The List

chapter 33

 The Golden Trio was no more, and it couldn't be more obvious than that first day that Eros came back to school post-suspension, which conveniently fell on the day of Ryder's birthday party. Ryder's actual birthday wasn't until Tuesday but he was never one to turn down an early celebration.

I know Ryder was excited to gloat around school about the night he had planned, how crazy the party would be, and how long people would be talking about it.

And yet, I was pained.

There was a nagging feeling that I didn't belong at that party. Everyone hated me and for good reason too. Was it fair of me to show up to Ryder's birthday when I knew it'd make Eros, Claire, Luna, and even Ryder uncomfortable?

"You okay?" Angelica broke my long train of thought, sitting in the driver's seat, playing with a keychain Eros had gotten her.

I gave her a fake, tight smile. "Yeah, just, not sure about Ryder's birthday party."

She frowned. "If Ryder didn't want you there, he would've told you, he's not afraid of confrontation, unlike someone I know," she gave me a stern look. "Besides, I'll be right there next to you, and this is a fantastic time to show them you're doing just fine without them."

"But I'm not," my voice cracked, staring at Angelica and she reached over to stroke my hair lovingly. "I'm not doing okay without them, and I'm not sure if I ever will be."

I let out a heavy sigh I didn't know I was holding, I was so distraught. My identity was formed by tutoring and being kind, but a big role of my identity— in my now developing identity, was rooted in the relationships I formed with Ryder and Eros.

They had become a part of me.

Angelica looked at me with pitiful eyes. I wish she didn't look at me so.

"I know you aren't," she said softly. "But you will be eventually. Eros can't be mad at you forever."

Another fake smile lifted the corner of my lips. I had no doubt in my mind that Eros could hold this grudge forever, that perhaps, I really had lost him and I had to learn how to live without him.

"You ready?" She asked, as though she didn't know the answer.

"No," I still exited the car with the same amount of dread I've had the entire week that had been building every time I imagined my first confrontation with Eros.

The whole school was eager to see Eros unlike me. They wanted to see how roughish he looked as he was officially deemed the school's 'bad boy', the new identity he had procured post-fight.

I despised it.

Eros wasn't a bad boy, he was just a kid. He was a kid that made a mistake and though, it was a rather large mistake I refused to adhere to this identity the school pushed on him.

The air was unsettlingly warm, and I wished that I ended my stupid claim to prove my identity to the school by wearing lingerie every day, already sweating underneath the old jean jacket I wore. But I walked with my head high, I would give them the slut they were expecting until even I believed it.

I spotted Eros quickly, a crowd forming around him already. He stood near the entrance of campus, an arm thrown around a small Claire, her eyes glazed with awe at the boy surrounding her in affection. His cotton shirt crinkled at the place where she clenched it, lifting so anyone who cared could see the gray waistband of his boxers and further, the belt loops of his blue jeans.

His gaze found mine briefly, and within that millisecond, it was if a second hadn't passed since I argued with him in front of my house. All my anger returned, my confusion, and most plaguing, my guilt.