill with tears as I thought of him, alone and scared, I wasn't there for him like I should have been, I wasn't there to hold him, to keep him safe from the monsters.

'I didn't know what to do, it was all getting to much, everything was hurting'

A sob erupted from my throat, I could have helped him, took away his pain, but I was to focused on my self, on my own issues, i wasn't paying attention to the one person who had stayed with me through thick and thin.

'I suppose the nights were the worst, the demons made themselves known as they crept into my head and made me break, made me feel like I was nothing '

Why did I never think about him, only thinking about myself, about how i thought the alcohol would make everything better, while he was home alone, waiting in the dark, waiting for a hero that would never arrive.

'They tortured me, told me I wasn't enough, I wasn't worth it, they tortured me until I could no longer be tortured by their words because i was used too it by then'

But he was enough, he was worth it, I should have told him that, I should have told him that everyday and ever second because he was worth everything and more, but I was to 'busy', I believed my problems were all that I should care about, I was wrong.

'I wanted you there with me, to hold me throughout the night, to tell me everything was going to be okay, I know that's selfish, I know you had other things to do, but I guess i needed you to see my selfish side, to be able to see the real me'

He was so fragile, so helpless and I wasn't there when he needed me most. He thought it was selfish, I think it was normal he wanted to have someone to be able keep him away from his bad thoughts, the thoughts that made his boat tip, the thoughts that made him drown.

'I hate myself, I hate how I look, I hate how I smile, I hate how I sing, I hate how I laugh, I hate how dress, I hate it all and I wish I could just be better'

He was beautiful, his smile was gorgeous, his voice was incredible, his laugh was like music to my ears and his style was amazing. Why did I not tell him this, why did I not appreciate him more, why did I not tell him that he was enough and he would always be enough no matter what.

'I wanted people to love me for me, so I could try to love myself, but no one did, the fans didn't, my friends didn't, my family didn't, you didn't. I stopped going online, the posts about me being so bad I cried for nights on end, I didn't tell anyone though, I knew I'd be told to grow up, to grow a pair, to not take it to heart, but I did and I'm sorry for that'

He was sorry because he was hurt, because he had feelings, I was sorry because I saw all the posts, all the comments and I didn't say a thing, I never asked if he okay.
I took a deep breath as I wiped away the tears staining my cheeks, looking back down at the paper in my hands, the neat handwriting covering every line, I carried on reading.

'Ending it all had never come to mind before, leaving everyone behind had never been a goal of mine but when it finally did, when I really thought about it, I knew it would be better then going crazy, better then being lonely, better then being ignored, better then being hated, better then being controlled, better then being unloved, better then crying every night, better then harming myself, better then being me'

I stopped reading, the tears blurring my vision so much I could no longer see the words written on the page. All of this was going on in his head and all I ever did was ignore him, why did I never ask how he was, how he felt.

'I needed help, physical and mental help, but I was scared, scared that if I asked, if I told you you'd leave me like everybody else, so I kept it to myself until I no longer could, until it had built up so much that one small tap made it all collapse. That one small tap was you'

My breathing quickened at his words, I caused him to fall, to break, to drowned, I pushed him over the edge, it was my fault.

'what you did was unintentional, you didn't mean to do it, I know that, you didn't even realise what you were doing, but I did and I wish I had told you before it was to late, but I wasn't quick enough, and for that I'm sorry. I know now you're wondering what you could have done wrong, what you could have done to hurt me so bad that I couldn't climb back up the cliff you had driven me off'

What had I done, what had I not realised, why had I hurt him so bad.

'you stopped caring, you stopped asking, you stopped coming back, you stopped smiling at me, you stopped laughing with me, you stopped noticing me, you stopped sleeping with me, you stopped protecting me, you stopped being affectionate with me, you stopped everything but most of all you stopped loving me'

I sobbed, why did he think I didn't love him, I loved him with my whole heart and every part of me cared about him. He was my everything, yet I made him feel like nothing, like he ment nothing to me.

'I still love you though, I hope you know that, you may think I don't because I'm gone but I do love you and will forever and always. So don't be sad, don't cry, there's no point it won't change anything, it won't change the past. I know now you're wondering what you're going to do and one thing I want you to do is to live on and forever be happy, because believe me where I go after this life, I'll be happy, and I want us both to be happy. And I know at one point you did love me so I'll leave with that memory and wait for you to arrive.
Love from your once one and only, Andy Fowler'

I folded the piece of paper up and put it back in the envelope, the words 'Rye xx' neatly written on the front, then gently placing on the nightstand, I lifted both my hands up to my face wiping away my tears. It has been nearly a year since Andy had left me, had passed away, but I had only just read the letter he had left for me, never having the courage to have read it before.

I looked up as Brook entered my bedroom tightly holding Sonny's hand,

"Are you okay?" , they both asked in unison, giggling like children afterwards.

"Yeah, thanks for waiting outside"

"No problem mate, it was your letter, not ours" , Sonny said letting go of Brooks hand to give me a hug, Brook following.

"Did the letter explain...Why he's gone", Brook then asked, tears selling up in his eyes at the thought of it.

" he did... He's in a better place now, well better then the place he was in", I said quietly wiping a few more tears away with the back of my hand.

"That's good",They both whispered in unison, again,all of us laughing as we all sat on the bed.

For the rest of the night we spoke about all of our memories with Andy, the bad, the good, the funny and the sad, and it was the best night i had in a long time.

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Hey lovely's I know this ent the best but I'm working on the next part of 'Breaking a rule' and I'm working on another Randy story called 'A lonely silhouette', so please bare with me.

Anyways I hope you liked this one, and please vote cause it makes me happy :)

Sorry for any mistakes, i didn't really read through this one to check for any so yeah...

Till next time

Jess X