Bound By Blood & Steel

Chapter Thirty Two

Jasmine

I waited for it.
Whatever he was going to say was nothing compared to what I was screaming at myself. I hated myself. Hated that I had let myself almost drink again.
The energy instantly changed when he entered the house. He seemed to be filled with rage and disappointment. It was the disappointment that pierced my heart the most. To have a loved one disappointed in you, was one of the worst feelings in the world. I wanted to run from him and never look back. Never have to experience the look he was giving me.
We stood there, watching each other for what felt like eternity. I crossed my arms, as if by doing so, I could shield myself from him. He clenched and unclenched his fists, and I noticed the muscles in his neck twitch.
Finally, he spoke. "Why?"

Out of all the things to ask an alcoholic, that was maybe the one thing we never wanted to be asked. For me, anyway. Because, it was the one question that I sometimes couldn't answer. Or maybe, it was the one question I didn't want to answer.
I sighed, and fell into the couch behind me, dropping my face into my hands.
"I asked you why!" His voice boomed throughout the room.
Shocked, I jumped in my seat. I looked up at him. "I don't know." My words were pathetic, and I know it.
"That's not a fucking answer, Jasmine. Tell me why."
Fucked. I was fucked. The situation was fucked, and I wondered if Christian and I were fucked. Again.
Resentment at what was happening flared in me. I stood and came face to face with him. "Have you ever made a mistake in your life that you felt like you couldn't come back from?"
"Yes." That was all he said, but it was enough for me to run with.
"I don't know if I can come back from what we did to Rob," I admitted. Finally. It had taken me years to say those words.
He looked confused. "You haven't had a drink in over two years, and then today you want a drink because of Rob?"
I shook my head. "Today wasn't because of Rob directly, but can't you see, Christian? Everything bad that had happened since then has been because we killed him."
"I killed him. Not you. And I still don't see what you're saying."

"You only killed him because of me. And then, because of that, I started drinking. We broke up. I dated Blake. And the shit we're in now is because of all that!" I laid it all out for him. Why couldn't he see it?
"Babe, your thinking is fucked up. I get what you're saying, but it's fucked it. Everything in life has a consequence. If we all started analysing shit like you are, we'd all be screwed."
"Alcohol takes away the shiftiness I feel in my soul about it all. I haven't felt like that for a long time, but Roxy brought it all back to me today. In answer to your question, that's why."
"Not fucking good enough, babe. You could have come to me, talked it through-"
I cut him off. He just didn't get it; he probably never would. "I don't want to talk about it Christian! Taking doesn't solve anything; the problems won't go away just because we talk about it."
Pacing, he ran his hands madly through his hair. "I think you should go to bed. This is obviously not the right time for us to discuss this," he said.
My heart sunk and my shame almost swallowed me. I wanted desperately to help him understand but he was right - this wasn't the time to talk. We both needed some space and some time to calm down and get our thinking straight.
I nodded. "You're right," I agreed softly and with one last look at him, I turned and left the room.
Tomorrow was another day and hopefully he'd give me a chance then to explain myself.
I needed him to understand.
Without his support, I wasn't sure how I'd move past this setback.