Random OneShots (Randy)

Blame me

Mentions of self harm
Also I don't think about any of the boys in this way, it JUST a story:)
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⬆'Before you go '- Lewis Capaldi⬆(such a good song... Might make me cry everytime I listen to it)
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Dear Andy,
Please don't blame yourself. Please don't cry. Please don't get angry at yourself. Please don't shut everyone out or blame others. Please.
It wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, it was mine, so if you need some one to blame, blame me. I'm the cause of your tears, I'm the cause of your screams, I'm the cause of your sad thoughts, so please, blame me.
You couldn't have saved me Andy, I know that's what you're thinking,'Why didn't I notice'
You didn't notice because the fake smiles had been practiced, the happy words had been memorized. so don't tell yourself you didn't pay attention, you did, I just didn't want you to know. I never told you how I felt like I was suffocating, how my bad thoughts had taken over all the good. I never showed you the bags under my eyes, the tears that stained my cheeks at night. And no, none of these were from you Andy, they were all me, my thoughts.
Worthless
Stupid
Ugly
Fat
Not talented
Not good enough
Not needed
Hated
The thoughts broke me Andy, and I couldn't take it.
It wasn't always like this, there was a time, long ago, where I was happy, none of my smiles were fake.
I think the happiest I was, was when I met you, you changed my life Andy Fowler. My smiles were all because of you, my happiness was all because of you... but one day it's like a switch was flicked in my brain, my mind turned ugly and dark. My grip on happiness, on you, became lose and finally I could no longer hold on, my hands started to slip and I let go. Then everything stopped, everything turned upside down.
And from then on I could longer feel happy, even with you, then it got worse, the thoughts got worse, the anxiety got worse, the pain got worse, the tears filled my eyes to the rim until I could no longer hold them back, they rolled down my cheeks like rain on a stormy day.
My screams turned silent, the blade became my pen, my arm became my canvas. I know harming myself was never the answer, but it felt so relieving, it felt like I had control over at least one thing in my life, during those times, the stress was taken from my shoulders. But I did it again and again and again because everytime I felt better, the pain would rise to the surface, the stress and sadness was placed back on my shoulders and relief became a distant memory.
I know I should've have told, told you I wasn't okay, I wasn't happy but I didn't want to burden you with my stupid problems, so I let them double, I let the thoughts take over, I let the pain take over, and I let go.
There you go Andy, a well deserved explanation on why I had to go, on why I'm no longer there holding your hand, why I'm not there cuddling you on the sofa while watching riverdale, why I'm not making you a cuppa while you watch on even though I told you to pause it, why I'm not there keeping you warm and safe from the cold, why I'm not there to wipe away you tears, why I'm not to tell you how much I love you, but I can you tell you now, I love you a lot and even though I'm not there I will always love you because the love I have for you could never disappear, could never go away.
And you may not see me, you may not feel me, but I'm always there, where ever you go I'll always be there, like the sun on a cloudy day, you may not see me but I'm right there.
So, that's it I suppose, by now I'll be gone, I'll finally be sleeping in peace.
Don't stop living your life just because I'm no longer there, carry on and live your bestest life, fall in love, get married, have a family. Just forget about for now and one day when your old and grey I will make myself known, I will take your hand and i will walk with you to the golden gates, where we will spend the rest of eternity together, where you will become the Angel you are ment to be.
I love you always Andy Fowler, and don't you ever think differently, goodbye for now my love,
Yours and yours only
Ryan Beaumont xx

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Hey Lovely's, hope you liked this one, I may have shed a tear or two near the end but i think it's cause I'm sad anyway✌

I know this one's quite short and you didn't get Andy's POV on it but I didn't know what else to write so... Yeah

Anyways I'll see you all soon,

Jess X

Ps: please give me more ideas... I'm struggling :)