The List

chapter 34

 In the stunned silence that commenced once I was alone in Eros' room, I found myself rattled, struggling in the darkness to cease the sobs that continued to shake my body, find solace in a room, in a house that should grant me ultimate peace.

And yet, I felt out of place, as I did at home, in school, among peers I used to tutor, I felt like a girl who didn't belong.

Who was I? Who was I really?

Was dressing at school in lingerie a reflection of who I was, what I stood for? Was drinking as much as my father a reflection of the girl I've become? Was manipulating people suddenly something I did?

Above all, I pondered if was either Eros my awakening, or my downfall.

I loved him, that I was sure of, if I was in love with him was still something to be explored, but he permeated everything for me, my thoughts at night, while I did homework, visited my mom, took Angelica around town. He haunted me everywhere I went.

My life was so simple before I met him.

Light streamed into the room as the door opened, revealing Ryder's figure in the doorway.

"Hey baby," he whispered, closing the door behind him and flicking the light switch, the light of the lamps revealing the wreck of a girl that was me.

I sobbed harder in response to his hello.

"Hey!" He swept over to me, kneeling in front of me as I sat on the bed, surely looking more defeated than ever. "Baby what's wrong?"

"I— I feel so lost!" I wailed in between sobs, holding my hands against my face, hoping and forcing my body to stop crying, to no avail. "I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know this person I've become, and I just miss you, and I miss Eros and I wish I didn't have to go through this fucking identity crisis without you two on my side!" I covered my face, not wanting to see the revulsion on Ryder's face.

"Alice," Ryder said calmly. "I'm always here, I know I haven't been very available to you lately but I'll be damned if I watch you cry in my home. This is your safe place, you are safe with me. Eros is another story altogether but you and I, we can talk this out," his hands pulled mine from my face and I opened my eyes to a beautiful Ryder, stooped in front of me, love and kindness warming me from the inside out. "What else is going on?"

I sniffled and began to speak despite how choked up I was. "Have I become a bad person? I'm finding that—that I'm acting in ways I never would before, hurting people I love. I don't recognize the girl I see in the mirror! I don't want to be her," I stopped abruptly because speaking became too much. Ryder rubbed my knee affectionately.

After a few moments, I began again, in a quieter voice, "But I don't know how to change the things I hate about myself. And I have so much guilt, it's ruining every part of me, I know I've done bad things, and I've had bad things happen to me as a result and I just wish this would ease, wish I could take a fucking breath without wanting to vomit."

Ryder watched me, and there was no anger, no hatred reflected the green eyes I love. There was only sadness.

"This guilt that plagues you, it is not what makes you a bad person Alice. It is exactly what makes you a good person. Bad people take pleasure in the pain and injustice they inflict upon others— but you, this guilt torments your every waking moment. It's why you're such a good person and why you need to let go of this guilt and apologize to everyone you've wronged. It's why I've forgiven you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me to abandon you when all of this went down, just for the sake of my reputation. You're my best friend and I would forgive you for anything."