The List

chapter 32

 I was incredibly nervous. I was so friggin' nervous that I didn't even drive with Angelica and let her drive alone to school because I was afraid of what she would say. I caught the rundown school bus that quite literally only the freshman had taken. Even then and there, I felt the gawking eyes of the underclassmen that surely didn't know me, but in the matter of a glance, wanted to know me.

The sun was settling up in the sky, bright and clear when I finally stepped foot onto campus, chills rising from my legs and through my thin shirt, to my exposed cleavage and arms.

April was just ending and although it should've been hot, I think the universe wanted to prove to me I was not the girl I wanted to prove to them I was.

I was an alienated girl, exiled by one of the most popular juniors in our school, but despite that, I couldn't help but wonder what they would say when they saw me, the sheer shirt and sexy bra that was underneath.

Claire alienated me, and even though I'm sure she meant to have me fade into the background like I was supposed to, I wasn't that girl anymore. If my list was exposed four months ago, I would've disappeared.

But that was then. I'm a different girl now, and they have no idea what they've done.

I crossed the empty campus toward my locker, surprised at how many students were forty minutes early to first period, eyes locking on me with bewildered astonishment. They couldn't look away, and I was ashamed to admit it, thrilled me.

"Alice?" Ryder locked eyes with me, standing four lockers away, messily chatting it up with a naive freshman. His arm pressed up against the green metal, the boy he was talking to hidden by the locker door, but even he turned and snuck a peak at the slut of the school.

"Ryder?" I replied in that same tone, grabbing a textbook without looking, hoping it was the one I needed.

"What are you wearing?" He asked in that same confused tone.

I tilted my head, a surge of confidence daring me to play with him. "They think I'm a slut Ryder? I'll give them a fucking slut," I slammed the locker, gave Ryder a wink, and walked off with the arrogance comparable to his.

There was a certain Ryder smirk that I loved. It was strong and daring, it made you want more, want him. I think in a way, that smirk is what so many people fell in love with. He knew he was the shit and he knew that everyone knew he was the shit. He owned it, and that's what I've always loved about him.

He was never afraid to be who he was.

And neither was I.

The sounds of my heeled boots echoed in the empty corridor that would be full in a matter of minutes. I was alone in these hallways apart from the lonely stranger that was too absorbed in their own lives to notice me slowly strolling about our campus.

"Alice!"

I knew he was going to follow me, I just knew him too well at this point, and he knew me way too freaking well. I paused in my step but didn't turn around, waiting for the words I knew would come.

"Dressing like a slut doesn't make you one."

I knew who I was, I didn't have to prove anything to anyone. I suppose I just wanted to prove something to myself, to them that even if I was that girl, that didn't change who I was, what I stood for.

I stiffened. "What the fuck is wrong with being a slut Ryder?"

I could feel him falter, practically see the creases in his face as he attempted to calm me but also console my badly wounded identity.