Expectations

Chapter 47

Never did I expect to fall in love with Alex Walker, but I did.

On the first day of tour, if someone told me I'd end up falling in love with popstar Alex Walker, just like every other girl on the planet, I would've laughed in their face. I didn't think the guy would even give me the time of day back then. Boy was I wrong.

The thing is, I didn't fall in love with mega heartthrob Alex Walker like every other girl. No. I fell in love with just Alex. What people don't get to see behind the scenes. All the quirks, imperfections, and real life shit. The reserved, rare moments I get to see and feel are just for me.

Loving Alex is so, so easy, but so dangerous.

Loving Alex is making sure he sticks to schedules and gets to places on time. Loving Alex is staying up until the early hours of the morning watching Friends because he can't fall asleep, the adrenaline still rushing through his veins after a show. Loving Alex is letting him curl up in your lap after a long day and running your fingers through his hair to relax him. Loving Alex is making sure he drinks plenty of water and prioritizes his health with his hectic schedule. Loving Alex means giving up my anxious habit of playing with my fingers when he's anxious too so he can hold my hand and run the pad of his thumb over my tattoo. Loving Alex is making sure his favorite cereal is stocked on the bus, because Lord knows the boy won't eat much else for breakfast. Loving Alex is sneaking out late at night to get him out of being trapped in a bus, hotel, or arena twenty four seven. Loving Alex is giving him a hug and wishing him luck before every show because he still gets nervous, even after doing thousands of shows. Loving Alex is a big, complicated, beautiful mess sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Loving Alex is also letting him go.

I watch as his long lashes flutter against his cheeks in a dream filled sleep, his face inches from mine on the pillow. He looks so peaceful, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

I try to soak in every small detail I can for memory. Things magazines and interviews can't provide. Like the faint scar just under his jaw he told me he got from running around on the playground as a kid. Or the adorable way his nose scrunches in his sleep sometimes.

I didn't sleep at all last night, the anticipation of leaving and the need to admire him in full one last time keeping me up. This is the last time I'll see him in person, but I know his image will haunt me every day on TV and in magazines, and I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to move on, but I know I have to.

Alex has the whole world in front of him, but I don't. I have nothing, still trying to work my way from the ground up. To make a name for myself and achieve success. To prove my mother wrong.

It's funny how just one man can stand between me and my dream. Threatening to crush it if I don't do what he says. That's why I have to let Alex go. For myself, and for him, too. I can't risk my whole future for one boy that'll break up with me in the end anyway. I've already been down this road and know relationships on the road don't last. Plus, he can have any girl he wants and will get bored of me sooner or later. It's better to just end it now than string our relationship along and be a distraction to him.